To not let children have Xmas lunch with grandparents when parents are divorcing

[Iris10000]

Just that really. We are getting divorced, which is DH decision. He needs more time to himself and for his job so in essence is asking to be a Saturday dad with one additional school pick up and drop off. He is very very close to his parents and wants to take kids (10 months and 4 years) to his parents for Xmas lunch for few hours. I will stay at home on my own. My relationship with his parents broken down after they barged into our house and said they always had a problem with me and what a bad person I am. I said he can go there for couple of hours but I would like to have lunch here with them. I am beyond angry and he doesn’t want any to change his plans.

I'd tell my solicitor if i am doing 85% of the childcare the starting point for high-days and holidays needs to be 85% too

Grrrr. Fuck that bollocks!!! He’s a total arsehole.

Do not give into his bullying demands.

Stand firm OP and tell him he’s welcome to go to his parents on Christmas Day but the kids are staying with you ALL DAY.

He can take them round on Saturday instead.

Not his day, fuck that.

What a horrible man, I don't know how you can tolerate still living with him. I think the children should be able to have lunch with you, as the parent responsible for almost all the care especially a little baby. He can visit his parents for a couple of hours after lunch.

No it’s not. She’ll likely be cooking for her and the children. I was simply emphasising that OP should make it crystal clear she won’t be cooking for him despite any communal meal she makes for her and the children 🙄

He banned me from cooking early lunch
Ha ha, nice one OP's shit DH.
How on earth does he think he can 'ban' you from making lunch for your child?

He can't ban you from cooking christmas lunch for your children in your house that you pay the majority for and the bills.
Can you invite a family member or friend over so it's not just you and him with the children?
He can fuck off to his mummy and daddy's house for lunch and take them for a few hours boxing day.

This reminds me of when I split with my ex the first time.
He hadn't time for the kids really but cried on the phone and asked if he could come over early on Christmas Day (without his new love) and see them and their presents.
I said yes as long he had gone before my Mum dad brother and Aunt all arrived as I was making their Christmas lunch.
He came and went as planned, kids didn't seem that bothered and we had a lovely day.
Foolishly I agreed that we'd get back together after that , as he begged and promised it would work,,but It didn't work so we split for good.
Stick to your plans I would advise, it's less confusing for the kids.

More context is needed really, its about what is right for the children, not how upset you are or how angry you are or how much of a bad husband he has been to you in essence.

You'll need to consider if that is a vaulable contact for them to have on xmas day or whether it would be more meaningful next year, whether you can share the day and how to manage that

Depends what time their lunch is, when does your younger one have his nap etc etc

The predictable hostile and combative replies on here are not helpful and wont get you anywhere with a family court, nor will it help your kids get through their parents splitting up.
Xmas day, birthdays, holidays etc, will all need to be managed like this by making compromises for both of you.

You’re not being unreasonable given this is fairly fresh divorce process. You have not had any real chance to make other plans for yourself for Christmas Day. He should be able to have them Boxing Day.

you do know that going forward, though, what will be reasonable is to swap each year for Christmas. So next year, your ex would have the kids for Christmas Day, and you have them Boxing Day.

Well no one can stop you cooking in your own house!!

However this context is important, is the 4 year old expecting to see them xmas day or not really aware enough about plans?

Is there a compromise on time to be had, can his parents do a late afternoon lunch? Children dont eat that much in one sitting anyway

I get that you dont get on with the parents and they have acted badly before but is it possible to go to theirs with the kids?

Tell him no that it is too late to change plans for Christmas Day. You can consider what to do for future Christmases later but for this one I don’t see why you have to change your plans.

As for banning you cooking in your home tell him no. You cook the meals you want at the time you want and if he doesn’t like it the door is not locked. It’s hard if you are the sort of the person who avoids conflict and you have generally been catering for him for years but you need to change you mindset and look after you now. That doesn’t mean you have to be difficult or start any rows it just means putting yourself first for a change. Do what you would do if he wasn’t there and if he objects calmly remind him he can leave.

