To not let children have Xmas lunch with grandparents when parents are divorcing

[Iris10000]

Just that really. We are getting divorced, which is DH decision. He needs more time to himself and for his job so in essence is asking to be a Saturday dad with one additional school pick up and drop off. He is very very close to his parents and wants to take kids (10 months and 4 years) to his parents for Xmas lunch for few hours. I will stay at home on my own. My relationship with his parents broken down after they barged into our house and said they always had a problem with me and what a bad person I am. I said he can go there for couple of hours but I would like to have lunch here with them. I am beyond angry and he doesn’t want any to change his plans.

He wants a couple of hours for lunch. She doesn’t have to agree to that this year (I wouldn’t) but a 10 month old is perfectly able to be away from its mother for a couple of hours, and will soon be doing so either by agreement or via a court order. The OP would be better off establishing a new status quo on whatever basis she prefers (alternating/shared Christmas), since status quo is taken into account by family judges.

We are still married, still living together. He has started the divorce talk when baby was 6 months. He was just always too busy with work to apply for a divorce until recently.

They are very young and unless you are religious the actual date doesn't matter. I would move my christmas to the 24th and have a lovely day with them then wave them off on the 25th and relax.
Then in the new year get a schedule set up for special dates.

Tell him the children stay with you on Christmas Day and he can go to his parents or not - it's unimportant to you but you won't be cooking for him regardless.

Going forward you alternate or divide in the middle.

Have you bought all the food for Xmas lunch?

Do you and his parents eat at similar times?

It makes sense for him to take the kids with him whilst he goes for Xmas lunch but that doesn’t mean they can’t have lunch with you too, just do a smaller portion.

Else it means him going for lunch and then coming back and taking the kids and I think that would be more faff.

Just have yours much earlier or later than the in-laws.

If he’s still living at home I don’t understand why you can’t have Christmas Day together in the family home, young children need routine. He could take them to his parents on Boxing Day.
Im sorry that you’re in this awful position but in the long run you’ll be much happier.

Should be fair though, shouldn't it? He wants ten percent of the parenting time, stands to reason that he should get one out of every ten Christmases.

Pure logic. To be really kind you could not make him wait nine years l, if feeling generous 😁

Exactly this. I appreciate it’s a rubbish situation for the parents, but so much worse for the kids.

Tell him to fuck off. It is 2 days before Xmas and you have planned to be with your DC. Moving forward child arrangements can be sorted but he is too late this year.

What a weird sexist assumption that she would cook for him! I’m amazed she is even speaking to the selfish prick.

Exactly. When people talk about acrimony that usually is only avoided if the woman does most of the bending. 10% of childcare LMFAO the brass neck on him and those saying keep the peace seems he isn't thinking about peace so fuck him.

just say no🤷‍♀️

That’s exactly what I planned to do. As far as family life goes we pretend all is fine in front of the kids and I cook anyway. The issue is that we used to go to his parents for Xmas lunch in the past so he wants to keep that tradition even if this means I will be on my own. He banned me from cooking early lunch as 4 year old won’t eat at his parents if she eats at home. That leaves me with lonely Xmas day set up by a man who decided to divorce me but still wants to have all nice moments with his parents.

Oh jesus, that's even worse. No, he needs to leave. This is too hard on you, is it not?

Fuck that - why should the OP do 6/7 days a week until Christmas and then all of a sudden he wants to do an extra day!

This year in particular OP - tell him and his judgemental parents to enjoy their meal whilst you start as you mean to go on with your children!

Sorry, how can he ban you doing anything?

Why not have the morning together and then he goes to his parents for lunch - either with the kids and then drops them back or without the kids and comes back for them later on.

It just depends on whether you want to do the cooking and you’ve already bought all the stuff for it etc or if you’d rather they ate at his parents so you didn’t have that stress.

You sort of need to start as you mean to go on as next year you will not be spending it in the same house.

The fairest solution is for 1 year to have lunch with their dad and the next year to have it with their mum and split Xmas day down the middle.

Depending on which one you do this year, will depend on whether you’ve bought all the food etc.

say fine, pick them up at midday Christmas Day and bring them back midday Boxing Day, you can then just chill out, if he wants to parent he needs to do bedtime as well

Since your ex wants to spend much less time with the children, I would start by keeping them yourself for three days over Christmas. Christmas isn't a Saturday, sorry. You don't want him to think he does fuck all with them, but gets them on all the key family days. Don't even let him think that this is the way forward.

This. And do your Christmas Day on Boxing Day! I would pay £200-£300 court fee to go to court and get everything in writing though about days because once he realises you will get a fair whack in child maintenance if he only does 1obernight per week he might change him mind. Get Christmas and everything agreed in a court order.

He doesn’t mind child maintenance, he wants to be left child free during the week. His parents will help him financially. He has already calculated how much he will pay

I've read your other thread OP. He is abusive to you and so are his parents. You are paying over 60% of the mortgage and bills as you earn more than him but he needs more time for his job?

You bend over backwards not to upset or provoke him but it doesn't make him treat you any better. He and his parents do not just get to have your children on Christmas Day while you stay home alone when you are the parent that does all the parenting. He is an abusive husband, a shit father and a shit breadwinner. You run rings around him in every way so you need to be braver.

I would say 2 hours later in the afternoon after you guys have eaten. Only because it’s nice for the kids. Then starting next year an alternating Xmas routine

Hell would freeze over before I agreed to this. You do the hard work through the year, you get to spend Christmas Day with your children.

My dad had a similar arrangement in terms of how often he had us. He had the good sense never to ask for us to spend Christmas Day with him though. My mum got the lovely Christmas Day she had earned from doing the majority of the grunt work all year, and we got a second Christmas on Boxing Day.

I think you need to start divorce proceedings if he doesnt!!!