DD has cancelled on attending Christmas for the 2nd time in 3 years last minute

[calypsolypso]

DD is 26, she is our youngest child and the youngest grandchild on both sides, all her siblings and cousins are now married with children. She is in a long term relationship but has made it clear she views children are something very distant, I think this is normal for a 26 year old professional in London.

Last year she spend Christmas with her boyfriend’s family, the year before she was meant to visit us but decided last minute not to. She hasn’t met 2 of our grandchildren one of whom is now almost 2, she hasn’t met most of her cousins children.

Typically we host on Christmas Day for my family then go to my DHs parents on Boxing Day with all of his family. DD told us she and her boyfriend would be joining us this year. I have made up stockings for them, ensured we have their favourite drinks and snacks in and I have been very looking forward to having everyone together. Today (bearing in mind they were meant to be getting the train this afternoon) DD messaged me saying she’s had a last minute change of heart and they are going to do Christmas with friends at home. I asked why and she sent a text rant more or less about how she doesn’t enjoy being around lots of children, finds it tedious and annoying and hates the pressure to be a fun or involved aunt/cousin. I pointed out she hasn’t even met some of them and if she doesn’t come home for Christmas she won’t have seen her siblings at all in over a year. She said she was aware and wasn’t bothered. She followed up saying she would send the presents she got for DH and I up. I asked if she got her nieces and nephews any gifts and she said no.

AIBU to think DD is being incredibly rude cancelling last minute and clearly not giving the slightest crap about her siblings or their families?

I don’t believe it matters how far my children live from me, they are always welcome at home.

You make it plain your daughter isn't welcome. You don't like that she left and you play favorites with your kids to make it clear where her place is and it's not welcome in your home so you can cut the crap.

Why on earth would she want to be with people who treat her so shittily?
prioritising a son who lives 20 mins away?! Honestly?

She’s 26 and fairly junior in a very demanding career. I doubt having children is even on her radar.

Plenty of women are just simply disinterested in children.

Let me guess. DS is the only male child therefore the golden boy. Am I right?

Hear hear, OP. This bedroom malarky is a red herring. A room with a door that closes and a pull out double bed is perfectly acceptable for a young couple to sleep in for a few nights. Of course you shouldn't have to give up your own bed!

The late cancellation is shitty. But she definitely shouldn't be in any way obliged to have a relationship with her cousins children.

Hits the nail on the head.

Every update reveals more of the disdain OP feels for her DD. No wonder she's pretty much gone LC.

from your updates OP, I’m absolutely not surprised your dd doesn’t want to spend Christmas with you! You’ve gone out of your way to show her how little she matters within your family and how much you favour your golden child son (who lives virtually down the road!)
Don't treat her like the black sheep that is unwelcome and then act surprised when she pulls away and bitch about her to rest of your family on a toxic passive aggressive WhatsApp group. What bizzare behaviour

I would message her back and say how about if I book you a hotel?
That would get rid of the dining room issue and if it’s all about the kids then would also mean they get time on their own.

If she says no to that then that’s pretty rude and sounds very immature for cancelling so late.

With a wife who has chronic illness and a ND child…most people would see that as reason enough to stay in their own home!!

She sounds a bit of a cow actually, YANBU. No doubt the replies will all be full of excuses for her behaviour.

…As the youngest she almost always got hand me downs, a lot of her big life events were overshadowed by an older siblings/cousins “bigger” life event…

I’m guessing her big life events were academic or sporting achievements and were over-shadowed by siblings/cousins engagements, weddings and the arrival of new babies.

You're winding us up now. This post is clearly rage bait it's obvious.

Gosh what an awful way to treat your child because she has no children so it's always last and handle downs. I amsurprised she has not yet gone No contact with you she should if you don't change, your disdain and treatment of her must be hard for her.

It’s hard to take care of someone who never visits 🙄🙄

Have you even read the thread? Or are you just hellbent on trying to make OP feel like a crap mum?

She has 2 spare bedrooms and a dining room. Of course the kids should get a room, and as one of them is 2yrs old, of course they should be located near their parent.

Stop being obtuse (to put it kindly).

But she didn’t get a chance to tell you she had a problem with being moved to the dining room because you never actually told her it was happening??

Yeah I thought this too, I hope it’s all bullshit tbh!

Your daughter is different. She doesn’t have children. Doesn’t live near home. Has gone to university and lives in London “away” from home.

I am not sure if you are that self aware, but there are lots of things in your post which make it clear you value the choices your other children have made to continue life in the same vein as yours. This is natural and not something I am being accusing of. But if I, a stranger, have picked this up from 10 written posts then maybe 6 days of being at home in a very small children centred environment, with very poor quality conversation as a result with constant interruptions, and a sense that she was not as good at the rest of them, or that you felt the need to make it clear you do not value the things about her which make her different without giving an excuse for why it is a good thing to work term time only. Then I am not surprised she is staying home in London with other single people.

Expecting her to buy 8 presents and show an interest in small children to make you feel your family is harmonious is pushing her away. She is different and her lifestyle is different. You need to accept this and make space for her to need different things and not insist on her playing the aunt role you’ve carved out for her. I would feel completely stifled in her shoes by these expectations. If she works hard at work then she probably just wants a quiet day off and some wine.

I’m not sure why people have such an issue with DS coming to stay. DD knows DS often stays over Christmas so she can’t have been too shocked that he was this year and like I said it’s fine if that was her issue but then she could have expressed as much rather than cancelling last minute!

@Bearybasket it was on the family WhatsApp group, that the daughter doesn’t bother to engage with!

Do you spoon feed 26yr olds?

She could have told us today, we’d have swapped her with DS or offered a hotel whichever she would rather.

It sounds like she's maybe not a family person, my mum isn't either and is always bitching about her family .

Maybe when she's older and has kids she will visit more often or she may just live her own life and you will rarely see her. I would still try to include her but don't get your hopes up that she will make much effort..

I’d be pissed off and I’d tell her so. Are you able to tell her how you feel without her kicking off? Also how do her siblings feel about her distant behaviour? It seems really odd

It sounds like you just don't have the kind of mother-daughter relationship where she feels she can be open and honest with you.

Maybe just one year she might've liked for you to put her before her brother?

I am very sure she WAS NOT shocked. It is entirely in keeping with how you have treated them thus far.

I hope she has a fantastic Christmas with people who value her for the interesting person she is. I'm proud of her and I don't even know her.