To be upset at DP going on a trip

[KorinaMure]

Myself and my partner have been saving up for a while but also have our own personal spending money. I was saving mine up for us to have a city break in Italy as DP had made a comment a few months ago about wanting to go to Italy. When I surprised him with the tickets he had reacted badly and said it was a bad idea to gift someone a holiday and I’d just given him a problem. I had explained I was going to cover all expenses etc but he was fuming. I was very hurt and we didn’t speak for 2 days. He told me he had no intention of going due to the principle of me booking a trip without consulting him and also because he would feel pressure to take spending money and he wants to be frugal next year.

Eventually he came around and said he wasn’t happy with what I’d done but he “may as well come if already booked”. We are going in March but it’s all going to be a bit awkward and tainted now.

He joined an online group for a hobby (gaming) he likes about 2/3 weeks ago and has built a good rapport with another member of the group. This person has now invited DP to visit them in Bulgaria where they live for a few days to do the shared hobby and go out etc. DP has told me he’s going in January. It’s all a bit weird but DP is a grown man and built like a brick shithouse so I’m not worried about him in that respect.

But I feel hurt that he was so mean when I tried to surprise him with a romantic city break due to perceived pressure for him to splash the cash (which he wouldn’t have needed to), but he’s happy to spend hundreds to visit some random guy online who he met 2 weeks ago on a forum for a mobile game. He says he wants to make friends as most of his old friendships have fizzled out.

AIBU to be a bit hurt

Why are you trying to have a baby when one of his stayed goals is he's going to be frugal? You will end up paying for everything and doing everything. He sure doesn't sound like a supportive partner, or much of a partner at all.

And that's besides how he treats you like you don't even matter.

This relationship is dead in the water.

😂

He sounds like an ungrateful arse but don't let this spoil your holiday. A bad beginning doesn't have to mean a bad ending.

The gaming was a casual hobby when we got together and I didn’t mind. But the past few months ago it has really ramped up. We were away in and Air B and B last month and every day I was literally begging him to put the phone down so we could go out for dinner. We can’t even watch a film together without him constantly checking the phone

Mate... a baby ain't going to fix what you got....

You must be able to see that...

Its not in Bulgaria
Its not a man
Its a cover story
Open your eyes and get proof of his airline tickets and accommodation.
I doubt youll get that

Put your coil back in, or take your pill
Dont be a fool.
I'm blunt. I know. I'm not sorry either.

Nope. You did a lovely thing. Its abit weird though to meet another bloke he does know

And you really want to have a child with this man?
Get on to the AIBU and relationship pages and see how your life and your potential child’s life will be like.

And I don’t think he’s visiting who he says he’s going to visit either.

OP seriously you don't know the full story here. There is no way he's going to visit some bloke he's met online after a few weeks. He just isn't.

Online gaming friendships can be quite intense quite quickly, especially if you're putting a lot of hours in. You can build up some sort of persona and attachments and think it's attraction. It can be incredibly addictive.

That and the fact he's thrown a romantic break in your face says to me that he's entered a fantasy world with a woman or at the least he's dabbling with a side of him that hasn't surfaced before with men. It's not a platonic thing.

Stop TTC with him. I think the next few months will be a bit bumpy for you and change the tickets of the trip and go with a pal if you can't cancel it. He'll have a face on if he goes

He sounds like a real arse. Have you considered going away with a good friend instead? It sounds like you’re likely to have a better time regardless. Even if he’d been delighted about the tickets it seems like the only thing he’d have looked at in Italy is his phone screen!

And to add to this

if it’s a baby you want, get a sperm donor

You have my sympathy OP, that was horrible of your partner and if I were you, if you can cancel the Italy trip, do so and use that money to treat yourself.

The gaming thing sounds so strange and weird - I don't mean the gaming itself as my DH is a gamer (and it gives me some peace to do what I want) but the suddenly going visiting a stranger all of a sudden - to be honest, I'd be questioning it.

I say this on the nicest possible way OP but you are being gaslit to fuck by this walking talking red flag waving arsehole.

