To be sick and tired of being asked where I am from

[Playdoughy]

Just that really.
I am not from the UK, I've lived here a good portion of my life, my child was born here, my husband is also not from the UK (different country than me), and every single time everywhere - restaurants, get-togethers, parties we are invited to, standing in a queue, riding a bus, paying for a book in a bookshop - I really do mean everywhere and every single time - we both get asked where are we from - nicely and in a friendly manner ofcourse.

Now, to be clear - I am proud of where I am from, I don't mind talking about my country, a lot of beautiful things to say. I also don't expect people to assume I am from around here - I am aware of my accent 😁 so it's not like I am 'offended' that I am recognised as a foreigner...
I am just simply tired of the one and the same conversation every single time, day after day, all these years. If after my response I get - 'ah interesting I was wondering about accent' - fine, topic finished. But 90 percent of the time this goes into full conversation - Oh interesting, so what about xyz, how is xyz, do you xyz, how do you xyz.

When people engage into these conversations - does it really never cross their mind that this poor person you are about to interrogate about their roots probably gets that same question all the time and maybe just maybe is tired of it.
How about a good old weather themed conversation? Or asking about where I bought my bag, or recommend a movie, or simply rant about the ridiculous prices... anything but - 'so where are you from?'
And yes I know that the default answer to my post may be - 'If you don't mind me asking but - where are you from?' It is not even funny anymore.

Also is there anything I could potentially do to communicate that these questions are not exactly welcomed, without being rude or sounding like I am trying to hide something or being a weirdo.

But that doesn't have much potential for conversational development which is why most people won't choose it. How long can you personally keep a conversation going about a coat? Unless it used to belong to Amelia Erhardt or something, who was a distant relative of yours, it's going to be of limited interest to most people and will fizzle out very quickly which is exactly what most people are trying to avoid. Not that it's not impossible for a decent conversation to develop but it's not fertile ground in my experience.

Just because you and a minority of others don't enjoy a question doesn't make it rude. I've read every reply on this thread and there have been dozens of people from foreign countries as well as the UK who have shared how much they enjoy answering this question and asking it back. Why should others miss out on meaningful human connection because a small group of people can't just say "for various reasons, I'd rather not talk about this subject..." and let the conversation move on to another subject?

And this idea that there's a group who ask and a group who are asked is odd - the point of conversation is reciprocity. If I ask this I almost always get asked back and vice versa and that's been the case in the UK where I'm from and in the two foreign countries I lived in, where I was the foreigner.

There are questions I don't enjoy answering for various reasons but I would never dream of trying to shame people into withdrawing them entirely from use if there was no legitimate reason to deem them offensive, beyond "it makes me feel bad for personal reasons". Everyone has their sore points and there would be nothing to ask if we stopped asking anything that might trigger a negative reaction due to something we don't know about a person.

But the point is that people are on both ends of these conversations in most situations because conversation is generally reciprocal. If someone asks where you're from you will typically ask them where they're from to reciprocate and vice versa unless one person indicates they don't want to discuss that topic. It isn't draining for everyone but for those who find it draining, why can't you just change the subject?

But how long is just a tiny bit longer according to the conversation police and what are acceptable topics in the mean time? Some people think "what do you do?" is rude. Some people think asking about family is rude. I personally don't but if people are easily offended I don't see how you could possibly guarantee they wouldn't also be offended by one of the alternatives. Most people consider the weather too boring. People's taste in tv shows and music is so varied these days that you may never find any common ground at all if you set out down that path....is anyone really interested that someone bought their bag from Zara rather than H&M? I'm not personally and I try to be authentic.

I’m in the same boat (not born here, but lived in the UK most of my life now) and I’m never asked this question, at least not in the last 15 years..

Well you have made some of it up! You’ve admitted that it’s not nearly as often as you first claimed in your op and that it was hyperbolic.

Its pretty rascist actually, to be born in the UK and constantly be asked where you are from because of your skin colour. Its best not to ask at all. If the person volunteers the information without being asked that's a different matter. Imagine you were born in say Horsham and someone asks where you are from and you say Horsham and that person says no where are you really from thst is bloody rude. They are from Horsham end of. They don't need to be pestered about their racial heritage.
Have you been living under a rock? This isnt 50's UK any more.

I couldn't disagree more. You're entitled to your opinion but I don't share it. But I also also haven't at any point said it's ok to respond with "but where are you really from?" if a non-white person says they're from, say, Horsham. My point is simply that asking someone where they're from in a social situation is not inherently racist and the people on this thread who believe they're being asked it frequently because they're not white can surely see that this isn't the case - lots of white people have said they are frequently asked it too, in social situations at least. As for people trying to engage in conversation in non-social situations, that's another matter.

And no, I haven't been living under a rock, I've been living in the UK and two other countries where I was the foreigner and I loved being asked this, despite the UK not being a particularly well thought of place in these countries - one more so than the other! I would hate it if people stopped asking anything that might offend me as there would be nothing left to ask - almost everything has the potential to offend as I've pointed out.

How long? Maybe not within the first five minutes and especially not someone you're likely to never see again (as in all the situations OP described).

