To have abruptly limited DD screen time

[shaniahoo]

DD7 has had her own tablet since she was 3. Covid seemed like a good excuse for a lot of screen time because we were hanging around the house so much. Before tablet she was never capable of playing alone for any stretch of time, so it gave us some respite. This turned into dependency over time, because if nobody was available to play, she'd ask for tablet or TV and we would say yes.

Her brother was born last year and we relied on it even more heavily because someone always needed to be with him and if the other parent was at work or cooking or cleaning or whatever then there was nobody available to play, so screen time it was. Now she's getting older we could see her as a phone addicted teen, and we didn't like it, so we put a 45min a day limit on the tablet and only occasionally offering TV as an alternative.

We're all struggling with this change. DD just doesn't know what to do with herself. She wants to play with someone really but in the 3-6 period between school finish and dinner when she would normally have a straight run of screen time, I'm watching DS while waiting for DH to come home from work and then one of us cooks dinner and the other is still with DS. I think screen time was masking how upsetting it is for her that nobody can play with her after school. They are very different ages and can't play together properly and he can't be left. He grabs whatever she's playing with so we can't play together near him, and she's so rough with him when she tries to play with him. Most of her play with him is moving his body parts around roughly and trapping him or slapping him on the head and calling it "patting". I can't say how much of each afternoon is me saying "he doesn't like that" or "let him go". I try to teach her how to play with him in a nice way but she finds it boring.

She's an excellent reader and I suggest things like, well, reading, or puzzle books or art etc and she always says naaah, naaah, to every idea. She ends up either bothering her brother, rolling around on the sofa making noises or deciding she's going to do something elaborate that it's impossible for me to help her with, like junk modelling. The after school period is now a nightmare. Weekends and after dinner are good because there's usually one parent to play. We fit in playdates where we can and making the best of the quality time together we do have. But I'm wondering if we've made the wrong decision. She's struggling so much with having to entertain herself it's making all our lives so difficult. Should we just give the screen time back? Or is there a chance she could learn and adapt and become good at finding her own fun?

This is unfair.

I agree she needs to divide her attention. That is exactly what she is asking for advice on how to do.

Telling her to ignore a crying baby because he needs to learn isn't helpful advice.

the issue is he knows that by throwing a tantrum he gets exactly what he wants.

More excuses.

Just admit you favour your son

Again. Ds plays on the floor. Dd plays at the dining table. It's such an easy solution that we all use, every family with a toddler and older one.

He is 14 months old!

He isn't a master manipulator!

1. He's not a baby.
2. She doesn't need to ignore him. She can bounce him on her knee while she praises her dd's crafting. She can shout "great fire engine ds" while helping dd glue the crafts at the table. She can roll a ball towards him with one hand while sitting and chatting about dd's day.

Literally hundreds of ways she can divide her attention, that parents of 2 do everyday

How is "we don't have space for a playpen" an "excuse" not to put him in a playpen? It's a reason!

He is old enough to have been conditioned to know that crying = all of mummy’s attention. It’s not manipulation, just basic psychology.

Every single suggestion has been batted away, because you don’t want to change things.

My youngest is 22 months now so a bit older but 14 months wasn’t long ago and I have two older children (with one more on the way)

This is extra effort you may not have the energy for. I set things up in the evening or at nap time. For example — a play tent with babies/ books/ brick towers/ objects from the kitchen to explore inside. I’m big on toy rotations so set out on her shelves “new” toys or objects inviting her to play. I use a tuff tray type thing to put lentils and scoops or other age appropriate play.

Your older DD is going through a process and withdrawal, as are you I imagine! This is hard and you’re doing a great thing, give both of you some grace. Special time can be safeguarded for her when DS is being bathed/ put to bed by one parent.

Getting out of the house may be the biggest trick you are missing. DS in waterproof suit and wellies (if/ when he is stable enough) and maybe a treasure hunt for your DD. Spot all the items together and collect them. The park, open space and no toys to share, there are usually other children there. In the summer months, I often make “park dinner” (just bring dinner to the park and a picnic blanket). The local library, we go at least once a week. Sometimes it’s just to a small shop for something we need but its chats on the way and finding the item together.

