To not let children have Xmas lunch with grandparents when parents are divorcing

[Iris10000]

Just that really. We are getting divorced, which is DH decision. He needs more time to himself and for his job so in essence is asking to be a Saturday dad with one additional school pick up and drop off. He is very very close to his parents and wants to take kids (10 months and 4 years) to his parents for Xmas lunch for few hours. I will stay at home on my own. My relationship with his parents broken down after they barged into our house and said they always had a problem with me and what a bad person I am. I said he can go there for couple of hours but I would like to have lunch here with them. I am beyond angry and he doesn’t want any to change his plans.

Sorry he wants to be child free during the week?!? I assume you mean from the children he chose to have. He sounds like a complete and utter w*er (as do his parents) Sounds like you should be well rid!!

Dude sounds like an utter asshole. He does NOT have the same right to be with the babies he is choosing to leave than you do! If he can't see that bribing the children away from their mother on the baby's first christmas is wrong there is no hope for him, he's a moral vacuum.

If he's already throwing his weight around saying he will take the kids whatever it is really, really important you get a good lawyer to sort the agreement from your side, it will only get worse.

Personally I think Christmas days that are split so kids are with one parent am and the other pm are much more about the parents' desires than what is best for the child, alternating Christmas & Boxing days is far better for them - much more relaxing and less confusing. Plus 2 days of presents is better - far better to spread them out to avoid overwhelm.

And what parent of tiny ones doesn't want more time to themself - that's normal! Most of us don't flounce off because it's a bit tiring.

He doesn't have rights. He has responsibilities and he is woefully poor at being a responsible father. Tell him to get to fuck, stop cooking for him and paying more than your fair share of the mortgage and bills.

Please find your anger OP. He is a hideous specimen of a man and the sooner he is out of your house and out of your life, the better, along with his toxic parents.

But OP the grand-parents are not entitled. They need this explained to them, they are bending the ear of their weak son, but as to their ‘entitlement’ they have none.

‘How pathetic he sounds, laying down the rules for you all, and at the same time removing himself from most of the parenting, yet feels he can put on the C’mas Day “public show’ turning up with both children he has only a modicum of interest in.

Until this has been officially sorted, and I mean not solely by him, I’d be inclined to keep both of the children at home in a settled environment. And as for his parent's, well there will be other Christmases. The GP’s and your H need to learn until custody/visitation has been agreed to, they don’t get first dibs on these special days.

I wish you well, it will get easier as time passes, but I can see it’s very raw atm.

Can you go to your parents or siblings for Christmas?

My parents are in another country and sibling hours away. He knows I will be on my own.

This is abuse.
You need to contact domestic abuse charities asap.
You need to support.
Have you any family?
Can you pack up and go to them with the children.
His parents get to decide jack shit about your children.
You need legal advice.

Have you instructed a solicitor? He sounds like a real piece of work. It also sounds like he needs to move out asap- he then wouldn’t have the freedom to be able to just take the children whenever he wants.

As you still live together they don’t need to go anywhere. He can take them to his parents the next day. I have a part time ex who does every other weekend. I have stood my ground over Christmas Day as I do all the hard work. He gets Boxing Day every year.

If he takes the children to his parents on Christmas Day I’d pack his shit whilst he was at his parents and initiate divorce proceedings yourself in the New Year.

Says he has "the same rights" yet wants to do absolutely minimal actual parenting. What an AH! I'm sorry OP.

Yeah no tell him to fuck off. It’s not fair and confusing on the kids as to why you’re not together on Christmas Day. It also leaves in laws open to talk freely to DH about the divorce which 4yo will be bound to overhear and it will create childhood anxiety. You both need to get your ducks in a row and have a proper conversation with your 4yo before he’s swanning them off with him on one of the kids most memorable days of the year.

what a cock.

Men who disengage from their kids' lives this young can end up going no contact, sounds like that would actually be a good thing here as he's so controlling. So sorry you are in such a vulnerable situation.

Can you and the children go to a friend's for the morning and lunch and he have the children for a few hours after that.

Children should be able to spend Christmas with both parents if possible. Some of the responses on here clearly are not putting the children’s best interests first. The children are 4 and 10 months - neither will be particularly interested in a Christmas lunch. Id suggest they spend the morning with you, they go to their grandparents 12 - 4 and then return home for the rest of the day.

There are lots of aggressive posts on this thread. Lots of posters talk about the children as though they are property. It’s depressing.

OP has this is part of their xmas routine

Not much of an established routine for the kids really though is it? The 10 month old wasn’t even born last Christmas and the 4 year old can probably remember 1 previous Christmas at most.

Take a step back and think about which scenario would be best / least confusing for the kids :

1. Dad takes them off to Granny and Grandad’s for Christmas dinner after they’ve opened their presents with mum. Mum isn’t coming with them. This is odd because it’s Christmas day and they want mum to come but have to leave her behind at their house. They will sense tension between mum and dad however hard the adults try to disguise it.
2. They open their presents Christmas morning and then eat their dinner in their own home with their mum and dad. When all the Christmas stuff is done, they go with dad to see Granny and Grandad later/tomorrow and get to have more Christmas fun.

Can you get the kids in the car and go somewhere now then? It will already be a challenging Christmas for them better to be surrounded by love.

This, and since he sounds like a sack of shit, after you tell him they're not going hide the car seats. He sounds like the type to take off with them while you're in the loo.

Also to echo what everyone says about putting the custody in writing asap. He may want more time with them once he has a partner lined up to impress/take over childcare duties. It's highly unattractive to admit you don't want to parent your own kids, so as soon as he has prospects he'll be Disney Dad.

I like this idea since it sounds like there will be a physical battle if you said no you’re not taking them.

You should ask him to move out now. What sort of a fuckhead leaves his baby? He just needs to leave. Say no to him taking them to lunch. He can go on his own. Why are you asking us if you are just going to let them go? Is this just another depressing Christmas custody thread designed to bum us out? Now we will be thinking of a poor baby having to spend Christmas away from their Mother to sit with a load of arseholes all day. If you won't stop it from happening, don't tell us about it.

Tell him no, he doesn't get to leave you with all the work of the DC while he gets the fun stuff. Cheeky git.

It’s not that simple to ask him to move out. His solicitor advised against it and he is following the advice. I posted because I am being told by him I am unreasonable and difficult and wanted to see if I am going mad or is there someone else who agrees with me.

Definitely do not let him take the children to his parents. They will get back early evening exhausted and you only get the hard work bit, having spent the day on your own. Have you got access to money? I would be tempted to book a lodge or something for a couple of nights and secretly bugger off. Why on earth should he get to take them to his parents when he is the one tearing the family apart!

I agree with you OP.

IMO being taken away from you on Christmas day at such short notice even for a few hours would be confusing and strange for them.

Next year, whatever agreement has been reached between you regarding Christmas can be explained to them in plenty of time so they know what will be happening and it will become their new normal. But this year, they need what they are most used to, which is being with their mum on Christmas Day.