Christmas would not happen without me

[zoeb92]

More of a rant than anything… feel free to tell me to suck it up.
Every year it’s the same thing. I do everything. Husband does F all.
I have to think for him — for absolutely everything. Are we hosting? If so: Christmas food shop, inviting everyone, getting the house ready, sorting the logistics. All me.
Gifts? I start shopping in October. DS’s presents were bought by the first week of November. His family’s presents were all bought on my weekends off, while he spends his Wednesday off going for breakfast with friends and then the gym.
I’m nine months pregnant, and I battled the shops on the last Saturday before Christmas — fighting for a parking space — just to get something suitable for his mum because he’d left it too late. I’ve spent two hours wrapping everything while he’s been at work. Fine.
Now I still need to spend another two hours doing the housework and cooking dinner. Then he texts to say he’s out this evening with his dad for a Christmas pint. He never goes out — but honestly, it just feels like if I didn’t do everything, nothing would happen.
I’ve even bought a gift from his nephew to his mum (who’s the guardian), because I didn’t want my MIL waking up on Christmas morning to nothing. Do I get any thanks for thinking that far ahead? Of course not.
I’m absolutely fuming. I’d just like a little bit of appreciation.
I’ve even had to wrap my own Christmas presents — which I bought myself, by the way.

You are being daft to complain about something you don't have to actually do.

I did everything the first year we were married and then I stopped with the present buying for his family. I told his family in advance and when we were meeting, I have children now and need to focus on them but he will do the present buying for now on. And guess what he did step up or he gave money. I make sure the house is decorated and the children are happy. I buy some extra tins of biscuits and wine in case we’re invited places, so don’t turn up empty handed. The kids have lovely Christmas memories and we’re still building them.

Drop the ball you’re about to have a newborn use that as an excuse and if your husband doesn’t buy his family any presents you can commiserate with them, saying you should have brought him up properly then! Warn them months and months in advance, what’s going to happen and if they talk about you, well so be it. And if you want to change his behaviour long term you are going to have to stay firm and let him feel any consequences for himself.

He just knows you will do it all. I think I would leave present shopping for his parents etc. Next year make sure you stop doing everything, just get presents for the kids and just have food sorted for you guys, no hosting unless he wants to pull a finger out!

How does this even happen then?

I work full time and I have genuinely never brought a present/ card for my DH’s family. He does it for us both like I do for my side.

The conversation would go something like this:

”Heron can you get MIL’s present this year?
Sorry no, I’ve done my shopping already, I don’t have time and I am not sure what she’d like. If you’re stuck get her a John Lewis voucher.
Ok.”

Don’t be such a martyr. Things will only change if you stop, if you won’t, stop moaning and suck it up. There’s no in between and you’re the only person who can alter the status quo 🤷🏻‍♀️

Why do people expect children to learn from consequences, but not adults.
Your son will be fine with a good enough, rather than perfect, Christmas. It would be a valuable lesson for him that you have to take responsibility for your actions (or inaction).
Stop being a martyr and let your DH learn from his own mistakes.

Don't do it for his family. I've been with DP over 40 years and can count on one hand the number of times I've bought things for his family (either he's been ill or I've spotted a specific item that I know will be appreciated). After 40 years I still only have a vague idea of when his siblings birthdays are and no idea about his nieces or nephews. As for talking about you behind your back, well they'll be doing that anyway so I would worry about it.

OP you must see that this will continue while you enable it.

Another one shaking her head. This is all your own fault. Just don’t do it. Nobody cares about any of this stuff apart from you. So if you care, do it and put up with it. If you can’t, don’t. If you don’t care, don’t.

The issue of a husband who think it’s okay to leave his 9 month pregnant wife at home with his child doing housework while he goes to the pub is another matter. Can’t help you with that, sorry.

You have a useless DH - does he have any good points?

My SIL is you in 20 years. Martyred, completely unappreciated, ungrateful, spoiled son and DH. The DD has miraculously escaped being a twat but that’s probably because she’ll end up a martyr too.

She’s miserable, tired, sad and trapped because she didn’t leave earlier.

And she used to talk behind my back about my lack of wife work. I still make a nice Christmas but it’s small and DH does a lot. Now she’s jealous of our life.

DON’T let this be your life. No one gives you medals, notices or even cares. YOU do so if it makes you happy do it. If it makes you miserable, don’t.

I refuse to organise DHs family meet ups. Mainly because he gets shitty with me in the process for asking when he's available. It's easier for him to organise. Naturally I'm the bad guy all round for doing this. I'm not his social calendar secretary and honestly it isn't worth the stress.

Otherwise I'm happy to 'do Christmas'.

If you have become a martyr you need to just stop it. It's a pointless exercise.

