DP cried when he found out his ex is engaged

[Wrando]

Hi, I’m not really sure how to feel about this.
DP and I have been together for 4 years, we have a baby boy together. DP almost never cries, maybe 2 times in the last 4 years and once was when we nearly broke up, another when a close friend passed away.

We both still follow our exes on social media (I know some would have an issue with this but it doesn’t bother me and I do the same). Tonight DP and I were relaxing watching tv when I noticed he was crying a little, I got worried and asked why. He was honest and said his ex had posted that she was engaged. I asked why this upset him and he told me he didn’t know and it wasn’t that he was sad it just made him emotional. I personally thought it was a bit of strange response but he said it’s just because they broke up because of her mental health and there was a time he wasn’t sure if she would even be alive 5 years later let alone engaged and happy. I get this being emotional, but he didn’t cry when his own son was born and is generally very stoic so it still felt out of character.

AIBU to be a bit freaked out by this?

Not unreasonable at all, this would trouble me too! But it sounds like you have a good relationship and its not unreasonable that he might still care about an old flame - I can certainly think of an old flame I still care about too. Try not to dwell on it. Easier said than done, I know, but I think focussing on it will just trouble you more and make it a bigger issue than it actually is.

Yes I think I’d be taken back by this too. But it sounds like he was open and honest with you, and his explanation sounds plausible. Maybe you could bring it up again tomorrow and explain your concerns, it’s likely you’ll feel better after a proper conversation.

I can see objectively why you are finding it distressing. The only thing I can advise is- I’ve witnessed and have been part of relationships that break up due to mental health. There is a profound grief there, because it’s not just a one off, it’s normally years of trauma for everyone involved. I can understand the reasoning but can see from the outside it’s hard if you haven’t lived the detail. I don’t know if this helps- my feelings around supporting a friend with complex mental health issues, are complex in themselves. It’s not as straightforward as the usual trajectory. If my friend came to happiness after the trauma of her MH crisis, I would probable cry too.

As someone who’s cared for someone with mental health problems I’d say his reaction was completely valid. His tears were probably a mix of relief and a flashback to how traumatic that time for him was.

It sounds kind of like tears of relief? Did he break up with her?

I do completely see why you're finding this hard and I would too, I think it definitely warrants a bigger conversation.

This.

Agree with this, I imagine he’s very relieved.

This is a more emotional time of year.
I think it is a good thing

He's honest about it and your relationship sound pretty normal and good overall, but I would feel conflicted about it too. YANBU, though I agree with other posters that it could also be a sign of relief, so nothing to actually worry about.

Sometimes emotions take you by surprise. I cried when I found out an ex's kid had a brain tumor. I hadn't spoken to him or his Mrs in donkeys years, we parted fairly amicably but it turned nasty some years later (when I discovered he was telling people all sorts of random and weird lies about me, I really could not understand why he'd bother)... So to find I was upset for them and their child beyond the normal 'oh thats sad' you'd expect on hearing a strangers child is unwell was a bit of a shock.

Its good he's honest with you, a more worrying response would be to hide how he feels and be a sullen, silent, grumpy twat toward you.

Everyone is quite entitled to react however they do.

Sometimes you just cannot put your finger on what the exact emotion is when seeing an ex has moved on.

When I found out my exh was getting remarried I had a similar reaction. And I cannot tell you for sure why. As I most certainly did not want to get back together with him.

Don't make a big issue about it. It doesn't mean he still has strong feelings for he, if that is what you may be thinking.

Caring for someone with mental health problems can be very traumatic. I suspect he is emotional because he is relieved and pleased she is well (apparently at least) and happy. It doesn’t sound like he is sad because she’s the one that got away.

I was wondering if it was more relief that she is well rather than anything else

@WiddlinDiddlin

Sometimes emotions take you by surprise

This.

I remember a woman telling me how she'd burst into tears in a meeting when something that was said chimed with how she and her exH had broken up. They'd been broken up for over 10 years, had a fairly amicable relationship and she rarely thought about him. She said she felt a muppet at the time, but it came completely out of the blue and she couldn't help it.

