to think wedding vows are a load of tosh?

[BeQuirkyMintScroller]

All anyone can promise is to be honest.

Just the idea that you can promise to always feel a certain way no matter what life throws at you for the the rest of your life is insane. You cant really choose your feelings.

AIBU to think that the only vow should be:

"I will always be honest [with you about how I feel]"

and maybe a second one of

"I will not get angry with you for being honest"

I have been to lots of weddings that wildly promise feelings of forever and always. But then again I've never married so am not really qualified!

Mnetters experienced in love and war - AIBU?

We made traditional vows- better, worse , sickness, health etc
Been married 28 years and still going strong.

Always important to remember that love is a verb- an action. It's not about how you feel , it's about what you do.

Exactly. What people are calling ‘the traditional vows’ are vows from a particular type of religious service. If that’s not you, get married another way.

Because nearly 300 years ago the law recognised Jewish and Quaker forms of marriage as valid, and that has remained the case throughout all changes in the law.

Perhaps the declaration of no impediment is not considered necessary for the Jewish wedding because Judaism has its own laws about who you can marry (which are what the Christian and civil laws are ultimately based upon), so this would have been checked before any Rabbi would agree to officiate at the wedding.

As a modern Jew, I do not like the passivity of the bride, either. But within Judaism there are various movements, and couples can choose to be married in a service that does include the bride speaking. The bride not speaking does not mean that she can be tricked into getting married.

I don’t know if YABU or not because I got married 6 years ago. We have a good marriage but I honestly can’t remember what my vows were!

I meant my vows when I made them - over 30 years later I still do. I think the whole point of vows is that you will change and external events will impact and you have made the vows to stay together and put each other first through all life's vicissitudes. The whole point of the vows is that feelings change and you will stick together through thick and thin. There have many tragedies and traumas in mine and my husband's lives but we made those vows to each other and we have held strong to each other, because our marriage is important to us - it shouldn't be taken lightly, or ill-advisedly, or wantonly etc.

This. I meant what I said 💖

For what I've seen and read about, most dont marry for love, they marry for money, gold digger vibs.

And them that say I married because I want security, get your own security, dont rely on a man for money or security.

The belief that wedding vowels are symbolic doesn’t mean you ‘mean’ them any less. Nor does it mean they aren’t solemn or that you don’t commit to them.

They rely on metaphor, hyperbole, and ideals (forever/always/for better or worse). Literal statements are precise and falsifiable, vows are aspirational and expressive. Their purpose is to declare meaning, not to specify enforceable conditions or measurable outcomes.

Phrases like ‘always’, ‘never’ or ‘until death’ cannot account for unpredictable change – illness, personality shifts, moral growth or harm. If taken literally, most people would be in breach almost immediately.

The power of vows lies in being spoken publicly within a ritual context. Ritual language functions symbolically: it creates shared meaning and social recognition. The audience understands the intent is commitment, not a guarantee of future psychological states or actions.

I had a 'lowest common denominator' wedding at the registry office with two witnesses and a selfie stick. The only think I was made to promise was that I was legally able to get married, or something like that. I said "yep" and signed on the dotted line.

The fact that other people want to do the whole vows thing doesn't bother me. What did bother me was finding out how many of my intelligent friends and acquaintances incorrectly believed that a) wedding vows - the 'in sickness and in health' ones - were required by law, and b) they were legally enforceable after the fact.

They're a bit of theatre, nice but not my style. Actions mean more to me than words.

Yes, exactly. I should say that my low-rent, legal minimum, ten-minute wedding was just a legal change of status to what had already been a happy, committed relationship for more than 20 years at that point.

Been to LOADS of weddings and have friends married 3 times and only one couple still married and hes just like a brother she doesnt fancy him..42% of marriages end in divorce and no one is ever honest and says 'do you know what darling i rather think im a tad fed up being married to you so i think you should toodle pip off and i can jolly well get it on with Barbara from the tennis club' that would be honest but instead people destroy each other, i think people think marriage vows mean people have to be honest,.

We just ticked the shortest options on the forms the registrar gave us and repeated whatever it was she said at the correct times. 🤷🏻‍♀️

There aren’t any vows in Orthodox Christian weddings either. The couple have to state they’re free to marry and do so with consent, but that’s it. There is no exchange of promises. Vows are a feature of the western Christian churches.

I feel that the vows don’t recognise the caveat everyone needs to think privately: “Till death is do part”….. but not if you are an alcoholic or drug addict who does not try very hard indeed to get cured. Not if you are abusive.

How interesting, I did not know that.

Well he will have broken his own vows, so no obligation on his wife to stay.

I meant my vows and take them seriously (married within last 5 years). We went to a very religious wedding recently though where the bride promised to obey! They also had a reading fron Ephesians about wives submitting. Each to their own but it made me uncomfortable and I certainly wouldn't have made that vow. DH also disliked it.

Well, the first time, it lasted 28 years, then it had ended, just past its use by date, and I left.

The second time, it lasted until he died.

I didn’t break any vows, but life happens. 🤷‍♀️

I agree with @Elsvieta . They’re not about feelings; they’re about choices. In the immortal words of Massive Attack, “Love is a verb; love is a doing word.” We CHOOSE to constantly work at our love, by not taking each other for granted, by helping each other, by making the decision every day to care for and about each other. Same with the rest - you choose to stay in sickness and health, etc. Unfortunately, yes, a lot of people treat vows as if they are just feelings, which explains the 21% of men who leave their sick wives (only 3% of women leave their sick husbands).

Haha, I can’t remember if I made vows either. It was a civil wedding so I must have made the legal declarations but aside from that I genuinely can’t remember what I said. Still married (16 years in Feb).

Sure but you can only make your own choices and you have absolutely no control over the choices the other person will make. Vows involve a great deal of trust that you will both always remain on the same page as far as decisions and effort are concerned.

The specific traditional vows used in English speaking countries are actually an Anglican invention that spread to other parts of Europe and abroad. They derive from the Sarum (Salisbury) law iirc, which blended Celtic and Roman norms.

Pre-Christian Roman wedding ceremonies had a vow of sorts, with the wife saying ‘Where you are Gaius, I am there Gaia’, so I guess the concept came from that. It persisted and evolved in the west when the western part of the Roman Empire collapsed, but not in eastern (Byzantine) part of the empire.

I see them as being willing to take the rough with the smooth

Traditional or modern, meaningful or not - I cringe at the idea of saying that kind of thing out loud in front of one's aunts and uncles.

How I feel about my commitment to my partner is very private and personal. It's the kind of conversation I want to have one on one, and I do. I've no interest in hearing a couple, no matter how close they are to me in my community or family, regurgitate a little tone poem while gazing into each others' eyes. My hearing it doesn't make it any more true or enforceable.

Funny how people who cling on to things out of "tradition" are fine with recent inventions such as male wedding rings and all-white dresses even though they don't date back past the 20th Century.

They would be better vows. 'We like being with each other (most of the time) and are happy to muddle through together as long as we can."