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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas would not happen without me

224 replies

zoeb92 · 20/12/2025 13:22

More of a rant than anything… feel free to tell me to suck it up.
Every year it’s the same thing. I do everything. Husband does F all.
I have to think for him — for absolutely everything. Are we hosting? If so: Christmas food shop, inviting everyone, getting the house ready, sorting the logistics. All me.
Gifts? I start shopping in October. DS’s presents were bought by the first week of November. His family’s presents were all bought on my weekends off, while he spends his Wednesday off going for breakfast with friends and then the gym.
I’m nine months pregnant, and I battled the shops on the last Saturday before Christmas — fighting for a parking space — just to get something suitable for his mum because he’d left it too late. I’ve spent two hours wrapping everything while he’s been at work. Fine.
Now I still need to spend another two hours doing the housework and cooking dinner. Then he texts to say he’s out this evening with his dad for a Christmas pint. He never goes out — but honestly, it just feels like if I didn’t do everything, nothing would happen.
I’ve even bought a gift from his nephew to his mum (who’s the guardian), because I didn’t want my MIL waking up on Christmas morning to nothing. Do I get any thanks for thinking that far ahead? Of course not.
I’m absolutely fuming. I’d just like a little bit of appreciation.
I’ve even had to wrap my own Christmas presents — which I bought myself, by the way.

OP posts:
TheTaupeScroller · 20/12/2025 14:54

I’ve even had to wrap my own Christmas presents — which I bought myself, by the way
Why did you do that? What was the point of it?

In fairness, it could very well be so her child sees her mum has presents like everyone else and it doesn't ruin the day. Once they are teens, fair enough they can start organising things, but younger ones can't be responsible for adults, especially when they believe in Santa.

Every parent makes sure the children see that everyone received gifts

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 20/12/2025 14:55

Honestly, the only answer is to stop doing do much.
I know you don’t want to but what other solution is there? Other than leave him 🤷🏼‍♀️

EarthSight · 20/12/2025 14:55

Scottishskifun · 20/12/2025 14:51

YABU because you are doing everything why on earth are you buying his family presents from him? He's not 8 he's a grown man!

Yes tidy house, kids presents and food but divide up the tasks!

Best thing I did was tell DH no more he could sort his family presents (after he complained I had bought too much). We now divide the kids presents and he pulls his weight on tidying. He did the kitchen and bathroom I did living room and bedrooms.

It's really, really common. I don't think my father's hardly ever had to buy anything for me, not even a card. My mum does it all, partly because he think that's women's work, although he's never said it out aloud. I cringe when I hear of Millennial or even Gen Z women doing this.

Obviously people have different strengths and there's supposed to be a bit of give & take in healthy relationships, but so often in these relationships the situation seems very unbalanced, with the woman doing the majority of the domestic, boring life admin, and that taking up so much of their time.

tripleginandtonic · 20/12/2025 14:55

tryingtobesogood · 20/12/2025 13:25

The answer is you stop. His family his problem, he doesn’t do it because he doesn’t have to. You have enabled him to be a man child, and all the time you carry on doing it he will let you.

time for a conversation about pulling his weight.

This. Your desire to be perfect is on you, you choosing to have children with someone who can't even be arsed to get you a Christmas present is on you. Yabu

grinchmcgrinchface · 20/12/2025 14:58

Stop doing so much. I did now my DH makes a effort, we book a day off work together when the kids are at school and do all the shopping together. Helps a lot.

RedToothBrush · 20/12/2025 14:58

TheTaupeScroller · 20/12/2025 14:49

Kids idea of a "perfect" Christmas is nowhere near what the idea of a "perfect" Christmas is for most adults anyway.

When I see how many posters make the whole day around food, Christmas diner, days of "preps", shopping, cooking etc.. honestly most kids I know (and frankly more than a few adults) couldn't give a damn and would much happier with a proper holiday, or a Festive Snack buffet in front of a good movie if they must stay indoors.

