To be annoyed about the guy who took his top off in a roomful of women?

[naturenaturenature]

I belong to a community choir and we had our Christmas concert recently. There was a room set aside for us to put our bags and coats in. It was a small room and jam packed after the concert with people collecting their bags.

The make up of the choir is predominantly middle aged and older women with a small number of men.

After the concert finished, we all went to the room to retrieve our bags. When I walked in, one of the men was standing in the corner with his top off and he didn't seem to be in a rush to put one back on. No one else was getting changed.

AIIBU to think it was out of order for him to do that? I feel I want to report him as I'm just sick of men doing shit like this. I've had more than my fair share of poor treatment of every kind over the years and I'm absolutely sick of it. If he wanted to get changed he should have gone to the toilet. I felt very uncomfortable. I didn't feel he was any kind of threat but just WHY? No one was impressed.

AIBU to report him to the choir leader?

That’s what I mean, I would expect to see a potentially topless man in that place.

But presumably he did put another top on rather than walking out like that. He was probably cooling off first.

The mocking comments are not directed at the trauma experienced. OP didn’t disclose that until well into the thread. As I said before, it’s very sad that anyone has to endure this kind of trauma. It’s not acceptable to project that trauma onto others.

And other people, including the man concerned, would be completely unaware of any past trauma.

You are being absolutely ridiculous.

The gaslighters are always first on these threads OP.

He was trying to impose himself and you already know that. Trust yourself and don't pay attention to the resident handmaidens.

Exactly. I think OP has made a snap judgement of someone she clearly doesn’t know well, and while it’s very sad that her own past trauma is at the root of it, it’s her responsibility to make sure that she gets appropriate help so that she’s not continually triggered by these things. This man could well just have been changing out of his choir clothing because he had somewhere else to go straight after the concert. Past trauma is not a club to beat others over the head with.

Friday night, my husband and I were invited to friends of his Xmas party. I didn't know many people there (sport related) but it was a majority of middle class well behaved couples in their 50/60.

All quite quiet. Then they put some music on and after a few drinks, a couple of women started to get a bit louder, in your face, borderline flirty with the men. They got up to dance and one who had a VERY low cut top was jumping in such a way that you could just about see all of her breasts.

It was quite indecent and inappropriate but nobody seemed to behave like they were highly offended or annoyed, and I very much doubt any of the men will have still be thinking about it the next day, feeling the need to express their annoyance at how offensive it was...

It really depends on how good his body was though doesn't it?
Now that is offensive. Can try imagine the married in my scenario saying that it would have been OK fir the woman to be jumping around showing her breast, that it would been okay if she'd had a nice pair (rather than what it a really was).

This growing double standard trend is doing women no favours at all 😔

What handmaidens ? Read back through OP’s posts. She started off by saying he was in the corner of the crowded room. When that didn’t get the expected response, suddenly he was in the middle of the room. And what’s her explanation - she’s had past trauma at the hands of men and this kind of thing is triggering. That’s her own problem, not that of others.

This.

It wouldn’t bother me at all. I’d find it very easy to ignore him completely. He wouldn’t get any attention from me

They might go into the corner of the room where they might assume women wouldn't look - which is what this man did. Op looked.

Gaslighters?

Where?

OMG he was in the CORNER of the room. I said in the middle without thinking about it and it was probably more a figure of speech! Also I'm not directing my trauma at anyone! I was just checking if I was being over the top. I've not been rude to anyone here despite some really grim comments from some of you. I'm NOT traumatised! I just felt a tiny bit uncomfortable and then wondered if it was reasonable behaviour. That's it!

I couldn't NOT look! He was right next to where my bag was and no, it wasn't a pretty sight.

100 years ago a woman in trousers would be called silly and inappropriate

Times change

just turn your back then

You knew he was taking ages, you were looking

Some people are so sensitive

He was just changing his top

He wasn't posturing or posing

Men existing isn't them trying to assume they own a room

MN is ridiculous at times

Handmaidens is used to shut women up the same as Karen is

It should be considered an insult the same

Your first post states you were very uncomfortable, and the corner of the room.

Then it’s the middle and a tiny bit uncomfortable.

You keep changing the situation, which is odd.

Is the tiny bit uncomfortable another mistake?

Turn your back?

Or leave the packed tiny room?

You are being ridiculous. And you should not post in AIBU if you are not prepared for people telling you that you are being unreasonable.

Femcel is a term - perhaps you should google it (as I didn't invent it).

It's been used in the media for several years now, in a variety of ways - yes, mainly around misandry or man hating.

It's used here in The Guardian, if you need an example:
https://www.theguardian.com/world/2024/dec/29/welcome-to-the-femosphere-the-latest-dark-toxic-corner-of-the-internet-for-women

That article states that the term "femcel" was coined by one Loughborough university cultural studies professor and used in a single paper (and not used to mean feminist or female celibate but rather the opposite, women calling themselves "dark feminine influencers" who advocate for women using sex as currency). The article claims that "the femosphere" is a toxic equivalent to "the manosphere", and which multiple culture and gender studies academics have written about - but not that the term femcel has taken off (it doesn't even mean what the contraction implies so presumably the Dr Kay chose it to spark discussion rather than for it's accuracy...).

I've never seen a MN post suggesting a woman use sex as currency or get a sugar daddy to give her an allowance - that's what the article says femcels advocate.