To be sick and tired of being asked where I am from

[Playdoughy]

Just that really.
I am not from the UK, I've lived here a good portion of my life, my child was born here, my husband is also not from the UK (different country than me), and every single time everywhere - restaurants, get-togethers, parties we are invited to, standing in a queue, riding a bus, paying for a book in a bookshop - I really do mean everywhere and every single time - we both get asked where are we from - nicely and in a friendly manner ofcourse.

Now, to be clear - I am proud of where I am from, I don't mind talking about my country, a lot of beautiful things to say. I also don't expect people to assume I am from around here - I am aware of my accent 😁 so it's not like I am 'offended' that I am recognised as a foreigner...
I am just simply tired of the one and the same conversation every single time, day after day, all these years. If after my response I get - 'ah interesting I was wondering about accent' - fine, topic finished. But 90 percent of the time this goes into full conversation - Oh interesting, so what about xyz, how is xyz, do you xyz, how do you xyz.

When people engage into these conversations - does it really never cross their mind that this poor person you are about to interrogate about their roots probably gets that same question all the time and maybe just maybe is tired of it.
How about a good old weather themed conversation? Or asking about where I bought my bag, or recommend a movie, or simply rant about the ridiculous prices... anything but - 'so where are you from?'
And yes I know that the default answer to my post may be - 'If you don't mind me asking but - where are you from?' It is not even funny anymore.

Also is there anything I could potentially do to communicate that these questions are not exactly welcomed, without being rude or sounding like I am trying to hide something or being a weirdo.

I find that ridiculous and won't be abiding by these rules 😂

Well we can't tell you how to act, just continue in your ignorant ways then.

100%

Firstly, nobody is tone deaf simply for refusing to submit to your perceived authority on this subject.

Secondly, nobody is forcing or even expecting you to share any personal information you don't want to share.

Thirdly, absolutely nobody on this thread has said anything to suggest they'd be unwilling to drop any subject that another party in a conversation has told them they'd rather not discuss. Multiple people, myself included, have in fact repeatedly made clear that we would always do so. But we are unwilling to have a small and unreasonable minority dictate how we interact with other new people when there is absolutely no definition of racism that would ever stretch to including a question like Where are you from? Especially when the vast majority of the population find it an enjoyable and inoffensive conversation, regardless of how triggering for personal reasons a small number might find the topic. In fact, there was a legal ruling this year that rules that the question is not racist; the judge emphasized the importance of refusing to encourage hypersensitivity

We have also repeatedly pointed out that more or less everything you say has the capacity to upset or offend someone and nobody can know in advance where another person's sore points are. People need to behave like adults and tell others if there's something they'd rather not share.

And YES, most of us LOVE to be asked this question back, even if we're just from Liverpool or the Black Country, as evidenced many times over by what people from a variety of different backgrounds have written on this thread. This is exactly what a two way conversation normally looks like and how friendships and connections are made between people open to sharing their personal experiences and hoping to learn new things about the world and each other. If you're not open to sharing any personal information, then why attend social events? It's totally unreasonable to expect people to spend their limited time and money attending events that entail having insignificant and boring conversations over and over again. Why would anyone regularly waste time and money doing something that your own description acknowledges isn't even enjoyable? It's not polite, it's totally irrational.

I think different people are discussing different situations. I have said in other posts I'm not talking about random interactions when going about your day to day business - personally I don't engage anyone on any subject in these instances and would prefer if others didn't try to engage me. It's social situations I'm talking about specifically as others have expressed that they think this is a rude or even racist question in social situations with new people. I think that's crazy. Obviously if you're already friends you're going to know where someone is from and this is usually going to be true of acquaintances too.

He probs got asked it too

Absolutely you can't tell me how to act - thank god for that! If a small number of controlling people see me as ignorant for standing up to them I can live with that.

This comment reminds me why I am so glad I left the UK!

But Where are you from? IS just harmless conversation. There is absolutely nothing racist or offensive about it in the majority of situations and a legal ruling has now made that case law from what I understand. Again, people can say they'd rather not discuss it if they'd rather not discuss it and nobody on this thread has suggested they would force anyone to reveal anything they didn't want to. To compare this to sexist men complaining that they can't make sexual comments about women's bodies is genuinely ridiculous.

If someone is unable to understand a simple written text - how can I expect them to have any ability to pick up the signs when I am trying to kindly deflect a topic they keep pressing on.

Clearly the author did not say that 'where are you from' equates to inappropriate sexual comments!! The author was simply noticing that some people here show similar level of "I don't really care how other side may feel about my question because it is just a smalltalk (in the other case banter), I am just making a conversation, how am I supposed to start a conversation (in other case how am I supposed to approach women)."

Also are you generally unable to pick up cues in a conversation and stop hammering a topic, does someone really need to bluntly tell you "I don't want to talk about it/discuss it" in the middle of a conversation? If you get to a point when a person actually uses that sentence - this means they've already used up the subtle ways of trying to shift the conversation away from something that is unpleasant.
So don't be offended when someone calls you tone-deaf.
Or as a couple of people here suggested - it may be just manners 🤷🏼‍♀️ (good thing about it is that it can be learnt - in case one is receptive to learning).

This is a great way to do it and hopefully cut the conversation short or move it on. You don’t have to be interrogated about your background every time you’re out. You don’t owe strangers an explanation even if they are doing it out of curiosity.

