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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed about the guy who took his top off in a roomful of women?

387 replies

naturenaturenature · 21/12/2025 06:47

I belong to a community choir and we had our Christmas concert recently. There was a room set aside for us to put our bags and coats in. It was a small room and jam packed after the concert with people collecting their bags.

The make up of the choir is predominantly middle aged and older women with a small number of men.

After the concert finished, we all went to the room to retrieve our bags. When I walked in, one of the men was standing in the corner with his top off and he didn't seem to be in a rush to put one back on. No one else was getting changed.

AIIBU to think it was out of order for him to do that? I feel I want to report him as I'm just sick of men doing shit like this. I've had more than my fair share of poor treatment of every kind over the years and I'm absolutely sick of it. If he wanted to get changed he should have gone to the toilet. I felt very uncomfortable. I didn't feel he was any kind of threat but just WHY? No one was impressed.

AIBU to report him to the choir leader?

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 21/12/2025 10:03

OP I am with you, it was boundary breaking and entitled.

EatYourDamnPie · 21/12/2025 10:06

GoodQueenWenceslaus · 21/12/2025 09:58

You think there aren't that many men who are topless in public? You really need to open your eyes, especially in the summer and round building sites.

Show quote history

There are. Too many in fact. People just don’t object to it as much , which is what I was saying. Defending Dave’s right to be topless in Tesco , doesn’t help breastfeeding women in any shape , way or form. Just increases Dave’s entitlement to whip his top of anywhere, anytime because it’s not the same and “perfectly socially acceptable behaviour “ I think you said. Is it fuck.

NewGoldFox · 21/12/2025 10:08

I don’t think it would be unreasonable to complain. It’s not generally socially acceptable to be topless and it’s a small shared space.

Original poster
naturenaturenature · 21/12/2025 10:09

@RedToothBrush believe me I have problems way worse than this! At no point have I made this into a drama. I don't understand what you're saying? I have merely asked a question which is what Mumsnet is here for. No one mentioned anything about a major drama! Also don't make assumptions that my life is all straightforward.

OP posts:
Original poster
naturenaturenature · 21/12/2025 10:11

@jeaux90 thank you for understanding.

OP posts:
BeKhakiReader · 21/12/2025 10:17

I was once in a classroom with a male colleague who wanted to quickly change his top, to go and play football after school. He asked if I minded if he quickly changed and I said no problem, and turned my back.

That’s respectful and I agree that this bloke in your choir should have at the absolute maximum turned into the corner and speedily swapped his top. Why do some men think women want to have sustained access to their dad bods?!

Chocolatemasculinity · 21/12/2025 10:19

I’m a man. I understand that you were uncomfortable with that behaviour and you do not need to explain further. Men that feel the need to show off their body’s like this are generally plonkers at best.

RanchRat · 21/12/2025 10:20

I think he was being a bit of a showy off cunt.

Nanny0gg · 21/12/2025 10:22

naturenaturenature · 21/12/2025 06:58

@crowmate yes I agree. I would worry that he would think I was being ridiculous!

Um...

He wouldn't be wrong

BarrysTeaForMe · 21/12/2025 10:23

I also understand what you're saying, op.
I've played in concerts with choirs for years and nobody has needed to strip off and stay half dressed in the rehearsal room/adjacent space. It's not like you get too hot from singing. It's bizarre, entitled and provocative behaviour.

Rosscameasdoody · 21/12/2025 10:30

AorticValve · 21/12/2025 09:39

You said he was in the corner. Now you say the middle. You have no credibility in asserting it was an act of male dominance when you have to change the story to create the fuss you want.

Whether you like it or not, there are different social norms for men and women. He did nothing wrong.

Show quote history

This. OP said upthread she didn’t want to report it for fear of being thought ridiculous, so she clearly realises it is ridiculous. It wasn’t a women only space and he didn’t indecently expose himself. He was in a corner, changing his top.

Moveoverdarlin · 21/12/2025 10:31

You see in this scenario I think I would think exactly as a man would if he saw a woman with his top off and I would have a good look. I would think ‘Blimey Pete’s taken his top off’. Then depending on the state of Pete’s physique I would think any one of the following….

*Oooh Pete’s in quite good shape!
*Pete should lay off the mince pies
*In his day I bet Pete did well for himself
*Errrgh I couldn’t shag Pete
*Bloody hell he could do with a bit of fake tan on that pasty Dad bod.

I don’t think I’d feel remotely uncomfortable, especially in a packed room. If he was in a uniform top and this happened in the last week, the chances are he went on to have Christmas drinks somewhere else and was um….changing his top?