This January 1st, please please please make it your New Year’s resolution to look within, recognise your value and worth - ie, what a lovely thoughtful person you are for arranging such a nice surprise - and then boot this utter manchild out the door. Even better, let the twat trot off to Bulgaria, use the time to bag up his crap and change the locks. Lovely.

Then, take an equally lovely friend and have the experience you deserve in Italy. 💐

@KorinaMure Booking the trip and 100% funding it was such a lovely to organise. You sound like a really thoughtful partner. However, it doesn’t sound like you are receiving the same kindness and consideration from him. Please try to take a step back and reflect on this relationship, especially ttc right now.

Once you have a child with someone, you are entwined forever, even if you divorce. I have witnessed two very close friends navigate their respective divorces, both said their husbands changed and were never like that before children. As an observer I can categorically say these men were who they showed themselves to be. Love is blind and the desire to have a child is so strong we often are willing to overlook the obvious. This man does not sound ready to be a fully committed father and partner. Be good to yourself and find someone who is worthy of your love.

Whilst I would love to go to Italy I wouldn't want my partner just booking a trip without consulting me about whether I can take annual leave and whether the timing iss suitable.

Tbh Bulgaria is really cheap and is in no way comparable to what you will spend in Italy and he may have a cheaper time in Bulgaria than staying at home.

It it was a long-term gaming pal who he’d been playing with for ages then I would absolutely be happy for him and want him to go but less than a month? And having only chatted within the games message feature.

You’re crazy if you have a child with this idiot.

You cant still be serious about TTC with this weirdo surely?? Why would you bring a baby into this? Your man is very clearly up to something dodgy, no grown up goes to spend a long weekend with Random Gaming Friend.

He'll have got pissy about Italy because that trip will somehow cause him issues with whatever he is up to.

I sort of admire him for thinking it sounds plausible tbh 🤣🤣

Honestly - why are you trying to conceive with a selfish gamer who has not got your best interests at heart and who you are not even married to??
Why do women undervalue themselves so much that they will settle for any shit bloke??

Oh I’m sure I’ll get hammered from women saying “marriage isn’t important” - but it is. We see it so so many times on here.
Marriage fail runs at just under 50%.
Children whose parents are not married will have less than an 8% chance of their parents being together when they are 16.

I’ve got the ick just thinking of a man who is going on a trip to see his online gamer ‘friend’ after 3 weeks of ‘playing’. FFS - why are you with this man?
He has zero respect for you.
Do not have a child with him - if you do I will bet my house you will be a single parent by the time the poor kid starts school.

Jesus christ, just NO to having a child with this idiot. What's he gonna do when a crying newborn interrupts his gaming, throw the controller at its head? Then again, he probably won't hear the crying through his bloody headset. Sure it can be a bit tricky if someone else books a suprise trip, getting time of work, spending money, but honestly the correct response is just to say thank you and sort it out. Find someone who appreciates you OP.

It’s a mobile game which makes it even worse because it comes out and about with us. I’d almost prefer a PC game as then it’s only confined to one room. But nope, had to deal with it at Sunday lunch at my parents yesterday

He says he’ll stop when we have a baby but I’m not convinced

I would find it really odd and not believable to hear that he wanted to go to another country to stay with someone he made friends with on a game a couple of weeks ago.

Is it possible the relationship is more than friends - or he is going to meet someone else or do something else?

Does he usually do odd things? You mentioned he is upset about not having friends if he is really going to do what he says he is doing then sounds like he is lonely / depressed as it is very odd...

But it sounds more likely that there is more to the story and another reason he want to go away alone and not away with you.

I could see my husband getting distressed about having a surprise holiday as it could be difficult for him to arrange work around it and he is self-employed but it sounds like in your instance your partner was also not looking forward to going away with you, overall it doesn't look like he wants to be in a relationship with you very much.

OP what do you think about this universal response to dump him?

Again, I game myself (including a mobile anime game!) So not against that but his behaviour is atrocious and unlikely to get better for good.

He won’t. He won’t stop now to go out for dinner. Why are you suddenly going to be worth stopping for because at the moment, you’re not actually important to him.

He says he’ll stop when we have a baby but I’m not convinced

Nope.