Christmas would not happen without me

[zoeb92]

More of a rant than anything… feel free to tell me to suck it up.
Every year it’s the same thing. I do everything. Husband does F all.
I have to think for him — for absolutely everything. Are we hosting? If so: Christmas food shop, inviting everyone, getting the house ready, sorting the logistics. All me.
Gifts? I start shopping in October. DS’s presents were bought by the first week of November. His family’s presents were all bought on my weekends off, while he spends his Wednesday off going for breakfast with friends and then the gym.
I’m nine months pregnant, and I battled the shops on the last Saturday before Christmas — fighting for a parking space — just to get something suitable for his mum because he’d left it too late. I’ve spent two hours wrapping everything while he’s been at work. Fine.
Now I still need to spend another two hours doing the housework and cooking dinner. Then he texts to say he’s out this evening with his dad for a Christmas pint. He never goes out — but honestly, it just feels like if I didn’t do everything, nothing would happen.
I’ve even bought a gift from his nephew to his mum (who’s the guardian), because I didn’t want my MIL waking up on Christmas morning to nothing. Do I get any thanks for thinking that far ahead? Of course not.
I’m absolutely fuming. I’d just like a little bit of appreciation.
I’ve even had to wrap my own Christmas presents — which I bought myself, by the way.

I voted YABU for this reason. You’re enabling the situation by doing it all for him.

Oh God. Why do women put up with this nonsense? I just could not tolerate that shit....woe betide any man foolish enough to try. Set your expectations and follow through. I do my family, he does his, cooking, cleaning and Christmas admin is split 50:50. If he doesn't bother with his family then that's on him. Your response to any failing on his part is sad face "Oh dear you better talk to DH about that". Rinse and repeat. You really didn't need to battle the shops, you really don't need to do everything. What you need to is change your mind set and give your DH a rocket up his arse to help you.
My DD will have a lovely Christmas, presents, dinner etc but her mother won't have lost her marbles over it because her father is a competent adult who pulls his weight and doesn't need supervising. Your standards for Christmas might be high but your standards for how much you value yourself are absolute rock bottom....

This. I have very little time for people who resent others but continue to do the thing that leads to resentment.

I'm afraid you made your own bed by starting to do this for his family x number of years ago. What did he do before then?

My DH's family can think what they think, if they want to judge me for their son's behaviour more fool them.

I just wouldn't be doing all the extra shit. Your son's presents and a nice dinner, fine. Who gives a damn if his family talk about you? His family are his responsibility. You're a glutton for punishment and I have to wonder why you'd have another child with what sounds like a deeply unattractive, lazy individual who sits happily watching a heavily pregnant woman run around after him. Truly gross.

@zoeb92 actually, regarding the present from nephew to MIL, I think you are doing a really throughful and kind thing. It sounds like there's a difficult situation there. Perhaps if you weren't doing all the crap for everyone else, you could do something really supportive - take nephew out for a Chritmas shopping day, buy him hot chocolate, help him choose a present for MIL, see the lights together. Wouldn't that be really worthwhile? Prioritise that, not buying gifts that your dh is well able to get or not.

Make that the last time op ,I take it he has responsibilities at work?If so it's high time he had them at home.
His Family he does it,he helps with the food shop,wrapping etc..hes got hands!!

Why are you being such a martyr? Just stop!
I told my DH that he was responsible for buying his family presents and writing cards to his family and friends. If he didn’t do it that’s on him.
I enjoy the decorating etc so had no issue doing that, buying the tree was a family tradition so we all went together.
My late DH used to cook the dinner too, and was a tidy cook so not much washing up to do afterwards.
You do all these things because you want to. If you don’t, stop.
You can make the house look nice and have a nice Christmas for your son. And if you feel bad arriving empty handed at people houses then just bring a bottle of something. And clearly say: ‘John was in charge of presents for you’ and leave it at that - if they gossip about you who the f cares?
And have you not heard of online shopping?

Christmas things aside for a moment, I’m more concerned that he thinks it’s okay to leave you at nine months pregnant to go for a pint! The baby could come at anytime and he should know to be with you every spare moment he has.

Back to Christmas. I don’t understand why anyone goes out to shop for presents. I’ve bought EVERY present online, delivered to my front door!

YANBU though - things should be split. I’m happy to buy for everyone - including my own present- and wrap everything - including my own present - plus I know cleaning the house will be my job too with a little help from DH if I’m struggling. BUT the food shopping and any returns / unwanted items that need doing - so the running around jobs - plus the Christmas Day meal is my DHs role. He’s currently at Tesco now! There’s no way you should do everything especially at nine months pregnant. Put your foot down or you’ll have even more to do next year with a new baby to cater for whilst having the 1 year old glued to your hip!

Just to say - my DH hates that I buy my own present but I’d rather help him out as he runs his own business so he’s very busy, but more importantly to me, I get what I really want and need rather than see our money wasted.

By all means, buy stuff for your son, wrap his presents, decorate.

But to buy your own present, wrap it, and lie he bought it for you? Organizing meet ups with his family? Buying presents for in laws?

That's all stuff my mum did over the years too. She's so fucking resentful now and thinks no one appreciates the efforts. And do you know what? She's totally right. No one gave a fuck. Especially me. I would have preferred some presents, a quiet Christmas and a rested happy mum.

Literally all my memories are of her doing everything for everyone, everything was always perfect, except there was an undertone of stress and anxiety and anger about it all.

I didn't appreciate it then and I don't appreciate it now.

You're doing it to make yourself feel better. Like you're some super mum. Go ahead. But it's totally on you.

