To be upset at DP going on a trip

[KorinaMure]

Myself and my partner have been saving up for a while but also have our own personal spending money. I was saving mine up for us to have a city break in Italy as DP had made a comment a few months ago about wanting to go to Italy. When I surprised him with the tickets he had reacted badly and said it was a bad idea to gift someone a holiday and I’d just given him a problem. I had explained I was going to cover all expenses etc but he was fuming. I was very hurt and we didn’t speak for 2 days. He told me he had no intention of going due to the principle of me booking a trip without consulting him and also because he would feel pressure to take spending money and he wants to be frugal next year.

Eventually he came around and said he wasn’t happy with what I’d done but he “may as well come if already booked”. We are going in March but it’s all going to be a bit awkward and tainted now.

He joined an online group for a hobby (gaming) he likes about 2/3 weeks ago and has built a good rapport with another member of the group. This person has now invited DP to visit them in Bulgaria where they live for a few days to do the shared hobby and go out etc. DP has told me he’s going in January. It’s all a bit weird but DP is a grown man and built like a brick shithouse so I’m not worried about him in that respect.

But I feel hurt that he was so mean when I tried to surprise him with a romantic city break due to perceived pressure for him to splash the cash (which he wouldn’t have needed to), but he’s happy to spend hundreds to visit some random guy online who he met 2 weeks ago on a forum for a mobile game. He says he wants to make friends as most of his old friendships have fizzled out.

AIBU to be a bit hurt

Of course it sounds off because it is off!

You are being mugged off in plain sight. Dump him and move on with your life. Please Do NOT have a child with this man!

Agree with others, never trust anyone say they're going to stop anything when they've had a baby. Its never a good time to try and kick a habit / compulsion/ addiction when you're tired and stressed. Look at all the posts on here from women who had kids with men who's drinking or drug use ramped up, who frequently fuck off for entire weekends marathon training/ cycling / football / golfing, who gambled away all their family money etc, and the women can't say anything because they're nagging and the man 'deserves to relax'. This is not a good relationship if he made you cry when you told him about the gift.

Yes I think it would be controlling to tell him he can't go. But it's not controlling to point out how hurt you are that he told you he couldn't go away with you because he wanted to be frugal, but happily spent a load of cash visiting someone he has known a few weeks, after your trip was booked. If he chooses not to go then good. If he doesn't, I think that's all you need to know. You deserve to be with someone who wants to spend time and money on you, not someone who cancels a trip because his partner kicks off if he goes.

2 separate issues: 1) personally i wouldnt like a surprise trip that i didnt get to choose and would have to take time off work for.

2. The bulgaria trip,along with his over reaction is very weird. Are you certain his not cheating? Are there any other red flag?

Yes, everyone is saying this. But you are clearly so desperate to save this relationship, you won't listen.

You'll be back here in a year, with a newborn, depressed and exhausted, posting how you're getting no help, you're up with the baby all night while he's gaming and has paid zero for baby stuff (because he's frugal) and your life is horrible and the baby is going to be stuck with a useless, weird, emotionally abusive father, and you will pretend to be surprised because your ovaries are overriding your judgment.

And then you’ll say you wish you’d listened 🙄

Yes. The trip sounds off. He sounds off. Please God if you’re not ready to leave, get your contraception in order asap. He is showing you exactly who he is. He won’t change if you have a baby, your options will though. You will literally be stuck at home then.

You have already wasted hours and days days second guessing him. Don’t waste any more. Get rid, and get on with your life.

The trip sounds very odd to me; and DP doesn’t sound like ideal father material. You did a very lovely thing and anyone I can think of would have been thrilled - his reaction is bizarre and totally inappropriate. Even if he was worried about the money he could have told you so in a kind way and been grateful for your gesture. Sorry to say I’d be inclined to think about calling it quits if possible.

Yes, it does sound very odd.

But I would be more concerned that he can't stop playing his game while at your parents. He is addicted and it will get worse if you have a baby with him.

He's a pathetic addict who's never got beyond adolescence.
And keeping exotic animals for people to come and interact with is fucking weird and immoral IMO. God knows what conditions this man keeps them in.
I'd be chucking him back, OP.