I would tell him the first Christmas after the split they are with you all day. You can agree what to do next year, next year but you expect to have the children all day every Christmas, his parents can see them Boxing Day

I think there are lots of women on here that wish they had been less flexible with their demanding asshole ex. If it’s ok for him to do him then you do you.

The problem here is that they havent really split, from the kids perspective nothing has changed.
Next year would be different yes.

I see your point and my anger stems not from the fact that something is done to me. It’s about soon to be ex in laws always saying they have a right to see their grandkids. I am worried 4 year old will be upset having lunch with them when I am not there. She will be asking questions and their response might not be something she can cope with. In terms of childcare arrangements after divorce we agreed his Saturdays and one school pick up and drop off to/from my house and this will go to solicitors as agreed. He doesn’t want anymore child contact and there will be no court battle.

What a selfish wanker he is, he's their dad not a fun uncle that comes along and takes them out for the day now and again, all the fun & none of the work or stress,thoughtless lazy prick!
Say no this year & he can't ban you from cooking FFS! He's self centred and he no longer gets to dictate to you. Let him stay for dinner with you and the kids or go to his parents alone.You can renegotiate terms for next year when you see how things are going re his commitment to them in the coming months

He's not the boss of you.

Prepare your meal for you and your children and eat .Tell him he's not invited; he can eat at his parents, but you're having lovely xmas meal with your children who you do the heavy lifting for day in and day out while he makes plans to piss off and be a Disney dad. Wanker.

Say that he can have them from 12 noon. Don't tell him, but you can eat a nice lunch with them at 11:30 then you can have a nap while he has them for a few hours. It doesn't matter if they aren't hungry for more Christmas food at Grandma's, they will need naps anyway.

Not easy OP and I give my advice out of experience but it doesnt mean I dont understand the emotions and how hard it is

Regarding court, my strong advice is that you really do need CAOs which set agreements out now, save yourself grief in the long run.

OP, he's an arse if he's leaving you with such young children. It might not feel like it now but you're well shot of him (and your in-laws by the sound of it!) but obviously he's still their dad and you'll have to try and keep things as cooperative as possible for the sake of your children.

Having said that, what arrangement do you think your children would most like/benefit from this Christmas? It'll be miserable for them to become your ex's chess pieces/trophy kids for special days. I'm thinking that especially in the case of your baby, having a 10 month old away from its mum for more than an hour or two would be cruel to the baby (not to mention to you). I would bet the farm that the in-laws want the baby photos and brag rights this Christmas but it's not putting the child's interests first.

It's not your children's fault that he wants to divorce you - they have to be shielded from as much of the fall-out as possible. He needs to see this.

So he's ending the marriage and now thinks it's okay to leave you alone on Xmas Day while he whisks your small DC to eat with the parents who stormed into your house to abuse you?

Sod that. To echo everyone else, he wants the kids Saturday and Xmas Day is a Thursday. They have lunch at home with you and he can take them to his parents on Boxing Day.

I can't believe all the posters suggesting that it might be in the best interest of the children to go to his parents and that you should therefore "compromise". Your children are really young. I'm sure they'd rather spend Christmas at your house if you're there. They clearly have a closer relationship with you. Insisting they have lunch with his parents is for his and his parents' benefit, not for your children's benefit.

His parents sound volatile, not people who can necessarily be trusted with children.

The children would only be going if I was attending, is that possible? If not then children stay at home this Christmas, next year can be sorted out during the divorce.

What do you want OP?

Do you want to spend the morning all together, then have lunch with him and the kids and then him take them afterwards?

Or would you want the lunch just you and the kids and then drop the kids off afterwards to you in-laws?

I think you need to set a realistic goal moving forward.
You’re not going to spend Xmas together next year and it will get harder as the kids get older and so even though it’s a big step, I personally would start making changes this year.