What do people see when they look at me??

[Imnotlaughing]

I’m actually a bit embarrassed and don’t want to post any pictures as it would obviously be identifying so I’ll try to explain concisely.

When I was younger I drank lots and dabbled with drugs. I also have underlying hereditary health conditions. I’ve had a difficult early life and I’m aware I have not aged well.

I am only in my early 50’s. DH is older than me. He once told me that one of his colleagues saw us out together and made a comment during workplace banter that DH lived with an old lady. I was offended that he just laughed it off and didn’t stick up for me but I just moved on and forgot about it after deciding his colleague was just a bit of a rude prat, especially as I’m younger than DH.

Last year we moved to a new area and have spent the last 12 months getting to know the neighbours, walking the dogs together etc and fitting in. We decided we knew people well enough to at least put a few Christmas cards through doors of people who had shown kindness and made an effort to talk to us.

One of those neighbours approached me last week to ask me to thank my son for the Christmas card. I didn’t know what to say so just politely acknowledged their gratitude without correcting them. Then last night another neighbour put a card through our door addressed to DH & ‘Mum’. He saw it first and handed it to me in silence knowing what I’d think. This card was from an elderly lady in her 70’s. I was gobsmacked.

I am 53. He is 55 next week. I spent last night just looking at my reflection in the mirror thinking what on earth are they seeing when they look at me? A crooked old lady with a walking frame? Are they taking the piss or are they serious? Honestly I don’t see someone old enough to be DH’s mum looking back at me when I look in the mirror and am utterly baffled and embarrassed by this.

That’s three people now. The first I just thought was a piss taker but the other two were actually serious. They genuinely thought I was his mum. I know I haven’t aged well but I don’t think I look that old. To think I am DH’s mum they must think I’m at least 20 years older than him? I walk long distances, sometimes I am out for hours in the countryside as a hobby and walk further than many of these people could even comprehend. I’m not in dreadful shape.

I know this is subjective and nobody can really tell without seeing a picture of me but now I can’t help wondering what are they seeing when they look at me? I just don’t know what to make of this anymore. Far short of a face lift there’s not a great deal I can do about how I look but I am genuinely just not seeing what they are seeing when I look at myself.

The last think I ever thought when I met DH was that one day all the neighbours are going to think I am his mum. I feel like Mrs Doubtfire! 😳

I’m hoping chat gpt is accurate 😂 I’ve just uploaded three photos of me and my mate

• Woman on the left: likely in her late 30s to early 40s - I’m 52
• Woman on the right: likely in her late 50s to mid-60s - she’s 58

My mum says the opposite- she thinks that ageing hairstyle for women is shorter hair, and that women over a certain age seem to go for short styles.

Understandable, OP.

I would approach one of these neighbours and thank them for the card, correct them nicely and ask them honestly why they thought you were mother and son.

Because the reason for this does not appear to be due to your appearance.

It’s your husband. As the above poster said I don’t believe that anyone called you an “old lady” to his face. I suspect that he’s saying and implying things to people because he wants you to change your appearance or “put more effort in” (clothes/makeup/hair/whatever) and is too chickenshit to say that to you.

Yep. Short hair and grey hair are very ageing.

👆Yes.

I was mistaken for my dad's wife twice. Seriously creeped me out for a variety of reasons and still does 🫣

Emma Thompson looks amazing. So did that actress in Riot Wonen with the short grey hair.

Tinted blonde layers are much more ageing.

Totally agree. You are thinking of Tamsin Greig. Both she and Emma look fabulous with either minimal or no Botox and fillers. But they also look their age, just great.
I think it's because they are toned and athletic.

Yeah her. I think white/ grey hair is much less ageing. It takes a certain attitude to wear it. And that’s what makes it seem younger.

Although people are ova free to do their hair how they want!

Also:

'One of those neighbours approached me last week to ask me to thank my son for the Christmas card.'

Did you ask your husband why he sent a Christmas card to this neighbour only from himself? Not from you, too?

He didn’t. It had both our names in it.

Is your hairstyle aging you op?

I saw a video with the golden girls with longer/modern hairstyles and it was amazing how much younger they looked with exactly the same faces!

It certianly made me rethink chopping my hair off for an easier old age!

It depends how close you are to the person. If you see someone from far away, you can't see things like wrinkles on the face. The most obvious thing is hair colour and grey and white hair are obviously associated with older people.

Similarly, I don't think clothes are very important for neighbours as they're probably seeing each other outside. They're mainly just seeing the coat.

They have sticky up hair though don't they, not the usual choice of style for women that age, but still conforming to the traditional theory that older women should have hair that draws the eye upwards rather than downwards.

Strange that the neighbour didn't just thank you, in that case.

I disagree. Emma Thompson doesn’t look young for her age at all. One case in point is Miranda in And Just Like That. In series 1 she was grey, now she’s back to being a redhead and looks stunning and a lot younger with dyed hair.

I didn’t say she looked young for her age. I said she looked amazing. They aren’t the same thing.

Okay. But we’re talking about things that are ageing and grey short hair is ageing on most women, dramatically so for many.

What about load of crap.
Sorry.
But it depends on who you are, my sister had knee length hair and it aged her, she shaved it off number 2, and it suits her and took ten year of her.
Me i had a shaved head and I couldn't pull it off, I looked older and looked like a man.
I have long Cork screw curls salt and pepper.
And the grays have not aged me.

This is why l said it’s about attitude. Nothing to do with drawing the eye upwards. Never heard of it.

I was once mistaken for a friends mum! She was killing herself laughing, me, less so. I don’t look old for my age, my fiend even has more wrinkles, but she just has a young look about her. I wouldn’t worry.

If you say so 🤷‍♀️ I mean knee length hair is pretty extreme - I’m not sure I’ve seen that on anyone and I’m sure it doesn’t flatter anyone either. However I reckon if your sister had a soft shoulder length style that would look better than a close crop. And most people with salt and pepper hair would look younger if they lost the salt part.

In my opinion, it is partly to do with drawing the eye upward. You may have never heard of it, but people who work in that area, hairdressers and stylists and the like, do recommend drawing the eye upward once you are older. You don't have to agree with it, but it's a thing.

Honestly op, one if the many things I've learnt from a career taking witness statements is how terrible the general public are at observation -including guessing anything like age, height, distances, time of day, nationality, ethnicity, type of car.....

If you look at the "how old am I?" Threads on here you will see how far off some people are!

When I was 16 I was assumed to be my brother's mother twice in the space of a few months - I was only 2 years older than him and he was half a foot taller. One of the times was by a family friend who had met all of us!

Also a lot of people, particularly women, put a lot of effort into looking younger these days- including spending a lot of time and money on cosmetic procedures, skincare, flattering clothes. Therefore someone who has grown older naturally might be assumed to be a lot older if the observer's baseline of what an average 50 something is different. Like if you asked a team of basketball players what was an average height they'd probably estimate a few inches higher than normal - they know they are taller than average but their frame of reference is still a bit off.

I saw a thing on social media the other day of a group of women in their 40s from the 80s and they all looked so much older than what most people consider an average 40 year old to look like today.