DD has cancelled on attending Christmas for the 2nd time in 3 years last minute

[calypsolypso]

DD is 26, she is our youngest child and the youngest grandchild on both sides, all her siblings and cousins are now married with children. She is in a long term relationship but has made it clear she views children are something very distant, I think this is normal for a 26 year old professional in London.

Last year she spend Christmas with her boyfriend’s family, the year before she was meant to visit us but decided last minute not to. She hasn’t met 2 of our grandchildren one of whom is now almost 2, she hasn’t met most of her cousins children.

Typically we host on Christmas Day for my family then go to my DHs parents on Boxing Day with all of his family. DD told us she and her boyfriend would be joining us this year. I have made up stockings for them, ensured we have their favourite drinks and snacks in and I have been very looking forward to having everyone together. Today (bearing in mind they were meant to be getting the train this afternoon) DD messaged me saying she’s had a last minute change of heart and they are going to do Christmas with friends at home. I asked why and she sent a text rant more or less about how she doesn’t enjoy being around lots of children, finds it tedious and annoying and hates the pressure to be a fun or involved aunt/cousin. I pointed out she hasn’t even met some of them and if she doesn’t come home for Christmas she won’t have seen her siblings at all in over a year. She said she was aware and wasn’t bothered. She followed up saying she would send the presents she got for DH and I up. I asked if she got her nieces and nephews any gifts and she said no.

AIBU to think DD is being incredibly rude cancelling last minute and clearly not giving the slightest crap about her siblings or their families?

How did you get invited to my parents’ house? 😂

I don’t think people understand how excruciating family gatherings can be when you’re exceptionally different from your family.

I think you nailed it yourself in one of your replies OP. She thinks she’s better than you all now and would rather be among her “type”.

Why don't you message her and apologise and offer her the spare room.

Some of these replies are insane. People picking on small parts of what OP has said and dragging them out something shocking.

I don’t think your sleeping arrangements are an issue and I don’t understand why people are picking them apart and making out like your daughter is hard done by. That’s how my family does it. We all just go anywhere we fit and we make do. Even though I absolutely hate sleeping on an air bed at my parents I still do it.

Who knows why your daughter has done this. If she’s mid 20s she sounds like some of the mid 20 year olds I work with. If they don’t want to do something they just won’t do it. Even if it’s the right thing to do. I helped someone recently and my colleague who was with me couldn’t understand why I helped the person. They’re the same age as your daughter. The first of the full on social media generation. They only have empathy when it serves them. And they can’t seem to put themselves in others shoes. It’s very me me me and they do not people please.

and I don’t mean that EVERY mid 20 something is like this. I know plenty who aren’t. But I know a lot of them whose brains are just different. And they are extremely self obsessed and don’t really care unless it’s something they want.

I’m perplexed by the aggro you’re getting op. Some posters just really love to try to get the boot in, even when what they are saying makes zero sense.

Sad people.

You offered for your child to spend Christmas at home. She accepted. 3 days before Christmas she cancels with no good reason. That’s incredibly rude of her. Whatever reason she has, she needs to grow up and communicate it or just stop letting people down.

This isn’t about the sleeping arrangements; she’s been disengaged from the family for years. Not even congratulating the birth of babies.

Concentrate on your loved ones who make an effort for you, like you do them. Healthy relationships are reciprocal, focus on your loved ones and have a lovely Christmas. Next year, I’d invite her but only on the basis she doesn’t back out. She needs to know it’s rude and unacceptable.

Adults should be able to have proper conversations about things.

this thread is fascinating - adult son lives close by and daughter travels six hours. Adult son gets priority and people are divided about whether that is right or wrong.

again, I dont for one moment believe this thread is real - but it has really brought out peoples prejudices. The childless high flying university graduate who left for the bid smoke versus the traditional working class family who stayed close, didn’t go to university and had kids. It’s painted as so back and white by OP - I wonder is she writing a (not very imaginative) book.

If she doesn't like children or family gatherings she's probably been dreading it and only just made the decision to bail.
If you want a relationship find out what she is comfortable with. If she has no interest in maintaining sibling ties expecting her to because its what you want is unreasonable.

As a childfree adult, I would absolutely hate to spend my Christmas day surrounded by screaming kids, monitoring what I drink and having to monitor my conversation to ensure that it is child friendly. Other people's children are incredibly boring to those who are not their parents or grandparents. I would struggle to be in a confined space with them without respite over the Christmas period. Spending Christmas with my actual friends and being able to drink what I want and speak freely sounds far superior to the day being made all about a bunch of kids who are not mine.

Do her siblings who she rarely speaks to make the effort first, or is the onus often on her? Do you and her siblings constantly rabbit on about the kids without asking many questions about her life? I have been in this exact position and it sounds like these feelings have been bottling up for some time.