Outings if you can afford them — for example, when I lived in a different town I had zoo passes and would go after school for a couple of hours, there’s nothing to share there and lots to see and do.

Play dates, all the time. My two older ones know that I will only very rarely say no and only for good reasons. Our home is considered an open door home. The lovely thing is I know all their friends well and always cook enormous dinners anyway.

I have raised my children largely screen free and would consider a full screen detox if I were you. It’s hard but worth it. For you and DH too with minimal phone use and no tv, etc. You start to see the world differently 🙂

Yes and I said very far upthread that she always says no to activities I suggest she could do at the table. Activities that are possible to do at the table are my go-to suggestions and she says "naah" to that and chooses instead to bother her brother or roll around making noises. In fact I think that's in my initial post.

Bullshit

Sorry, my second paragraph was referencing ways to engage your 14 month old but I said she because I was sharing what I do for my youngest daughter

OK I think you're hoping there's no solution because that will relieve your guilt from neglecting your dd and favouring your ds.

But we are telling you, there are solutions.

I'm not a perfect parent, I'm lazy and short tempered, but I'd never ever favour one child over the other, the way you have done and are choosing to continue doing.

This is the kind reply that is actually helpful! Thank you! And thank you to all of the other PPs who have demonstrated some level of empathy. Sorry I'm prioritising replying to the people who are challenging me.

7 year olds who are going through screen withdrawal may feel like everything is boring. Setting out the activity on the table and saying nothing may invite her to be interested and start it herself? She will naturally want to say ‘nahhhh’ to everything you suggest, I imagine

I’d maybe try preparing it when she was at school so she could discover it when she gets home without feeling cajoled

No, love, it’s not bullshit. It’s called classic conditioning. Action = reward (positive reinforcement), so he does it more.

Get a playpen that the baby can go in to keep him away from DD while she is doing her thing, or even vice versa, she could go in it if that works better.
Don't waste your limited energy for imaginative play on the school run, she doesn't need to be entertained then. School run is the time for maths practice, times tables and the like. If you can only face imaginative play for a small amount of time, do it at home where it will have more impact.
Have other children over to play more frequently, even if it's only for an hour or so, they can entertain each other, and hopefully she will be invited out as well.
Get outside, walk to the shop, post a letter, go to the library. It's hard at the moment as it gets dark so early, but you can walk in the dark even if the playground is closed.
Think of things that she can do with the baby, he sounds old enough to play with things like wooden bricks and she could help him build towers or do shape sorters with him, or read him a story. You need to make it very clear that everyone has to be gentle with babies, and keep pointing out how much the baby loves her, and how he smiles at her antics. Show her how to make up stories to entertain the baby, if she likes imaginative play then an audience is great!
Get her to help with food prep and general housework. If you are trying to do it all while she moans about being bored, you are sending the wrong message, you are parents, not servants. She can contribute.

Yeah there are posters giving good suggestions and I'm prioritising replying to people like you who are being nasty. Maybe I shouldn't.
I absolutely do not favour DS over DD. I'm trying to deal with the fact that I only have limited time, and I end up giving DS more attention than her because he's younger and less capable.

Thank you

Don’t forget that you, DS and DD are trying to simultaneously learn new skills. You to parent differently, and DD and DS to play differently and be parented differently. Learning new things is hard and takes effort. I think it’s brave to try to make these changes rather than stick with the easy route

Nobody is being nasty. They’re just telling you things you don’t want to hear.

Yes exactly, repeatedly move him and play with him.

Of course you can't just ignore your kids and expect it to be ok.

You have to be involved.

Excuse me, I haven't been nasty, I've made suggestion after suggestion of what you can do with your children. Stop making excuses for their sakes and try some of the suggestions. You will damage them both if you continue to favour one over the other

People are telling me to ignore him and play with her, you're telling me I have to play with him to keep him away from mine and DDs game. I can't do both.