Feeling really let down...

[SpookyTeacup]

Just been told by DH that I have no Christmas present this year as it hasn't arrived. I've got a feeling its exactly what I told him under no circumstances is he to buy me (sexy lingerie/nightwear) due to his reaction when I asked him if it was that - '.... no... why?'. I'm 30 weeks pregnant and I feel huge, disgusting and hate how much weight I've gained. I couldn't feel further from sexy if I tried. All I've asked for is a nice big pair of PJ bottoms that I can be comfortable in and will become part of my hospital bag. I'm dreading Christmas now because I feel like I'm going to end up crying the entire day, but also feel like I'm acting like a spoiled brat.

He’s a nasty cunt OP. So sorry!! Especially whilst you’re pregnant. Congratulations on your pregnancy!
Be super aware that some men become nasty and abusive whilst their partners are pregnant and especially vulnerable postpartum. It’s a known risk factor for abuse. Getting you nothing when he had ample opportunity and laughing about it and then ignoring you to be on his computer does feel abusive. I’m fuming for you, not shocked your Mum is so upset. You don’t deserve this OP. If he doesn’t have a groveling apology, lovely gift and a huge change of character I’d be talking to your Mum about postpartum support because I suspect he will be a loser and lazy once baby arrives too. Lingerie is a shit gift for anyone but especially shitty and rude of him given all the points you’ve explained on her. The idea of someone saying I need to be sexy when pregnant is actually repulsive to me because I also just wanted to be comfortable and had a lot of worries going on in my pregnancies due to also having endometriosis and high risk pregnancies. You deserve more. Next year you will have your lovely baby here and I suspect you may be rid of this tosser by then! He either ships up or ships out. Find your rage!

This is bigger than the no present issue. He’s actively being cruel to you and this has been since you got pregnant. He is enjoying you being upset. Men often turn abusive when a baby is on the way and it seems your husband is taking the opportunity to join a sea of arseholes.

Do not let this slide. It isn’t about getting a present, he is actively trying to upset you and laughing at you. He has dismissed your feelings and is belittling you. He should be lavishing you in kindness as you carry his child. The fact he can’t even be somewhat nice to you right now is staggering.

No not really. People don’t always have to be passengers.

We have one life on this earth.
You have spent 10 years of it trying to procreate with a nasty abusive wanker.
So sad.

This whole thread boggles my mind.

When are YOU going to start making decisions that are actually good for you?
Sorry to be harsh op but it's very evident you are your own biggest problem. And you need to sort out your issues including your poor self image before raising this child. A good start would be dumping this loser who you know treats you like shit.

How emotionally healthy do you expect the child to turn out when it's mum hates herself and it's dad...sorry but, hates her too. And she just... stays with him.
And you don't deserve it by the way! But men are not children, they know they need to buy you a Christmas gift. They know not to get you what you said you didn't want. So if he's doing the opposite it's because he doesn't even like you. Stop making other excuses for him and get him gone before the baby arrives and you are too tired to shift him for the next few years.

Time to stop sleepwalking through your own life.
Don't stay with soul crushing men. Get therapy for your self image. Become a happy mum for your new baby.

But OP, even if he'd bought you the pyjamas, that isn't enough. That should be either something bought out of everyday funds or an extra present. I'd expect perfume, books, chocolates, alcohol, jewellery etc (all of them).

Is he sulking because you don't look sexy enough/he's not getting enough attention?

Anyone who says OP is over reacting needs to give their head a wobble. This behaviour from their partner is awful! OP, I think you deserve to treat yourself in the Boxing Day sales and reconsider this relationship in the future.

Sending you massive hugs, OP.

Your partner is a massive prick.

You've got a beautiful daughter on the way, and your mum sounds really supportive.

If you decide to get rid of this pathetic loser, then I'm sure your mum will help.

@SpookyTeacup i hope you are able to find the softest cosiest pjs in existence and that when you do, you buy 2 pairs.

I also hope that this is the last Christmas you are treated this way and that you think hard about how you want your life to look and consider if continuing with this marriage is for you. Wishing you all the best. You’re clearly going to be an amazing mum and would be quite capable of providing everything your child needs without this deadweight holding you back

Just focus on the happy fact of your pregnancy and baby op, which you seem to have very much wanted.

Go and buy yourself a lovely, cosy pair of pjs (or two!) in the sales which will bring you comfort in the early days of a newborn, and focus on giving yourself the relaxation you need ahead of the birth. It may be that your dh is going to be one of those guys who change gear once you are a mum who no longer wants sexy underwear as a priority. Not much you can do about that, so focus on the bits of life you can author.

Oh OP, I am really sorry. Many men are just completely useless and don't deserve a wife and family. You'll just have to look after yourself, and get your own pjs like you say. I was married to a man who was a bit like this, and you have to distance yourself emotionally so he can't upset you as much. In other words, you have to try to be more emotionally independent of him. And that involves some psychological withdrawal. I ended up thinking, well if I have to do that, what is the point of being married to him! But that's another story.

I read on the website marriage builders dot com that many men don't realise how upset their wives are when they come to counselling, and once they do, they make changes. After the baby is here and when you've had a few months to settle in and recover, I would insist on counselling. I really would. My husband chuckled when I expressed unhappiness too.

