What do people see when they look at me??

[Imnotlaughing]

I’m actually a bit embarrassed and don’t want to post any pictures as it would obviously be identifying so I’ll try to explain concisely.

When I was younger I drank lots and dabbled with drugs. I also have underlying hereditary health conditions. I’ve had a difficult early life and I’m aware I have not aged well.

I am only in my early 50’s. DH is older than me. He once told me that one of his colleagues saw us out together and made a comment during workplace banter that DH lived with an old lady. I was offended that he just laughed it off and didn’t stick up for me but I just moved on and forgot about it after deciding his colleague was just a bit of a rude prat, especially as I’m younger than DH.

Last year we moved to a new area and have spent the last 12 months getting to know the neighbours, walking the dogs together etc and fitting in. We decided we knew people well enough to at least put a few Christmas cards through doors of people who had shown kindness and made an effort to talk to us.

One of those neighbours approached me last week to ask me to thank my son for the Christmas card. I didn’t know what to say so just politely acknowledged their gratitude without correcting them. Then last night another neighbour put a card through our door addressed to DH & ‘Mum’. He saw it first and handed it to me in silence knowing what I’d think. This card was from an elderly lady in her 70’s. I was gobsmacked.

I am 53. He is 55 next week. I spent last night just looking at my reflection in the mirror thinking what on earth are they seeing when they look at me? A crooked old lady with a walking frame? Are they taking the piss or are they serious? Honestly I don’t see someone old enough to be DH’s mum looking back at me when I look in the mirror and am utterly baffled and embarrassed by this.

That’s three people now. The first I just thought was a piss taker but the other two were actually serious. They genuinely thought I was his mum. I know I haven’t aged well but I don’t think I look that old. To think I am DH’s mum they must think I’m at least 20 years older than him? I walk long distances, sometimes I am out for hours in the countryside as a hobby and walk further than many of these people could even comprehend. I’m not in dreadful shape.

I know this is subjective and nobody can really tell without seeing a picture of me but now I can’t help wondering what are they seeing when they look at me? I just don’t know what to make of this anymore. Far short of a face lift there’s not a great deal I can do about how I look but I am genuinely just not seeing what they are seeing when I look at myself.

The last think I ever thought when I met DH was that one day all the neighbours are going to think I am his mum. I feel like Mrs Doubtfire! 😳

Quite and telling op that someone said she looked like an old lady, he doesn’t sound like a nice person at all, he’s playing his own game here. He didn’t need to tell you anything negative that’s been said about you and personally I’d have binned the card before you saw it given he knows you feel a bit sensitive about your appearance. He’s either keeping you ‘in your place ’ or fucking with you trying to push you into ‘making more effort’

Is it possible that one of the neighbours has got it into their heads that you are his mum and has insisted this 'fact' to the others. Maybe the other neighbours reaction was "No way! I thought they were a couple? really? No way! Are you sure!?" I am going to blame it one (mad) individual on your street who has persuaded the others. x

Are you sure it’s about your looks and not about behaviour? May be you act like a grown up and your DH is particularly immature.

This is why I write door numbers on the envelopes and just sign off inside (no “to such and such”

what might help is when you’re out together next, catch yourself and him in the shop mirror together. That initial look will tell you everything ime

Like others, I find people's assumptions quite odd.

I am 57, people often think I am early forties, DP is 55 and easily looks 60+ but noone has ever assumed he's my dad!

Do you have grey hair? That can be very ageing. It's difficult to say though OP. Need a photo really.

We went for our Christmas lunch at work few weeks back. I showed my daughter the photos and she asked whether one of my colleagues was part time working and studying at the same time. My colleague is 27! But he does look like a kid. We always joke he looks like a kid! But I was surprised my child who is 9 thought he was 16 without ever being aware of any of these conversations.

And the young ones can absolutely hate being thought of as younger as well...

Did the neighbour thank YOU for the card as well? It would be strange if he only wanted to pass on his regards to your "son" if the card was from both of you.

My colleague is 27! But he does look like a kid. We always joke he looks like a kid!

Does he join in the "joke" that he looks like a kid? As someone who was the butt of these type of "jokes" for years, I can assure you I found them anything but funny and simply a sign that the joker had never learned any manners.

The only way to get a truthful answer here is to post your photo. You can edit out your eyes that may help disguise who you are in RL.

Exactly. Something amiss with the whole thing.

Yes every time I look at Tamsin Grieg I think how old she looks.

What absolute tosh. How can you actually write such bollocks.

What’s the ops agenda do we think? It’s a puzzler. But it’s got all the dont have grey hair don’t have long hair don’t have short hair idiots frothed up.

Soft shoulder length hair🤮

Who wants to look like everyone else?

Sorry if I’ve missed this - do you have grey hair @Imnotlaughing ? Sometimes people just see grey hair and make an assumption and it’s very superficial.

God bless AI (on this occasion!) for reassuring you! 😄

Also I think there’s more expectation for women to stay young looking these days. Which now quite often means Botox/treatments as well as make up and hair done etc.

Please ask DH to correct them when you’re not there! And he shouldn’t have told you his colleague’s comment in the first place.

If it makes you feel better, a person turned to my 17 year old son at a Christmas Fair and said ‘are you looking for something for your grandma?’ - meaning me!
i’m 52. I mean technically I could be but still!
I never assume anything like this about people I don’t know! It’s like asking someone if they’re pregnant - a no no! And it’s a rude assumption.

I mean… Tamsin did look younger without the grey hair. She looks good but she does look 60+ which is what OP is trying to avoid.

Is it your teeth, Op? They can be very ageing. And if they weren't showing in pic on chatgpt, it wouldn't pick up on that...

I wonder if you dress older than your age? I sometimes see women out and about and think 'she must be about the same age as me but she dresses a generation older'. I'm NOBODY'S fashion plate: my clothes are Seasalt, M&S, and occasional bits from Next or Monsoon. Just a thought.

Exactly.

All this advise on how to look younger when the OP’s husband did this:

’DH is older than me. He once told me that one of his colleagues saw us out together and made a comment during workplace banter that DH lived with an old lady. I was offended that he just laughed it off and didn’t stick up for me.’

If true, a husband who doesn’t have his wife’s back and nothing to do with grey bloody hair!

OP has said tgat she doesn't look 70. I believe her.

OP can you describe your appearance a bit more, what’s your hair colour and style? Do you wear any make up? What’s your skincare routine? What’s your average outfit choices? I’m sure you don’t look like your DH mother!

Basic skincare can make a huge difference, as dry skin can make you look older. Uneven skin tone can also make people think you're older. Wrinkles, past what basic skincare can help with, are a much less important signifier of age.

I have two friends who are your age. One has significant wrinkles while the other has none. They both look the same age. A very light foundation can work wonders.

Well yes but if you were only 53 you’d notice if you actually looked about 70, surely?

Yes, but you don't look 70. If you did you'd know. There's something that does't add up, that probably has nothing to do with your appearance.