Christmas would not happen without me

[zoeb92]

More of a rant than anything… feel free to tell me to suck it up.
Every year it’s the same thing. I do everything. Husband does F all.
I have to think for him — for absolutely everything. Are we hosting? If so: Christmas food shop, inviting everyone, getting the house ready, sorting the logistics. All me.
Gifts? I start shopping in October. DS’s presents were bought by the first week of November. His family’s presents were all bought on my weekends off, while he spends his Wednesday off going for breakfast with friends and then the gym.
I’m nine months pregnant, and I battled the shops on the last Saturday before Christmas — fighting for a parking space — just to get something suitable for his mum because he’d left it too late. I’ve spent two hours wrapping everything while he’s been at work. Fine.
Now I still need to spend another two hours doing the housework and cooking dinner. Then he texts to say he’s out this evening with his dad for a Christmas pint. He never goes out — but honestly, it just feels like if I didn’t do everything, nothing would happen.
I’ve even bought a gift from his nephew to his mum (who’s the guardian), because I didn’t want my MIL waking up on Christmas morning to nothing. Do I get any thanks for thinking that far ahead? Of course not.
I’m absolutely fuming. I’d just like a little bit of appreciation.
I’ve even had to wrap my own Christmas presents — which I bought myself, by the way.

It literally is that simple. Let them talk, or better still tell them what a shame it is he hasn’t got his family anything.

This simply isn't true, of course you buy and wrap your son's presents and anything else you want to do to make it magical for him. But that is where you stop.
I have never bought a single present for anyone in my husbands family, happy to offer ideas if asked. I also would never buy my own present let alone wrap it - Just stop.

Of course your kids deserve the best.
But you don't have to be a people pleaser at the same time.
Screw your husband and his deliberate incompetence.

I agree with others.
Stop internalising this mysogyny.
Buying gifts for your OH's family is a nonsense. No one is forcing you to battle crowds while 9 months pregnant to get a gift for your husbands mother- ludicrous

I voted YABU purely for the fact that you're doing it. You're not unreasonable to think it shouldn't be all on you but you are unreasonable to put all that effort in when it isn't remotely fairly matched by DH. It's his problem if his mum wakes up to no presents etc not yours.

"DH was told it was too much for me. It was his responsibility. And he can do the relevant explanation about how he couldnt get off his arse and do it".

You must be feeling exhausted!

Sorry OP, but you are being a martyr by doing it all and expecting him to appreciate it when he does fuck all but please himself and hasn’t the faintest idea of how much work is involved.

Unless you step back completely, he’s never going to step up. There’s no magic wand that will make him change.

Conversely, my DH (70’s) loves Christmas and has done all the decorating, (several Christmas trees throughout the house, and lights and tinsel hung in every room), written and posted more cards than I have and bought more gifts than I have.

I will cook the main meals as he’s a rubbish cook. But I don’t mind doing that. He’ll help with the planning and shopping. I’d say he does 70% to my 30%.

Talking about you behind your back isn't going to kill you either. If someone is brave enough to say it to your face, you raise your eyebrow and remind them that your husband is THEIR son and his actions are direct consequences of the way he was brought up.
And I am not even sure why you are buying a present from HIS nephew to HIS mum. What sort of a mental pretzel did you have to twist yourself into to make it your responsibility?

Me neither. I’ve been perfectly happily married for twenty five years and I haven’t got a clue when my in laws birthdays are or what they do or don’t get for Christmas. It genuinely would not have crossed my mind when I got married to start buying their Christmas presents.

It’s just not the case that you have to do everything for the sake of your son.

Christmas would happen without you, he just doesn't have to bother now because he knows you will do it all.

Sorry, OP, I can see how you would think this is the only way and it might feel like a pile on (especially now you’ve already done it and it’s too late) but you don’t have to do this, and if you’re not being thanked, you absolutely shouldn’t do this.

I mean, at what point in your relationship did you start buying your own presents? It seems like you wanted some sympathy here, but nobody can understand how you ended up here without kicking up a fuss and refusing to buy and wrap your own gifts. That’s break-up worthy most of the time.

I'm sympathetic, but honestly, are you planning to just put up with this year after year and just moan about it on MN? He is treating you like staff. Next time, at the very least, tell him in advance that he is responsible for buying his own family's presents. And tell your in-laws he is!

Dunno what you want from this thread, OP, but you’re pretty much getting what I’d expect given you’ve done this to yourself. And am I the first to ask why on earth you’re having a 2nd child with this lazy arse? My Dh would be frankly ashamed of himself if he left everything to me and he probably would over compensate if I were about to give birth.

Fair enough, make the effort for your ds, bit anything to do with your DH’s family now gets done by him. Don’t be the martyr and teach your ds that his future partner should do all the ‘wife work’.

It was silly of you to get in this position, but you can easily off load everything.

I understand that you want to do these things for others but you can't be responsible for everyone's happiness..do you the christmas you want to do. I probably would buy for me and the kids but not DH or his family and enjoy some more free time. It's his responsibility after that x

Stop enabling his laziness.

