Should he pay?

[Heriam]

A friend of mine is meeting up with a woman he met via OLD. He is very interested in her for lots of reasons. They are in their 70’s.

When the bill comes, he intends to ask the waiter to split it.

IMO, this is a little crude and paying for dinner would be a nice gesture. AIBU?

He feels that his commitment to male and female equality mean that paying isn’t an option for him. He is a genuine feminist btw. He isn’t weaponising the idea.

That - and also I like a men to be generous of spirit, proud and demonstrative
A man lurking around the yellow stickers for example, or quibbling over a pound at a car booty, or taking the bus over a taxi if it was late, wet and baltic cold, would be equally unattractive to me.
Its In my DNA

Opposite for me. If a man insisted on paying, no second date.

If she can’t afford it, she shouldn’t go for dinner.

If he wants to see her again
“I’ll get it this time, you can get it next time”
If a second date isn’t on the cards then it doesn’t matter if he looks cheap.

Is your husband /partner tight?
Does it all get split down the middle in your day to day lives
cannot think of anything more unappealing but fair play to you x

Why does being a feminist mean you can't treat someone to dinner?!
Having said that, splitting is fine although he shouldn't have picked the restaurant in that case, it should have been a joint decision.

As a feminist myself, personally I prefer taking it in turns to pay so both people feel treated, but I guess I'm doing feminism wrong!

I can’t believe so many people still don’t understand the etiquette in this. It’s a social dance. He is meant to offer to pay the bill. However, she is meant to decline and insist on splitting the bill. He should politely insist. And she should for a final time, decline and take out her purse. The end result being they pay 50-50 but he might joke at it being his treat next time (if he likes her.)

Of course there is a chance that she will just say thanks. However, he’s now learnt something about her that may or may not be a dealbreaker.

It always amazes me that the men who are feminists are often most feminist when it saves them time or money 😆 Being a feminist doesn’t mean you stop being nice or generous to each other?

I’m with you OP assuming he can easily afford dinner he should offer to pay.

This is crazy - of course its fine to split the bill on a first date with someone you barely know. Don't go anywhere crazy expensive though.

Yes, it is fine to split the bill but the couple we are talking about are in their 70s. He invited her to dinner, and has chosen the restaurant and he hasn't checked if she can afford it.

There is difference between going out for pizza and a fine dining 8 course tasting menu

I’d advise him if he is genuinely interested in the person to let them know beforehand that he intends for the bill to be split.

So they aren’t taken aback by someone inviting them for a meal and when the bill comes asking for a split.

He should absolutely not tell the waiter to split the bill as you have stated. That is incredibly rude and I would never see him again if he sprang that upon me with no prior warning. It shows a lack of respect and poor communication skills

I think he should pay as he chose the restaurant or else change the date to somewhere more low key like drinks or a coffee.

I also don’t think he is a feminist. 50-50 people I find are very transactional and don’t understand nuance and equity as opposed to equality

A true feminist would be someone who paid for the dates they planned and expected their partner to
pay for the dates that she planned. That allows them both to plan dates they can comfortably afford and keeps an element
of romance. It also allows you to assess if the other person is generous, sensible with money but willing to treat their partner well and is sensitive enough to take into account different incomes and work with that

Not really. You should not be doing anything you cannot afford unless you know for a fact it is being covered by somebody else

Why does the waiter have to be involved in splitting the bill anyway? Who can be bothered with all this?

If you invite someone out, the assumption is that you pay. I would offer to pay half, nothing to do with the waiter. If my date insisted then I'm not going to argue - assuming we went somewhere else I would then get the drinks. If we went out again, I would pay.

The exact same principle applies with my wean going out with friends - if I invite her friend somewhere, I pay for them. If she goes out with a friend and their parents pay, I return the favour next time.

There is no right or wrong. He is entirely entitled to want to split the bill, there are plenty women out there ok with that. I personally wouldn’t be interested in a man that wanted to split the bill but all that means is our values aren’t the same and that’s ok.

It’s been 20 years since I last went on a date, but in my dating days we always split the bill. That was totally normal. I don’t get why in this day and age you’d assume the man should always pay.

Agree with a fair bit of this and I don't really understand what feminism has got to do with most of it. Women being able to choose who they go out with, where they go, pay their way, doesn't mean anything has to become counted down to the last penny. It means that the woman is an equal participant and it's possible to talk about what works for each of them.

Well I'm grumpy about this type of thing so I wouldn't see him again if he asked the waiter to split the bill. I would offer to split but if he just decided that was what was happening that would annoy me.

Also being extra grumpy men benefit from higher wages so he's had a working lifetime of that and yes he can blooming well pay for the meal

a lot of posters on mumsnet are weirdly traditional about this. It’s an anachronism and they wouldn’t stand for similar dated assumptions regarding the role of women, but men and money is a blind spot

Just because “men” benefit from the gender pay gap generally doesn’t mean you should blindly assume one particular man is better off and should pay for the sins of a whole class! That’s bonkers

I wouldn’t be happy if I went on a date and the other person didn’t offer to split. So if she sat there and didn’t say anything waiting for him to pay, I’d be put off. Splitting is fine and should be normalized.

So you’d test him by offering to split the bill and then getting pissed off if he agreed? Pretty sad behaviour.

Indeed. Often using the fact they may go on maternity leave in the future to justify why a random stranger should pay for what they choose to put into their mouths.

Funny how being traditional or old school only ever seems to relate to a man’s debit card.

Im always happy to split and equally happy to graciously accept a man paying - it’s not something I’d judge his character by. And I’ve never had an unequal partner - my marriage was what’s yours is ours and what’s mine is ours in terms of money and chores.

That’s not so called etiquette m, it’s ridiculous over dramatic, over thinking game playing.

Im pushing 60 and that’s not a scenario I’ve ever encountered. It’s something you’ve made up

Surely if the woman knows she is going for a fine dining 8 course tasting menu she can then decide whether she wants to, or suggest going somewhere else if she doesn’t. Whether that’s affordability or just a preference.