To be sick and tired of being asked where I am from

[Playdoughy]

Just that really.
I am not from the UK, I've lived here a good portion of my life, my child was born here, my husband is also not from the UK (different country than me), and every single time everywhere - restaurants, get-togethers, parties we are invited to, standing in a queue, riding a bus, paying for a book in a bookshop - I really do mean everywhere and every single time - we both get asked where are we from - nicely and in a friendly manner ofcourse.

Now, to be clear - I am proud of where I am from, I don't mind talking about my country, a lot of beautiful things to say. I also don't expect people to assume I am from around here - I am aware of my accent 😁 so it's not like I am 'offended' that I am recognised as a foreigner...
I am just simply tired of the one and the same conversation every single time, day after day, all these years. If after my response I get - 'ah interesting I was wondering about accent' - fine, topic finished. But 90 percent of the time this goes into full conversation - Oh interesting, so what about xyz, how is xyz, do you xyz, how do you xyz.

When people engage into these conversations - does it really never cross their mind that this poor person you are about to interrogate about their roots probably gets that same question all the time and maybe just maybe is tired of it.
How about a good old weather themed conversation? Or asking about where I bought my bag, or recommend a movie, or simply rant about the ridiculous prices... anything but - 'so where are you from?'
And yes I know that the default answer to my post may be - 'If you don't mind me asking but - where are you from?' It is not even funny anymore.

Also is there anything I could potentially do to communicate that these questions are not exactly welcomed, without being rude or sounding like I am trying to hide something or being a weirdo.

I genuinely don’t mind the curiosity, it’s when it veers into thinking I can speak for ‘Americans’ when I get fed up. ‘Wow, why did you vote for xyz?’ ‘Why do you have so many guns?’ Etc. And lately, lots go to ‘how did you get in and what visa’ themed.

I am very, very polite and I answer what I can and deflect where I can as I am very conscious of being a guest and wanting to make people comfortable but there can be a tone to some of these interactions that is confrontational instead of curious and that’s not always pleasant.

I hear you. My kids are quite unique looking and look different from me, so I used to have the same conversation about that almost every day of my life and sometimes multiple times a day when they were little kids. It got so boring.

The only solution I found was to turn my “resting b*tch face” up to max.

Where have I said or established that everyone has the same experience as me ?!?
The whole point of starting this topic was for me to check AIBU!!
Asking AIBU is cleary starting from the point where I am questioning if my feelings/perceptions are common/correct/considered sensible.

Why are you trying to paint everyone with the same brush, most of the people on the thread have been very inclusive of different perspectives and experiences (not you, but most have).

Doesn't change the fact that she doesn't owe people answers to their questions.

Arguably people fleeing war torn countries are more privileged even than those who move for work. The gain is certainly of greater significance - gaining life and safety vs risk of death and harm being greater than mere economic improvement. Indeed, I believe that the Jewish contingent who arrived fleeing Nazi persecution were in fact very clear that they appreciated the sanctuary. If they spent their time whingeing about the nature of English Chat I have never heard of it - and there was significant anti semitism in England at that time.

If you are unable to recognise your privilege you can’t. It’s another form of privilege, isn’t it, pretending you don’t have it? Good for you. I do acknowledge mine and do not expect every human being I meet to conform to my unreasonable personal shibboleths. I tend to think people being chatty is a good thing.

And in answer to ‘if it’s all right for me it’s all right for everyone’ - yes, unless you are a monstrous narcissist or a child that is pretty much how society works. Shouting at people, being rude, being racist = not ok. Asking people chatty questions = fine.

She doesn't owe anymore anything it is just social interaction nothing more.

Yep! Same.

I think it is really more nuanced. An elderly gentleman I chatted to a few times at a bus stop asked me where I was from- I told him, he talked to me about his Ukrainian daughter-in-law. Pleasant chat. We talked about the buses running late first. I've met him at that bus stop before, waiting together. No drama.

I book a hairdresser's appointment. Woman asks the same out of the blue. I am taken aback a bit, why does she care?

Similarly, years a go, a taxi driver asked me, I tell him, and he continues as if that was fine to assume that I work at the local farm. Is there anything wrong with working at the farm? No, but I had an office job, a British degree and a small talk like that made me feel a bit odd.

And I thought British people are supposed to have good manners 😂

But a barrage of questions is tedious, why subject anyone to that?

You are unable to accept that your experience is just that: your own. And refused to acknowledge that other people have different ones and therefore don't ask have the first inkling that you're annoyed by their questions.

You have been told you are being unreasonable but you refuse to accept it - you have asked AIBU and thrown a hissy fit at anyone who dares to say yes!

One in four people have indicated on here that they too are annoyed when they repeatedly have to account for their origins when just going about their business. That might be a clue to some of you that maybe it’s time to stop randomly demanding everyone with an accent (or whatever else) reassure you that they are aware they do not belong and are grateful that you are allowing them to het a haircut or catch a bus in your territory.

For those who don’t mind being asked, great. Come back in 20 or 30 years when you are still being asked constantly. Or ask any immigrant teenager how much they enjoy being randomly questioned about the country they left as an infant and may never return to, by choice or by force or because they no longer ‘belong’ there either.

When people tell you they don’t like something that is frequently happening to them, the appropriate response is self reflection and an attempt at empathy, especially if you have not walked in their ‘immigrant’ shoes. It’s is not ‘put up, shut up and be kind you ungrateful whinger’. Human nature might be full of innocent curiosity. But it is also full of tribalism, violence, territoriality and yes, racism. So before you ask ‘where are you from?’ take a second to check out the context and the audience. Your innocent curiosity, whether you appreciate it or not, can easily be received as one of the latter four above. If that’s an unpleasant thought, take a hint.

