To have abruptly limited DD screen time

[shaniahoo]

DD7 has had her own tablet since she was 3. Covid seemed like a good excuse for a lot of screen time because we were hanging around the house so much. Before tablet she was never capable of playing alone for any stretch of time, so it gave us some respite. This turned into dependency over time, because if nobody was available to play, she'd ask for tablet or TV and we would say yes.

Her brother was born last year and we relied on it even more heavily because someone always needed to be with him and if the other parent was at work or cooking or cleaning or whatever then there was nobody available to play, so screen time it was. Now she's getting older we could see her as a phone addicted teen, and we didn't like it, so we put a 45min a day limit on the tablet and only occasionally offering TV as an alternative.

We're all struggling with this change. DD just doesn't know what to do with herself. She wants to play with someone really but in the 3-6 period between school finish and dinner when she would normally have a straight run of screen time, I'm watching DS while waiting for DH to come home from work and then one of us cooks dinner and the other is still with DS. I think screen time was masking how upsetting it is for her that nobody can play with her after school. They are very different ages and can't play together properly and he can't be left. He grabs whatever she's playing with so we can't play together near him, and she's so rough with him when she tries to play with him. Most of her play with him is moving his body parts around roughly and trapping him or slapping him on the head and calling it "patting". I can't say how much of each afternoon is me saying "he doesn't like that" or "let him go". I try to teach her how to play with him in a nice way but she finds it boring.

She's an excellent reader and I suggest things like, well, reading, or puzzle books or art etc and she always says naaah, naaah, to every idea. She ends up either bothering her brother, rolling around on the sofa making noises or deciding she's going to do something elaborate that it's impossible for me to help her with, like junk modelling. The after school period is now a nightmare. Weekends and after dinner are good because there's usually one parent to play. We fit in playdates where we can and making the best of the quality time together we do have. But I'm wondering if we've made the wrong decision. She's struggling so much with having to entertain herself it's making all our lives so difficult. Should we just give the screen time back? Or is there a chance she could learn and adapt and become good at finding her own fun?

Of course it's the right decision!

God everyone's just bitching about me now. What a horrible bloody end to the thread.

What the hell is wrong with you?? I leave him to cry in the cot when I go the toilet, yeah! If it takes a while and he's still crying I don't rush back mid-poo. He hasn't learned not to cry while I'm in there! It's not a problem and it's not my fault either, it's pretty bloody normal. And the other thing I described is looking after his safety so he doesn't fall off the bloody sofa.

I’m a secondary school teacher and YANBU to dial down her screen time OP. It’s hard now but things will be so much worse if you don’t.
can she not e.g. cook dinner with you?
my 7yo son always enjoys that.

When younger, we also used the naughty step and confiscating stuff. Do X or you'll be on the step. Get off the step and I'll take X toy.

God that's awful.

OP - take the good advice you've been kindly offered and ignore the jibes. And enjoy your children, you lucky thing. Id love to have a little girl to interact with (again!) and a toddler too🙂

I think you're making life unnecessarily difficult for yourself. I'd say homework first if she can do homework independently, getting changed for later activities and then watching telly together is ok until dinner time. Don't let her pick what to watch all the time - introduce her to age appropriate documentaries.

She may need downtime from having spent the day interacting with people and telly allows this.

This thread is horrible. Not you OP.

Yes, I see your point. I was more making a point that the OP is using covid as an excuse for giving her DD an ipad.

I agree! I have a 7yo and a 2yo and my husband works Saturdays so we spend the day just the 3 of us usually- I do plenty with the both of them but sitting on the floor playing an intricate game of Barbies with my 7yo while gently but firmly instructing my toddler to do something on his own and not touch any of the alluring toys (as some people seem to suggest!) would not be feasible.

You’ve done the right thing!
My only question and this is no judgement, just curious..why can’t you watch your youngest and also play with her? I have a kid who started school this September and also a 4 month old. I’m able to do both. Not for a full 3 hours, but I can always play with my oldest for some of that time. I don’t understand why you can only give attention to one of your children for 3 whole hours? It’s probably playing a big part in her behaviour.

I'm sorry you've been on the receiving end of some awful posts. Please try to ignore them. Easier said than done, I know. But there have been some helpful and supportive responses as well. I hope you're able to concentrate on those and not take the others to heart.

Following this for strength to hold firm with withy own DS7. Well done for making the leap, OP.

I agree, I gave a play kitchen to my son as his first birthday present. Okay, he wasn’t role playing cafes, but he happily sat on my kitchen floor while I was cooking, emptying everything out, putting the cups inside the play kitchen cupboards or in the sink.

The other thing I did most days was sensory play. My son’s favourite at that age was flour and cake sprinkles in a tub with scoops and empty bottles/yoghurt pots. He would play with that for ages.

I think the OP needs to set up an activity for the youngest that he can do in the same room.

OP I have similar age gap and I’d say parenting approach. You need to simplify. Those 3h after school/nursery they both need to decompress, which will make it all more difficult. As soon as it’s lighter take snacks and detour to a local playground on the way back. At home cuddle up with both on sofa and read a book to them- good picture book with a story will work for both of them, if either wanders off to play just keep reading. Sensory play is your friend- at 14 months you’d want to stay away from slime or magic sand - but coloured rice, chickpeas, pasta and some spoons and pouring receptacles should be a hit with both. Start them together but have a small tray for her to be able to move to the table. Playdough will be fun for both. Try painting things, rather than painting on paper - look up process art. Simple baby building blocks and stacking cups can be fun for both. You’re 14 month old can mix flour and water- it will not be edible, it will be messy but he’ll love it and can be part of your and dd cooking.:) Your daughter will need to learn to play independently but it will take time. You’re probably not at the point leaving either of them for 30mins unattended and you’re right that leaving either upset is not the solution but do it in 5min increments and you’ll get there.:)

Stick with it - it will be hard for her but she will adapt. For context our boys had no devices at all until they were 11 and they are now 12 & 14, and are limited to 1 hour per day on their iPhones (each got a phone the September they were 11 and off to secondary school). The eldest often doesn’t use his full hour, the youngest will use it and sometimes ask for more time which we don’t allow. In their free time they play outside in our garden a lot, do Lego, read, draw, play the piano, do sports training at home, and look after their animals. They also spend a lot of their time outside of school doing various sports training sessions with their clubs etc.

When my now teen DDs were that age I used to specifically set aside 30 minutes a day exclusively to play with each of them 1-2-1. They would get to decide how we spent our ‘quality time’ as they referred to it. We used a timer & they were aware that I had other things to do when the time was up. They were so much happier to entertain themselves once they’d had some of my undivided attention. And been shown HOW to play …

Pack waterproofs and take them to the park.
libraries often have an afterschool club for free like crafts, Lego etc.
Have one of her friends over (and they’ll probably offer to have her back).
playdough works for both ages as would jigsaws (one each) general art/crafts, train sets. You sit between them and help each alternatively. My age gaps were much smaller so I had two or three very small children all needing attention and it’s really not easy with a toddler as they need constant attention I know how you feel but hopefully lots of ideas on this thread for you to try.

It's not a good idea to let her continue to be addicted to electronic devices. The older she gets, the more bored she'll become, and she might even lose her normal interpersonal skills. Children this age should be running under the blue sky, playing on the grass, and growing up playing and laughing with peers. You can also help her develop a skill or hobby, such as painting, playing ball, or going to an amusement park. Only when her life is rich will she not rely solely on electronic devices to pass the time.