What do people see when they look at me??

[Imnotlaughing]

I’m actually a bit embarrassed and don’t want to post any pictures as it would obviously be identifying so I’ll try to explain concisely.

When I was younger I drank lots and dabbled with drugs. I also have underlying hereditary health conditions. I’ve had a difficult early life and I’m aware I have not aged well.

I am only in my early 50’s. DH is older than me. He once told me that one of his colleagues saw us out together and made a comment during workplace banter that DH lived with an old lady. I was offended that he just laughed it off and didn’t stick up for me but I just moved on and forgot about it after deciding his colleague was just a bit of a rude prat, especially as I’m younger than DH.

Last year we moved to a new area and have spent the last 12 months getting to know the neighbours, walking the dogs together etc and fitting in. We decided we knew people well enough to at least put a few Christmas cards through doors of people who had shown kindness and made an effort to talk to us.

One of those neighbours approached me last week to ask me to thank my son for the Christmas card. I didn’t know what to say so just politely acknowledged their gratitude without correcting them. Then last night another neighbour put a card through our door addressed to DH & ‘Mum’. He saw it first and handed it to me in silence knowing what I’d think. This card was from an elderly lady in her 70’s. I was gobsmacked.

I am 53. He is 55 next week. I spent last night just looking at my reflection in the mirror thinking what on earth are they seeing when they look at me? A crooked old lady with a walking frame? Are they taking the piss or are they serious? Honestly I don’t see someone old enough to be DH’s mum looking back at me when I look in the mirror and am utterly baffled and embarrassed by this.

That’s three people now. The first I just thought was a piss taker but the other two were actually serious. They genuinely thought I was his mum. I know I haven’t aged well but I don’t think I look that old. To think I am DH’s mum they must think I’m at least 20 years older than him? I walk long distances, sometimes I am out for hours in the countryside as a hobby and walk further than many of these people could even comprehend. I’m not in dreadful shape.

I know this is subjective and nobody can really tell without seeing a picture of me but now I can’t help wondering what are they seeing when they look at me? I just don’t know what to make of this anymore. Far short of a face lift there’s not a great deal I can do about how I look but I am genuinely just not seeing what they are seeing when I look at myself.

The last think I ever thought when I met DH was that one day all the neighbours are going to think I am his mum. I feel like Mrs Doubtfire! 😳

Precisely. It doesn’t make sense to me either.

Could he be telling people you’re his mum? They seem to know his name, not yours. Could he be telling people you’re his mother and be seeing someone else?

Both our names were in it, he put his before mine I believe as he was writing the neighbours ones and at the time I was writing to our family and did the same thing myself putting my name first as I was writing them.

Just to catch up yes I’m grey but that is something I always felt I carried well. Maybe not. Obviously it ages you but you know if you look 20 years older. The original comment I rather took as more the colleague taking the piss out of DH in front of his mates rather than me. I actually forgot about that but then the recent incidents brought it back.

He could have responded differently but we all have moments where we could have done things differently and didn’t. Me included.

Yeah she’d look younger without grey hair. Sorry if you don’t like to hear that.

thr point I’m making though is if they know both your names, say John and Jane for example. Wny would you write a card to John and his mum, it makes it look like they don’t know you or your name. If people know the name they use it.

I feel for you, OP, but would caution that chronic illness/tiredness & pain borne of said suffering, can age our faces in nuanced ways that are difficult for us to pick up on as we live with ourself.
I was kindly referred to as my ex's Mum & my daughter's Grandma after I suffered a severe spine injury. The years of pain aged my face & posture in a way actual ageing hasn't. Your walking will not mitigate the subtle differences strangers pick up on, if the fatigue & pain remain. Grey hair adds to the split-second assessment people make.
So, you're shocked but unfortunately it is a reality. I hope you don't suffer too much. I was lucky to have an operation that seriously reduced my pain & it is no longer etched on my face & in the way I carry myself. (Menopause has wreaked other more conventional damage, however 😮‍💨🙃)

Sorry you haven’t aged well.
is it your complexion/wrinkles/hair?

I am a similar age and think I look my age (used to look younger but post-meno is a bitch), but some of my friends possibly look older as they’ve let their hair go grey (no issue with that but it’s def ageing), maybe dress older or are unfit in some way.

DH is 4 years older than me and he’s always looked older than his age. His brother is the older one by 2 years but people often think dh is older. DS (early 20s) also looks a bit older than he is - he could pass for 25-26 for sure.

Have you got a good friend you could ask who would be honest and you would be offended by her opinion?

"Well yes but if you were only 53 you’d notice if you actually looked about 70, surely?"

Yes, but nobody said you looked 70. Maybe they think you're a bit older so around 60 and he's younger so around 40...

"I’m grey but that is something I always felt I carried well."

Maybe you do, but maybe the neighbours are only seeing you from far away so going more by the hair colour than your face.

In general, short grey hair IS ageing on most women, especially if they're not actresses, not in the public eye and have had a tough life like the OP.

