DD has cancelled on attending Christmas for the 2nd time in 3 years last minute

[calypsolypso]

DD is 26, she is our youngest child and the youngest grandchild on both sides, all her siblings and cousins are now married with children. She is in a long term relationship but has made it clear she views children are something very distant, I think this is normal for a 26 year old professional in London.

Last year she spend Christmas with her boyfriend’s family, the year before she was meant to visit us but decided last minute not to. She hasn’t met 2 of our grandchildren one of whom is now almost 2, she hasn’t met most of her cousins children.

Typically we host on Christmas Day for my family then go to my DHs parents on Boxing Day with all of his family. DD told us she and her boyfriend would be joining us this year. I have made up stockings for them, ensured we have their favourite drinks and snacks in and I have been very looking forward to having everyone together. Today (bearing in mind they were meant to be getting the train this afternoon) DD messaged me saying she’s had a last minute change of heart and they are going to do Christmas with friends at home. I asked why and she sent a text rant more or less about how she doesn’t enjoy being around lots of children, finds it tedious and annoying and hates the pressure to be a fun or involved aunt/cousin. I pointed out she hasn’t even met some of them and if she doesn’t come home for Christmas she won’t have seen her siblings at all in over a year. She said she was aware and wasn’t bothered. She followed up saying she would send the presents she got for DH and I up. I asked if she got her nieces and nephews any gifts and she said no.

AIBU to think DD is being incredibly rude cancelling last minute and clearly not giving the slightest crap about her siblings or their families?

This

My first thought was that this is unreasonable, but then actually have pondered it and I wonder if there’s something else going on that you might not be aware of.
Does she have any mental health problems or her boyfriend? I was caring for my now ex-husband for many years without letting my family know what’s going on because he had asked me not to tell them.
Or is there a possibility that she could be Neurodivergent and has realised what her limits are in terms of social battery?
Or on the other side of things has she turned into a total coke head and it’s having the time of her life with her friends??! that’s what I was like at that age and was probably a bit of a trendy dickhead.. it did pass and I’m quite normal now 🤪

I'm a generation before this young woman, and it's nothing to do with age.

Christmas is a Christian festival, grafted onto an old pagan one. There are no rules about having to see one's family.

What does it say about society that - in 2025! - so many posters on here describe a hard-working and (obviously) highly intelligent young woman as being ‘selfish’ for prioritising her own time, happiness and peace of mind over being an unwanted, unnoticed, disrespected extra in a family drama?

Why is it ‘selfish’ for a woman to want to spend her precious free time amongst friends, relaxing, contented?

Why is OP’s daughter seen as being a resource for her family to use/exploit, such that if she withholds that resource, she is ‘selfish’?

It strikes me - at least from what is said here- that the OP likes the idea (the status?) of having a herd of children and grandchildren thronging around, much more than she actually likes the individual children.

What a sad situation this young woman has found herself in.

She's not shocked. You've reinforced you see her as unimportant and a low priority. She knows that. She's known it all her life. She is trying desperately to be seen and acknowledged by you. Good grades, good career, always overshadowed by the achievements of someone else - you said as much up thread. To you her hard worked for career is the same as a part time TA.

You'll probably be like my mum. Her wonderful 60th birthday speech, with everyone we know, waxed lyrical about my sister, her husband and their kids. Me? K123 has her animals. Yep, sum total of my life as far as she was concerned. Humiliating doesn't even start to describe it.

People are different 🤷‍♀️ my parents loved having the grandchildren stay when they were little. We could then also put them to bed and play a few games, have a few drinks etc and meant we didnt have to wake the kids up to go home. It was lovely. If we had wanted our own bed we wouldnt have done it.

Are you struggling to comprehend that the son lives 20 minutes away and decided 2 weeks ago he would be coming for Christmas? And the daughter said in October she was coming and will be travelling 5-6 hrs by train ? And he gets 2 bedrooms for his use and she’s on a pullout bed with her 6ft 2 partner on the dining room floor?

No, I don’t but it seems petty to only put the information somewhere she knows her daughter is unlikely to see it.

Relationships go both ways and I certainly wouldn’t be making the effort to go on a 12 hour round trip to see someone who can’t be bothered to call me or message me directly

I wonder did that sibling send congratulatory messages to her sister when she got her A Levels, graduated from Uni, got a graduate training position with a law firm, passed her exams, was retained by the firm, etc, etc ??

Its selfish to cancel last minute. Not selfish to say no in the first place.

But if you doing that meant your sibling who lived 6 hours away was relegated to a sofa bed, would you still do that?

I'm a similar age as your DD OP and also live in London and I'm definitely seen as the 'cool rich one' (I'm not but people hear London and assume you're rich) and I do love going home for Christmas but it's tough.

