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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas would not happen without me

224 replies

zoeb92 · 20/12/2025 13:22

More of a rant than anything… feel free to tell me to suck it up.
Every year it’s the same thing. I do everything. Husband does F all.
I have to think for him — for absolutely everything. Are we hosting? If so: Christmas food shop, inviting everyone, getting the house ready, sorting the logistics. All me.
Gifts? I start shopping in October. DS’s presents were bought by the first week of November. His family’s presents were all bought on my weekends off, while he spends his Wednesday off going for breakfast with friends and then the gym.
I’m nine months pregnant, and I battled the shops on the last Saturday before Christmas — fighting for a parking space — just to get something suitable for his mum because he’d left it too late. I’ve spent two hours wrapping everything while he’s been at work. Fine.
Now I still need to spend another two hours doing the housework and cooking dinner. Then he texts to say he’s out this evening with his dad for a Christmas pint. He never goes out — but honestly, it just feels like if I didn’t do everything, nothing would happen.
I’ve even bought a gift from his nephew to his mum (who’s the guardian), because I didn’t want my MIL waking up on Christmas morning to nothing. Do I get any thanks for thinking that far ahead? Of course not.
I’m absolutely fuming. I’d just like a little bit of appreciation.
I’ve even had to wrap my own Christmas presents — which I bought myself, by the way.

OP posts:
TheTaupeScroller · 20/12/2025 14:11

zoeb92 · 20/12/2025 14:03

I do it because it's not fair on my son, he deserves the very best. He deserves a clean warm home? Presents nicely wrapped under the tree, a lovely home cooked Christmas dinner, this is his childhood. This is about standards which I am not dropping.

the thought of turning up to someone's house empty handed, careless, presentless, makes me feel physically sick. Don't do it then? Wish it was that simple. Because if I don't, it will be me who they talk about behind my back, not him.

who cares about other people?

Just take your husband out of the equation. What would you do if he wasn't there?

Fair enough you prioritise your child, it's not such a hard job - you seem to organise it very early, which is good but hardly stressful.

You want a nice cosy Christmas home: of course do it, enjoy it but don't moan about it. Your child will enjoy Christmas a lot more with a happy and fun mum than an Instagrammable tree and a resentful pissed mother.

If you want to host, of course host, but accept the work it takes. If you don't want to, leave EVERYTHING to your husband.

For the rest, of course you shouldn't have to, but just give him a very specific list of things to do. From changing the bedsheet to go shopping himself with a list to go through.

PinkyFlamingo · 20/12/2025 14:11

zoeb92 · 20/12/2025 14:03

I do it because it's not fair on my son, he deserves the very best. He deserves a clean warm home? Presents nicely wrapped under the tree, a lovely home cooked Christmas dinner, this is his childhood. This is about standards which I am not dropping.

the thought of turning up to someone's house empty handed, careless, presentless, makes me feel physically sick. Don't do it then? Wish it was that simple. Because if I don't, it will be me who they talk about behind my back, not him.

Oh just stop it. Who cares what they think, he's got you where he wants you

Happyjoe · 20/12/2025 14:12

Stop doing it all.

TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis · 20/12/2025 14:12

zoeb92 · 20/12/2025 14:03

I do it because it's not fair on my son, he deserves the very best. He deserves a clean warm home? Presents nicely wrapped under the tree, a lovely home cooked Christmas dinner, this is his childhood. This is about standards which I am not dropping.

the thought of turning up to someone's house empty handed, careless, presentless, makes me feel physically sick. Don't do it then? Wish it was that simple. Because if I don't, it will be me who they talk about behind my back, not him.

I agree with your first paragraph, but not the second.

The first paragraph is quite easy to achieve, especially if both of you contribute to it.

I wouldn't care about the opinions of people who thought a 9m pregnant woman was to blame instead of her useless husband.

As for your own presents, tell the idiot to step up. I'm grousing about my husband wrapping his presents late, but the notion of buying and wrapping my own gifts just flies over my head.

Jellybunny56 · 20/12/2025 14:13

It always amazes me that people can use the “this is his childhood” argument without stopping to consider actually what impact it has on a child with a resentful, overworked and overwhelmed mum, a dad who does fuck all, what kind of son do you think that environment raises if not one who thinks that is what “normal” looks like and so grows up to be exactly the same as his dad and so the cycle continues?

