Should he pay?

[Heriam]

A friend of mine is meeting up with a woman he met via OLD. He is very interested in her for lots of reasons. They are in their 70’s.

When the bill comes, he intends to ask the waiter to split it.

IMO, this is a little crude and paying for dinner would be a nice gesture. AIBU?

He feels that his commitment to male and female equality mean that paying isn’t an option for him. He is a genuine feminist btw. He isn’t weaponising the idea.

It’s odd to define what a first date should be. That’s for each couple to decide. A date walking around an art gallery would be monumentally stupid to me as I want to focus on the art and go at my own pace. Neither are possible with a date accompanying me.

So there is no “should”. Simply what a couple prefers.

I think this response nails it 😄

I see both sides. I just think it would make him appear tight which isn’t an attractive quality in either sex.

He suggested the restaurant too so it’s more likely that she might expect him to pay as a kind gesture.

He’s been in one relationship his whole life so really does appreciate the guidance!

That would make her the tight one.

It’s weird that him wanting to split makes him
seem tight but a woman expecting the man to pay is not seen as tight.

That's just your opinion, @JHound . Art gallery was just an example of something that would involve moving around. I could have suggested a museum or a park.
It would probably tell you more about the other person than eating a meal sitting down.

People who think that, in 2025, men should pay (unless it's a situation where they've agreed they'll meet again and she will pay the next time) - why?!

And what should same sex couples do?

No, he asked her out means he should pay. He picked the restaurant so he should pay.

I’m in my 50’s and I wouldn’t go on a second date if he didn’t offer to pay. If the date wasn’t going to be repeated after his offer to pay I would have insisted on splitting it.

If I knew I was going to see him again I would let him pay and say my turn next time.

Agreed. What if he wanted her to pay it all, not even half. Would that be OK?

So many people commenting on its fine/normal to split the bill on the first date. Of course it's fine, and it's totally normal but the couple in question are in their 70s. I know my mother would be offended if the man suggested the date and the restaurant and then told the waiter to split the bill in front of her.

As I said up front, she needs to know before the date. He may be a self declared feminist but is she?

Definitely he should NOT ask the waiter to split the bill.
Just get one bill, and then they agree who pays what between themselves, without involving the waiter.

Yes. That’s my point.

Your opinion of what makes a good first date is just that. Your opinion of whats best for you. It should not be applied to everybody.

If he suggested the date, he chose the venue, he should pay, and then say, "You can get the bill next time." That way he indicates he wants to see her again, shows he isn't tight, and respects her financial equality.

He wouldn’t see me again if he asked to split it.

Why would you need to know before a date? Why on earth would you leave your house ill-prepared?

This is a regular theme on here. Lots of regressive views about 'the man should always pay' and that if you don't insist on this as a woman you should 'raise your bar' - utterly old-fashioned nonsense at its finest. Splitting makes more sense because (a) why wouldn't you pay your share - it's called being an adult and (b) you may never meet again, so taking it in turns leads someone out of pocket. 50/50 isn't petty, it's maturity - paying your way in the world. Also I think dinner for a first date if you don't know someone from a bar of soap is a fairly bad idea - you might be stuck for three courses with the most crushing bore on the planet.

A coffee date (tea for me please, hate coffee!) is a good, informal, no-pressure way to ascertain if there is a connection. If there's a massive connection then by all means spend the rest of the day together and dinner too! But for a first date I think a café meet up is a better bet. Same with the cinema - why would you go and sit in the dark and silence for a couple of hours? That's not how you get to know someone - definitely not wise for a first date, unless you both really want to see the film I guess and plan on going on somewhere else afterwards.

Agree. Most men in their 70’s on OLD are chasing women in their 50’s

If he’s a staunch feminist and the woman he’s saying has an issue with it because she thinks men should pay by default presumably their values and views towards gender roles will be very different and so she’s not right for him anyway?

If he’s asked her out, he should pay. She is in her 70’s so will be expecting him to pay - I agree with you, it would be crude otherwise.

I wouldn't be comfortable with him paying for my food , because it would make me feel like more was expected from me later .
But I'm 50 ,so a lady in her 70s may feel it's expected the man pays
Different generations have different expectations

It's up to him, you can point out a lot of people prefer to take turns rather than have the admin, which might put her off him

So perhaps if he wants to see her again, say I'll do this - you can do the next one

If Not, split it

If he suggested the restaurant and hasn’t said upfront that he will only pay for himself then he needs to pay for it all , how does he know that she can afford it ?

Quite! Although there was that poster recently who didn't take enough money to cover a taxi/Uber to/from her date and then got cross when he didn't offer to walk her to the tube. Not his responsibility in my book.

Also I hate all of this 'person in their 70s' stuff. There isn't a rulebook on how people in their 70s act, think or feel. My mum is 77 - today actually! - and she instilled in me from a very young age the importance of going Dutch. She wouldn't be offended if someone offered to split the bill with her, she would be offended if someone insisted on paying the whole thing themselves! (And wouldn't let them either!)

If he asked her or he suggested a restaurant, he should pay. If he’s interested in this woman and is likely to want to see her again, there will be plenty of opportunity for him to show his feminist qualities. In her position, I’d think that he thought the date had gone badly and was saying he didn’t want to meet up again if he split the bill. If I did believe that he wanted to continue the relationship despite him splitting the bill, I’d think he was likely to be tight and mean spirited in general, which would be off putting.

It might be equal but it isn’t equitable. In all likelihood it will cost the lady more to go on the date. Maybe having to think about her safety with a cab for example. It’s likely, though not necessarily the case, that she will spend more getting ready.