Page 3 | to think wedding vows are a load of tosh?

Imlyingandthatsthetruth · 22/12/2025 09:26

Well there was a post the other day where the OPs partner was totally unable to care or lift a finger that she was unwell in bed, and I thought maybe that's where "in sickness and in health" should perhaps actually be taken seriously to mean something. I don't know if they were even married so the thought was abstract but the reason for the vows is to focus the thoughts, not just words to recite.

Rightsraptor · 22/12/2025 10:34

christmassytimeagain · 22/12/2025 08:42

No as I said before I didn’t say a word. I’m not sure why you don’t believe me. The rabbis are also registrars yes.

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I'm struggling with this as it doesn't sound as though it complies with the law.

If you get the normal marriage certificate at the wedding, then the rabbi must be authorised conduct it i.e. a registrar. And, as such, there is an obligation to comply with the law.

There are obvious inherent dangers if the parties involved, and I'd say especially the bride, don't speak during the ceremony.

I can't understand why any group of people would not have to follow that.

TeenLifeMum · 22/12/2025 10:37

I think I actually “honour and cherish” dh more now 21 years later than I did at the time we married. I cherish the life we have and the support we give each over. All difficulties in our life have come from external factors and the two of us have got through it all together. In our 40s with teens, we appreciate each other’s commitment more than ever.

PersephonePomegranate · 22/12/2025 10:40

I find a lot of wedding traditions hugely embarrassing tosh!

SwedishEdith · 22/12/2025 10:42

I always think they're unrealistic, especially when you're at someone's second wedding. Massive generalisation, but I suspect more men than women really, really think about what the vows mean. Which makes me think they were written by men.

mcmuffin22 · 22/12/2025 10:43

Rightsraptor · 22/12/2025 10:34

I'm struggling with this as it doesn't sound as though it complies with the law.

If you get the normal marriage certificate at the wedding, then the rabbi must be authorised conduct it i.e. a registrar. And, as such, there is an obligation to comply with the law.

There are obvious inherent dangers if the parties involved, and I'd say especially the bride, don't speak during the ceremony.

I can't understand why any group of people would not have to follow that.

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A quick google shows that spoken vows are not necessary in a Jewish wedding.

HereforonedayonlytoavoidStrangerThingsspoilers · 22/12/2025 10:48

I agree OP! Traditional wedding vows are outdated nonsense and I think so many people don't understand them and therefore don't keep to them. So I just asked AI to write a modern version…

I, [Name], take you, [Name], to be my wife/husband and my favorite person—even when you are absolutely unbearable. From this day forward, I promise to choose you on the worst days: the days when we’re exhausted, irritated, overworked, under-caffeinated, and questioning every life decision that led us here. I vow to love you when we’re broke, stressed, sick, grumpy, or fighting over something deeply stupid. I promise to stay when things get hard, when we annoy each other, when one of us is clearly in the wrong but refuses to admit it. I vow to show up, to try, to grow, and yes—to keep my d*ck in my pants. I will love you, cherish you, and choose you again and again—even on the days when loving you is a conscious effort—for as long as we both shall live.

Mumof1andacat · 22/12/2025 10:51

As long as you say the vow/line were you agree to marry the other person as that is a legal requirement, then the rest is your choice so it's your own fault for not choosing what means the most to you.

ArcticGrass · 22/12/2025 10:53

It did feel a bit weird at ours to be honest - as he'd been married before, all same guests, listening to him saying the same things again...

We talked about it and he was very much of the view that the vast majority of his first marriage had been happy, they'd raised their kids well, and then it hadn't worked but they were still friends. Put like that it felt OK...

tuvamoodyson · 22/12/2025 10:55

We’ve kept to our traditional vows for over 30 years. No mention of obey in ours though…

Mt563 · 22/12/2025 10:59

mcmuffin22 · 22/12/2025 10:43

A quick google shows that spoken vows are not necessary in a Jewish wedding.

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You're conflating vows (to love, cherish whatever) which are not legally mandatory in any wedding ceremony in the UK, with the declaratory and contractual words (no legal impediment; I take you) which are required for a marriage to be legal, per the law I linked in my previous post.

TheSmallAssassin · 22/12/2025 11:01

Rightsraptor · 22/12/2025 10:34

I'm struggling with this as it doesn't sound as though it complies with the law.

If you get the normal marriage certificate at the wedding, then the rabbi must be authorised conduct it i.e. a registrar. And, as such, there is an obligation to comply with the law.

There are obvious inherent dangers if the parties involved, and I'd say especially the bride, don't speak during the ceremony.

I can't understand why any group of people would not have to follow that.

Show quote history

There are apparently exemptions for Jewish and Quaker weddings under The Marriage Act of 1753, so those rules don't apply.

everdine · 22/12/2025 11:05

I had a civil partnership once they became legal for heterosexual couples. It was purely for legal reasons, in case one of us died. We didn’t have to say anything just sign the document.

Mt563 · 22/12/2025 11:05

TheSmallAssassin · 22/12/2025 11:01

There are apparently exemptions for Jewish and Quaker weddings under The Marriage Act of 1753, so those rules don't apply.

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Thanks. Appreciate the clarity, I didn't know that. I do find it uncomfortable personally that a women doesn't need to speak to be married.

NautilusLionfish · 22/12/2025 11:07

BeQuirkyMintScroller · 22/12/2025 07:30

All anyone can promise is to be honest.