A happy and well balanced home is far better for any child.

Do the bits you want to do, play Santa for your son absolutely, but everything else? If YOU want to do it then do it, if you don’t- stop.

sanityisamyth · 20/12/2025 14:13

Why are you bothering? He clearly doesn’t care. DS isn’t bothered about Christmas this year. The last 2 have been horrific, and this one is now even worse, so we’re not bothering. No tree, no decorations. I’ve bought him a couple of presents but apart from that it’ll be just another day. And that’s fine.

thepariscrimefiles · 20/12/2025 14:13

zoeb92 · 20/12/2025 14:03

I do it because it's not fair on my son, he deserves the very best. He deserves a clean warm home? Presents nicely wrapped under the tree, a lovely home cooked Christmas dinner, this is his childhood. This is about standards which I am not dropping.

the thought of turning up to someone's house empty handed, careless, presentless, makes me feel physically sick. Don't do it then? Wish it was that simple. Because if I don't, it will be me who they talk about behind my back, not him.

You are being reasonable to buy things for your son and give him a clean and warm home.

You are being a total martyr buying gifts for your in-laws while your husband doesn't lift a finger and doesn't seem to give a crap about you or his child.

Who the fuck cares what your in-laws think? If you don't want to turn up at their house empty handed, don't go there in the first place. Stay at home with your child and concentrate of making the two of you happy.

Do you see your parents at Christmas?

SnailandWhal · 20/12/2025 14:14

OP don't do it next year for his family. If you're worried about what his family will say just tell them in advance that you've handed over to DH...

TreeDudette · 20/12/2025 14:15

I had one of these and divorced him. Best thing I ever did!

Giftmarse · 20/12/2025 14:16

YABU to carry on doing all this. Let it all drop, let everyone see the results. Let him have no present for his mum. If he doesn't sort out Xmas lunch there won't be one.

skybluestars · 20/12/2025 14:16

Jellybunny56 · 20/12/2025 14:13

It always amazes me that people can use the “this is his childhood” argument without stopping to consider actually what impact it has on a child with a resentful, overworked and overwhelmed mum, a dad who does fuck all, what kind of son do you think that environment raises if not one who thinks that is what “normal” looks like and so grows up to be exactly the same as his dad and so the cycle continues?

A happy and well balanced home is far better for any child.

Do the bits you want to do, play Santa for your son absolutely, but everything else? If YOU want to do it then do it, if you don’t- stop.

This is so true.
OP - you are doing your children NO favours entertaining this charade of a life.

Xemon · 20/12/2025 14:18

tryingtobesogood · 20/12/2025 13:25

The answer is you stop. His family his problem, he doesn’t do it because he doesn’t have to. You have enabled him to be a man child, and all the time you carry on doing it he will let you.

time for a conversation about pulling his weight.

'conversations' about weight pulling are pointless in the majority of these situations. I doubt it's the first time it's been mentioned - the reality is he doesn't want to step up, and he doesn't need to.

Imagine living in a house that keeps itself pretty clean, things tend to be where you want them and Christmas is a jolly, stress-free occasion where family comes, enjoys wrapped presents and a clean bed to sleep in. Wouldn't that be wonderful? And it happens like that every year, no problem. Why would you think there was anything to change?

oustedbymymate · 20/12/2025 14:18

Why are you being a martyr to it? Just don’t do it. What whatever for DC but don’t buy for him or his family.

Itsjusttoomuchtoday · 20/12/2025 14:19

zoeb92 · 20/12/2025 14:03

I do it because it's not fair on my son, he deserves the very best. He deserves a clean warm home? Presents nicely wrapped under the tree, a lovely home cooked Christmas dinner, this is his childhood. This is about standards which I am not dropping.

the thought of turning up to someone's house empty handed, careless, presentless, makes me feel physically sick. Don't do it then? Wish it was that simple. Because if I don't, it will be me who they talk about behind my back, not him.

You can’t control other peoples behaviour only your own.