Anyway, you are going to have your own baby, and that's much more precious than some stupid man! Congratulations on your hard-won little one! Much to look forward to xxxx

Yes really, you berated her for nagging. She really didn’t nag him and she really isn’t being childish!

Her husband on the other hand hand…

OP I am at the point where my children have become or are becoming adults. They cherish me and Christmas is so lovely because they always get me something that makes me feel very seen. My husband always gets me something extra he just couldn’t resist as an expression of his feelings for me. This is normal - expected - and what you deserve twenty years from now but also every year in between. If your DH can’t massively improve I would be leaving him because indifference and contempt kill love. I am afraid you wouldn’t be the first to become pregnant after a hard journey and then to find that their partner has become a man child or worse an abusive twat. He is conditioning you to chronically low expectations - I would look where the love and support is in your life and invest there while you decide what to do. One of my friends left her dp about three weeks before the birth of her child - it was brave but what a great decision for her and her daughter. Her partner had become worse and worse as the pregnancy went on - I don’t know why there are so many awful loser men.

What "rest"? How many should we get?

Awww @SpookyTeacup I'm so sorry for you. Your DP sounds like a useless plonker! Some men eh?! 🙄

I'm sorry you have had some really rude and unpleasant and judgy replies on here too. I hope you're OK, and maybe get yourself something lovely in the shops on Saturday!

Good luck with your baby. Not long to go now. Merry Christmas lovely! 😄 🎄

.

This ^
You're about to be a mother, time to reassess your priorities.

Also, if you've been with your husband for ten years surely you know how is with gifts?

Oh boy is he in for a shock when the baby arrives as it’s no longer about him

There is a lot of red flags here but it is very hard to make rational decisions when upset. For now I hope you are doing as your mum suggested and spending the day with her.

Each and every time I have been pregnant, my oedema is so severe I look like a balloon. Dh has always gone above and beyond even when I was being unreasonable and tried his level best to help me. He would massage my feet, put my shoes on and help me feel good about myself. I'm not sharing this to upset you but I do really resent when pp say that men are useless. Mine most definitely isn't.

To me there really is no love without respect and your oh doesn't respect you. A partner is exactly that,they raise you up, celebrate your wins and have your back when times are hard. I wouldn't stand for this but we all have different standards and benchmarks we can put up with. All I will say is that if you were my friend or sister I would tell you to focus on yourself and preparing for your beautiful baby girl. Don’t let him rob you of this special time.

At some point I'd consider counselling or ditching the deadweight you call an oh.

Ah yes, my apologies. I didn't realise you were present for every Christmas/birthday over the last 10 years.

As I've said before, this is the first time he's done this but hes been an arsehole all round recently. * *

@SpookyTeacup your DH is a thoughtless and an immature shit. I'm sorry this is happening to you. I hope your DM is looking after you. An unmumsnetty hug for you. Xxx

She needs to reassess her priorities? If the husband literally laughed at her when she had asked for something weeks ago that wasn’t much, then I’d like to imagine how he would treat a child!! Honestly!!

Im disappointed in the lack of care he's shown. To me, it shows how little he thinks of me. We do presents every year, and I'm one of these people who buys things throughout the year as she wants it so I appreciate I'm not always the easiest to buy for. He does tend to just get me exactly what I've asked for which is perfectly fine in my eyes (and preferred!). Again, I'm not bothered about how much it costs or how many presents there are... just that he would care enough to get me something, especially something he knows I really need, because I'm so uncomfortable squeezing into my pre-pregnancy pyjamas and I feel gross with everything hanging out. Plus, it'd be nice to feel comfortable/dignified in the hospital.

I dont want mountains of presents. I just want a £15 pair of PJ bottoms from a supermarket.

I didn't spend as much on him as I would this year, just got a few little bits probably totalling up to £70/£80 because things are tight whilst we save for baby & maternity leave.

Its not the gift, it's not the amount, its that he doesn't care enough to even get me one thing... the one thing he knows would make me extremely happy.

And if it does turn out to be lingerie when/if it ever comes then god help him.

He did pay for an online voucher for me so I could purchase something for myself. Obviously its too little too late and I'm irreversibly pissed at this point.

Oh, OP, I really feel for you.

I recently read this post by a woman who has really analysed why some men are so bad at gift giving. And I read your post and thought you might benefit from reading it.

https://open.substack.com/pub/rachelhewitt/p/why-are-some-men-so-bad-at-gift-giving

The last paragraph reads

And women, the only moral here is that, if your husband doesn’t buy you a present, or gets you a crappy last-minute gift when you’ve spent much of the year contorting yourself around his desires, he is telling you loud and clear that he’s not prepared to expend any resources - any time, any energy, any mental capacity, any money - on getting to know you, on seeing you as you really are, on enhancing your happiness or on recognising your value. This Christmas, don’t let anyone convince you that this isn’t a big deal.

I know it will be difficult, but I think you must leave him.

Men who are abusive useless twats tend to properly lower their mask once their partner is pregnant.

I’m sorry OP but you’re likely getting a look at the top of the iceberg if your future with him.

Goodness! Even if the gift is stuck in postal system somewhere, the minute he knew he should have dashed out and picked out something else even if its wasn’t big and expensive with the promise of something special on its way.

This is your last Christmas to celebrate a miracle that will be arriving soon after so many years of tribulations and it should have been special, as the beginning of future mayhem and Father Christmas visits.

a big internet hug from (I’m guessing) from everyone on this thread.