As other posters have said, the MH issues are likely at play as well.

Imagine being in touch with your emotions and then being open and honest about why and then also being called out as unreasonable...

MN is littered with truly awful men.
Yours is not one of them.
I am probably a fair bit older than you and I think you’ve got a good one.
It sounds at some point that this ex of his was suicidal. That must have been tough.
He’s had a reaction which is probably relief, and genuine joy that this woman is well and has found someone to share her life with.
He has not hidden this from you, but shared it with you.
We often assume our partners are madly in love with an ex if they show any sort of positive feelings towards them.
Life has taught me that’s not usually the case. A relationship can end, you can have a very secure relationship with someone else. But we are each entitled to remember relationships and the feelings that went along with them.
It is also a consequence of following an ex online - you are going to see what is going on for them. If you’d rather not know, then it’s best not to follow.
Men who hide everything are the ones who don’t deal with healthy emotions.
Yours has shown his, he’s not hidden them. He sounds like a good guy.

I don’t think it’s a big deal, he is clearly kind and compassionate. It’s refreshing to hear of a man who doesn’t feel the need to turn their ex into a demon who deserves nothing but hate!
Try not to twist this into something that threatens you or your relationship.
You have a keeper there 😊

This. I think he sounds like a lovely caring guy. It’s fine op. Unless there’s anything else to worry you. It’s not weird to be emotional.

Let the man have his feelings. Thank god he's the kind of person who can still care about a person's welfare even after he has ceased to love them. He's not crying because she's marrying someone else and not him, but for much more complicated reasons which neither he nor even you really understand.

Absolutely.

I'm usually the first to jump to assuming any man might be cheating or being a piece of shit. Experience makes one wary.

But this man sounds honest, sweet, caring, and I certainly would prefer this a billion times over to those ones who immediately turn on someone they supposedly loved for years and tell you she's a crazy bitch with no redeeming qualities.

I understand why it has freaked you out a bit. What he said has a ring of truth about it though. He may well have been carrying guilt around and he may not even have realised it, so the relief could be quite profound if this is the case.

I can understand why you are upset because you are equating crying to how much he cares. Emotions come with physical components and they come with messages we have to interpret, they aren't always the obvious and sometimes we don't know even within ourselves what they truly mean. I would guess your husband went through alot with this person and carried a lot of responsibility for them and probably guilt for leaving them if they were vulnerable, I really wonder if what he experienced was primarily relief and the letting go of the guilt, her being engaged sounds like a sign to him that she is 'ok' or that she is someone else's responsibility now, if you've always harboured a feeling that someone you broke off a relationship with might take their own life and then you discover they have moved on and are planning a future the release of burden must be immense. He may also care for her and be happy for her too which doesn't take away anything from you or your son. There will be many components to his reaction but there is one fact in your breakdown: he cried - that's it, the rest is interpretation/ beliefs/ opinions/ conjecture and not a given. I do understand why you might feel thrown but he is with you and he chose to leave her, I know we all want the security of an ex who our partner cares nothing about, cannot stand, has no attachment to but that's rare as they were together and in a relationship for a reason, I would focus on you and your reaction - what's going on for you here, why is this worrying for you? What are your emotions telling you?

It sounds more like relief that’s she’s ok rather than sadness that she’s no longer available.
i was a bit sad when exh had a baby with his gf not because i wanted to be him just because it is sad that we broke up our family and it is an adjustment to move on from that.

I understand why you’re concerned, it would throw me off too but I think he’s given you a very genuine reason for it.
I think it comes from a place of relief that she’s okay. He clearly felt a sense of responsibility there but now knowing she has a firm partner he’s happy to know she’s doing well. I don’t think he feels like he missed out.

Knowing he can be upset in front of you and then have an honest and up front discussion about it is actually great. It shows how comfortable he is with you and how strong your relationship is.

I would focus on the fact that he's been open and honest with you. Emotions can take you by surprise, its probably leftover sense of the worry & grief he experienced at the time.