To be upset at DP going on a trip

[KorinaMure]

Myself and my partner have been saving up for a while but also have our own personal spending money. I was saving mine up for us to have a city break in Italy as DP had made a comment a few months ago about wanting to go to Italy. When I surprised him with the tickets he had reacted badly and said it was a bad idea to gift someone a holiday and I’d just given him a problem. I had explained I was going to cover all expenses etc but he was fuming. I was very hurt and we didn’t speak for 2 days. He told me he had no intention of going due to the principle of me booking a trip without consulting him and also because he would feel pressure to take spending money and he wants to be frugal next year.

Eventually he came around and said he wasn’t happy with what I’d done but he “may as well come if already booked”. We are going in March but it’s all going to be a bit awkward and tainted now.

He joined an online group for a hobby (gaming) he likes about 2/3 weeks ago and has built a good rapport with another member of the group. This person has now invited DP to visit them in Bulgaria where they live for a few days to do the shared hobby and go out etc. DP has told me he’s going in January. It’s all a bit weird but DP is a grown man and built like a brick shithouse so I’m not worried about him in that respect.

But I feel hurt that he was so mean when I tried to surprise him with a romantic city break due to perceived pressure for him to splash the cash (which he wouldn’t have needed to), but he’s happy to spend hundreds to visit some random guy online who he met 2 weeks ago on a forum for a mobile game. He says he wants to make friends as most of his old friendships have fizzled out.

AIBU to be a bit hurt

Oh my god yes!!!!!!! How does he even know he’s meeting the person he’s been speaking to? And 2 weeks ago!!!! Whole thing sounds dodgy as fuck.

Your DP wants to have a frugal 2026 but you're ttc? Give your head a shoogle OP and bin the twit.

Please don’t have a baby with a man who bullies you over booking him a surprise romantic trip. Please don’t have a baby with a man who makes you cry in restaurants.
Please don’t have a baby with someone who tries to control you by saying he wants to be frugal but actually has enough money to spend on himself when he feels like it.
Please don’t stay with someone just because leaving feels daunting.
Do not settle for half a life with someone who treats you like this.

I don’t think this man is healthy for you to be in a relationship with. You did a nice thing. Even if he wasn’t thrilled at the idea of a surprise trip (I would love it, but hey, we’re not all the same are we?!) he could and should have behaved with more appreciation and respect. You hadn’t done a horrible thing to him and yet he felt it OK to throw a strop and ignore you for days. That is emotionally selfish and immature and shows a complete lack of empathy. In other words he may not have been thrilled but could still have appreciated that you’d booked it with good intentions.

With regard to the gaming, I always find it very weird when grown adults allow the gaming world to become more than….well…a game. It’s something to pass the time. It’s not real.

I have (or should say “had”) an autistic male friend in his late thirties who was socially a bit odd at the best of times (falls out with people, interprets things in odd ways, speaks too candidly on first dates then wonders why he’s been ghosted….) but he started getting heavily into online gaming. Before long whenever we would meet up he would go into great detail about games he was in the middle of and the online teams he’d joined and disputes where he and his team mates had disagreed about the best way to fight a dragon and so on. It was so boring to listen to, but seemingly had become his entire world. Gradually he just retreated more and more. I would try and urge him to leave the house and interact with people IRL at least once a day, and he would argue that gaming was “IRL” as his comrades were “real people”.
I stopped meeting up with him in the end as I felt he had lost touch with reality. His gaming world had kind of taken the place of normal adult interactions and relationships.
I would definitely urge some caution about staying in a relationship with this man. He seems very self focused, driven by autonomy, socially odd and hugely insensitive. Not really sure what positives there are for you….. a weird awkward holiday that you paid for and which he got the hump about…. Hmm, yeah, I’m pretty sure you could do better.

Stop tying yourself in knots over this absolute loser and move on.
Jesus Christ, the lengths women will go to 🙄🙄🙄

Everything you have described, from the strength of his reaction to the Italy trip, to his addiction to a mobile game, to his decision to fly to Bulgaria to meet some random bloke who could be bloody anybody and apparently keeps exotic animals in his garden (WTF??) is utterly fucking mental. I suspect he's spunking tons and tons of money on this game, too.

You really, REALLY shouldn't be trying for a baby with this man. Please, get back on birth control now. He's a walking red flag.

I would hate if someone booked me a surprise holiday, I need to sort leave with work for starters. Most people do too I would say? Also I have social stuff booked with friends and family so I would be fuming if you just picked a random week where I could have a wedding I was supposed to attend, a big competition for my hobby or a big work meeting.

If you both already had the week booked off and you just chose to surprise him with a holiday, that's totally different, this would be great and I'm on your side!

Gamer. Talking to randos online. Going on trip abroad to meet what is in effect a complete stranger. I assume you’re not wanting children with this bloke, because news flash, he won’t want them. Honestly OP get rid.

