DD has cancelled on attending Christmas for the 2nd time in 3 years last minute

[calypsolypso]

DD is 26, she is our youngest child and the youngest grandchild on both sides, all her siblings and cousins are now married with children. She is in a long term relationship but has made it clear she views children are something very distant, I think this is normal for a 26 year old professional in London.

Last year she spend Christmas with her boyfriend’s family, the year before she was meant to visit us but decided last minute not to. She hasn’t met 2 of our grandchildren one of whom is now almost 2, she hasn’t met most of her cousins children.

Typically we host on Christmas Day for my family then go to my DHs parents on Boxing Day with all of his family. DD told us she and her boyfriend would be joining us this year. I have made up stockings for them, ensured we have their favourite drinks and snacks in and I have been very looking forward to having everyone together. Today (bearing in mind they were meant to be getting the train this afternoon) DD messaged me saying she’s had a last minute change of heart and they are going to do Christmas with friends at home. I asked why and she sent a text rant more or less about how she doesn’t enjoy being around lots of children, finds it tedious and annoying and hates the pressure to be a fun or involved aunt/cousin. I pointed out she hasn’t even met some of them and if she doesn’t come home for Christmas she won’t have seen her siblings at all in over a year. She said she was aware and wasn’t bothered. She followed up saying she would send the presents she got for DH and I up. I asked if she got her nieces and nephews any gifts and she said no.

AIBU to think DD is being incredibly rude cancelling last minute and clearly not giving the slightest crap about her siblings or their families?

We make up stockings for anyone with us on Christmas morning.

it is unlikely this is a real post. Too many hot buttons - salt of the earth working class family treated badly by child free high flying youngest daughter who has got ideas above her station. Yet salt of the earth mother makes high flying daughter sleep on the couch while hero son and his children get the spare rooms. Salt of the earth mother also values having children above all else and is clearly looking down on her youngest daughter for her life choices. It’s like a bad daytime TV chair as movie!

that said, your reaction is interesting. Would you have such a strong emotional reaction if this was a son?

I mean she should have told you earlier but I can totally see why she doesn't want to come. Why doesn't DS come to be looked after next week so she can have the double bed ? Absolutely mad, and you can't see it can you?

You left an awful lot of pertinent information out of your opening post.

So either you are indulging in a bit of creative writing or you really wanted this thread to go a particular way.

So a 5-6 hr train journey to sleep on a sofa bed in the dining room in a house with 15 children. I can completely understand why she’s changed her mind.
While her brother and his kids who live 20 mins away get 2 rooms between them? Why do they need to stay overnight at all? Can they not just drive/get a taxi home? It’s very clear where her ranking is in the family.
I’m the youngest in a big family and always demoted to the sofa so nieces/ nephews/ siblings got the bedrooms. Sleeping on a bloody couch in my 40’s while a teen got a double bed. I also stopped visiting often

OP, why are you selectively replying to posts about stockings, but not addressing the posts about your son not needing to stay at all?

But she asked in October and you blew smoke up her ass then.

No, she doesn't want to stay in a room where you're going to be in and out and getting it ready for your dinner and kids running around and expecting gifts and her attention.

Cots aren't comfortable. You know that sheesh. Try harder there.

She's telling you now. By her absence.

You're basically telling her she doesn't matter in your family and she got the message.

She's in that stage of life where friends are more exciting and important. It's a bit thoughtless of her but people are often like that in their twenties. She might come round eventually . The novelty of being with friends starts to wear off in your 30s when everyone pairs off and has families etc. So she might start to see things differently then. Or I suppose there is the possibility that she just doesntvfeel that close to any of you or that bothered. That would be a shame, but theres not a lot you can do. I suppose you could gently point out to her that she's an adult and as an adult should take respondibility for making the effort to come to you occasionally instead of you doing all the running. Tbh she is acting a bit like a spoilt teenager..

First post was better good. Sounds she she's struggling. Last minute is rude but maybe there's a back story or she not shared the reasons why..I hope you have a good Christmas op and keep communication open with dd

I don’t believe it matters how far my children live from me, they are always welcome at home.

The spare room isn’t massive and we have extra furniture in there so no space for DGC to sleep, DS’s eldest child is suspected ND so I’m sure he and his wife would rather be close by incase DGS wakes up during the night. So at the point of figuring it out it made more sense for DD and her partner to sleep downstairs, however if it had been an issue she could have communicated that.