It all comes back once again to the fact that conversations should be two sided and some people are unwilling to drop the subject they like to use, as they find it interesting. Look at all those posters telling those affected to 'get over themselves'- I wouldn't call them racist, but tone deaf. They like to do something, they will, despite plenty of people expressing here their negative experiences and reasons why they'd rather not share personal information with strangers. I don't even hate talking about it that much, but there is time and place.

I am not one of those people who has 'family there' or 'goes back for Christmas', I have little to do with my country of birth these days, it's just happens I was born there. Why random strangers feel it's appropriate to make comments and ask personal questions is beyond me. Just because they find it boring to be polite and talk about some insignificant topic. Actually I think I've learnt something from this thread, I will just ask the question back- if they love discussing geography so much they can talk to me all about the Black Country or Liverpool or whatever.

I agree with you, it is irritating.

I have the same issue though i find that the conversation moves on from my origins quickly because i must make it clear i don't particularly find it an interesting topic. So I answer with a brush of the hand and move on. Seems to work.

All the more irritating that my husband doesnt get asked that like ever, because he has somehow managed not to have an accent (never had, only member of his family to have accomplished that) and whilst he is dark-skinned and therefore more obviously from abroad "originally", nobody dares comment in case he gets offended (he wouldn't) or they come across as racist.

I am fair game as I am white but with a distinct accent (though one that is very hard to place as it is entirely different to the typical accent people from my country of birth have when they speak English - and no i dont know quite why).
Personally what I find most irritating is when people are quite obviously not listening to me but only waiting for a suitable pause in the conversation in order to ask me where I am from.

Sometimes I just name the town where I live and they get the idea that I am not interested in talking about it...

Being curious is one thing, but yes it should come with consideration about other people's feelings. We cannot just ask whatever we want about people, it is rude.

Actually I think I've learnt something from this thread, I will just ask the question back- if they love discussing geography so much they can talk to me all about the Black Country or Liverpool or whatever.

@FondOfOwls

You'll find it an interesting experiment.

The vast majority of people I've asked back weirdly aren't quite so keen on having a mutual discussion, and where they're from isn't quite so fascinating.

Jesus.

Sometimes I just name the town where I live and they get the idea that I am not interested in talking about it...

@oblada

Gosh! I don't think that's ever happened to me. At best they think I've misunderstood the question if I say that, at worse they make noises or gestures (a sigh or a tut or a purse of the lips or an eye roll), but they always plough on.

Aren’t you a delightful, little ray of sunshine?

It's hilarious when we go abroad for holidays and people ask where we are from and me with my EE accent say city in England😂 Raised eyebrows😂
I started saying my native country now because they don't try to rob me as much😂

A lot of the time it's the very first thing they say to me. No hello, no excuse me, no chitchat, just a direct, "so where are you from?"

That's rude. And tiresome. It doesn't make it a conversation starter, or general chitchat, it makes it a question they want to know the answer to, and they'll happily forego the social niceties to ask it.

I had that happen to me recently, a receptionist at the hairdresser's asked me the dreaded 'Soo... where are you from?!' and having recently moved to that part of town, I replied 'The other part of town, then years ago- Manchester!' - I didn't even clock she was asking about my accent at first, as I get it rarely these days. Only when she pulled a face as if she ate a juicy lemon I've realised she was hoping to tell me all about her abroad travels to my home country.
Funnily enough the hairdresser herself, whom I spent much longer talking to, not once brought up this question. We talked about other topics. Nobody died!

😂
Reminds me of the time I went with my DH (then boyfriend) on an organised trip to Bruges. The travel agent was warning our group of tourists about the Eastern European thieves! Being from EE myself I very loudly commented they better be careful around me... but I digress.

I can relate.

If it happens again, I think you should go straight to 'please, you first', in a very polite but pointed way.

I can understand why it gets tiresome and I think for British culture its goes beyond the normal small talk strangers have so can understandably feel like being singled out

The op stated that it’s not always and more often people who are not from the uk

in some other cultures they are far less reserved in their small talk with strangers chit chat and asking questions and it’s not seen as rude but in some it is or over stepping the norm

I’m very often asked where I am from people who have moved here that are non European, questions are often what some might see as rude but I feel is looking for a shared experience or just wanting to know. Growing up I was always asked by British where are you from and a bit less questioning but not so much now as so many of us are from a mixed heritage background

Yes, and in a conversation where the two people are friends, acquaintances or likely to become such the question is fine, if it’s just a random person in a shop or on a bus who hears a foreign accent and demands to know where you’re from without any other conversation it is draining, and you don’t necessarily want to get into conversation with them. I get this constantly with my daughters hair colour, people just walking past in the street stop and say ‘what unusual hair, are you Irish? My mother’s brother’s second cousin had hair that colour’.

Similarly "if people tell you on this thread" that you are being precious and taking offence too readily at a totally innocuous question, perhaps "jeez take a hint" or perhaps do a bit of self reflection before attacking everyone else.

wow. So if a person dares to say they find a certain topic too personal or uncomfortable - they are precious, self-centred, have a main character syndrome, or if nothing else fits they must be lying about being even asked.
Gaslighting much?
Gotcha.
Well then, what can I tell you - you just go ahead and insist on getting all your answers even from perfect strangers and do apply even more pressure if they show signs of avoiding the topic. And absolutely don't apologise under any circumstances. Good for you! 😂
I think this sums it up.