To be upset at DP going on a trip

[KorinaMure]

Myself and my partner have been saving up for a while but also have our own personal spending money. I was saving mine up for us to have a city break in Italy as DP had made a comment a few months ago about wanting to go to Italy. When I surprised him with the tickets he had reacted badly and said it was a bad idea to gift someone a holiday and I’d just given him a problem. I had explained I was going to cover all expenses etc but he was fuming. I was very hurt and we didn’t speak for 2 days. He told me he had no intention of going due to the principle of me booking a trip without consulting him and also because he would feel pressure to take spending money and he wants to be frugal next year.

Eventually he came around and said he wasn’t happy with what I’d done but he “may as well come if already booked”. We are going in March but it’s all going to be a bit awkward and tainted now.

He joined an online group for a hobby (gaming) he likes about 2/3 weeks ago and has built a good rapport with another member of the group. This person has now invited DP to visit them in Bulgaria where they live for a few days to do the shared hobby and go out etc. DP has told me he’s going in January. It’s all a bit weird but DP is a grown man and built like a brick shithouse so I’m not worried about him in that respect.

But I feel hurt that he was so mean when I tried to surprise him with a romantic city break due to perceived pressure for him to splash the cash (which he wouldn’t have needed to), but he’s happy to spend hundreds to visit some random guy online who he met 2 weeks ago on a forum for a mobile game. He says he wants to make friends as most of his old friendships have fizzled out.

AIBU to be a bit hurt

No, I don't recall saying I have to have a say in everything I receive. But going abroad is expensive and we don't have a lot of money so only go abroad once every couple of years, so yes I like to have a say in where we go and what we do. I know, I'm such a controlling bitch.

Why are you even considering having a child with a man who is so selfish and sulky.

Better to be single than settle for being treated badly.

Move on.

She appears to be ignoring that particular question, instead focusing on the gaming

Oh god 😂😂

Well one of two things are happening here:

Hes got someone else on the go

He really is, at 30 years of age, preferring to go and visit some random guy hes messaged for a few weeks on a mobile game. I repeat, at 30 years of age.

I suspect hes got someone else but tbh the other option is just as bad, additionally its very very cringeworthy, I couldn't take him seriously ever again.

Meeting a dude from an anime game and moaning about being taken to italy.....thats done me 💀🤣🤣 is there a chance he's gay?

You know it is weird. You don't need a forum for that.
I wouldn't be staying in that relationship.

“I will change when the baby comes” is literally the biggest lie anyone ever tells. Trust me. I’ve fallen for it and ended up a single mum.
As for the mobile gaming, if he’s on the phone that much I’d be wondering if he isn’t messaging someone. Although I will say my partner plays a mobile game he’s obsessed with so it does happen but he’s never expressed a wish to meet anyone from it and it’s never affected our real life!
I have a close group of online friends who I’ve been speaking to for five years and I’ve never met any of them! I’d love to but we all have other priorities which prevent it.

Do not get pregnant by this man. You deserve better.

How long have you been with this arsehole?

I've been a gamer on/off for years and have also sometimes made friends in game. I think it's bloody weird too! I expect the Bulgarian was just making a casual/polite invite and will be shocked your partner is taking him up on it!

Sadly, your DP is thoroughly addicted and a bit of an asshole to boot! So please stop TTC. He won't step up when the baby comes and then you'll just have saddled yourself with him for a life time. Watching him let your child down will hurt way more than him hurting you feels.

You sound lovely and you deserve better.

I’ve been married for 30 years , I’m an older gamer , and am part of a gaming community , just to give you a married gamers perspective .
Some games have communities/guilds/clubs and if it is a game that has Europeans play online , they do have get togethers, not often but the closer knit ones do, the people that do have usually know each other for a long time . I’ve not done it as I’m happily married and too old at 61 to bother with it all. I do chat to a lot in different countries though .
That said , it does sound a bit off what your partner is doing. I would def not be happy .
My husband has organised trips for us to go on weekend breaks without telling me , tbh I’m adhd and usually like to know exactly what’s planned beforehand as. I’m not good with surprises that involve going away , I would never moan about it though and always say how sweet it was of him to think of us , and I go and have a good time . If we go away for a normal holiday , I usually organise it as I want everything to be perfect , the area, the hotel etc, I think it’s part of my ADHD .
I don’t suppose your partner is , is he? It might explain a lot .