It's opening the presents, playing with cousins and friends if you have any around, big gathering and fun day the whole point. Perfectly wrapped presents look great on your photos, but that's not important. Wrap them badly and blame the elves 😂

Show quote history

Christmas pizza. Stick some cranberry sauce brie on a pizza.

Job done.

EarthSight · 20/12/2025 14:59

EarthSight · 20/12/2025 14:51

just to get something suitable for his mum because he’d left it too late

Oh OP. I wish you had someone in your life to guide you better, and sooner.

This is the nonsense situation that so many women end up in. I feel like I'm watching it on repeat, from 50 somethings, right down to Millennials. You should never even start getting gifts like this for a man's friends & family, not as a routine thing anyway.

I’ve even bought a gift from his nephew to his mum (who’s the guardian), because I didn’t want my MIL waking up on Christmas morning to nothing

And now even worse, it's cross-generational. THIS, is how men are raised to think that it's women's responsibility to sort out all of life's boring, tedious admin.

His incompetence or lazyness should not have to mean that you have to spend extra effort or stress making up for that, especially at 9 weeks pregnant, FFS!!! You are much more physically vulnerable right now, and the last fucking thing you need is to get this flu that's going round and have to battle that on top of childbirth.

Did he actually expect or ask you to go around and find a present for him OP? Or was it you that insisted on doing this?

I’ve even had to wrap my own Christmas presents — which I bought myself, by the way

Why did you do that? What was the point of it?

If you find yourself embarrassed by the way your husband treats you....then that is a very strong sign you're in the wrong relationship.

Sorry - 9 MONTHS pregnant!!

GinaandGin · 20/12/2025 14:59

Catza · 20/12/2025 13:25

And you are doing all this because...?
Your husband managed to buy gifts for his family and generally to look after himself before you met him. Did he ask you to do any of it? I'm guessing, not. I am guessing, like many women out there you volunteered to pick up these tasks. So it's a bit silly to expect appreciation for doing something that nobody else cares about.
I'm not saying that to minimise your efforts. I am saying it to give you permission to stop this martyrdom. He doesn't care and neither should you.

This
Just stop doing it
Christmas will still happen
It's one day
Stop being a sodding martyr

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/12/2025 15:01

I actually think it’s worth one year of sitting in a living room, with no presents, looking sad at other people’s and DS asks why you have nothing and you say, “no one got me anything”. The shame should be on your DH.

But you won’t do that.

shuggles · 20/12/2025 15:04

@zoeb92 "Husband does f all," yet, you chose to have a child with him 9 months ago...

AngryBird6122 · 20/12/2025 15:04

I don't get why you are putting up with it. You sound like a doormat

yipyipyip · 20/12/2025 15:06

I agree with one of the earlier posters.
After Christmas let him know that rhe Christmas prep was extremely stressful and that next Christmas your focus will be on your new arrival.
Cut down on present buying, I make sure I get one gift for each person, rather than lots of little bits. It cuts down on cost and wrapping. Delegate tasks to your husband, if you want something specific done.
It might be worth looking at your relationship dynamic across the rest of the year. I suspect you are doing the bulk of housework, cooking, sorting birthday gifts etc. With a new baby on the way it may be a broader chat about him being 50-50 with all household duties and baby care.

emmetgirl · 20/12/2025 15:07

Stompingupthemountain · 20/12/2025 13:29

YABU to do it. Why are you doing it? Get your DS some presents and stop there. If you don’t want to host, don’t. Forget about buying stuff for his family. If they get nothing it’s his fault. I don’t do Christmas, I don’t host or do presents, I ignore its existence entirely and have a wonderful stress-free December ever year. The world hasn’t fallen in.

THIS. I’m the same. I don’t find this time of year at all stressful because I don’t participate. Nobody has yet to die as a result.

TheTaupeScroller · 20/12/2025 15:07

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/12/2025 15:01

I actually think it’s worth one year of sitting in a living room, with no presents, looking sad at other people’s and DS asks why you have nothing and you say, “no one got me anything”. The shame should be on your DH.

