To have abruptly limited DD screen time

[shaniahoo]

DD7 has had her own tablet since she was 3. Covid seemed like a good excuse for a lot of screen time because we were hanging around the house so much. Before tablet she was never capable of playing alone for any stretch of time, so it gave us some respite. This turned into dependency over time, because if nobody was available to play, she'd ask for tablet or TV and we would say yes.

Her brother was born last year and we relied on it even more heavily because someone always needed to be with him and if the other parent was at work or cooking or cleaning or whatever then there was nobody available to play, so screen time it was. Now she's getting older we could see her as a phone addicted teen, and we didn't like it, so we put a 45min a day limit on the tablet and only occasionally offering TV as an alternative.

We're all struggling with this change. DD just doesn't know what to do with herself. She wants to play with someone really but in the 3-6 period between school finish and dinner when she would normally have a straight run of screen time, I'm watching DS while waiting for DH to come home from work and then one of us cooks dinner and the other is still with DS. I think screen time was masking how upsetting it is for her that nobody can play with her after school. They are very different ages and can't play together properly and he can't be left. He grabs whatever she's playing with so we can't play together near him, and she's so rough with him when she tries to play with him. Most of her play with him is moving his body parts around roughly and trapping him or slapping him on the head and calling it "patting". I can't say how much of each afternoon is me saying "he doesn't like that" or "let him go". I try to teach her how to play with him in a nice way but she finds it boring.

She's an excellent reader and I suggest things like, well, reading, or puzzle books or art etc and she always says naaah, naaah, to every idea. She ends up either bothering her brother, rolling around on the sofa making noises or deciding she's going to do something elaborate that it's impossible for me to help her with, like junk modelling. The after school period is now a nightmare. Weekends and after dinner are good because there's usually one parent to play. We fit in playdates where we can and making the best of the quality time together we do have. But I'm wondering if we've made the wrong decision. She's struggling so much with having to entertain herself it's making all our lives so difficult. Should we just give the screen time back? Or is there a chance she could learn and adapt and become good at finding her own fun?

@shaniahoo , genuine question here, but do you know how to play? Not a structured activity like crafts or board games , but imaginary play. Pretending you’re animals, fairies, pirates pretend play with dolls/teddies , building forts , making potions that kind of stuff?

Just thinking back to some practical suggestions from my childminding days when I would have multiple toddlers or babies plus after school/summer holidays, older ones too.

I agree it sounds like you need to invest in some more stuff and actually introduce game/play ideas and I would definitely work on making the table activities more appealing as these are an absolute godsend when you’ve got toddlers and older ones. If you Can incorporate a walk into the school run I would absolutely do so. Half an hour walk will let off steam get you out of the house and kill some time. We used to get back from the walk home and all sit at the table for a snack and chat. I would put in the middle of the table their activities to choose from - something messy like play doh, painting or junk modelling and they’d all do it but something like Hama beads, bracelet making or magnet building then little ones would have some toys to play with. The toddlers would inevitably get bored first so could get down and I’d give them a toy box to play with. In my experience, children are much more likely to engage when introduced to a game or presented with a specific box of toys to play with rather than just let loose on everything. So I’d have a box full of cars for one day, play food & cooking the next, duplo, dressing up or den building, train set, teddy bear picnic, dolls (mums & dads this could be a nice game with your eldest as a way of introducing gentle playing with her brother!)
I’d often find the older ones would then join the little ones in whatever they were playing with or would want to find a quiet space to read a book or just continue some quiet colouring or drawing. If Toddlers need more supervision whilst I was prepping dinner they’d go in a highchair with some toys next to me (Even just some wooden spoons would be fun). Get your eldest involved in food prep and laying the table if your toddler is in the highchair, he can do the same with plain knives and some toy food even a bit of real food let him make a bit of a mess.

Make sure you sit down with them both to eat as hopefully this will be a nice opportunity to chat and a slightly calmer time. I would then allow television whilst I was cleaning up after dinner but Or alternatives as you’d be surprised not all children want to watch television every time it’s offered and the promise of time with mum/doing something grown up whilst your brother watches TV might appeal.

I would also second the suggestion of something like Polly pockets or Sylvanian families if she hasn’t already got them. She might need some help getting started learning how to play, but I had children that would literally play for hours with these. Actually Lego was a bit like that too for some of them and even quite young children can enjoy this with supervision.

Good luck and really well done but please don’t back down I find it so sad seeing young children totally devoid of any imagination because all they know for entertainment is screens. This will be worth it in the long run.

I felt deeply depressed reading this post. Don’t give her the screen time back. I can’t belive she was having 3 hours a day, every day after school. That’s shocking for her mental and physical health. Your post is a long list of excuses tbh, you’ve chosen to have two kids, now you’ve got to parent them.

Junk modelling is the least elaborate or hard work children’s activity! Stick both children at the table, cover it in recycling and give DD some tape to stick it all together, that way you’re spending time with and watching both of them.

Well done for taking this difficult but necessary step.

Don’t feel you have to entertain her all the time - remember that boredom is a gift because it prompts creative thought. How often were you bored as a child? I’m sure we all went moaning to our parents from time to time. You didn’t suffer from that experience and neither will she, and when she learns to entertain herself it will allow her to become a much more capable person.

