What do people see when they look at me??

[Imnotlaughing]

I’m actually a bit embarrassed and don’t want to post any pictures as it would obviously be identifying so I’ll try to explain concisely.

When I was younger I drank lots and dabbled with drugs. I also have underlying hereditary health conditions. I’ve had a difficult early life and I’m aware I have not aged well.

I am only in my early 50’s. DH is older than me. He once told me that one of his colleagues saw us out together and made a comment during workplace banter that DH lived with an old lady. I was offended that he just laughed it off and didn’t stick up for me but I just moved on and forgot about it after deciding his colleague was just a bit of a rude prat, especially as I’m younger than DH.

Last year we moved to a new area and have spent the last 12 months getting to know the neighbours, walking the dogs together etc and fitting in. We decided we knew people well enough to at least put a few Christmas cards through doors of people who had shown kindness and made an effort to talk to us.

One of those neighbours approached me last week to ask me to thank my son for the Christmas card. I didn’t know what to say so just politely acknowledged their gratitude without correcting them. Then last night another neighbour put a card through our door addressed to DH & ‘Mum’. He saw it first and handed it to me in silence knowing what I’d think. This card was from an elderly lady in her 70’s. I was gobsmacked.

I am 53. He is 55 next week. I spent last night just looking at my reflection in the mirror thinking what on earth are they seeing when they look at me? A crooked old lady with a walking frame? Are they taking the piss or are they serious? Honestly I don’t see someone old enough to be DH’s mum looking back at me when I look in the mirror and am utterly baffled and embarrassed by this.

That’s three people now. The first I just thought was a piss taker but the other two were actually serious. They genuinely thought I was his mum. I know I haven’t aged well but I don’t think I look that old. To think I am DH’s mum they must think I’m at least 20 years older than him? I walk long distances, sometimes I am out for hours in the countryside as a hobby and walk further than many of these people could even comprehend. I’m not in dreadful shape.

I know this is subjective and nobody can really tell without seeing a picture of me but now I can’t help wondering what are they seeing when they look at me? I just don’t know what to make of this anymore. Far short of a face lift there’s not a great deal I can do about how I look but I am genuinely just not seeing what they are seeing when I look at myself.

The last think I ever thought when I met DH was that one day all the neighbours are going to think I am his mum. I feel like Mrs Doubtfire! 😳

It makes no sense op. If you get a card from John and Jane and write one back you write it to John and jane. You don’t write to John and his mum, like you don’t know her at all and don’t know her name, no one does that, never mind 2 sets of neighbours,

so either he’s writing cards from John and his mum, or well, this is nonsense.

It told me I looked like someone in their 20’s. I think I look good but I do not look
loke someone in their 20s.

I suppose you really need to decide how much this actually bothers you and if you want to change the perspective people have.

I know lots of women think they carry grey hair well, and yes some do but imo a lot who think they do, don’t. I can think of 2 off the top of my head, a friend of mine 8 years younger than me, we live in different countries now, she was always stunning very outdoorsy, glowing skin, she’s gone naturally grey and she looks older than me (50) it really ages her. My sil is next, 3 years older than me but looks 60plus, she has never been into makeup, part of wanting to go grey was she always looked young think being id’d for cigarets and alcohol at 40yo, but I think it now makes her look so much older.

Given your big on outdoors and walking, dose your skin reflect this? Nothing beats a long outdoors walk but it’s not exactly friendly for the skin.

I have chronic health conditions, I spend my life in pain and this was really showing, I put lots of weight on, struggled to walk. Like you I partied in my youth, lots of alcohol, no drugs but was feeling and felt I looked far older than my years. There were something I couldn’t control but others I could. One was getting into a good skin care routine, it’s taken a while but I’ve found products I like and that make me look far healthier than I feel. Having skin that feels hydrated feels so good, I also started dying my eyebrows and adding eyebrow gel and mascara something I never used because it always irritated my eyes when younger. It’s amazing how much these 2 products can change my entire look. I also started dying my hair at the hairdressers who gave me some good self care tips.

I was never big into makeup but I do wear it more now as I’ve gotten older, mainly when I’m feeling tired or had a bad flare up, a bit of colour ( I’m already naturally very pale) has worked wonders.

I now like to watch videos and follow I suppose influencers for tips. I also signed up last year to a beauty box subscription so each month I get a box of new products to try out. Two products in particular I’ve started using regularly as I fell in love with how they made my skin look and feel.

I actually like the idea of looking into some different types of clothing and products. I just don’t see an older person looking back at me but it has happened too many times now for this to just be a coincidence. I told DH how it made me feel but I just don’t know if he really understands it from a woman’s point of view. His take is it wouldn’t bother him if it were the other way around and I should just ignore people making comments. I did forget about it the first time but the second time when the neighbour walked over to me it was the last thing I expected.

A lady at my last job was in her late 40's. Another woman started who said she was the same age as her. Behind her back the woman said "Wow I couldn't believe it when she said she was the same age as me! She looks so much older..."

She really didn't. Not to me. They both looked similar age, but I thought it was interesting how this woman thought she looked so much younger. Anyway, my point is age is subjective. How someone acts/dresses/speaks can attribute to how old someone appears to look.