I think so many people are being bang out of order towards you. I think you have been yourself which is very hands on, and rather than him work with you as a team he is kicking back and allowing you all the hard work. I love my husband very much but he is just the same. I am too pregnant. If I ask for help I will get it, but it bugs me that I have to ask. Like if he says ‘have I got any clean work tops?’ I just think, you fucking tell me?!! Have I got any??? Or if I don’t do his pack up.. thats it. He won’t eat at work. How hard is it to make a sandwich. I make sure the bills are paid. He makes sure his phone doesn’t get cut off… i make all the executive decisions and do all the must jobs because if I don’t, as you say they wouldn’t get done. In the past I have threatened to stop every last little thing I do for him and promised him he wouldn’t know what had hit him. He doesn’t go out either but if he isn’t at work he is sat on his phone. Games.. YouTube.. and if the tv is on it’s always something of his choice. Don’t punish yourself for being such an attentive wife and mother. Person all in all actually. Just show him some tough love. Xx

Yabu for being such a martyr and putting up with this useless prick. You’re having a child with him I presume he’s a good Dad?

When you open your gift on Xmas morning do you have to exaggerate your reaction to ensure that you look more surprised than the H who allegedly bought and wrapped it for you?

Have you spent the last how many weekends dragging your ds to the shops with you to do all these errands?

Why would you be sacrificing that quality time with your ds, for the sake of (at most) one day? Especially given that you're still working and about to have dc2.

To me it reads like you've gotten so wrapped up in the idea of a "perfect xmas" that you've lost sight of the other 364 days of the year.

@zoeb92 Why don't you settle for the absolute minimum just for your son? Now it's too late but I would let everyone know that DH will sort next christmas out and you just do your kids. My DH has actually done all the shopping for his family and some for our kids. I wrap gifts. He also goes and buys all christmas food.

the thought of turning up to someone's house empty handed, careless, presentless, makes me feel physically sick. Don't do it then? Wish it was that simple. Because if I don't, it will be me who they talk about behind my back, not him.

Fuck them. Let them talk about you behind your back. Or would it actually get to the point where you’d have to turn up with no gifts, or would your husband hastily buy one last minute if he knew you hadn’t?

I think all the stuff like getting your sons presents and wrapping them and thinking about the festive food and cooking etc is…well it’s shit that your husband leaves you to do all that. But you do it for your son, keep doing it for him, knowing you’re being the best mama you can for him. And it suck’s that his dad doesn’t care to help with the Christmas magic. I’m sad for you that this is the way it is, it’s rubbish. But keep going for your son!

However the “you buying gifts for his family”
thing… just stop. Don’t do it. Make sure he knows you’re not doing it, then it’s up to him. My partner and I have always been responsible for sorting our own parents gifts. Mine were bought and wrapped back in November. To my knowledge, he still hasn’t got his parents. But he will. And it will be something lovely and thoughtful. He just won’t even think to get it until the day before Christmas Eve, and that’s his issue.

Martyr comes to mind. Or as quote said 'Mug'.

YABU for being an utter mug

I’m wondering if he’s allowing you to do this all with no thought whatsoever about your current condition, what do you think he will be like when the baby arrives?

He reminds me of a colleague who had a delivery of model kits to make while he was on paternity leave….we all laughed at him, until we realised he seriously was going leave his poor wife struggling with twins and take this as a little extra time off for his hobby.

Times to reset the rules on your expectations of a husband.

Well you there's your answer: you care; he doesn't.

He doesn't care about you, or your son, or what his family think of him. And he doesn't have to because the more you do, the less he has to bother. But you have created quite a rod for your own back.

By wanting to create a perfect (or near perfect) experience you've raised the expectations for everyone. His family now expect thoughtful gifts, hospitality, nice food - what was it like before you were on the scene, did he bother with getting presents then or was it some last minute token thing? Did he invite them round to a clean house or was it a 6 pack of beer and take away pizza in front of the telly? Or was he the son at home, and never had to bother because his Mum took care of everything?

Similarly, you are raising your dc with standards that align with your own about what makes a happy Christmas. What would happen if you set the bar slightly lower? Whatever 'traditions' you set are what they will become. My dc1 doesn't do 'elf' but always has exciting advent things; my dc2 has 'elf' as the pinnicle of the build up; dc3 is married to someone from a different faith background. So far my dgc all cope with whatever is in their own home.

Bottom line: is DH the same in all other aspects of your life. throughout the rest of the year? Is he similarly uncaring, is he happy to take on all the thinking and the work? Or is it just that he's not so bothered about the Christmas magic?

If it's just Christmas then you have to decide whether you effectively do it solo, because it is so important to you (although sad that he won't recognise the importance to you and pull his weight just becuse of that), or whether you can compromise on what it might look like - e.g. doing secret santa for family (or not doing presents for them at all [by agreement]).

If DH is as lazy, or unbothered the rest of the year - well that's a big question for you...

He deserves a clean warm home? Presents nicely wrapped under the tree, a lovely home cooked Christmas dinner, this is his childhood.

But wrapping presents from his nephew to your mother-in-law does not come under this category?

He does sound like a lazy pig, but I’m also over the doormat martyrs of MN.