Rosscameasdoody · 21/12/2025 10:35

BarrysTeaForMe · 21/12/2025 10:23

I also understand what you're saying, op.
I've played in concerts with choirs for years and nobody has needed to strip off and stay half dressed in the rehearsal room/adjacent space. It's not like you get too hot from singing. It's bizarre, entitled and provocative behaviour.

OP didn’t say anything about being hot. She said he was changing out of choir uniform. It’s the run up to Christmas, and he may have been going somewhere else straight after the concert.

Medexpert · 21/12/2025 10:35

Was he acti g like plunker? maybe
Lookingvfir female attention, maybe.

What is a bit strange is that it annoyed you enough to linger in your thoughts.

People, young, older, male, female, do things for attention all the time. It's part of life. Having a quick 'WTF' thought is current, but last a few seconds and that's that. Why has this affected tou such that it looks like it turned into resentful anger?

LiveToTell · 21/12/2025 10:37

naturenaturenature · 21/12/2025 06:58

@crowmate yes I agree. I would worry that he would think I was being ridiculous!

That’s because you are 😂

BarrysTeaForMe · 21/12/2025 10:39

'Op didn't say anything about being hot'.
She indicated that it wasn't a quick change of clothes.

Clara27 · 21/12/2025 10:41

AbbaCadaBra · 21/12/2025 09:33

You are not the dress police. It is not to your and your daughter's taste so don't dress like that and leave other people alone. Fashions change.

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Leave other people alone? I don't understand who I'm not leaving alone. Are we not all giving our opinion? You do seem to be quite defensive. Dress police is funny though...

Nearly50omg · 21/12/2025 10:43

Next time he does something like this call him out on it loudly and laugh and say put your moobs away Wayne! No one wants to see that and laugh - he’s doing it for attention or to make women feel uncomfortable. Make him feel uncomfortable and very clear that you don’t appreciate his shit

Clara27 · 21/12/2025 10:43

GoodQueenWenceslaus · 21/12/2025 09:47

Because in our society the prohibition on showing parts of the body normally applies to primary or secondary sexual characteristics. The top half of men's bodies doesn't come within that category.

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context is key though and etiquette is a thing

CharlieEffie · 21/12/2025 10:43

He was stood in the corner so your assumption that he was wanting you all to look at him doesnt really fit. Yes he could have gone to the toilet but honestly most men wouldn't even consider that, nothing malicious. He wasnt butt naked in the middle of the room windmilling everyone as they walked in

dointhebestwecan · 21/12/2025 10:46

I’m with you OP. He’s an arse. The responses on here reflect the reason why these men get away with pushing women’s boundaries - and worse.

NotMySkill · 21/12/2025 10:47

Someone has disclosed past trauma and explained why the topless man upset her so much. Some of the responses here are mean, mocking and reek of a lack of emotional intelligence. It’s possible to disagree robustly without being bitchy.

Rosscameasdoody · 21/12/2025 10:47

BarrysTeaForMe · 21/12/2025 10:39

'Op didn't say anything about being hot'.
She indicated that it wasn't a quick change of clothes.

No, she said he was standing with his top off, and she thought he was wanting the women to look at him. That’s her interpretation, not fact. It wasn’t the choir room or an adjacent space, it was the cloakroom. If he had somewhere else to go it’s perfectly reasonable for him to change out of his choir top. Interesting that in a crowded room OP was looking art him for long enough to clock that his top was off for some time. Also interesting was the fact that she initially said he was in a corner of that crowded room. When it didn’t get the desired outrage, suddenly that changed to the middle of the room.

Clara27 · 21/12/2025 10:48

GoodQueenWenceslaus · 21/12/2025 09:37

Why not? It's not a part of the body normally considered indecent. Do you take the same attitude to women in backless dresses?

When we start policing inoffensive parts of the body, we get perilously close to demanding that everyone wear a niqab, or that women stop breastfeeding.

Show quote history

you're going way off topic here. i don't think anyone has said a mans chest is indecent. or a woman in a backless dress. or a breastfeeding woman. claiming that we're perilously close to demanding everyone wear a niqab is a tad dramatic. being topless in an inappropriate setting is what we're talking about

ContentedAlpaca · 21/12/2025 10:48

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 21/12/2025 09:51

Good job you don’t do any sports men taking their kit off in public down to their pants to get changed was a regular. Not like he got his dinky out.

I do sports where women are usually very much in the minority.
On considering how I would feel about the topless man at the choir and the reasonability of his behaviour, I compared his behaviour with how the men involved in this sport would behave. The men I know would be much more discrete about changing their top.