Well done OP you are doing the right thing. 45 mins of screen time is plenty for a 7 year old. You'll all adapt to it and find out what works.

When I did this, I found it easier to take the tablet away completely and let dc watch an hour or so of good tv. By good, I mean absorbing shows/films or informative.
Giving them a tablet “shot” just kept them hooked.

Anything creative worked well. Dc painted stones, dream catchers, painted pictures, made toilet roll crafts. I had a book that they would flip through and decide to make something.
Baking also worked well.
They also enjoyed workbooks and puzzle books.

Persevere.
YOU put out an activity on the dining table out of reach of little one. A toy she hasn't played with in ages, art, making a thank you card for someone, whatever.
YOU need to give her a minimum of 15 minutes uninterrupted time with her, 1 on 1, preferably every day. 15month old can sit in the high chair while one parent cooks, again persevering is key.
She wants connection, needs to be taught the options for when she is bored, you also need to lead by example- so no screens for adults, doing reading, puzzles etc so she can see you do it.
There are also things you can do as a family- dance party for 10mins, games night if you look on Instagram they show you how yo make up quick easy games for all age groups.

Yes, I do. Before DS was born we would do pretend play every goddamn free second of the day. Usually the three of us together. We relied on screen time a lot but only when both of us were busy (less often than now) or during covid when DH was furloughed and there were many, many free hours at home to kill. The screen time only properly ramped up after DS was born. On every school run we play some kind of pretend we're fairies/Pokémon trainers/unicorn babysitters game. I actually hate pretend play that doesn't involve props and it really drains me so I only do this on school runs and not at home. We love doing pretend play with toys and at weekends always either me or DH is playing something like that with her. It does always involve toys though and that's what makes it so hard. For example if we're playing school, she wants to give each cuddly toy their own "chair" or book to sit on and arrange them nicely in a classroom. Then at lunchtime she wants to put a meal in front of each toy. Or get them to line up for lunch and move the line along one toy at a time. DS messes everything up and she SCREAMS in his ear and snatches so roughly that he falls down, then I tell her off and it's all soured. If we do something like this on the opposite side of the fence from him, we're talking like 1 metre squared of floor space on each side of the fence so you can understand his frustration at not being able to reach her toys that are new and exciting to him because he's not allowed to touch them. I don't find the idea of just allowing him to have a tantrum or even putting earplugs in, as someone suggested, conducive to a calm play environment.

That’s the crux of it then. You would rather give in to your toddler’s tantrums than parent him, and it’s affecting your daughter.

My mum never played with me at her age! I used to read and stuff. I feel like if I posted this on a different day I might get loads of replies saying DD needs to learn to entertain herself. I've seen many threads on Mumsnet where someone has said " I hate playing with my child" and most of the replies are like yeah I don't play with my kids, that's what their siblings are for.

You need to keep your DS away from her toys.

Your mum did not put you on an iPad for 3 hours a day.

Did your mum allow your younger siblings to interfere with what you were doing? The issue is your DS is preventing her from playing.

I don't know if neglecting my son is a good solution here? He doesn't tantrum to be manipulative. Tantrums generally require some kind of caregiving response. He's practically a baby. And yes of course he can refuse a high chair. He gets himself into an extreme state of distress in the high chair. I don't do COI either.

How? If they're in the same room. The only way I can keep him away from her/her things at the moment is by repeatedly removing him and playing with him to keep him distracted. I can't just move him away and then ignore him. He will come back.

I find it quite bizarre that some posters seem to be suggesting your 14 month old should be more capable of playing independently than your 7 year old.

You’re just continuing to make excuses. Leaving him to play alone isn’t neglect.

He should be capable of doing it for half an hour a day so that OP can see her daughter?

Half an hour isn't going to fix the issue of 3 hours after school. And the vast majority of 14 month old babies cannot play independently for half an hour anyway.

She needs to find ways that they can play together/ side by side, not ignore a very young child

He wouldn’t be ignored. Put him in a playpen with some duplo. OP is neglecting her daughter.

This is not what we're saying. We're saying op needs to equalise the balance because she is giving ds ALL her attention and favour and her dd none. Allowing ds to ruin dd's play. Allowing ds to monopolise her attention. Shrugging and saying that's just the way it has to be.

I leave him to play alone quite easily when he's willing to do so. When he's happy playing alone. But if me and DD gets some toys out in the same living space that he's in, he doesn't want to play alone anymore, he wants to play with what we're playing with. And ignoring him when he's crying would be neglect yes.

Yes, you're right. On other threads you will find people saying that of course their 5 year old can occupy themselves without screens with wholesome activities while they WFH after school

We haven't got a playpen or space for a playpen. The room is divided by a fence with about a metre squared of floor space on each side.

BOTH children need to learn how to entertain themselves, but in the meantime, op must give her dd more attention.

Screaming in her brother's ear is unacceptable and sibling-on-sibling abuse. When children abuse others, it's a call for help. Your dd is sick of being sidelined and deprioritised in favour of her new brother.

This should be a huge wake up call for you op