To not let children have Xmas lunch with grandparents when parents are divorcing

[Iris10000]

Just that really. We are getting divorced, which is DH decision. He needs more time to himself and for his job so in essence is asking to be a Saturday dad with one additional school pick up and drop off. He is very very close to his parents and wants to take kids (10 months and 4 years) to his parents for Xmas lunch for few hours. I will stay at home on my own. My relationship with his parents broken down after they barged into our house and said they always had a problem with me and what a bad person I am. I said he can go there for couple of hours but I would like to have lunch here with them. I am beyond angry and he doesn’t want any to change his plans.

Sounds to me like he wants everything his way and is using the kids as a weapon. Stick to your guns, it may mean you have to be extremely strong and take him to court so as everything is legally bound.

I actually disagree with this. My children want to see us both Christmas day, so one has Christmas Eve/Christmas morning and the other Christmas dinner, Christmas night. They like it that way and it works for me and ex too. I would hate to have to alternate! (which will probably be happening fairly soon as two have partners).

Given the circumstances OP I would not allow Christmas lunch. Your children are young so won't give a second thought to who they are having Christmas lunch with, but why should you miss out because of ex and his parents actions? The fact they all would quite happily see you eating alone says it all.

Next year you can make plans (in advance) between yourselves.

Why not let them go it will give you some you time and give them some time with the kids I think it's fair just because you are divorcing doesn't mean the kids should suffer think about them and their needs not yours or your ex's.

Because we haven’t split up yet. The kids don’t know about the split plans yet and 4 year old will be confused that mum is not having Xmas meal with the rest of the family and potentially send a message that her dad and his parents are family that matters and mum can be on her own. And it’s first Xmas for the baby, imho it’s cruel to take baby away from mum on such a special day. Baby is very attached to me, I am still on mat leave, no nursery yet.

What a tough situation to be in OP. 💐 What is currently the plan for Christmas? Has he adapted at all or are you still in conflict over it?

Hoping for a quick divorce for you. You deserve to be free of this drama.

Put lots of laxatives in something for him tomorrow. He will be on the toilet for a while and not feeling great christmas day so youll all have to stay home...

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Good luck!

OP, how exactly is he going to stop you from cooking early? And the 4 year old may want to go for more presents but not til after dinner. (Start traditions how you want them now!) And if you like, have some more presents for when they get back? Make it as fun as possible with you! You are doing all the work anyway! :)

You need to put your foot down. So far he’s dictating everything. When he stays, what day he has the kids , what Xmas looks like. If you do not put a stand now, you’ll find he will drag you down for the next 17 years.

It’s clear he doesn’t want custody full time. So he’s not going to fight you long term.

Id buy a ready meal roast for each of you and serve it at 11am before I let him dictate the day. He can take the kids for dinner to his parents.

Tell him he’s going to have to physically take the kids from you, and in which case you’ll call the police for assault. Sometimes with men like this, you’ve got to play them at their own game.

The only thing I would suggest (and I know it is very early days for you) is don’t get into the one up man ship thing that lots of separated parents do. Ex gets an expensive present for dc so other parent gets an even better present…parent takes them on holiday so other parent would take on better/more expensive holiday. That is what your ex is already starting to do by saying he will bribe your 4yr old with extra presents to go with him on Christmas Day. You do not want to be party to this behaviour because they turn out like spoiled brats.
Consider and do what you would think is normal and regular for your dc always keeping their best interests at heart and protecting yourself also.

it is ok to say that this year due to all the revelations you want your dc at home (ex is welcome to join if you are comfortable with that) but do not make any promises for what happens in the future. Acknowledge the email and say you will be in touch once you have had legal advice.

Remember, mentally he is way ahead of you in this process - he will he thought all this through many times - now give yourself time to catch up. And like a pp said do not put anything in writing that he can you use against you down the line. Be neutral at all times.

💪🏼You’ve got this

No fucker would be taking my 10 month old baby away from me. Tell him it's not happening.
Your kids will be staying with you for lunch, he can have them later on in the day for a short visit at the most.

So, basically he wants a child-free life, until it suits him to wheel them out for his parents at Christmas (& presumably any other family occasion of his choosing!) What a selfish prick!
Honestly, the older I get, the more disappointed with men I become.
I’ve got 3 children & for the majority of their lives (due to my husband’s job) I brought them up pretty much by myself…so trust me, there were many, MANY times, I’d like to have been a 1-day-a-week mum…but it never seems to work like that for women-in fact, could you even IMAGINE a woman saying that to her partner?!?!
I’m sorry your partner is such a selfish twat, OP. No advice for you, but I’m sighing in disappointed rage for you!

People typically leave in the end but not at this phase of the game. Basically it is thought doing so can weaken your negotiating position, create financial strain (paying for two homes), affect child custody arrangements and delay settlement. In my situation it focused my ex husband on buying me out of the house -l didn’t care if he bought me out or if we sold it. Problem is he thought l should walk away with the clothes on my back and nothing else so didn’t want to give me anything at all. However, legally l was entitled to way more due to the length of our relationship and what l had put into the house e.g. mortgage payments, DIY, work done on the house, furniture etc

He wants to exclude you for a large part of Christmas, how would he feel if he was excluded from Christmas morning? He needs to understand that he is not being prevented from enjoying Christmas with his children, so it is unreasonable to expect you to be. Suggest he goes to his parents house on Christmas Eve night and returns to collect the children at noon on Christmas day

obviously that would be no good for the kids, more confusing, etc. but might get it through his thick skull that that’s essentially what he’s asking of you, though probably not as he sounds completely self absorbed.

my child would not have tolerated being away from me for more than an hour or so at 10 months, now three and a half and still wouldn’t be happy if it was a day they expected to spend with me.

Then you have a good reason to say no, don't you.

The baby is too young to be away from you for an extended period too - 2 hours in the afternoon (after lunch) is ideal.

Stick to your guns op! Good luck 👍

But wouldn't the amount you are entitled to be the same regardless of whether you stay in the house?

I really think you need to contact domestic abuse charities for support.

I had a difficult divorce from a man who no sooner had you arranged something than he changed it. Basically in the end we had alternate Christmas’s with the children. When they went away I would arrange to go away or go some where else, don’t spend it on your own but I couldn’t face family Christmas with other children. When they came back on the years they weren’t with me we had an alternative Christmas special meal never turkey but they chose. They could each invite a friend. They would lay the table and make it look nice with things like crackers and decorations. It’s not the same as Christmas but you can find your own way to have a good time

It sounds like you need some support. How did Christmas day work out? Start playing hardball via your solicitor. As his parents have already turned on you, treat them with caution.

Say no you’re a huge cunt and can have them the day I chose. Then hope his nuts get trapped in the freezer

The children should be put first. If it’s in their interest to see their grandparents on Christmas Day then that’s how it should be.

Are you bonkers? Why should she take the 24th? How about he does the 24th since he is barely parenting and wants saturdays anyway.

Why would it be in their best interests to be with their grandparents on Christmas day rather than their mother though?

If you haven’t already I would document everything with regards to the children. Times/ dates/ demands/ refusals. Diarise everything. You might need it at some point.

Ah yes, what 4 year old and 10 month old would prefer to be with their actual mum on Christmas Day? Very important for them to spend it with their grandparents and with their dad, who has decided to only see them on Saturdays going forwards. Are you hard-of-understanding?