To have abruptly limited DD screen time

[shaniahoo]

DD7 has had her own tablet since she was 3. Covid seemed like a good excuse for a lot of screen time because we were hanging around the house so much. Before tablet she was never capable of playing alone for any stretch of time, so it gave us some respite. This turned into dependency over time, because if nobody was available to play, she'd ask for tablet or TV and we would say yes.

Her brother was born last year and we relied on it even more heavily because someone always needed to be with him and if the other parent was at work or cooking or cleaning or whatever then there was nobody available to play, so screen time it was. Now she's getting older we could see her as a phone addicted teen, and we didn't like it, so we put a 45min a day limit on the tablet and only occasionally offering TV as an alternative.

We're all struggling with this change. DD just doesn't know what to do with herself. She wants to play with someone really but in the 3-6 period between school finish and dinner when she would normally have a straight run of screen time, I'm watching DS while waiting for DH to come home from work and then one of us cooks dinner and the other is still with DS. I think screen time was masking how upsetting it is for her that nobody can play with her after school. They are very different ages and can't play together properly and he can't be left. He grabs whatever she's playing with so we can't play together near him, and she's so rough with him when she tries to play with him. Most of her play with him is moving his body parts around roughly and trapping him or slapping him on the head and calling it "patting". I can't say how much of each afternoon is me saying "he doesn't like that" or "let him go". I try to teach her how to play with him in a nice way but she finds it boring.

She's an excellent reader and I suggest things like, well, reading, or puzzle books or art etc and she always says naaah, naaah, to every idea. She ends up either bothering her brother, rolling around on the sofa making noises or deciding she's going to do something elaborate that it's impossible for me to help her with, like junk modelling. The after school period is now a nightmare. Weekends and after dinner are good because there's usually one parent to play. We fit in playdates where we can and making the best of the quality time together we do have. But I'm wondering if we've made the wrong decision. She's struggling so much with having to entertain herself it's making all our lives so difficult. Should we just give the screen time back? Or is there a chance she could learn and adapt and become good at finding her own fun?

I don't agree with your "basic psychology" in this case, I think toddlers having tantrums are releasing big feelings. I don't believe at my son's age they are doing it with any kind of logical intent.

And I never once said that I don't give DD any attention. It's the specific after school period we're having trouble with. After dinner each night I spend time with her doing anything she wants to do while DH does DS bath time. I play imagination games with her on the school run, which I hate, and some people here are suggesting I drop this, but she really looks forward to this because it's one time of day our play doesn't get interrupted. Both DH and I play with her properly on weekends.

Even in the after school period, I said I can't play with her. Like, with items. Once she's off tablet I'm communicating with her the entire time. Play with DS isn't very intense communication-wise, I generally just have to stay close to him, directing his play a bit and stopping him from falling off the sofa. I'm emotionally available to DD. It's just that she tends to spend this whole period complaining of being bored, rejecting my suggestions and being rough with her brother.

You could put the baby in a playpen with toys and actually play with your daughter.

You can do both, honestly.

You sit between and respond to both.

It's hard work, but just what happens in all sorts of settings - homes, nurseries, childminders.

It’s part of the bigger picture.

shoved in front of a screen to allow mum to play with brother. Ignored for brother. Brother throws a tantrum and gets his own way.

With two children there's no "fully focusing" on anything. A mum to 2 kids is constantly switching back and forth.

Nice fire engine ds!
Yes no problem dd I'll help stick that on for you.
Roar roar! Scary lion!
That looks great dd, let's take a picture for granny.
Crash! Well done! You knocked it over!

Etc, switching several times a minute. Changing your tone of voice from toddler voice to big kid voice.
We all do it, all day long. As a child psychologist you'd know this.

Edit to add - one can prep dinner and do all this at the same time. It doesn't require a supermum, it's just what all mums do everyday all round the country, in the gap between pickup time and dinner.

Of course I do, which is why I called out the poster who claimed that the baby should be perfectly capable of playing alone for half an hour while OP focuses on her daughter.

I have 4 kids btw.

Reading this makes me so angry. You've literally never had time for her, to the extent you had a second baby who you have time for.

Putting that aside and trying to be constructive in a realistic way though...

You have a really limited time to fix it and for fairness sake, I think you're better bunging a tablet at your 14 month old to give DD some attention.

It wont be any worse for him than it was for her and you aren't having more kids(?) so you'll break the cycle. At least then they've been treated equally.

And I can't underline enough how important it is to use these years with her as well as you can because it's the last she will remember of her childhood and you risk massive reentment and alienation by her when she's old enough to move out and have her old child and realises how often she was bottimmof the pile (genuinely not putting the boot in, just saying that even if things seem OK, having a baby changes how you see your own childhood. I look back at my parents and as my own DD hits certain.milestojes I think, wow, I can't believe my parents allowed X or did Y, I could never do that to my 5 yo, because you realise more how little they are as you see ot yourself and it huts different).

So in a nutshell, prioritise your DD, over your DS if needs be.

I think you took what pp said too literally then... I don't think she meant "abandoned your toddler", she just meant "let him play". It sounds like we're all in agreement really

You cannot disagree with a scientifically proven fact.

I've also reread the thread and I don't think I and that pp deserve to be called nasty and mean - so so many others on this thread have written
I'm devastated for your dd
It's heartbreaking to read this
Reading this (the op) makes me so angry
Etc etc.
I've tried to give lots of suggestions without too emotive language like this.