Is this the friend?

Yes that’s my suspicion to be honest that it was maybe a casual invite which partner has taken seriously. Of course I don’t know this for sure but he’s had similar incidents before of trying to force dying friendships or he’s asked to meet up with a mate and they’ve said “I’ll let you know” and he’ll continue to text them

He won't stop in company now, so he is very unlikely to stop if you have a child.

My advice - let him go to Bulgaria and spend that time working out your exit plan, maybe even see a solicitor for initial advice. You might not feel you need an exit plan right now, but he is more interested in spending time with a stranger, than with you, and he can't be bothered to converse with your parents.

It has disaster written all over it.

Get you little quackers in a row so you can react quickly if you need to.

And don't have a child with him.

Edited to say my DH is a gamer and has met up with people in the the UK - we actually went to one chap's wedding in the evening. He said he actually talked more to DH and the other gamers about life in general, than he did to people in real life. We have an open invitation to visit another one in Texas if we are ever over there. So meeting up itself isn't unusual, but the speed and intensity is concerning, as well as the disinterest in your family and your plans

Yes I do see the points about not having a baby with him and I deffo am going to reflect on that, I’m not ignoring the advice. My first hurdle to get over though was whether I was being controlling to not want him to go on this trip

Having a kid with a boyfriend you hope will change into a good person is a fast track to utter misery.

Reconsider if this loser is really the absolute best example of a male to inflict on a child, or if your life would be enhanced by dumping him.

The thing that stands out the most from all your posts is that you seem to see nothing strange or irresponsible about planning to have a child with a man you don’t even know - one who’s a gaming addict and a bit of a dick, who doesn’t even seem to like you very much.

If you actually know a person well enough to start a family and plan a life with him, none of his responses or behaviours should be remotely surprising to you. As it is, the whole relationship sounds tepid at best, with the potential to degenerate into an absolute shitshow once you throw a baby into the mix. Which would be a very selfish thing to do.

Have you had a full chat about all this and how it's made you feel - now that the initial argument has passed? I'm a believer in trying to talk things out in a calm way. If you've tried this and he still doesn't realise he has done wrong then I'd be wary about continuing in the relationship. He has well and truly burst your bubble

I would not like a surprise holiday so I understand the basic position of where he's coming from.

But he's behaved appallingly and inconsistently so another vote for dumping his ungrateful, ungracious self and taking a friend.

That’s how I would take it - and I’d pack his gear and tell him not to bother coming back from Bulgaria, frankly.

He sounds like a petty man child.

What is he offering you in this relationship? That’s what I’d be asking myself

I do wonder how many of the daily ‘I hate my life, I’m utterly miserable, I hate my children, I do everything, my dh does nothing, I’m on my knees with exhaustion, I had no idea he would be so useless’ posts could be traced back to a name change and a post like this 5 years previous.

The trip itself does it sound off to you all? Do you think it’s odd for a 29 year old man to travel to rural Bulgaria for a long weekend to meet a man who he met 2 weeks ago on an online game?

How do you know this is even the same guy? There are a lot of scammers and fraudsters online pretending to be other people.

This is clearly a cover story to allow him to go away with his affair partner.

He was upset about the Italy trip because he’d rather go with her

I’m sorry that that’s how it is

I’ll be ensuring I was not pregnant if I was you. Then ending the relationship pronto.

He’s nothing but a liar

Can you go with a friend to Italy? If it isn't refundable, you might be able to chang the name on the flight for an admin fee.

YES! Everyone on this thread is saying the same thing, but it seems you're finding it quite hard to listen, OP. It is indeed weird as fuck. And just to add to all the voices, don't have a child with this man. Stop TTC at once!