Page 5 | Should he pay?

Heriam · 2025-12-23T10:27:18+00:00

A friend of mine is meeting up with a woman he met via OLD. He is very interested in her for lots of reasons. They are in their 70’s. When the bill comes, he intends to ask the waiter to split it. IMO, this is a little crude and paying for dinner would be a nice gesture. AIBU? He feels that his commitment to male and female equality mean that paying isn’t an option for him. He is a genuine feminist btw. He isn’t weaponising the idea.

Hankunamatata · 23/12/2025 14:25

Is it an expensive restaurant?

Tbh if they have been messaging Id be upfront and be honest. I would say
"Im new to online dating, friends are saying we split the bill 50:50, what does she think"

Katflapkit · 23/12/2025 14:27

JHound · 23/12/2025 11:52

Why would you need to know before a date? Why on earth would you leave your house ill-prepared?

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The date in question is a woman in her 70s. She may be hugely rich with multiple private pensions and a property portfolio OR she may be on a limited income - state pension in which him choosing a fancy tasting menu would be an issue.

The post about the woman who walked to the tube station alone at night as she didn't have the money for a taxi and ubers were thin the ground, shows not everyone goes into battle prepared. There was also a post when a man said he would love to take out a woman who worked in the same industry but at a much lower level. He picked a very fancy restaurant, drank expensive whilst she didn't. The bill ran to hundreds and he said let's split it and she was short for the rest of the month. She was very insistent him saying 'he wanted to take her to this particular restaurant'.

greenwithglee · 23/12/2025 14:42

Katflapkit · 23/12/2025 14:27

The date in question is a woman in her 70s. She may be hugely rich with multiple private pensions and a property portfolio OR she may be on a limited income - state pension in which him choosing a fancy tasting menu would be an issue.

The post about the woman who walked to the tube station alone at night as she didn't have the money for a taxi and ubers were thin the ground, shows not everyone goes into battle prepared. There was also a post when a man said he would love to take out a woman who worked in the same industry but at a much lower level. He picked a very fancy restaurant, drank expensive whilst she didn't. The bill ran to hundreds and he said let's split it and she was short for the rest of the month. She was very insistent him saying 'he wanted to take her to this particular restaurant'.

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When he said lets split it she should have said "yes that's fine, we each pay for what we had" and then totted up her share

JHound · 23/12/2025 14:44

Katflapkit · 23/12/2025 14:27

The date in question is a woman in her 70s. She may be hugely rich with multiple private pensions and a property portfolio OR she may be on a limited income - state pension in which him choosing a fancy tasting menu would be an issue.

The post about the woman who walked to the tube station alone at night as she didn't have the money for a taxi and ubers were thin the ground, shows not everyone goes into battle prepared. There was also a post when a man said he would love to take out a woman who worked in the same industry but at a much lower level. He picked a very fancy restaurant, drank expensive whilst she didn't. The bill ran to hundreds and he said let's split it and she was short for the rest of the month. She was very insistent him saying 'he wanted to take her to this particular restaurant'.

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So what if she is wealthy or poor. I still cannot comprehend going on a date with zero ability to take care of your own costs. Being 70 and expecting the man to pay is one thing.

Going out with zero capacity to cover your own costs is quite another.

I would see no need to discuss in advance as these are two adults.

(As for the woman who was short for the month sounds like she is too silly to be dating. She should have paid for her own items to manage her budget.)

Arlanymor · 23/12/2025 14:46

Katflapkit · 23/12/2025 14:27

The date in question is a woman in her 70s. She may be hugely rich with multiple private pensions and a property portfolio OR she may be on a limited income - state pension in which him choosing a fancy tasting menu would be an issue.

The post about the woman who walked to the tube station alone at night as she didn't have the money for a taxi and ubers were thin the ground, shows not everyone goes into battle prepared. There was also a post when a man said he would love to take out a woman who worked in the same industry but at a much lower level. He picked a very fancy restaurant, drank expensive whilst she didn't. The bill ran to hundreds and he said let's split it and she was short for the rest of the month. She was very insistent him saying 'he wanted to take her to this particular restaurant'.

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The post about the woman who walked to the tube station alone at night as she didn't have the money for a taxi and ubers were thin the ground, shows not everyone goes into battle prepared.

True, but as an adult you should! Unless you have the basics sorted - enough money to get yourself to the date and home, and to cover your half of the meal - then don't go or opt for a cheaper type of date. The issue on the date was all of her own making, no one else was responsible for it.

Newbie8918 · 23/12/2025 16:23

Who asked who out? Who chose the venue? If the answer is one person, they should pay. If it was mutual, split it. For future reference, a walk and a coffee is usually a more neutral way of getting to know each other and easier to split. If he’s insistent on splitting, this should be framed before the date, so no assumptions are made and it’s not awkward.

DurinsBane · 23/12/2025 16:28

Red125 · 23/12/2025 11:48

People who think that, in 2025, men should pay (unless it's a situation where they've agreed they'll meet again and she will pay the next time) - why?!

And what should same sex couples do?

The more ‘masculine’ one of the 2 if there is one?

Thelnebriati · 23/12/2025 16:30

I don't think the friend is a genuine feminist, or he'd know most women have a lower income and pension than most men, so identical treatment always equal. It does sound like he's weaponizing feminism, otherwise he'd stick to the normal dating rules, or discuss his plan with his date up front.

TheMorgenmuffel · 23/12/2025 16:34

I think people should pay their own way on a date. Nobody is owed a free meal.

SisterMidnight77 · 23/12/2025 16:46

I hate to tell you this, he is NOT a feminist.