Tamsin Grieg looks MUCH younger without the grey hair. So does Dawn French.

I wonder if with the neighbours there has been some crossed wires.
Like one person getting the wrong end of the stick for whatever reason, and in a neighborhood chat refers to 'so and so and his mum', leading other neighbours to think, "oh, didn't know they were mother and son. Righto"

Also, people can make snap judgements based on anything, and then change their mind when they have more chance to meet the person.

You could catch sight of someone's grey hair and read "old", then actually interact with them and realise they are younger than your quick first impression.

I'm sorry this has happened and made you feel so rubbish. I can't imagine for a second you look really 20 years older then you are.

There are a few things people take into account when ageing people - hair, wrinkles (or not), teeth, how they move, and how they dress. I think you can get away with grey hair if your face is unlined, and your posture is good. I have quite smooth skin, but my posture is terrible and so are my teeth so I always dye my hair, as I think with grey hair, from a distance people would think I was maybe 10 years older due to the way I stand and move.

I agree with those saying that these people are maybe seeing your DH as being younger than he is, but if it bothers you that people are thinking you are older then have a consideration as to why this may be. A haircut and condition and some highlights plus a light reflecting BB cream could be an easy win, if this is something you want to do.

@Leavesandthings
You are probably right in respect of the crossed wires. Someone has got hold of the wrong end of the stick and the neighbourhood has run with this.

I reckon this has nothing to do with how old you look, just that if they are older,‘they are probably from a generation expecting a mum to be in her 20s, so in their minds, a woman around 40 with a young child is going to be their grandmother.

"they are probably from a generation expecting a mum to be in her 20s, so in their minds, a woman around 40 with a young child is going to be their grandmother."

In a low income area, a woman in her 40s accompanying a small child IS much more likely to be the grandmother so they could just be going on probability.

Does your dh do something which is making him seem much younger than he is- for example driving the kind of car you'd expect to see a teenager drive.

They might find out later that OP and husband are married and think, well that makes a lot more sense, she didn't seem old enough to be his mum!

I was wondering about that phrase ‘my old lady’. I wasn’t sure if it was ever still used as I know if from 1970s TV, but the phrase can mean either ‘my wife’, or ‘my mum’. Same as ‘my old man’. I was wondering if the OP’s DH used this phrase and that was the cause of the confusion.

It could just be that you feel you carry it well but other people’s perception is very different.

I think grey/white hair can look amazing but I do find that it ages people overall. Especially dark grey. I have a lot of grey hair for my age (30s) and if I don’t keep on top of it I look haggard.

I plan on eventually going full grey in many years to come, but that will only be when I’m ready to accept to look and be perceived as older.

What colour is your husband's hair?
Maybe they think he is in his 40s and you are 60 plus. Many people make age assumptions on grey hair.

It will be the grey hair. Im 54. Pretty much all of my friends and colleagues around the same age have long, well conditioned and styled coloured hair. I think of grey hair as something that 70± age group have. That will be why your DH colleague was laughing saying he lived with an old lady. I also think it's likely that your DH is telling you all this because he doesn't like the grey hair and thinks the 'old' comments might push you in the direction of dyeing it. Probably knows he'd get a slap if he just came out and said it 😊

You say, you haven’t aged well, so you could look 5-10 years older than your true age? If your DH looks younger than his years, 5-10 years younger, then that could well explain it. My DH is extremely youthful in appearance, most assume 40-45, but he is 60. I’m only 50, but we look very similar age wise.

this might be slightly controversial but are you happy with the way you look?
if not, perhaps use this to make some little changes and feel your confidence go through the roof.

is your hair fully grey? That can look trendy, or have a trim?
eye brows and they too thin? Need shaping?
is your make up too strong if you wear any?
go to John Lewis and have a free make over and they help chose clothes that suit you or flattering that you might not have thought of.
are you on Facebook? There’s some closed group look for private not public and if you’re feeling brave post a photo and ask for glow u advise- I wouldn’t detail about the son bit but just that you would like advise- some of these groups are really friendly and surprising what others can see that you don’t!xxx

I mean, you say it yourself:

When I was younger I drank lots and dabbled with drugs. I also have underlying hereditary health conditions. I’ve had a difficult early life and I’m aware I have not aged well.

You're early 50s, have grey hair, and have not aged well. If people assume your husband who "is definitely a young looking 54/55" is your son, then you realistically must look significantly older then your age. For some women, grey hair looks fabulous, for others, pleasant, and for many, it adds on 10-15 years.

If you're already a bit wrecked by life, and have perhaps more wrinkles than the average woman in her early 50s, so look later 50s, adding on 10-15 years will easily make you look like you're his mother to the casual observer.

If you're in pain, you can look significantly older at times, I have found, also.

It's up to you whether you want to put a rinse of colour through your hair to see if it improves your look. Plenty of decent semipermanents on the market you can do yourself without going to a hairdresser if that doesn't appeal. And make some effort with a basic skincare routine. Facial massage videos can help, too.