to think wedding vows are a load of tosh?

[BeQuirkyMintScroller]

All anyone can promise is to be honest.

Just the idea that you can promise to always feel a certain way no matter what life throws at you for the the rest of your life is insane. You cant really choose your feelings.

AIBU to think that the only vow should be:

"I will always be honest [with you about how I feel]"

and maybe a second one of

"I will not get angry with you for being honest"

I have been to lots of weddings that wildly promise feelings of forever and always. But then again I've never married so am not really qualified!

Mnetters experienced in love and war - AIBU?

Absolutely agree - over 44 years married now). Maybe those who just live together consider it bad luck to make such vows.and are doomed to fail.

I’m going to write my own vows and they will be along the lines of I commit to work hard at our relationship, especially when things aren’t easy. That’s the bit that really matters I think.
Traditional vows are a different kettle of fish.

We got married in a register office and I only wanted to say the bare minimum that was legally necessary.

No one really gives a fuck listening to people warble on at weddings about how much they love each other.

Well cant remember ours but 30 years on cant see what difference it makes what they were

You opted for religious vows which said the commitment was serious, lifelong etc. I did the shortest legal service in which all we said was that we were free to marry and were marrying one another. No mention of duration, health, wealth etc.

1. You can choose your feelings.
2. You can choose how you act.
3. If you can’t honestly make the promises, you shouldn’t make them.

I'm inclined to think yes they are , they were a means to an end in my mind but i did not include to obey !
I am still happily married to the same man and intend to be until death do us part but i didn't think to much about a few words that are repeated time after time just to get to the part that concludes you are legally married .
I feel similar to swearing on a bible whilst laying your hand on it , i had to do so once as a witness to someones marriage annulment procedure and it absolutely means nothing to me whatsoever so i didn't feel at all genuine doing so.
What really matters in a marriage is actions not just words.

We don't "just live together" if we aren't married though, we are actually in relationships as well. I've been with my partner for 22.5 years, he's not the stand up in front of people avs being stared at kind of guy and I've never felt the need to force him into it. Weddings are expensive, they're a pressure, they're commercialised. I remember a guy I once worked with, a young healthy guy and the expense of planning his wedding drove him to have issues with really high blood pressure.

There is definitely an element of not wanting to fix something that's not broken plus I had someone tell me once that they'd been to the marriage museum at Gretna Green and it sucked all the romance out of marriage because the origins were landowners taking contracts of ownership of women.

Hard agree. But have to concede likely why you and I aren’t married 😂

Marriage vows are largely about commitment - basically, ‘I’ll stick by you regardless of whether we are rich poor, healthy ill etc.’ If you are with the right person then it’s not tosh, it means something. Married almost 20 years and it still resonates with me.

I would never have got married if I didn’t mean the vows I made and didn’t intend to keep them. I still take my vows just as seriously after 45 years as I did the day I got married.

We meant ours. Been very happily married for 30 years.

People shouldn’t get married if they think it’s not a serious and lifelong commitment.

You have been happy.💐 Sometimes it is too terrible to stay.

Got married aged 22 to first boyfriend. Unsure looking back if I could be trusted to pick out a meal deal let alone a future spouse at this very young age. Lasted 20 years - 2 kids but now divorced. Older and wiser - definitely wasn’t old enough to know what I was signing up for.

I meant mine! We had a choice of three or four different vows- two were very similar- ours were based on love and friendship. Couples don't have to say the traditional 'in sickness and in health' vows.

Perhaps 'til the death of Love do us part' might work for the current age. Personally after 59 years of marriage I'm not going to break in a new bloke. It's taken a life time to train him!!! I said my vows and I meant them. They can be the cement that keeps one going during the stormy times.

You can write your own vows?

They are not tosh, but I did worry about the concept of making vows that I could not honestly say I could keep further down the line. Vows don't take into account life events and changing circumstances. I would have preferred to promise to do my absolute best for my husband and our life together. At the end of the day it's all a leap of faith and we have now been married for 25 years. I am also not keen on retaking vows. Once was enough for both of us.

But if you discover you’re with the wrong person it can be a living hell. Often a person’s true colours don’t emerge until after you’re married.
I meant my vows when I got married but being abused both physically and mentally meant I had to break those vows for my DC’s and my sake. I’d far rather have had a stable and lasting marriage but I was living with a narcissist bully.

People who don’t get what OP is talking about shouldn’t reply. Hint: it’s not about whether you meant it or not.

Well, “To love and to cherish, til death do us part…or at least until about 18 years in when someone else I fancy more than you comes along and I have to then go and shag her in my car as you just don’t give me attention any more” doesn’t have quite the same ring does it? 😂

I had never wanted to get married but after having children we decided to wait for the civil partnership to become available for us. We were in and out in about 10 minutes and we just had two witnesses. For us it was purely for legal reasons not a celebration and it was incredibly cheap!

I don't know. My husband promised to always make me a cup of tea in our vows and he's kept to that, so it works for us.

The whole point of marriage is that you accept it’s forever, and from that, you find a way through the inevitable differences, challenges and arguments, because you know you must face them all, not run away.

If you don’t accept it’s forever, you’re not really married.

We live in an age in which people equate cynicism with cleverness, sincerity with naivety, and devotion to institutions with stupidity. These attitudes are deeply mistaken and are not serving anyone.

Well no, marriage isn’t a metaphysical concept, it’s a legal contract that unites two individuals. If you’ve legally married then you’re married, there’s no ‘well, not really’ at that point.