AnotherEmma · 23/12/2025 17:11

LoveSandbanks · 23/12/2025 11:28

I think if he was a genuine feminist he’d understand that a woman his own age is unlikely to have been paid the same as a man throughout her working life and is likely to be less financially advantaged. I think splitting the bill is probably fine but feel the suggestion should come from the woman. Particularly for people in that generation. I’d feel differently if they were both 25.

Absolutely. The phrase "genuine feminist" has really irked me. Smacks of men claiming to be feminist when it suits them (and not when it doesn't). I wonder if he genuinely did half the childcare, housework and mental/emotional labour in all his previous relationships... as a man in his 70s, I very much doubt it. Very few younger men do it.

thegrinchwasontosomething · 23/12/2025 17:56

Katflapkit · 23/12/2025 14:27

The date in question is a woman in her 70s. She may be hugely rich with multiple private pensions and a property portfolio OR she may be on a limited income - state pension in which him choosing a fancy tasting menu would be an issue.

The post about the woman who walked to the tube station alone at night as she didn't have the money for a taxi and ubers were thin the ground, shows not everyone goes into battle prepared. There was also a post when a man said he would love to take out a woman who worked in the same industry but at a much lower level. He picked a very fancy restaurant, drank expensive whilst she didn't. The bill ran to hundreds and he said let's split it and she was short for the rest of the month. She was very insistent him saying 'he wanted to take her to this particular restaurant'.

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I remember that one. What a complete bell end he was.

i wish she’d had insisted she’d only pay for what she had and left him with the drinks bill.

usedtobeaylis · 23/12/2025 19:45

I think it's up to him what he wants to do, I think splitting the bill is normal, but I also think he should maybe bring it up with her so they can agree instead of what seems to be him just imposing what he thinks.

PeloMom · 23/12/2025 22:06

He chose the place and invited her out- he pays. Also she is in her 70s which makes her born in the 1950s- if think it makes it even more likely for her to be offended if he splits the bill.

Fiftyandme · 23/12/2025 22:07

Not having a discussion beforehand is a bad move.

PyongyangKipperbang · 23/12/2025 22:49

Age is relevant. It would almost certainly be seen as ungallant by a woman in her 70's, I know my mother would be unimpressed.

slashlover · 23/12/2025 22:57

BeenThereBackThen · 23/12/2025 12:05

By asking to split the bill he will ensure that he will never see her again.

I don’t care what feminists say, doing that on first date will broadcast that he is stingy penny pincher and lacking generosity. Major turn off.

Let us know how it goes…

Edited

Surely the stingy one is the one who wont go on a second date unless she gets a free meal on the first one?

PyongyangKipperbang · 23/12/2025 23:12

slashlover · 23/12/2025 22:57

Surely the stingy one is the one who wont go on a second date unless she gets a free meal on the first one?

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Not when the woman concerned is of an age when most of her dating experience would have happened in a time when the man would absolutely be expected to pay. Not because she is a demanding princess but because that was just what happened. My parents are in their 70's and it was very much expected that dates would involve the man paying, at least until they were committed.

So for a woman of that age, yes she would probably be unimpressed with such unchivalrous behaviour.

slashlover · 23/12/2025 23:28

PyongyangKipperbang · 23/12/2025 23:12

Not when the woman concerned is of an age when most of her dating experience would have happened in a time when the man would absolutely be expected to pay. Not because she is a demanding princess but because that was just what happened. My parents are in their 70's and it was very much expected that dates would involve the man paying, at least until they were committed.

So for a woman of that age, yes she would probably be unimpressed with such unchivalrous behaviour.

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There are many women on here who said there wouldn't be a second date if they had to put their hand in their pocket on the first.

PyongyangKipperbang · 23/12/2025 23:33

slashlover · 23/12/2025 23:28

There are many women on here who said there wouldn't be a second date if they had to put their hand in their pocket on the first.

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So?

Are they all in their 70's? I doubt it. So that is a different issue. My point was that this lady came of dating age at a time when it was very much expected, on both sides, that the man would pay for the date. So she isnt being demanding or princessy, but merely is a product of her time.

Edit cos submitted by accident.

ZoggyStirdust · 23/12/2025 23:38

PyongyangKipperbang · 23/12/2025 23:33

So?

Are they all in their 70's? I doubt it. So that is a different issue. My point was that this lady came of dating age at a time when it was very much expected, on both sides, that the man would pay for the date. So she isnt being demanding or princessy, but merely is a product of her time.

Edit cos submitted by accident.

Edited

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So an older man saying women should do all the housework is just a product of his time then? Not someone who is dated and wrong?

DeepRubySwan · 23/12/2025 23:42

She's a woman in her 70s and if he is very interested he should just pay the damn bill. I can't imagine there are too many 70 yr old women on OLD!

PyongyangKipperbang · 23/12/2025 23:43

ZoggyStirdust · 23/12/2025 23:38

So an older man saying women should do all the housework is just a product of his time then? Not someone who is dated and wrong?

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Well....yes! Because it was equally expected that the man should work and pay all the bills. So that was the deal. He works out of the house and provides everything for his wife and kids, and she works in the house covering childcare and housework. It was a partnership. The problems hit when women fought for equality in the work place and yet were still expected to do all the house/child work.

As the saying goes....the past is another country, they do things differently there.

Twofortheroadwanderlust · 23/12/2025 23:50

If a man didn’t pay on first date in my world no second date because attraction is a complicated thing and splitting the bill is an utter turn off for me personally.

DeepRubySwan · 23/12/2025 23:53

Twofortheroadwanderlust · 23/12/2025 23:50

If a man didn’t pay on first date in my world no second date because attraction is a complicated thing and splitting the bill is an utter turn off for me personally.

I agree for me it just means they don't like me.