Why do you assume that only people born in the UK would ask this? (Actually probably it's those that are not who ask more often)

I am British Asian, born in the UK, Lindon accent. 100% of the time I get asked where Im from its from other Asians. Normally recent migrants.My children are mixed race. They apparently look Turkish, Kurdish, Iranian, Pakistani, South American ( various) and have only been asked where they are from by people of those nationalities.

How many friendships and connections have you formed after asking a complete stranger in a shop or at a bus stop where they are from?

I disagree, I think this is exactly what was implied whether the poster admits it or tries to backtrack. I'm not massively offended by the weird accusations - I just think they're bonkers and controlling.

I have not disregarded your trauma or feelings as unimportant at all. The point that myself and others are making is that they're not a good enough reason to start shaming or pressuring people to police their conversation style to the level some on the thread deem necessary. And as I've pointed out, I believe we now have case law in England that backs this up. I agree with the judge that ruled that as a society we must absolutely discourage hypersensitivity of this degree because it is genuinely dangerous.

And again, as asked many times before, to no avail, please provide a list of alternative questions that are guaranteed to never cause offence or make anyone uncomfortable in a social setting and that actually lead to a conversation with some mileage that won't bore people to the extent that the opportunity for connection is lost (so not the weather or where's your coat from?). Nobody has yet managed to do this despite the question being asked by multiple posters multiple times.

I will point out that I'm disabled to let you know what you're up against. Some people in the disabled and benefit recipient community consider the questions "What do you do?" and "How are you?" to be highly offensive or inappropriate. On one thread about this there was a very vocal minority who were more or less arguing for people to see these as some sort of hate crime. This is terrifying and wrong as these are not extreme or offensive questions - they are on a similar level to "Where do you come from?" and if people cannot freely converse on this very basic and ordinary level without the fear of accusations of racism/ableism/othering/shunning/social exclusion then something has gone badly wrong.

Finally, my point about people being clear when someone is uncomfortable with a topic is not about failing to pick up on social cues - it's just a sensible and reasonable suggestion for ending a conversation quickly if what your doing isn't working rather than trying to ban others from asking the question in the first place. I've never had any problems myself with this question. Everyone I've encountered has been warm and enthusiastic when engaging with it. But we maybe move in very different circles.

Oh my goodness Use Your Words then! Say "I don't want to tell you where I'm from, it's a very difficult thing for me to talk about". If they keep pushing it because they're just soooooo interested in you, you magical and unique creature - THEN you can be justified in being offended and huffy.

But carry on using 'subtle cues' and 'deflecting' and expecting people to telepathically 'pick up on signs' that you're too precious to be spoken to - and then accuse them of being tone-deaf? That's just pathetic and attention seeking. Grow up and tell people directly from the outset that you're not up for discussing it.

@afatatha @Idono Like it or not, we’re at a point where people need to do a bit of thinking. Asking someone where they’re from might feel harmless, and yes mostly it's coming from an innocent place, but it’s often exhausting, particularly when it comes from a white person towards a non white person.

Can you see that there is a power dynamic in that? People often miss it because white people are rarely asked to justify their belonging, that is the privilege.

I won't say that because in my case it is not very difficult (you can go back to my original post), I just think I don't owe everyone under the sun (particularly strangers) answers about my background.
Saying things like 'I don't think it's any of your business' to strangers who are just trying to be friendly and have smalltalk (because we all agreed that is usually the driver) would be extremely rude of me. And this is why it is important for people to understand basics of social interactions (yes even the subtle hints and cues - they are there to avoid unpleasant situations).
(Btw I also imagine that anyone who finds this topic indeed very difficult and traumatic doesn't want to necessarily share that with total strangers.)

Sorry - so every single time you step out of the house and speak - people ask where you are from? Every single time? That’s weird.

Stop making about colour, it never was about that so trying to shoehorn it in is desperate. There's no power dynamic, you're flailing wildly.

I am white, I get asked all the time. It's not about being asked to justify my belonging and there's no problem. If you have one, then YOU have one - and it is for no one to get over but you.

Don't say it then and continue to whine.

You are being unreasonable, there's to answer to your OP - I know you don't like to hear that, but I thought I'd say it directly because you don't seem to be picking up on the subtle clues I'm vaguely hinting at.

It's not up to other people to respond to needs you deliberately won't declare. You are not special.

It happens to everyone. People are just really nosey and interested.

E.g. tall people get asked about how tall they are. Professions get asked the same questions over and over.

I’m afraid it’s just part of life. People are curious. You could always change the subject, deflect away from you and ask where they are from and interview them? People love to talk about themselves.

I feel your replies to the OP have become quite aggressive, and at times seem to misinterpret what she’s actually saying. You’ve repeated your disagreement several times already, so I’m not sure why the tone has escalated simply because she doesn’t share your view. It seems as though she’s being pressured or shamed for how she feels, rather than simply disagreeing with her.

Yes, God help the op if she has kids and stangers ask how old they are or even worse when pregnant they ask 'how far along are you' .

Where are you from?
Bexley.
No, where are you really from?

The first answer isn’t a vague hint. It’s a clear and perfectly acceptable answer. The second quesTion shouldn’t happen , and I don’t care if you think I’m whiny.

Also, I don’t care how friendly and sociable you think it is, interrupting people going about their day and asking them that without even a hello or excuse me is just plain rude.