Christmas would not happen without me

[zoeb92]

More of a rant than anything… feel free to tell me to suck it up.
Every year it’s the same thing. I do everything. Husband does F all.
I have to think for him — for absolutely everything. Are we hosting? If so: Christmas food shop, inviting everyone, getting the house ready, sorting the logistics. All me.
Gifts? I start shopping in October. DS’s presents were bought by the first week of November. His family’s presents were all bought on my weekends off, while he spends his Wednesday off going for breakfast with friends and then the gym.
I’m nine months pregnant, and I battled the shops on the last Saturday before Christmas — fighting for a parking space — just to get something suitable for his mum because he’d left it too late. I’ve spent two hours wrapping everything while he’s been at work. Fine.
Now I still need to spend another two hours doing the housework and cooking dinner. Then he texts to say he’s out this evening with his dad for a Christmas pint. He never goes out — but honestly, it just feels like if I didn’t do everything, nothing would happen.
I’ve even bought a gift from his nephew to his mum (who’s the guardian), because I didn’t want my MIL waking up on Christmas morning to nothing. Do I get any thanks for thinking that far ahead? Of course not.
I’m absolutely fuming. I’d just like a little bit of appreciation.
I’ve even had to wrap my own Christmas presents — which I bought myself, by the way.

I read it like nephew is a child and the grandmother has legal guardianship.

’Are we hosting?’ That would have been the time for a discussion about the division of labour. Did he want to host? Or just sit on the sofa with his family while you run around?

Again, I wouldn’t. I’d order a takeaway and I don’t care what state my house is in.

YABU. for doing all this, sorting out his family and then having another baby with him. Have some boundaries.

Me too. My house is the way it is. I’m not Hyacinth Bucket. If I’ve invited people to my home they will have to take it as it is every day. I don’t make it better for people who don’t live in it.

I do go all out for Christmas dinner but because I want to. I wouldn’t if I didn’t. I don’t do it to please other people.

You know what if people talk but you know you have done nothing wrong?
That’s their concern. Not yours.
It would actually be good for your DH to take responsibility for his gifts and something else for Christmas Day. Or your sit together and make a list and order it for delivery online and then wrap the gifts together. It’s actually a nice activity.
Or you could carry on as you are, feeling resentful, with less free time etc.

That's the thing about 'just stop' - it's still you the weight falls on if you do. The judgement, the feeling that your child is let down, the lack of organisation for a nice Christmas. Its still you that bears the burden of it.

But you need to. You're about to have another child and you deserve to actually enjoy Christmas with them. You've got an entire year until next Christmas to make it clear to your partner that he needs to step the fuck up, and to make peace with not doing everything. Simplify, do the basics. Tell him outright what you will not be doing next year, and stick to it. Focus on your wee ones only. If he's not getting you anything, don't you get him anything. That's one task immediately off your list.

For th sake of your own sanity, expect less of yourself.

There's a big difference between doing Christmas for your children and buying gifts for all your husbands family.

I do most of the Xmas shopping for DD and I love it, then I do my own family, DH does his, I do indoor decks, DH does outside. We get gifts for each other. We don't host but if we did i would probably take the lead but I would certainly give DH tasks

Blusterous? 🤣 🤣 Well if that is what we call strong women these days.......🤷 🤦
For the record I never said the OP should go on strike. I never said I do nothing over Christmas...I do a fair share. I just wouldn't do any unnecessary fluff relating to a DH or inlaws or be killing myself for a perfect day if I was in an unequal partnership.
As it is I'm happily married and looking forward to the Xmas dinner my DH will be cooking.....
I've just described this thread to DD and asked what she thought would happen if someone did this to Mummy, she just belly laughed at that prospect. I hope she is equally 'blusterous' when she's grown up.

Hi @zoeb92 how is he on daily basis not around Christmas?

Exactly this. I also run around and do things by myself and do 95% of christmas and everything leading up to it and all of it to “my standard” (i know how it sounds but i like things in my way). DH shares the load and do A LOT on daily basis and i cant complain, so it makes it little easier

Buy presents for your child, your family.
Tell dh from now on he has to sort presents for his family.
Simple as. I highly recommend it.

We're not calling strong women that; we're calling them strong women. You're not at all in the same ball park.

Why thank you.🤣 I am going to take that as a compliment. Because you are right I'll happily sit right outside that ball park if it means I get what I feel I deserve. It's a rather sad reflection on the state of society, given all I said is I simply want is to be treated with mutual respect/equality by men and I'm not afraid to stand up for myself if I receive any less....
Anyway, Merry Christmas and here's some zero fucks because guess what I have plenty going spare xx 🍾🥂😘

Aw. You've tried hard, you'll get there. Have a merry Christmas.

I've never understood why some posters assume that people who say 'LTB' think that divorce is simple or trivial. I've rarely disagreed with a call to LTB on MN. If you're married to a selfish, lazy, abusive or just generally shit husband (which many MNers seem to be), then 'leave him' is a perfectly reasonable suggestion. How, when or indeed if you leave him is up to you. Perhaps you'd like the MN posting guidelines to stipulate that an LTB comment must be prefaced by 'I realise it's not easy or may not be immediately doable, and that the process may be very unpleasant, but in my opinion you should be aiming to...'

Once this Christmas is over you sit him down and tell him how it's going to be next year. That Christmas involves a lot of hard work and planning and it is not fair that he does next to nothing to help. Going forward x tasks will be for him to do and you will not be reminding him. You're also going to let his family know that going forwards you've agreed to share certain aspects of the Christmas prep and if he drops the ball they can take it up with him.

Bloody hell! So much anger. Not needed.

Just allocate the jobs depending on what each partner likes doing or at least can stomach doing.

Nephew is 9, with no parents of his own. She is his guardian, as I put.

She's nine months pregnant and buying presents for his extended family, presents for herself and seems to be the only one prepping for hosting over Christmas. I'd be far angrier if it was me in that position. I'd be furious with myself that I'd ended up legally tied to a man who clearly hates me.

Just saw this and thought of op, seemingly @zoeb92 you are not alone!

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZNR2aF372/

Yes, but it’s not your responsibility to buy and wrap a present for him to give. There are many single mothers in this position. They don’t rely on the nine month pregnant wife or their son to solve this problem.

OK so what he actually NEEDS, rather than a present for his carer, is to spend time with caring people. He needs to go shopping with your DH, choose a gift and go for lunch. Chat about his parents if that’s something that he needs, have a caring, loving relatives.

Does your DH spend time with this bereaved young man?

Why does a 9 year old need to buy his guardian/mum/grandma/anyone a present? I didn't buy anyone presents when I was 9.

Again, totally OTT.

If you want some fantasy Christmas, by all means, crack on. Just don't moan about it.