I'm also in a child heavy family and people do just assume you'll come with stuff for the kids and constantly interact with the kids. It's usually followed up with questions of when are you going to meet someone/have kids/marry etc it's extremely draining and it is difficult going from London back to your small town.

I think there's something to ponder about how to make her feel more included.

We don’t know you OP and it’s blatantly obvious that you value your children that have given you grandchildren more than you value your daughter who hasn’t

If it’s clear that is the case on an anonymous forum it must be obvious to your daughter. Maybe she intended to come and put up with feeling like the outsider but as it got closer she realised that her Christmas will be better when she is looking after herself

This is really shitty of her and weird. Have you asked her if everything is ok? Is anything going on?

I think OP just doesn't want to get it. She's ignoring plenty of reasonable replies and responding only to people who validate her decisions.

I have zero interest in my cousins' children. I have a bit more interest in my sibling's children, but definitely don't want them forced on me for three days in a row.

I suspect the daughter has anxiety about telling this to OP, for fear of being shamed and undermined. Therefore it's easier just to cancel and not say this. Understandable, given that OP clearly has strong views about her daughter.

Not even having met her niece/nephew who is almost 2 is just rude. But a lot of people that age don’t seem to have has much time for family any more. When I was younger in the 80s and 90s aunties and uncles always got Christmas presents for the kids.

I've read this thread slowly and carefully.

This post after others have patiently and explicitly explained why there is a problem with GoldenBalls staying and getting two rooms and you only telling her at the last minute in a group chat that she's on the pull out is problematic because GoldenBalls has decided to grace you all with his presence just highlights you aren't listening and don't want to listen.

He doesn't need to stay. In fact it's bloody ridiculous he's staying if this means you have to shunt your daughter off not having a proper bed. Sofa beds are fucking terrible to sleep on. Mainly because they are tiny and you usually don't sleep on them. Never mind the privacy issue.

And you just aren't willing to see this, even though it's been spelt out because you don't want to admit what you are doing is problematic.

Not only that but he's staying the entire sodding week. So she has to stay in a madhouse where the kids dominate - noting the ND kid as part of that - and she just had to fit in and she has to play happy families. Cousins and cousins children like wtf. It's be had enough with four siblings and kids.

If she stays at a hotel SHE might be 20 mins away. That's the ridiculousness of it.

As for the presents. That's not for you to judge. Saying she should give us really rather grabby tbh. She's got no relationship with these kids and clearly doesn't particularly want one. Eight is A LOT. Like no. She's a different generation and isn't on the same page as having kids. She's likely either to never have any or have them 15-20 years after her siblings.

This family stuff - That's not her life. You can't force it. She's uncomfortable with it. Shes not interested in it. Accept her for who she is.

She's panicked and bailed at the last minute - the thought of it all must have been too much. It sounds claustrophobic and closed - she's outside of that and isn't being made to feel welcome. She's getting shunted about because GoldenBalls and his children are the centre of the known universe.

Therefore she won't get to see you not have quality time with you. It's just a circus not having conversations.

You think this is ok and something she should like or put up with. She doesn't have to and she doesn't want to. Start understanding she doesn't want to do the big family stuff.

She wanted to but OP said there would be room - but OP didn't tell her that she would be in the dining room at all - apparently she should have psychically divined it when her very important brother decided to stay 2 weeks ago.

It really isnt

With kindness, it seems as though she may be a bit embarrassed of her previous life. Working in the city, she has probably tried to reinvent herself and coming back home reminds her of her less glamorous roots, especially if she feels her siblings have 'settled' and are not as ambitious as she is. Give her time, she is still young and hopefully in the future she'll realise you can spread your wings and still have a loving family to go back to

This is just not true. All she wants at this age is to be with bf and friends who are all on the same page and want to have fun. That’s all, nothing deeper. She will come round in a decade or so 😂. My single dd mid 40’s still prefers Christmas with friends. She lives 5 hours drive away. We live in the country with not even a bus route. ‘Town’ is 2 miles but still it is walk, drive or taxi everywhere. Plus this was her ‘home town’ and she has no further interest in it. By not pressurising her to come ‘home’ she makes sure to FaceTime/WhatsApp several times a week. We drive to visit her a few times a year. Fair enough, she works full time, we are retired,

We call those gimmepigs.

Just because someone earns more than you doesn't entitled you to dig into their pockets for gifts.

This. With bells on.

Having read your updates I’ve changed my mind and think it’s really shitty to give your son 2 rooms to use and make her and her partner sleep on the bloody floor with no space! We aren’t going to my in laws this year for the same reasons, would rather have Christmas in our house doing what we want to do and sleeping in our comfy beds and with our own kids not having to pander to family children we have that can be bratty.

👍👍👍