to think wedding vows are a load of tosh?

[BeQuirkyMintScroller]

All anyone can promise is to be honest.

Just the idea that you can promise to always feel a certain way no matter what life throws at you for the the rest of your life is insane. You cant really choose your feelings.

AIBU to think that the only vow should be:

"I will always be honest [with you about how I feel]"

and maybe a second one of

"I will not get angry with you for being honest"

I have been to lots of weddings that wildly promise feelings of forever and always. But then again I've never married so am not really qualified!

Mnetters experienced in love and war - AIBU?

Well don’t get married then. I meant mine

Given the divorce rate I think you're right. I like the entire of more realistic ones.

In most cases these days you're allowed to write your own, so people choose ones that are meaningful to them.

We had a frivolous throwaway wedding but I took mine very seriously and still do. Been married nearly 30 years.

Same here. Married for 44 years now.

Although, I do kind of agree that the wording could be updated to include respect, shared values, kindness and to show consideration and honesty. Those are values that our marriage is based on.

The only vow which is actually a legal requirement in the UK is the one where you declare that you take the other person to be your lawful wife / husband. The remainder are only convention, or are decided by the couple themselves.

I made the traditional vows (better or worse, sickness & health, richer & poorer, to love and cherish til death us do part) and I intend to keep them. I don't assume my feelings are immune to change, but I made commitments which I plan to keep. It's like any promise - nobody can predict the future when they make one, but they can commit their own behaviour to upholding it.

Actually that’s not true. Jewish weddings have no vows and are legally binding

In the case of wedding vows, I don't think love is necessarily/ only the first flush squishy honeymoon phase love which is a fleeting feeling but the deep care, intimate knowledge and respect that grows over years. Which is beautiful and I feel so grateful to have.

Op, I kind of agree with you but i think that some people do absolutely mean that regardless of their feelings, how the other person behves they will absolutely stick with it (this melts my brain a bit and not something I would want to promise).

The traditional vows are what a marriage should be. People should really think about what they’re committing to. I meant mine and have lived them

That's wonderful! My parents were similar - reached 48 married years until my dad died! I had a wonderful model and they had become happy companions. Two peas in a pod!

Wishing you many many more years of happiness x

Indeed. I can’t even remember our wedding vows. Was nervous and excited and wrapped up on the moment. Agree about the honesty one. If only more people were able to take honest feedback calmly and without getting defensive the world would be a better place.

To be legal in the UK, weddings must include the declaratory words (no legal impediment) and the contractual words (I take you; which the poster you quoted was referring to). Without these, it's not legal.

Vows (to love and cherish, to always make you tea, to never go to bed cross, whatever) are optional for all weddings.

You can have a Jewish wedding without these but do need to then organise the legal aspects separately.

And what happens if your DH turns out to be abusive?

Yes obviously I meant women should stay in abusive marriages

that's sort of what I was getting at but beyond the "spouse woke up one morning and decided they're in love with our neighbour " type thing.

Forty odd years without some circumstance arriving that makes the original promises impossible is as much about what didn’t occur as what did. If that makes sense?

Serious illness, dementia, fiancial ruin, criminal conviction, fertility/loss, major personality changes following brain injury, addiction ...to name a few

Then he’s broken the contract, not you.

@Macaroni46 then he’s not living up to the vows - or at least not the traditional Christian one, to love and to cherish. Most religious ceremonies in fact have some protections built in, if you look. Humans be human though. Vows are something to aspire to, I like that.

We didn't have any vows at ours

Not so traditional that the Bride vows to obey her Groom hopefully?

YANBU. I've always thought this. It's unrealistic to vow to always feel the same about one person. I'm married. Meant my vows at the time, but life is long... I think age lot of people have an unrealistic romantic view of married life.

Many men leave when their wife is diagnosed with a serious illness. It would be better if they were able to continue to cherish her.

I mean, you can throw away the good intentions if you like, but I would doubt that will improve marriages.

Good intentions that are prioritised by both people should see you through almost anything.

Perhaps it depends on whether you think feelings are within your control or not. I would say they are. You work on yourself and the situation and find a way to feel better.

Loving and cherishing (in the sense that one can vow to do them) are actions rather than feelings.

Love is patient.
Love is kind.

Love does not envy.
Love does not boast.

Love is not rude.

Love forgives.

Of course, if one loves someone in this way, the feelings tend to follow suit anyway.

I made the traditional C of E vows, I see it as a contract between us, if DH was abusive then he would be breaking the vow he made to love and cherish me, this means I would feel able to break the till death do us part vow.

Are you sure about that? Everything I've read says that each of the couple have to declare that they don't know of any impediment to the marriage, otherwise it's not a marriage legally, in E&W anyway. There shouldn't be anyone who is exempt from that.

The usual thing when a religious ceremony doesn't comply with legal requirements is to have a low-key civil ceremony either before or after the religious one.