OP, It’s disappointing that your DD isn’t coming home and opted out at very short notice but you don’t seem to be acknowledging any of the suggestions as to why your DD mightn’t want to come home. She probably didn’t realise until the weekend that there would be other guests staying over, including two children.

She probably enjoys your visits to London more because she gets to spend some quality time with you and not be overwhelmed by a steady flow of visiting children.

I think you're over-egging the pudding a bit now.

Based on need, your son doesn’t need any, he lives a few minutes down the road!
Instead you expect your daughter to travel 5 hours, not be included by not having a bedroom to sleep in, and be expected to spend a fortune on presents and a hotel!! How can she speak up and say “I don’t want the pull out bed, I want a bedroom” when you have said that you think she’s a snob/ thinks she above you? Her saying that would just give you and her siblings more to criticise her for.

I don’t believe it matters how far my children live from me, they are always welcome at home.

Except for your youngest daughter it seems.

My first reaction was avoidance due the fertility to issues or losses. When I read your anti child comments that rings even more true.
In my darkest days to guard my heart I used to act anti child whenever anyone commented that it would be my turn soon, it was the only way to shut some people up!

And you chose to prioritise him and his family staying for several days, hung around until he made a late decision, then you relegated your daughter and her partner to the dining room. You then only communicated this via the group chat.

Why wouldn't the child be with their parents...at home? 🤔

Sorry just read sofa bed not in a real room at 26 I'd be finding somewhere else too. Op would you sleep in this situation...

All the OP's replies are selective.

She is blatantly ignoring any that challenge her 'putting family first' ideas while ironically choosing to ignore all posts that support the daughter.

But there's no need for your son to stay when he lives 20 mins away!

Plus DD had already told you she'd like to stay in a hotel if there wasn't room and you ignored it. Why would she speak up in the group chat if you couldn't be bothered to tell her personally that she was being relegated to the dining room in favour of a sibling who lives close by?

Why? So she could get a lecture about how much more her brother needed it? Would you have offered to pay for the hotel? Or was paying for a last minute room, for visit that was primarily for your benefit, something you expected her to suck up alongside the presents for eight children?

Far simpler, and better, for her just to pull out and do something for Christmas that she’d actually enjoy.

Well you sound delightful.

being the only person to have attended uni, likely the only one to have moved away from home to London! Wow. The resentment she must face is screaming out of your post.

i have only read some of your replies but you sound like a narcissist controlling mother who probably allows your other children and family to belittle her and pass it off as “joking” or banter.

no wonder she has decided not to get on the train. It would have been a hard decision for her and it’s very sad knowing your family are resentful of your education / job & life choices.

focus on the family you have coming and leave your daughter in peace instead of your goading on some ridiculous family chat to make her feel even more $hit.

Honestly, @calypsolypso do you not see that putting your daughter into the dining room, which isn't going to be private as people won't suddenly go 'oh that's Big shot DD lawyer's room' for a week, people will still be going in and out of there, because your son who lives down the road is staying for the week too, gets the proper spare room and his kids get the other room. The time to say 'well you'll likely be on the pullout in the dining room ' was back in October. Then she could have booked a hotel.
Your son is the golden child because he's The Son. He's taking advantage of your good nature by moving back home for the week.
All you've done is make it clear that your daughter doesn't fit in and isn't part of your close family. No wonder she changed her mind.

Sounds like she lives in a different world to you all and doesn’t enjoy leaving it or being immersed in family life. This might change as she gets older, or it might not. There is probably not much else to it though.

It was wrong of her to cancel on you so late but also probably for the best that she does her own thing. If you are visiting her three times a year I think that’s pretty regular/normal for a busy young professional, and enough contact to maintain a relationship.

Perhaps it’s best not to expect anything of her in the future. At least she has built a meaningful independent life for herself, and it is very possible that her attitude towards family will evolve.

This is completely batshit. Child who would be doing a 12hr round trip doesn’t “need” a bedroom, but golden baws who lives 20 minutes away from their own actual home is the highest need and gets 2 bedrooms upstairs away from their own actual chaos?

Hilarious. Poor DD, no wonder she doesn’t want to come and bring her boyfriend. That is shitty hospitality. It’s probably obvious to her where the family priorities lie, DS having a 20 minute drive over her doing a 12 hour train round trip. Fuck sake.