It's easier for op to dismiss us all as "being mean" than to try out some of the suggestions

What do you mean I've literally never had time for her? What on earth are you basing that on?

I answered your questions and you've ignored the majority of my post.

I didn't think your suggestions were mean at all. You then said I was neglecting DD which I did think was mean because I don't believe I'm neglecting her. I know lots of people who WFH after their kids come home from school and they have to just find something to do, I don't think it's neglect. I listed further up on this page the time I do spend with her.

All of your “answers” seem like more excuses.

At 7 she shouldn’t be hitting her little brother on the head etc. I would stamp down extremely hard on that. My daughter is recently turned eight and some games we play that mean I can sit down are scavenger hunts eg bring my something beginning with A, B etc any item from around the house. We sometimes have a kitchen disco to burn off energy, occasionally I get some glow sticks out and turn off the lights. It’s tough when they’re used to screen time ! We’ve def been there and they naturally have more in winter. Could you take them swimming after school?

What disc the rest of your day look like? To be honest I think the biggest problem is far too much time in the house. My second was very busy and needed to be active so we did lots and lots of outside time and library time and all sorts. He was in nursery by that age which was great for him as I was exhausted by it! Not the point at all of course but just saying I understand a bit.

We baby proofed the lounge and he could roam free in there with me checking him regularly. We were in a small terraced house then with one room and a galley type kitchen - the kids shared a room. So we shoved a tiny two person table into a hall bit of the kitchen and my daughter could paint or colour or help me bake or whatever. Of course I’d be back and forth a bit but I’d focud in her as much as possible as my son had me while she was at school.

I would actually take the tablet away. Get a slow cooker and batch cook so it’s several easy meals at a time. Maybe watch something calming with both kids during the witching hour of 5-6. Octonauts or animal shows were hits for mine. The tablet is really damaging for all the reasons already said so I’d just put it away.

We have a switch and my daughter isn’t bothered but my son (now 9) can struggle to regulate with it. If he whines or complains when it’s time to turn it off it’s gone for a week. We have done this since he was 7 and he never complains now as he’s learned. So you’ll have a much easier life next year if you commit now.

You’re right to have drastically cut down on the screen time, don’t go back. I think you really need to invest more time in helping her learn to play independently though. Set her off with a puzzle or a game where you’re there doing it with her at the beginning. Put the baby down/give him a toy and give her 10 minutes of undivided attention to start her off on an activity until she’s got into it.

Also try and find things you can do with both at the same time, eg you’re all sitting on the floor together, oldest has a puzzle/ dolls tea party/whatever set up on one side of you. Baby has stacking cups etc on the other side. You can alternate your attention as needed and your daughter doesn’t feel abandoned.

Tbh it’s going to take effort to get to where you want and need to be and I feel you’re making excuses and prioritising the baby.

Paragraph 1 - covid screen time (I had a toddler in covid, nursery shut, we managed without screen time and juggled work as well by splitting childcare shifts and yes, i can relate to it being hard)

Paragraph 2 - had another baby before cracking the screen issues you thought were already there

Paragraph 3 - using screens after school for 3 hours.

Unless you were using screens less than 3 hours a day during covid then it's continued to increase as she's gotten older.

Fwiw, my child is an only and finds ways to play alone when given the choice between playing in her room, reading or doing a chore.

Tablet was never an extreme amount of time before DS was born. It's more the fact that we RELIED on it when no parent was available to play. So there was never a time she had to play alone. It was play with parent(s), with our full attention, or for a short period of the day screens.

I have a 7 year old who doesn’t go on a tablet at all except for the last resort. We’ve given her an occasionally in a restaurant where we wanted to sit and talk to friends for an extended period or on holiday where we’re on a plane. We try and make it the exception rather than the rule.

That said, I am liberal with the TV. I know that sounds contradictory, but I’ve noticed that if I put Duggie or Bluey or something on, the kids will watch for a bit then wander off doing something else. Then I turn it off. Whereas the tablet seems much more addictive because they can carry it around with them. No idea if there’s any scientific truth in this but it’s just what I’ve observed at home!

My seven-year-old will spend hours doing make believe with her Sylvanian families and that sort of thing. She’s downstairs now setting up a pretend tea party whilst I do jobs upstairs. We’ve got pretend tea and food etc. Could you buy her some stuff like that?

OK, so how do you discipline to get the behaviour you want? Like now, if you said to her no more tablet, go any play in your room and she refuses, what then?

(Ignoring for a moment whether asking her to.play alone for 3 hours is OK)

You’ve made a brave but correct decision. It’s hard but you’ve done the right thing for your daughter.

Make sure she’s got lots of things she can play with and she could help out too with cooking dinner. Also if you can, offer some space so that she can have a friend round.

Obviously I don't know the answer otherwise I wouldn't have made the thread

There is something to be said about the TV being in a fixed place.

It's not really ideal to be WFH while a primary age child is watching TV for 3h every single day - Friday afternoons maybe but not everyday. Just because some people do it, doesn't make it great.

However, putting that aside, I suppose the main issue is, there's a HUGE difference to a child between "I can't play with you as I'm working" and "I can't play with you as I'm looking after your brother". Just see that from dd's point of view.