How old are you? Young I presume if pregnant, can't believe the younger generation are still doing it all, I've been dieting this year so food is not a thing at all, my husband has just declared there's no Christmas chocolate, yeah pal go and fucking get some if that's what you want, same with presents, I get my own family's what's left of them, the judgement is still on me though when his sisters are without presents 🤷could not give a shiny shite any more, too old I do what I find pleasant, fuck the rest, the world keeps turning.

Next year sit him down and make a plan. Decide what needs to be done (you will probably have to tell him as he will (pretend to be) clueless at first). Then get the tasks divided up into his and yours with firm arrangements for when they'll be done and him reporting in that he's done his.
And no. Of course you shouldn't have to manage a grown man. But it's either that, carry on as you are (you don't want that), stop doing it and leave things to him without direction (he will do a poor job and you'll be unhappy) or LTB (which youre probably not prepared to do!)

Thank you for sharing this 😂😂

You can see why the cult of the Blessed Virgin Mary, the Mater Dolorosa, caught on so fast among women in the Middle Ages. Sod Atlas; it was woman who had the world on her shoulders.
What’s shocking is that such a reflection of a woman’s lot would still be current many hundreds of years on. We are mostly unconstrained by religious or cultural pressure into this rôle, yet still take it on without any demur.
The rôle would not exist if these half-baked men were viewed as unsuitable partners in life, and rejected as a matter of self-preservation.

Order a takeaway tonight. Go to bed early. Let the cards fall where they may.

You are heavily pregnant and need to rest.

Cultivate some “no fucks” energy fast. Pareto principle all the way (80/20, good enough is good enough).

"Next year"? Are you imagining that between Christmasses, this lazy Fecker is doing anything at all at home?

If she's staying with him, the sitting down needs to happen now and be about fair division of labour ALL year round.

Why are you even with him?

Sorry OP, you are being a mug. Let him look like a prick in front of his family, not your problem.

Agreed. I was focusing on the Christmas issue as even men who do some things during the year tend to do very little at Christmas. Largely because I don't think they really care if people get thoughtful gifts or the house is decorated.

I’m constantly flabbergasted by the amount of women who do their male partner’s Christmas shopping for them. My husband was 30 when I met him, he’d had plenty of experience buying his own gifts for his family. It has literally never occurred to me to take on that job. We organise the kids’ presents together.

Same here - I love DH’s family to bits but in 30 years have never bought them a present and neither has DH bought for my side of the family.
He’s a fully functioning competent adult and perfectly capable of choosing presents, wrapping and delivering them. He’s had years of taking DT’s to choose presents for their friends birthdays so family presents are a breeze.
Some women obviously have a lot of time on their hands if they are doing their DH’s present shopping.

Yes I did that for years and his sister still treats me like shit so I stopped. I had bought his sisters and mums presents for 20 years! One day I may just get a flight and leave my family wondering where Xmas went!

I've put you are being unreasonable because no one is forcing you to buy his family gifts

Many of us took this upon themslves and stopped doing it .

They probably talk about you anyway many of us slaved at that rock face with no thanks and they hated us anyway

Leave it to him .

You’re one of those that likes to be a martyr aren’t you OP! For that I’ve voted YABU.
the answer to your problem is simple: Don’t bother with his family gifts. My DH does that himself on account of him being a grown man with his own relationships. But you’ll just cry “but he won’t do it” so I’m not sure why you’ve wasted your time posting at all!

I’m actually going to go through this line by line - not to pick on you OP but because there will be a tonne of women reading this feeling just like you and as an older woman it might be useful to one or more of them.

“It’s not fair in my son”: what’s not fair on your son? That his grandma doesn’t get a gift from your nephew bought and wrapped by you, stressing you out, resenting his dad, feeling miserable? Think about what you’re saying here. Apply some logic. And even if one Christmas when you’re 9 months pregnant with his sibling your son doesn’t to benefit from a perfect (according to you but almost certainly not according to him, because he’s a child) Christmas…what’s going to happen to him? Seriously? Do you think he might feel a little disappointment (he won’t)? And so what? What will happen to him if he does? Do you accept this is about you, not your son?

He deserves a clean and warm home: ok, sure. Switch the heating on. Tell your DH to do some cleaning.

Presents nicely wrapped under the tree: so buy some, wrap them (doesn’t have to be nice, he won’t give a shit), and put them there. Fine.

Lovely home cooked Christmas dinner: you’re 9 months pregnant. This is not necessary. Christmas dinner of some sort is fine. Tell your DH to pull his finger out and sort it out. M&S if need be - again, you’re 9 months pregnant. Why not insist on doing it standing on one leg?

This is his childhood: yessss, and? Will it all amount to nothing if 25/12/25 isn’t the picture you have in your mind? Will you have failed at mothering, failed at Christmas?

This is about standards which I am not dropping: ok, stop moaning then. Do all the things, and stop complaining if this is about your standards and you won’t drop them. I guarantee neither your DH nor your son could give a shit as long as there’s food and gifts. You can’t have it both ways. They’re your standards, you do the work. If you set standards for me and complained I’m not meeting them I’d tell you where to shove your standards.

The thought of turning up to someone’s house….physically sick: so take a bottle of wine. Not difficult. Hardly warrants a complaint.

Wish it was that simple: IT IS THAT SIMPLE. DONT DO IT.

It'll be me they talk about behind my back: and? You’re martyring yourself at 9 months pg in order to avoid bitching by people who would actually bitch about a 9 month of woman not doing enough for them?

Just. Stop. You are spoiling the very thing you’re looking for with this martyrdom. It’s your own fault. Stop doing it, stop complaining, stop feeling resentful. It’s really, really easy.