Yup sorry OP I have to agree with everyone else.
Just stop doing it.
I made it clear that my partners family are his to shop for and if he doesn't do it in time, they don't get anything and that is on him.
As it goes he is actually decent with buying gifts but I would not put myself in knots to buy for his family, wrap for his family or write any cards for his family.

I buy for our children purely because I love shopping but also if I dropped the ball, he would absolutely pick it up and know what to get them and make sure it was wrapped on time

Literally just stop

Well, this will continue while you just keep doing it all.

Being single sounds better than this.

Yeah OP it’s your fault. I see so many women who whinge and whine about the fact that they are stuck doing unnecessary crap that they e bound themselves into doing. I would hate to be a man married to someone who expects me to do useless shit for my family and then whines when I don’t do it. JUST STOP. Jesus. It’s not necessary. Don’t make life harder than it needs to be.

It’s not her son’s lovely Christmas that’s the concern, imo.
It’s his education at home, and what kind of expectations are being etched into his mind about relationships, about being a man, and in particular, whether women are placed here to serve such men.

Who the fuck cares what your in-laws think?

they're the ones who raised DH, they can complain between themselves if they're not happy with the resutl 😂

What did he do before he met you OP?

I can understand you want to make it nice for your child, but turning up empty handed because he failed to buy his mum a gift, is on HIM, not you!

You've made it your job and now you're being a martyr.

You need to STOP.

If they talk about you and blame you for their son's lack of thought and care, well so what? It's bullshit.

Just tell him you're not doing it next year.

Except they won't. Next naive comment?

First answer nails it

Kids idea of a "perfect" Christmas is nowhere near what the idea of a "perfect" Christmas is for most adults anyway.

When I see how many posters make the whole day around food, Christmas diner, days of "preps", shopping, cooking etc.. honestly most kids I know (and frankly more than a few adults) couldn't give a damn and would much happier with a proper holiday, or a Festive Snack buffet in front of a good movie if they must stay indoors.

It's opening the presents, playing with cousins and friends if you have any around, big gathering and fun day the whole point. Perfectly wrapped presents look great on your photos, but that's not important. Wrap them badly and blame the elves 😂

You’ve let him get away with doing next to nothing making a martyr of yourself in the process.
He must be laughing himself to sleep.

Do no more than you'd do if you were a single parent, plus gift(s) for 'd'h. Even that is more than your fair share as it includes cooking Xmas dinner, which he benefits from and should be contributing towards. You need to grow a thicker skin when it comes to caring if his family have judged you for no gifts. I'd still make and bring any requested food to IL's if eating there/it's requested, as I would if a friend had invited us over. Otherwise, let go.

I buy/make gifts for DCs, DH and friends (I don't have other family). I do the meal planning and buy all the food. DH wouldn't do any meal prep off his own back, but I give him the peeling and brussel trimming whilst I get the turkey ready - I don't ask, I just present it to him with a thank you in plenty of time to get it sorted. He sits in front of the TV and works his way through it, but that's not a problem as long as it's done. Some years he hasn't bought his family gifts or was stingy, but he has felt the embarrassment and he's got a lot better as a result. He buys their gifts completely independently now.
It is impossible to do it all alone. Add in working FT, existing DC(s) and pregnancy, and it is even more out of reach. It either needs to be a genuine team effort or you drop everything that doesn't directly affect your nearest and dearest.

YABU because you are doing everything why on earth are you buying his family presents from him? He's not 8 he's a grown man!

Yes tidy house, kids presents and food but divide up the tasks!

Best thing I did was tell DH no more he could sort his family presents (after he complained I had bought too much). We now divide the kids presents and he pulls his weight on tidying. He did the kitchen and bathroom I did living room and bedrooms.

just to get something suitable for his mum because he’d left it too late

Oh OP. I wish you had someone in your life to guide you better, and sooner.

This is the nonsense situation that so many women end up in. I feel like I'm watching it on repeat, from 50 somethings, right down to Millennials. You should never even start getting gifts like this for a man's friends & family, not as a routine thing anyway.

I’ve even bought a gift from his nephew to his mum (who’s the guardian), because I didn’t want my MIL waking up on Christmas morning to nothing

And now even worse, it's cross-generational. THIS, is how men are raised to think that it's women's responsibility to sort out all of life's boring, tedious admin.

His incompetence or lazyness should not have to mean that you have to spend extra effort or stress making up for that, especially at 9 weeks pregnant, FFS!!! You are much more physically vulnerable right now, and the last fucking thing you need is to get this flu that's going round and have to battle that on top of childbirth.

Did he actually expect or ask you to go around and find a present for him OP? Or was it you that insisted on doing this?

I’ve even had to wrap my own Christmas presents — which I bought myself, by the way

Why did you do that? What was the point of it?

If you find yourself embarrassed by the way your husband treats you....then that is a very strong sign you're in the wrong relationship.