@KorinaMure "He says he’ll stop when we have a baby but I’m not convinced"

You've had plenty of sound advice on this thread and justifiably horrified reactions OP but I don't think you're listening. Do not try for a baby with this man for the love of god. What the hell are you thinking? None of this is normal, rational or healthy. He is one gigantic walking red flag. Do you honestly think that a screaming baby, sleepless nights and no social life will turn everything into a fuzzy, warm romantic novel for fuck sake? Do yourself a favour and get out now.

I know he’s a bit lonely lately as his friendships have fizzled out and his best mate moved away and he has been saying he wishes he had more friends.

Ah, poor diddums..... You're not his mum!

Making friends is all in one's own control.

OP, I don't understand why you are so desperate to hold on to this guy when he seemingly has no respect for you and your wishes.

Go to Italy and fuck him off. It's a fab country! Great food, lovely people, amazing art and architecture. Be open and chatty, and respectful.

It will open your heart, mind and eyes to what is important in this world.

OMG, I didn't read about a baby in the mix....

Run, don't walk OP.

Well I’ve visited some Bulgarian villages and they are very remote, the roads aren’t great and the houses are very different to here in the UK, I think he could be in for a nasty shock.
I'm sorry he’s being so blasé about this OP.

JudgeBread
Some people really, really don't like surprises. I'm the same, I wouldn't want a holiday booked for me because I like to choose where I go and be involved in the planning
I think she has bigger problems with him than not liking suprises!

Not one single person thinks any of his behaviour is normal or ok OP but all you can focus on is whether you're being controlling.

So it sounds like you're going to keep plugging away at this relationship regardless, reflect on having a baby and then do it anyway - and then be shocked and unhappy when none of his behaviour changes and he breaks all his promises when the baby is here.

I honestly don't think you're going to leave because you'll just blame his weird behaviour on this or that and think maybe you're too controlling. He'll just say whatever you want to hear to have his baby so you're stuck with him - and you'll have a miserable life raising a child whose father is a weirdo.

Yes that’s what I mean it’s incredibly fucking strange and he’s going on about it like it’s perfectly normal. I honestly thought he was taking the piss at first. It is all freaking me out

I had a solo trip without him last year but key differences were that I had invited him if he wanted to come (he said no). And I wasn’t meeting a randomer I’d met online a few weeks prior I just wanted a week in the sun in Majorca. But he is using the fact I had that holiday to justify this

He sounds awful. He won’t change if you have a baby you will just be the default parent

Yip. This is how it will likely pan out

Sounds like his boyfriend you should be dumping him not trying for a baby it's obvious that you will end up as a single mother. If that's what you want

He says he’ll stop when we have a baby but I’m not convinced
He wont. Youll have a miserable life.

Are you quite sure your DP isn’t doing a paid tour so he can then partake in local festivities? Whatever you want to make of that..?

This one is most definitely NOT a keeper. Better to be alone than to be with someone who makes you feel like this.

A bit more context in regards to the Italy holiday. We are saving up for a baby and house deposit but keep a certain amount of disposable money each month for our own spends.

He was open that his was going on games and his other hobbies, fair enough, that’s what the personal money is for. I personally didn’t need anything material and enjoy shared experiences together so I remembered him mentioning Italy and decided
to save towards that and let him know about it once it’s all been paid for and I had all the spending money ready.

He noticed I wasn’t buying anything for myself and he asked why and told me I needed to treat myself more because he felt bad that I never buy myself anything. That’s when I told him I had booked a trip for us and he had been annoyed telling me I’d given him a “problem”. Later on that night he had calmed down and we went out for a meal to talk it through but all he could talk about was disagreeing with the principle of it, how selfish it was and he didn’t even ask where I had booked. I asked him if I could at least say where we were going but he rolled his eyes so I didn’t want to say the location then as I felt embarrassed and humiliated and thought he would laugh at the location. Then I went to the bathroom and cried and then when I came back he dumped £50 on the table to cover the food and we left. He also told me it was a bad choice because I’m the one that loves travelling whereas he can take it or leave it and apparently I’ve strong-armed him into a holiday without his consent. Annual leave isn’t an issue as he works 4 on 4 off and it’s booked for his 4 days off.

After not speaking for 2 days he asked which part of Italy it was and said “well since it’s non-refundable I may as well go.” But he’s not arsed about it or excited in the least and when I mention it he changes the subject.

so this is why I’m upset he’s so casually doing this other trip

Why on earth are you trying for a baby with this man? Not only due to this current situation, but you don't share finances and aren't married. I hope you're aware of the implications of that and aren't dismissing marriage as 'just a piece of paper'.

He’ll probably come back having committed £19K to some off plan time share dump in the hills there.