How old is DS? A clean, warm home is needed but are you standards the same as that or are they perfectionist? A small bit of dust won’t bother a child unless they have asthma which is effected bu dust.

Is a lovely home cooked roast what he wants? During lockdown we had spag bol on Christmas day as that was what the kids wanted and the roast on boxing day.

Heronwatcher · 20/12/2025 14:20

Just stop!

You can of course still be a great host (although at 9 months pregnant I’d pass), buy your son a nice present and cook a good lunch. But anything else, that’s down to your DH. I suspect your son doesn’t give a monkeys if your MIL gets a thoughtful gift from your DH. And you’re teaching him that women are doormats and martyrs whilst men get to swan about the place having breakfasts and leisurely pints. Which is actually quite damaging.

Just say, DH next year I will have a 1 year old. I will do my side of the family and the kids and do lunch for us. Anything else will be down to you. And mean it.

seven201 · 20/12/2025 14:20

You’ve kind of brought this on yourself. I do not get involved with presents for DH’s side of the family. Don’t want to. Find it stressful and annoying enough buying for mine. You tell the in-laws it’s on him, not you. You tell your DH it’s nothing to do with you. My MIL once started trying to tell me all the family birthdays so I could send cards. I told her that was nothing to do with me and DH can do it if he wants. She was a bit shocked but fine. DH is a bit shit at cards and presents, and gets last minute stressed.

No need to go out to shops at 9 months pregnant. Order online. Me and DH usually do wrapping Xmas Eve, occasionally before if we’ve had time. Perhaps you and dh have different approaches and he can pull off some last minute stuff. I do appreciate you have a baby due, so fair enough to want everything ready early this year.

The way I see it is Xmas is meant to be fun for everyone, including you. Sounds like you’re doing too much and some of it is unnecessary, but also that your dh needs to do more. Tell him so.

CharlotteStreetW1 · 20/12/2025 14:20

So tell him.

YouDriveMeCrazyButICanDoThatMyself · 20/12/2025 14:21

More fool you.

Xemon · 20/12/2025 14:21

Giftmarse · 20/12/2025 14:16

YABU to carry on doing all this. Let it all drop, let everyone see the results. Let him have no present for his mum. If he doesn't sort out Xmas lunch there won't be one.

What do you imagine the results will be? I think it's very naive to think anything will happen except OP has a miserable, mediocre Christmas and the untidy house / lack of food will do almost nothing except be reflected on to her. I can guarantee that's what will happen - family members will think OP is the one who's dropped the ball, nothing else will happen.

RobinEllacotStrike · 20/12/2025 14:21

Give him notice now - Xmas 2026 is entirely his responsibility. You can disengage & relax with your young kids.

catin8oot5 · 20/12/2025 14:21

Don’t do it. You’re being a mug.

Purplewarrior · 20/12/2025 14:22

Nobody likes a martyr. I voted YABU because all of this is a choice you are making.

Like fuck would I buy DH family presents.

vanillalattes · 20/12/2025 14:23

zoeb92 · 20/12/2025 14:03

I do it because it's not fair on my son, he deserves the very best. He deserves a clean warm home? Presents nicely wrapped under the tree, a lovely home cooked Christmas dinner, this is his childhood. This is about standards which I am not dropping.

the thought of turning up to someone's house empty handed, careless, presentless, makes me feel physically sick. Don't do it then? Wish it was that simple. Because if I don't, it will be me who they talk about behind my back, not him.

The first paragraph is fair enough.

The second paragraph is silly and if you choose to let your own insecurities stop you from standing up for yourself, then that's on you.

Original poster
zoeb92 · 20/12/2025 14:23

I'm still working full time!

OP posts:
Terrribletwos · 20/12/2025 14:25

zoeb92 · 20/12/2025 14:03

I do it because it's not fair on my son, he deserves the very best. He deserves a clean warm home? Presents nicely wrapped under the tree, a lovely home cooked Christmas dinner, this is his childhood. This is about standards which I am not dropping.

the thought of turning up to someone's house empty handed, careless, presentless, makes me feel physically sick. Don't do it then? Wish it was that simple. Because if I don't, it will be me who they talk about behind my back, not him.

But why are you doing all the presents for your partner?