Just the idea that you can promise to always feel a certain way no matter what life throws at you for the the rest of your life is insane. You cant really choose your feelings.

AIBU to think that the only vow should be:

"I will always be honest [with you about how I feel]"

and maybe a second one of

"I will not get angry with you for being honest"

I have been to lots of weddings that wildly promise feelings of forever and always. But then again I've never married so am not really qualified!

Mnetters experienced in love and war - AIBU?

I would fail on both those vows. There are times when am not honest about how I feel because am upset and feeling mean. If I say what am feeling then ital would be damaging. 30 mins later when am calm and rational I would feel completely different, sometimes the opposite. Same with never being angry because one is honest. If your partner came to you and said oh I had a ONS today or I gambled all our savings (being honest by telling you) you wouldn't be angry because you vowed not to be angry when she or he was honest?

Elsvieta · 22/12/2025 11:24

I don't think they do promise to always feel a certain way, do they? More like the opposite, really - you promise to stick with the person and care for them and be loyal and faithful etc, whatever you feel. Love is a doing word, as they say - "charity" is the word often seen in the bible where more modern translations say love. Love in the sense of stuff you do, not some romantic starry-eyed feeling (that sort of love barely gets a mention in the bible). Love like for children - even when you feel like you could strangle them, you don't - and you keep caring for them regardless, and you don't decide you don't want to be a parent any more and walk away. Regardless of the ups and downs of feelings, it's a commitment for life. When the wedding vows were first devised, there was no such thing as divorce - so it was the same with marriage. These days, divorce exists and we can decide for ourselves if we consider marriage to be for life, come what may. If we don't, non-religious marriage ceremonies, with different words, are an option.

Jellycatspyjamas · 22/12/2025 11:25

Didimum · 22/12/2025 08:23

They’re just symbolic words for sentiment of wedding day. Anyone is free to write their own (other than in certain venues), and it’s the couple that need to be happy with them, not the guests listening.

Edited

I don’t agree that they’re symbolic, they’re a commitment you make in front of witnesses that characterise the nature of the contract you’re entering into. The wedding ceremony used to say that marriage should be entered into solemnly, the vows are a high standard for how we relate to each other and may be aspirational in some aspects but when I said them, I meant every word.

BadgernTheGarden · 22/12/2025 11:29

It's called optimism, if you can't be optimistic on your wedding day, when can you?

And most people really believe it at the time and for some it does last forever.

ForFunGoose · 22/12/2025 11:30

We did traditional short vows
Better, worse, sickness, health, richer, poorer all the days of our lives.

28 years married (I’m 50)
Am glad we didn’t say anything more.
Some new vows are very performative imo

Jellycatspyjamas · 22/12/2025 11:34

HereforonedayonlytoavoidStrangerThingsspoilers · 22/12/2025 10:48

I agree OP! Traditional wedding vows are outdated nonsense and I think so many people don't understand them and therefore don't keep to them. So I just asked AI to write a modern version…

I, [Name], take you, [Name], to be my wife/husband and my favorite person—even when you are absolutely unbearable. From this day forward, I promise to choose you on the worst days: the days when we’re exhausted, irritated, overworked, under-caffeinated, and questioning every life decision that led us here. I vow to love you when we’re broke, stressed, sick, grumpy, or fighting over something deeply stupid. I promise to stay when things get hard, when we annoy each other, when one of us is clearly in the wrong but refuses to admit it. I vow to show up, to try, to grow, and yes—to keep my d*ck in my pants. I will love you, cherish you, and choose you again and again—even on the days when loving you is a conscious effort—for as long as we both shall live.

Edited

How is that in essence any different to the traditional vows? If people genuinely don’t understand the nature of the commitment they’re making in marriage, they shouldn’t be getting married.

RosesAndHellebores · 22/12/2025 11:40

We've done OK for 35 years. DH was the one who insisted on a church wedding. I thought it was about the frock and the party. However, when it came to it I was absolutely awed by the spirituality of the service, the blessing and the promises before God. It was very meaningful and felt unbreakable.

There began my relationship with faith and and journey as a practicing Christian.

Bloodyscarymary · 22/12/2025 11:44

As a young divorcee I have to say I agree - I cringe inside now at some of the self-written vows at weddings I attend (remembering my own fairly cringe ones!). For my next wedding I am going back to the basics - we will do the traditional vows, for better & worse etc (minus the bride’s “obey” part obviously). Much much less embarrassing 🤣

thebrollachan · 22/12/2025 11:45

SwedishEdith · 22/12/2025 10:42

I always think they're unrealistic, especially when you're at someone's second wedding. Massive generalisation, but I suspect more men than women really, really think about what the vows mean. Which makes me think they were written by men.

I agree. When I found out that my DH had been repeatedly unfaithful, I asked him what the point was in him making wedding vows. His answer: 'I wanted to make sure that you would be faithful'.

Bloodyscarymary · 22/12/2025 11:46

Jellycatspyjamas · 22/12/2025 11:34

How is that in essence any different to the traditional vows? If people genuinely don’t understand the nature of the commitment they’re making in marriage, they shouldn’t be getting married.

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Yes that is literally the traditional vows but with more embarrassing detail. For better for worse, richer and poorer, in sickness and health covers all of that!

JudgeBread · 22/12/2025 11:49

I wrote my own and I really meant them.

I do think a lot of people say them without really thinking about what they're promising, they just do it because it's the done thing/traditional/whatever.