Northerner living in the deep South here - very used to being asked where I'm from, even after 50 yrs down here! Of course being Northern I'm also very happy to talk to strangers.... so maybe OP is living in a Northern town 😆

'a small portion of people don't like something so everyone else should immediately stop doing that thing to support their poor feelings. It doesn't matter what the majority of the population think, the small portion are obviously the most special'

Entitled and self involved are the words you're looking for.

I'd be pretty sad if people stopped asking me where I'm from, or commenting on my accent. It's a nice exchange that I enjoy, and I'm proud of it. Maybe you should reflect upon THAT before stamping your feet to get your way. Is that an unpleasant thought for you?

1 in 4 people is not a 'small portion', not to mention we don't know how many of these are immigrants themselves.

If you like it, go on telling your life story to strangers.
I'd rather not. And no, they don't take it lightly when I say I'm 'from Manchester'.

I'm glad my DH (British) agrees with me it is in very poor taste to accost strangers with questions about their accent!

@Idono I did not say people should stop asking. Neither has the OP. We have asked that people show some empathy and pay attention to audience and context before asking, as should always be done with any personal question, particularly when speaking with strangers. It’s also known as, having good manners.

In these globalised times, some people are asking that the question ‘where are you from?’ kindly be reclassified at times, from small talk to personal question. That is, not if you are on a cruise ship or buying souvenirs at the Tower of London or on an international flight for example, but possibly if you are booking a hair appointment or sitting on a local commuter bus. Is that really so much to ask that it warrants being called ‘entitled and self involved’?

I’m actually speaking on behalf of my young self who experienced this as a teenager and who is keenly aware of the struggles of young immigrants who have very high levels of disfunction, some of which is related that sense that they don’t belong, neither here nor in their country of birth. They are just one group that we might be considerate of. But there are many more.

I lived in Spain for a few years, strangers were always identifying my place of birth without asking. I assume that it was the larger head and freckles that give it away.

I have to ask…
Larger head?!?!

1 in 4 is the minority. That's just mathematical fact.

Don't tell your life story to strangers then! Ignore them if you must, be outright hostile if that floats your boat - just stop expecting them to tiptoe around you like royalty and get over yourself.

Also, your DH agreeing with you is not an overwhelming revelation, I'm hardly flabbergasted by it. It proves nothing, and means even less.

We have asked that people show some empathy and pay attention to audience and context before asking

How on earth are people supposed to know which mood you're in? How are they supposed to know whether any particular person is OK with being asked and which ones will dissolve when looked at wrong?

Can you guess what topic of conversation I hate!? Can you? Better guess right 'cause if you ask me a question I don't like I'm going to sulk! Everyone has trauma, everyone has things they struggle with. To avoid upsetting anyone at any time the only answer is not to ask anyone anything, lest there's a small possibility it upset their difficult childhood. So you are, in fact, asking that people stop talking to each other.

Why don't you have 'please don't ask me where I'm from or comment on my accent' written on a t-shirt. Then, when people ask you I'll agree that they're being inconsiderate. Otherwise you are STILL being unreasonable.

@Wetoldyousaurus you explained back to me the very point I made but missed the underlying message. Your explanation is a good example of reading too much in to an innocent question.

We have gone down a really dangerous path of accepting the negative/trauma response that doesn’t like these questions as the definitive one rather than the exception - and as a consequence are frightened of offending people in the very mechanisms that socialise us all and make things run a bit smoother - it will never end in a good place and will just make people resent having to take on your insecurities when they have their own stuff to worry about. It’s also doesn’t help people who are genuinely vulnerable in the way people think - they don’t get to get lost in the everyday, normal mundane that we all need at times.

I’m so cross that people who don’t seem to have the emotional intelligence to manage their own choices expect every element of society to do it. It’s the most selfish of behaviours and it really is part of that erosion of trust in the everyday that we have all experienced and makes people stick more and more to their own little tribes.

No one sitting on the bus making small talk should have to think about someone leaving a war torn country when they talk about the weather.

@Fleurdeville I’m sorry you don’t understand. Carry on asking people where they are from whenever you feel like it because it pleases you, and sometimes, it may please the other person too. But just know that it won’t always land the way you think it has. If that’s all you get out of being on this thread, it might be something.

@Wetoldyousaurus I think this reflects more on you than me.

I am aware that people have their own realities - my point is that you can not expect people to constantly have that at the forefront of the mind when making small talk. It seems to me that you are the one who cannot see the point I am making and instead see this as an issue others need educating in. That, as many can see, is part of the problem.

But we will have to agree to disagree. This pettiness and constant negging about everyday conversation ultimately causes problems for those who engage in it. That they can’t see it, and won’t accept a healthier perspective is ultimately their choice.

Some of these comments really remind me of men saying “you can’t say anything nowadays “ or “how are we supposed to meet a woman” or “how are we supposed to start a conversation “. It’s all harmless banter, and good fun and a compliment and just conversation.

"Carry on asking people where they are from whenever you feel like it because it pleases you, and sometimes the majority of the time, it may please the other person too".

I've just corrected your inaccurate minimisation for you there.

But just know that it won’t always land the way you think it has.

Just like every interaction with anyone, ever. I'll take my chances.