To think that some women care more about their careers than their families and that this isn’t always a good thing?

[ThatRedBeaker]

Not trying to start a war but I’ve noticed a growing trend where some women (not all!) seem to put their career above everything, including their partner or kids. Obviously, everyone has the right to pursue success but I do wonder if there’s a point where it becomes too much. Like… is it unreasonable to think that some people might be prioritising the wrong things?

Genuinely curious what others think.

Yes but how much? I doubt if they are in wraparound care for 40/50 hrs per week they don’t get much time Monday-Friday.

Being around… when they were at school?

Our son is out 8-4 every day, I cannot “be around” for him during that time. Besides pick up when he’s poorly, which happens.

You can’t be available full time for kids who don’t need you to be.

You mean working parents can pick up their children from school/nursery when they are ill?

and here I thought they were just ignored with the way some pp's are going on. 🙄

Our son threw up all over his desk a few weeks ago, if only I’d know I could have just told them to keep him.

I was in a meeting at the time, could have saved myself the afternoon of vomit cleaning!

Honesty I have not seen this trend. I know many women who are very career focused and do it for their own ambition, not just to support children financially, but they are excellent mothers. One does not need to trump the other. I genuinely don't know of anyone that I feel has let the child's importance slip due to work.

What I have noticed however is career oriented women who are critical and sometimes really bitchy towards mothers who do not work, or work PT. This is only a minority but I see it here an awful lot and in my life a few times. I have not seem the same level of nastiness from SAHMs towards career mothers, there seems to be much more acceptance of their life choices.

What decade are you in? Never heard of flexible working? I’ve worked full time the entirety of my kids school lives (despite my DH being the one who works away, shock horror, I out earn my husband significantly…because I didn’t sideline myself) I’ve never had to put my kids in full time wraparound care.

It absolutely goes both ways.

I've had all sorts said about me because I dare to work full time.

Why bother having children
You don't even raise your children
Selfish
Materialistic

etc etc

Surely more time than what your DH spends with his children since he regularly works away?

For the sake of argument let’s say they are in childcare from 8am to 6pm, which is what I did (not through choice). I did it to put food on the table because my husband was an abusive alcoholic and I had to leave him but needed to pay the mortgage and support my child.

My daughter still had a couple of hours quality time with me; and it was quality time, every evening and all weekends. Did she have a good relationship with her childminder? Yes. Did she ever think her childminder was more important than me? Absolutely not. I was the one she wanted to be with and we are still incredibly close now, she’s nearly 15. By the time she was four she was at school she wouldn’t have had the chance of being with me anyway.

So we are effectively talking about a period of three years in which she saw me for a truncated number of hours per day.

My daughter is thriving: doing well at school, happy and with good friends. I am as sure as I can be that sacrificing a good career that sustained me a single mother and supported her would not have been worth a few extra hours of hanging around with her at home.

I’m not going to feel guilty about what I did, partly because I had no choice and also because she was very clearly unharmed by it. But leaving my personal feelings aside, I am not sure what evidence you are relying on to assert that the way I raised my daughter was inferior or inappropriate? I’m prepared to bet my house you don’t have any data to back up the idea that this is damaging.

So in fact all you are doing is bullying and guilt tripping women who have done what they need to do to support their children with half-baked, unsupported and highly emotive theories about what you think in the abstract is better for children.

So you’ll hopefully forgive me if I tell you don’t know what you’re talking about.

@SouthLondonMum22 yes I suspect it goes both ways alright. I've never had much of a career so probably haven't heard these comments. I'm also less likely to read stuff online about careers. It's sad isn't it, that people can't just accept each other's life choices.

I would never have put my career second to my DHs
My bra burning mother and aunts from the 70s would have been very unhappy
That does not mean I neglected my DC who are all very well adjusted 20 year olds with whom I have a great relationship

But this makes no sense.
It's accepted that men can do it
Why can't it be accepted that women can too? I don't see much negative discussion regarding men choosing their careers. They get applauded for "providing".
Is there a particular example thats irked you, or are you just bitter you can't have it all?
I have a career I'm still climbing in. I have a DH and a 3yo. Should I not be allowed to have all of those? How many can I choose? My DC is incredibly bright and happy. My family time is protected by boundaries and my relationship is thriving as we both contribute equally.
Dont compare men who "work hard" but contribute very little at home, to women who fight hard to be recognised at work and also hold it all together elsewhere.
They are not comparible situations.

That’s good you haven’t had to, but I think you’re naive to think that flexible working is the norm. There are still employers for operational reasons cannot offer flexible working or even condensed hours.

I never understand this argument as well about being parents being on stand by in case their ill.

So I'll give up my career and earning potential and the financial benefits it brings to our family just to hang about the house all day on the off chance my child might become ill from school/nursery and need picked up. Right.

Or I can do which is what both my parents did and what most parents do, is go to work and if they are ill, either my or my husband will go pick them up and take them home.

Why are you assuming I am naive? I’m in the civil service which hires half a million people and my set up is pretty standard in non operational roles. It’s pretty standard across my profession outside of the public sector also. I haven’t said anywhere that everyone has flexible working. But it’s not that rare. Heck even my police staff family members WFH!

I agree there are instances where women have no choice. I’ve never said it’s damaging. All I said was my children benefited from having me not working when they were younger.

It’s a ridiculous argument. Like anyone is sat at home like “I wonder if they’ll throw up today!”

That’s some very anxious parenting if they are.

Working parents are still there for their DC’s. Do you think working parents are not 100% making decisions about their DC’s lives and there for them?
It’s teamwork - DH’s and I have always both worked full time and have very successful careers. DC’s have benefited hugely from that - in role models and in the best nursery, schooling and university that money can provide. They have travelled around the world and had a huge range of experiences.

Some women are indeed snippy and judgemental about SAHMs. I have seen some really nasty posts.

But as @SouthLondonMum22 says it works both ways. The classic of the genre is “Why did you bother having children to farm them out to childcare?”

And lets not forget this thread was started by someone claiming that working mums “prioritise careers over their families”.

@Scottishlassie10

Right…so what do you think should happen then….mum goes on benefits or puts herself in the VERY precarious position of being dependant on a man??! Sounds pretty shit to me…

In some ways, the more successful you are, the more flexibility you can negotiate. I was a sahm for years...now I work full time but I don't have a successful career...just a job. I don't get much flexibility because lots of people could do my job. The higher your worth, the more you can negotiate I think.

Stable childhoods don't come as well from parents being around 24/7. They come from children knowing their parents love them, care for them, nurture them and keep them safe. Working parents provide this just as much as stay at home parents.

Both my parents worked and I could not have asked for more better loving parents or a happier childhood. And I'm immensely proud of my everything my mum achieved in her career, she was a fantastic role model for me growing up.

I’d assume, she believes women should rely on men financially.

Couldn’t be me. Ever.

How can you know that though? You can’t, because you didn’t go out to work so there’s no counterfactual. I could happily claim that my child benefited from me working but again I can’t know that. Its my prejudice against yours.

The difference is you had a choice and I didn’t.

"help out" is such a strange phrase to use in relation to your own home and family. Reminds me of when men are described as hands on parents