Should he pay?

[Heriam]

A friend of mine is meeting up with a woman he met via OLD. He is very interested in her for lots of reasons. They are in their 70’s.

When the bill comes, he intends to ask the waiter to split it.

IMO, this is a little crude and paying for dinner would be a nice gesture. AIBU?

He feels that his commitment to male and female equality mean that paying isn’t an option for him. He is a genuine feminist btw. He isn’t weaponising the idea.

I think with online dating, it's normal to split the bill surely?

I've no experience of OLD and I'm not in my 70s but here's my tuppence worth. I would think if they weren't going to meet again then splitting it is fair. If they intend on seeing each other again then he should pay and let her repay the favour next time.

No experience with online dating but Dh wanted to take me out, he asked me to go, he paid.
If he hadn’t paid that wouldn’t have been a problem but I wouldn’t have seen him again so he wouldn’t be my husband.

It’s interesting because I know when I met DH that if he’d insisted we split the bill, I probably wouldn’t have wanted to see him again. I can’t explain this logic at all, I’m a feminist millennial and I have always worked hard and been independent. I just wouldn’t have liked him as much had he requested this.

I think on the first date there's nothing wrong with splitting the bill.

I don't think 'he' should be asking the waiting staff to split the bill. That's a man taking control of a situation.

He should try and make the waiting staff treat them both equally by enabling her to address waiting staff if she wants, and if it falls to him, using phrases like 'please can we get the bill', not 'can I get the bill'.
He should ask the woman if she's happy to split as it's due to arrive, with a nice easy tone. No self respecting woman would say no if asked.

If they get drinks separately first, I'd probably recommend the man pay for these as a small gesture of generosity as the one who asked for the date (assuming he did the asking, if she did the asking then obviously its a split bill situation for him/ meal on her), with the opportunity to say 'we can split the meal' at this point.

first date is about getting to know each other. They can find out if she’s fine with splitting the bill or thinks he’s tight and doesn’t want to see him again!

I’ve always thought if OLD then it should be assumed split 50/50 but if it’s going really well and there is a plan to meet again, then it would be a nice gesture for him to pay (and hopefully she pays for the second date!).

He should do as he wishes. Either she will be fine with it or she won’t. And if it’s the latter they simply not compatible.

It’s 2025. Societally prescribed gender roles belong in the past

I am quite amazed at your friend being interested in a woman his age though!

It's a first date. Meeting for a coffee and a walk (e.g. around an art gallery) would be more appropriate.

I think it’s generally accepted these days that it’s fair to split the bill.

However, as you say they are in their 70’s, and things used to be very different then. Also, I think it also depends on who made the choice of the venue.

The problem with splitting the bill on the first date can mean the other person reads this as a red flag that they are just generally tight with money.

I think both parties should go on the first date both willing to pay the whole bill, or split it. This will very much depend on whether they want a second date.

He might be shooting himself in the foot with this rigid thinking (another red flag?).

It’s absolutely normal in 2025 to split the bill especially with OLD. However asking the waiter to split it rather than saying that to his date comes across a bit crass imo

In my experience of first dates I’ll always offer to split but most of the time the man will insist he pays.

If he wants to declare himself a 'feminist' then he should be upfront about splitting the bill before the date. He can suggest it in a way that there would be no awkwardness or assumptions and also that she has the means to pay. He doesn't get to tell the waiter to split the bill because that means he still gets control the evening.

I would say personally on OLD dating,
where we are both strangers I would expect to split (although rarely did a man accept this offer.)

If however he had been the one interested in me and chasing me - I would find it weird if he wanted to split the bill.

I did have one guy who accepted me splitting the bill on the first date but insisted on paying for every subsequent date with no contribution from me.

Says who?

I think a woman in her 70s may well be 'surprised' at a bill being split (rightly or wrongly) and he may well find a second date, whether he wishes it or not, is not on the cards.

Why would you need to announce it before the date? Why would any woman go on a date without the means to pay for herself?

Effectively, you’re meeting a complete stranger online, Even by the end of Date one you still don’t know them very well
Date two and three seems to cement the fact that there’s a spark and that you want to continue
But given the fact that you cannot get away from the fact that you are complete strangers where sex might be on the cards with somebody that I’ve known in unromantic terms and grown to like romantically by Date three or four
It most definitely shouldn’t be expected at that stage with a complete Randomer. And therefore, I apply the same rules that I wouldn’t accept them paying for my dinner either before that stage.

I think if he was a genuine feminist he’d understand that a woman his own age is unlikely to have been paid the same as a man throughout her working life and is likely to be less financially advantaged. I think splitting the bill is probably fine but feel the suggestion should come from the woman. Particularly for people in that generation. I’d feel differently if they were both 25.

@JHound, If you meet up in a more informal setting, you have things to talk about, and it's easier to get away if you don't click.

Cut and pasted but it sums it up:
"I’ve always declined a dinner on the first date. I just don’t want to be “stuck” for another 3 hours if I realize after 15 minutes that I’m not interested to get involved romantically with the other person. Wasting everyone’s time and money."
"Go for coffee instead. If it goes bad, I can leave after 30 minutes, if things goes fairly well then I can have a refill and stay longer or even go for a walk after, and if things goes really well then we can agree on a dinner the next time."

It’s none of your business?

This.

I completely agree and I’m exactly the same. Can’t imagine anything worse than being stuck over 3 course with a bloke who is boring the tits off me.

With coffee or drinks, I’ve had dates ranging from 20 minutes (and even that was too long) to 5 hours - it’s far easier to go with flow in less formal setting

I think one of the ideas around splitting is that many people are going on multiple dates with others and it would get expensive for the man if he always paid. Or the woman if she was so inclined. At 70+, how many other women will he be dating? I would have expected him to be going all out to impress if he really likes this lady.

I'm mid 50s and happy to alternate turns. I have absolutely no issue paying my way. But I do not like the pettiness of a 50/50 split on everything. It would signal to me that the man isn't that keen. I like to be generous with a partner so would want the same in return.