Bulgaria seems a strange country to choose to visit OP, it is very beautiful but its massive, does he know exactly where he’s going, what the transport links are, which airport he’s flying to? Has he really thought it through, meeting a total stranger in a strange country, where will he sleep? Can he not see how ridiculous it is? Will he discuss it with you, show you the message invite? I think you need to dig deeper into it and you deserve to know a lot more about this trip.
By the way I think your short break to Italy was a really lovely gesture, he’s very unreasonable being so nasty about it.

Are you sure it wasn't already planned for him to go see his friend and then when you suprised him with the trip for the both of you, that caused him to be upset as he already had planned the spending money/time with this friend of his?

How is he going to behave when you are away in Italy if this is how he reacted to just the tickets? Will be spoilt it for you?

Nope he hadn’t even started playing the game in which he met the friend when we argued about the Italy surprise

It's completely bizarre as people have been telling you. Of course it's off, of course it's odd. No one is so desperate for male friendship that they travel 1,500 miles for a couple of nights. I have yoghurt in my fridge that is older than this 'friendship'.

That’s the thing - it’s a village 2 hour drive from airport which DP will land at.

Also I had a look on social media and the Bulgarian “mate” seems to have a wife and I wonder if she knows a random man is coming to stay in her home? I know if it were the Bulgarian mate coming here I wouldn’t be comfortable with a man we’ve never met before staying in our home. Or alternatively he can get a hotel but what a waste of money just to visit the mare’s house for one day of the long weekend.

It is more than odd. I’ve played an online game for nearly three years with the same group of people - from all over the world. We’ve never met (and pretty sure we’d not dream of doing so). It’s a nice addition to our real lives, but it is WILD to me that he’s planning to meet someone in a different country after a couple of weeks!

Also - he sounds dreadful. Please don’t have a child with him - someone up thread said it beautifully - watching him let your child down is going to hurt 10 times more than you are hurting right now. Do you live together?

Why are you still ignoring all the advice to dump your loser boyfriend, who has no interest in you or prioritising you?

@KorinaMure given he said he fancied going to Italy, he should have been grateful to receive a thoughtful weekend away. You are not being controlling. But by getting so worked up he was being extremely controlling. It is not as if you booked and paid with joint funds without involving him? Honestly, he has shown his true colours, never mind this latest nonsense. Are you sure the game person isn’t the woman in the photos? Stop TTC and find yourself someone who deserves you, or spend some time on your own (both options are better than this ‘prince’ you’ve landed yourself).

How old are you OP?

I think he's an absolute plonker but I'd approach things gently for now so he doesn't just dig in deeper. Ask is he sure his new 'friend' meant him to visit so soon. Perhaps he will show you the messages. He is ridiculously absorbed in his online gaming, but that's how they are designed. This will also get in the way of him making real-life friends.

So his reaction to the Italy trip was weeks ago, he's been playing this game, completely ignoring you for weeks, and can't even pretend to be a decent human being to you in front of other people.. yet you are STILL trying to conceive a child with this man?

You would be stupid and selfish to have a child with him, by all means believe his bullshit about changing and let him do this to you if that's what you really want, but why would you do that to a child? He'll have no problem treating them the way he treats you now.. As an inconvenience to his chosen way of life.

My BIL was like this, he honestly damaged those kids growing up, he was cold and disinterested at best and nasty and abusive at worst, I don't think he ever actually wanted children really and he made it clear they were nothing but an inconvenience to his gaming lifestyle.. then after 15 years he eventually left to go and be with someone (a woman) he met online in another country.

They have been permanently affected by the upbringing they were subjected to.. so whatever reason you have for wanting a child.. it's not enough.

I have younger colleagues who go abroad to visit gaming friends. Not after 2 weeks though, the weirdo!

Throw this one back in the sea OP. Your surprise trip was a lovely thing to do. Go on your own or with a friend and have a brilliant time.

OP, this post is spot on. Read it over and over again until you have absorbed it into your psyche and can recite it verbatim. This is your Dickens's Christmas Carol/Back to the Future/Bill &Ted/Hot Tub Time Machine warning about the future that you should heed whilst you still have a chance to change it.

If course it is, you KNOW it is.

Are. You. Not. Reading. The. Thread.

Tbh he sounds really weird.