Okay well now you absolutely have to kiss your DH passionately or him give your bum a cheeky grab when you see these neighbours just to f*ck with/horrify them, maybe they’ll abruptly realise their error 😄

Well I spoke with my friend who I trust and know will always be honest and truthful. She just can’t see it and finds it absurd that anyone would think I was DH’s parent.

But 3 separate people have commented though. It hasn't come from nowhere. Look, it takes effort to look good in your 50s. You've already said that you dont bother with skin care, make up, you've let your hair go grey and you wear comfy clothes. There's a lot to work with there if you want to stop looking older than your age. That's if it bothers you, which it clearly does from reading this thread.

You didn’t like my suggestion that it might be your husband who has told the neighbours you’re his mother, perhaps as a silly joke or even being malicious towards you.

But if you really don’t look old enough to be his mother then have a look around at other neighbours who may have spread this nasty rumour.

I still think your husband is behind it.

You have said several times that you are aware that you've not aged well. Then you say the AI thinks you look younger than you are. Now you believe your friend because... Which is it? If you've not aged well, then you look older than one might expect of a woman your age. You seem to be in a level of denial.

It’s not that I didn’t like it. I just don’t believe it because he doesn’t have ‘jokes’ like that with anyone. You seem to have a low opinion of men?

According to you, your friend, and chatgpt you don't look old enough to be his mother.
I don't know what either of you look like but I find it highly unlikely that you look old enough to be his mother.
Only people he has had the main contact with seem to think you are his mother.
What other explanation could there be?

I am aware I have not aged well and perhaps look older than my age and I may be in denial but I still do not believe I look old enough to be my husband’s mother. AI suggested I was pretty much the age I really am. I believe my friend because I trust her and I know she would tell me. So it’s all three to varying degrees. Either the neighbours are just not good at telling ages or I really do look like Mrs Doubtfire!

Well in fairness I think I would know my own husband well enough to know this isn’t something he is engineering.

I have a great opinion of men! I just think it was cruel of your husband to tell you that his colleague thinks you look like an old lady. He also doesn’t seem bothered about correcting the neighbours.

My husband wouldn’t behave like that.

I guess it will remain a mystery then.

Your DH relayed to you a colleague said you were an old lady.
He showed you a card where a neighbour addressed you as his mother.
He hasn't stood up for you or corrected them in either situation.
So he's at least somewhat responsible even if he hasn't directly told anyone you are his mother.

If people only my DH talked to all had the same assumption about me, and others he hasn't talked to didn't, I would become suspicious about what he was saying.

You could do one of those ask the public things and stand in a shopping centre and get your friend to ask passers by to guess your age as if it’s part of a TV show.

We have both talked to them and both assumed it was obvious we were married.

I have a low opinion of some men, your husband included. Please explain why you think he chose to tell you his colleague was taking the piss out of you looking like an old lady. Allegedly.

I honestly think it might be a case of your dh’s possible age range and your possible age range (from how you look to strangers) allows for people to assume that you might be his mum; I can’t remember if you mentioned you were 55… well if your ‘stranger’s guess’ age range is 55- 65 (as you mention you haven’t aged well, and have grey hair / comfy clothes), but your dh’s ‘stranger’s guess’ age range is 45-55, as maybe he has short hair, maybe it is not so grey, maybe he looks trim, and a bit younger than his age. Which means that in those scenarios, you could both either be 55, or he could be assumed to be 45 and you 65 (or 46 and 62, which would be a 16 year gap, enough to be mum and son). It sounds like one of your neighbours has made the assumption, and maybe mentioned you in passing to other neighbours as the mum.

I dont think your friend can give you a neutral impression, I think knowing someone for a long time, and knowing someone well will affect how you view someone (visually). It is more telling for a complete stranger to judge.

Then it's really weird that they only put his name on the card and only thanked him, even if they thought you were mother/son

I've just remembered that my DH's work colleagues once mistook me for his mother when we were shopping in town! And I was young, fit and (sorry but I was) pretty hot back then. They'd seen us from a distance. At the time, I was fond of wearing vintage dresses, so I probably looked like an extra from a 1950s sitcom.

I wouldn't fret about your face, OP: I think people just pigeonhole each other based on a very loose distant impression. Grey hair and a walking frame ticked enough boxes, they're not bothering to look any closer.

My own observational skills are rubbish - I don't think people mean any harm, it's just the way our "pattern recognition" minds work, fairly or not. People we pass in the street are not the focus of our proper attention.

The vast majority of people would never risk causing offence by assuming your relationship is mother and child, especially writing it on a card.

The primary friendship is obviously with your husband, they didn't write, 'To Imnotlaughing and son'.

So why have they got the wrong impression when you say you don't look old enough to be his mother, which I expect is true? Have they misunderstood something he's said? He needs to put them straight.

If the card from you both said from Jane & Tom, why on earth would someone address their card to Tom & Mum?

Also in the time you've been dog walking and getting to know the neighbours have you not talked along the lines of DH & I like gardening; my husband likes to cycle, etc?

'He once told me that one of his colleagues saw us out together and made a comment during workplace banter that DH lived with an old lady.'

I do think you are very much minimising this OP...

I doubt anyone ever told your husband that his wife looks like an 'old lady.'