And you’d really have said, oh no bother darling, perfectly understandably. Look, we’ll re-arrange the rooms, DS can have the dining room and the box room and you can have the other room. Or perhaps you’d like me to book a hotel, it might be more peaceful for you there and you can pop in and out to see us. Can’t wait to see you later.

Because its human nature to hope that this years things might be different. This year her needs might be considered. That for once her needs might be put above big bro who lives twenty mins away.

When you go to London how do you spend your time? Does she take time out of her day to meet you for a meal? To suggest places to visit? To recommend nice things you might like to do? Introduce her boyfriends to you? Or are the London trips nice weekend breaks for you and your DH and you just so happen to meet DD while you're there?

Or does she tell you to book a hotel and not bother showing up to meet you?

Not being funny but are you purposely picking what you read, or are you struggling with comprehension?

OP didn’t give her son priority, she chose the arrangement that made best sense for the infants in the house!

as someone with a chronic illness, and 2 diagnosed ND kids, i wouldn't want to be staying at my mums for the week, i'd want my own bed.

By the sound of it DS can't be arsed to look after his own wife and kids, she's ill and exhausted, so they're palming them off on Grandma, who's only too happy to boot her youngest daughter and partner out to accommodate playing SuperGran.

I hope youngest DD goes NC and finds found family that actually treat her like she's worth something.

You can not be for real? If you genuinely hand on heart can't understand why your daughter would feel the way she clearly does when you prioritise a nice comfy bed for your son who lives 20 mins away then you really are a lost cause.

I refused to sleep on floors, sofas or airbeds. So I host Christmas beciase I am an adult.

I buy my own hotel room. I upgrade accommodation so there is a room for me.

I put my foot down many years ago when my dad tried to force me to share a room with my younger cousins at a hotel. I was 35, earning a six figure salary and paying for my own room.

Gosh op, some of these comments are deranged 😳

There is absolutely no issue with you putting ds in the room upstairs or having him stay with you despite living 20mins away. Its Christmas!!! Im going to stay with my mum this week so we can hang out, I can have some wine and get a decent kip (my flat is not that comfy right now gor various reasons). I live 15mins away...

Your dd sounds like shes just selfish and not fussed about family. She should have been up front from the start. If for any reason she wasnt happy with any of the arrangements eg sleeping in the dining room, then I would expect a lawyer to be able to speak up and say something...

Agreed

This sounds an obvious reason to not come. I wouldn’t. A 26 year old young London professional living with a partner Vs on a sofa bed in the dining room, surrounded by kids all waking hours (which at her age and dynamic would be pure hell). Accept it, wish her a fabulous Christmas and enjoy your own.
She’ll change as she gets older - I’d leave her be.

Only you know the dynamic in your family. I’m youngest of several, living furthest away. I loathe family get togethers. I have one sibling who has to be the centre of attention at all times, makes spiteful remarks if you speak. Another who is very derogatory. She’s wonderful and you’re shite. I can cope with one at a time for short periods. All together, including other narcissistic elements, it’s intolerable and makes me mentally ill. If you’ve put her behind others for a bedroom, she’s maybe absolutely sick of it and opted out. Maybe she thought she could face it but now can’t. I keep well clear of the family WhatsApp. Because they discuss things elsewhere then present things as decided, usually with some manipulating factor for me. It’s transparent. Are her siblings buying presents for her? Or is she just expected to buy for multiple dc whose parents don’t call or visit her, or treat her with any respect. Try and put yourself in her shoes and see what you come up with. Or maybe she’s just tired and doesn’t feel up to that kind of Christmas. Why do you feel she has to come.? It’s maybe your idea of a great Christmas but not hers. Just throwing ideas out there. Could be for any number of reasons. Ask her.

The main thing is she is happy and thriving and she is still in touch. There is no need to guilt her really - yes you would love to see her - but she will probably come back to the fold at some point.

Life has moved on and she perhaps doesn’t really know how to fit in right now with so many little ones.

Or maybe she will meet up with nieces and nephews on future day trips to London and be the aloof supper stylish and successful career aunt.

Why should she have told you when you didn't bother asking her?

Apart from not giving her that option you seem to have completely igored the fact that she was bringing a new boyfriend. Don't you agree it might have been embarrassing for her to ask him to bunk on a sofa bed for five nights?

I think it’s insane you are expecting her to buy gifts for 8 nieces and nephews she barely knows!

I dont see what it is such an issue, we live 5 mins at most drive from my parents, we still stayed with our DCs for the whole of Christmas. Your DD could speak up if she was unhappy with sleeping arrangements.

@FunnyOrca I think it’s insane that a high earning aunt would turn up empty handed, not even a sticker book each.

And even more insane that she’d not even send a congratulatory text when her sister gave birth, even if they’re not close.

I guess we’re all different…

Would you have moved DS who has a home 20 minutes away to the dining room?

I would always want my own bed especially if I was so close by.