To be annoyed about the guy who took his top off in a roomful of women?

[naturenaturenature]

I belong to a community choir and we had our Christmas concert recently. There was a room set aside for us to put our bags and coats in. It was a small room and jam packed after the concert with people collecting their bags.

The make up of the choir is predominantly middle aged and older women with a small number of men.

After the concert finished, we all went to the room to retrieve our bags. When I walked in, one of the men was standing in the corner with his top off and he didn't seem to be in a rush to put one back on. No one else was getting changed.

AIIBU to think it was out of order for him to do that? I feel I want to report him as I'm just sick of men doing shit like this. I've had more than my fair share of poor treatment of every kind over the years and I'm absolutely sick of it. If he wanted to get changed he should have gone to the toilet. I felt very uncomfortable. I didn't feel he was any kind of threat but just WHY? No one was impressed.

AIBU to report him to the choir leader?

I would expect to see people possibly changing clothes in a cloakroom.

If he stood in the middle of the room, yes. But if he was in the corner of a fully packed room* I doubt you'd even see him.

*this is how Op has described the room.

Why not? It's not a part of the body normally considered indecent. Do you take the same attitude to women in backless dresses?

When we start policing inoffensive parts of the body, we get perilously close to demanding that everyone wear a niqab, or that women stop breastfeeding.

You said he was in the corner. Now you say the middle. You have no credibility in asserting it was an act of male dominance when you have to change the story to create the fuss you want.

Whether you like it or not, there are different social norms for men and women. He did nothing wrong.

When someone exhibits certain behaviour that we notice, it's often all about the context. It's hard to express in writing anyway when there's a gut feeling that something is 'off', but your ability to pattern match is saying that something was off. We are taught to ignore or dismiss this intelligence, often to be proved right later when more comes out into the open.

Um, a choir isn't a beach. Everyone else managed to remain clothed.

This.

I don't know why people are falling over themselves to ridicule you for being irritated about a creep.

A middle aged man (my age) did this standing next to my daughter (I was on the other side of her) at a concert recently! Between opening band and main act he came and stood at the back where wecwere, pulled off t-shirt and jumper, got another t-shirt out of a shopping bag and stood looking around - he then tried to engage her in conversation before finishing putting his fresh t-shirt back on. No it wasn't "frightening" or "threatening" but it was creepy and low level exhibitionism. She told him she didn't want to talk to him and he was quite put put, so obviously we swapped places and I angled my back to him.

YANBU to find this man's behaviour socially inappropriate, boundary testing and and irritating. Decent men wouldn't do it and would think it weird, given the context.

We don't know that, do we? She says she was only in a very crowded room for a few minutes, during which she was busy getting her own stuff.

I agree OP, unnecessary for this man to stand around like that. It’s not a beach, not a fitting room, not a changing room at the gym or pool, it is a room to store everyone’s items for the choir, a hobby which I assume is a clothes-on activity. He should change in a bathroom.

No, it was posted before.

What an idiotic thing your friend said. Even the 'word' femcel is nonsensical. Incel is a contraction of 'involuntarily celibate' (with the further implication that women owe such men sex - this is a term used by some men to self-describe, it's not controversial!). What would 'femcel' mean? 😂

MN is one of the last public forums in the UK where women are apparently allowed to stand up for women's rights. Imagine that - letting women vocalise and advocate for their own safety and dignity! Shocking. I think your journalist friend has got that confused with unwarranted misandry. Hope this helps.

Because in our society the prohibition on showing parts of the body normally applies to primary or secondary sexual characteristics. The top half of men's bodies doesn't come within that category.

You are being ridiculous.
Very ridiculous.

There’s still a lot more people objecting to women breastfeeding in public , than men being topless in public. You’re fighting the wrong battle mate.

Good job you don’t do any sports men taking their kit off in public down to their pants to get changed was a regular. Not like he got his dinky out.

But why is this context so unacceptable? As has been pointed out, people undertaking this sort of activity where they have to wear uniform commonly change once the activity is over, and there may not be enough by way of toilet facilities available to enable them to do it there. All we know about this incident is that this man had a bare chest for a few minutes, not that he was parading it about for a long time.

Errm, since forever? Have you ever been to a seaside town on a hot day?

I didn't suggest every women does feel anxious about this; clearly they don't . I was responding to a post about those women who do.

Then this was not isolated. He is a creep. Has he ever touched you without your permission?

I think the poster feels uncomfortable because she has noticed him making a beeline for the younger members of the choir and hugging just them. He may just give a bad vibe. I noticed that as well @Jacopo. it’s patterns of behaviour that whilst as an individual act seem harmless all added up over time show a boundary pusher.

I need more info. Did he take a while because he was rummaging in his bag, applying deodorant, changing his shoes etc? Or was he striking a pose and waiting for admiration?
If he had his top off for a good length of time, he must of been doing something surely? Not just posing?
The frequent hugging of one particular, younger female, sounds a bit grim.
I'm willing to accept that he may be giving off vibes generally, that add to your discomfort OP.
A quick change of top, minding his own business in the corner, would not offend me.
If he was posing, I'd find it ridiculously funny and might say something like " Ah away man Jim, you'll put us off our lunch". I'm amazed no one took the mick - is it a very stuffy crowd?

A group of people in a cloakroom after a concert is not a choir. You don't know whether anyone else changed, do you, as you weren't there and OP was only there a few minutes and was busy during that period.

You think there aren't that many men who are topless in public? You really need to open your eyes, especially in the summer and round building sites.

If l had the Hubble telescope at my disposal I still couldn’t find my interest in this non issue.

If he was just changing his top quickly then I wouldn't have thought anything of it. The room was small as I have said before. You couldn't miss him. It wasn't a changing area. No women were taking off clothing. No other men were in there. It seemed out of place.