But you won’t do that.

good

guilt-tripping the child - if he's old enough not to believe in Santa - is not fair is it.
Has no impact on the husband, but ruins the day for mum and child. Not on.

I'd rather use DH's credit card to book a hairdresser appointment or a spa day (I like facial and body treatments personally) 😂
I mean, if you HAVE to buy your own gifts from your partner, make them good ones

MrsChristmasHasResigned · 20/12/2025 15:08

What does he say when you talk to him about it OP?

vanillalattes · 20/12/2025 15:09

emmetgirl · 20/12/2025 15:07

THIS. I’m the same. I don’t find this time of year at all stressful because I don’t participate. Nobody has yet to die as a result.

Show quote history

Exactly. Most of the pressure people pile upon themselves is self-inflicted anyway - I mean, if OP's DH cared about presents or looking good, he wouldn't be leaving all the work to her every year Confused

People put way to much importance on what is essentially a normal day with a few presents and a slightly posh roast dinner.

RedToothBrush · 20/12/2025 15:09

TheTaupeScroller · 20/12/2025 15:07

good

guilt-tripping the child - if he's old enough not to believe in Santa - is not fair is it.
Has no impact on the husband, but ruins the day for mum and child. Not on.

I'd rather use DH's credit card to book a hairdresser appointment or a spa day (I like facial and body treatments personally) 😂
I mean, if you HAVE to buy your own gifts from your partner, make them good ones

Show quote history

Old enough to no longer believe in Santa. Old enough to appreciate mum.

Child has two parents. Mum has cancelled Christmas due to bad attitudes all round.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/12/2025 15:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MyDeftDuck · 20/12/2025 15:10

Considering that you’re on the verge of giving birth this could well be the last year that you’ll have time to pull all that in and he will have to step up next year………particularly with regard to presents for his side!

Reddog1 · 20/12/2025 15:12

zoeb92 · 20/12/2025 14:03

I do it because it's not fair on my son, he deserves the very best. He deserves a clean warm home? Presents nicely wrapped under the tree, a lovely home cooked Christmas dinner, this is his childhood. This is about standards which I am not dropping.

the thought of turning up to someone's house empty handed, careless, presentless, makes me feel physically sick. Don't do it then? Wish it was that simple. Because if I don't, it will be me who they talk about behind my back, not him.

Let them talk. 🤷‍♀️ Sort out your son and don’t worry about anything else.

Or continue being a martyr whom no one respects. This will possibly include your son as he gets older and apes his father’s dismal treatment of you (and any woman he gets involved with).

It is a binary choice, really. Your choice.

HelloGreen · 20/12/2025 15:13

Tell his family that gifts are his responsibility from now on. Make a joke of it even; make. Group WhatsApp called ‘good luck everybody’ and remind everyone he’s in charge of Christmas this year.

Enrichetta · 20/12/2025 15:13

zoeb92 · 20/12/2025 14:23

I'm still working full time!

Just in case this is real…

Why the actual F… are you doing all this shit?

getting a present for your child, preparing some nice - but not time consuming - food……. Okay, but the rest……. Seriously, just let it go!

thestudio · 20/12/2025 15:13

The thing is, this is the behaviour of a cunt.

I expect that fact would be very clear in his reaction, were you to refuse to be exploited by him any longer.

Why do so many women put up with cunts?

Therealjudgejudy · 20/12/2025 15:14

Oh please! None of my female family or friends are like this, thank God. A wet doormat. Give me strength!

pusspuss9 · 20/12/2025 15:14

zoeb92 · 20/12/2025 14:03

I do it because it's not fair on my son, he deserves the very best. He deserves a clean warm home? Presents nicely wrapped under the tree, a lovely home cooked Christmas dinner, this is his childhood. This is about standards which I am not dropping.

the thought of turning up to someone's house empty handed, careless, presentless, makes me feel physically sick. Don't do it then? Wish it was that simple. Because if I don't, it will be me who they talk about behind my back, not him.

absolutely agree when he's an old man, these will be his memories.