Christmas would not happen without me

[zoeb92]

More of a rant than anything… feel free to tell me to suck it up.
Every year it’s the same thing. I do everything. Husband does F all.
I have to think for him — for absolutely everything. Are we hosting? If so: Christmas food shop, inviting everyone, getting the house ready, sorting the logistics. All me.
Gifts? I start shopping in October. DS’s presents were bought by the first week of November. His family’s presents were all bought on my weekends off, while he spends his Wednesday off going for breakfast with friends and then the gym.
I’m nine months pregnant, and I battled the shops on the last Saturday before Christmas — fighting for a parking space — just to get something suitable for his mum because he’d left it too late. I’ve spent two hours wrapping everything while he’s been at work. Fine.
Now I still need to spend another two hours doing the housework and cooking dinner. Then he texts to say he’s out this evening with his dad for a Christmas pint. He never goes out — but honestly, it just feels like if I didn’t do everything, nothing would happen.
I’ve even bought a gift from his nephew to his mum (who’s the guardian), because I didn’t want my MIL waking up on Christmas morning to nothing. Do I get any thanks for thinking that far ahead? Of course not.
I’m absolutely fuming. I’d just like a little bit of appreciation.
I’ve even had to wrap my own Christmas presents — which I bought myself, by the way.

Indeed. I've seen this scenario on here so many times and have never understood why women do this - and then complain about it.

JUST DON'T FECKIN' DO IT!

Well, this time next year you’ll have a baby. So you will need to decide whether you are doing all this again, with a baby tucked under your arm, or not. I vote not. But it’s up to you to decide that and make it happen.

I agree with everyone else. Why the hell are you doing all this?

Why are you battling shops when you are 9 months pregnant for a gift for his mum? If anything, buy something from Amazon or he gets his own mum a gift.

Why are you doing all this stuff and not asking him to help you? 2 hours wrapping gifts, ask him to help you?

Does he know how you feel about having to do everything? Does he think you actually enjoy it all so he leaves you to it?

Its too late now to change much for this year but after Christmas sit him down and tell him you will not be doing it again next year and that Christmas planning and present buying will be a joint thing.

Why on earth are you doing all this?

Amazon all the way .
Don't go out fighting for parking spaces this year - why would you put yourself through this when you are so heavily pregnant .

You need to get your DH to pull his weight . When is your baby due - must be soon. I did all the shopping/driving/cooking when I was pregnant with my DC ( December baby , now 26yo) but it was only the three of us and we didn't buy other presents except ones that were sent direct .

You need a bottle of polish for your medal and your halo !

It must be lovely for him to do fuck all safe in the knowledge that cards and gifts and guests and cooking will all be done and he can have a wonderful time without lifting a finger. That’s your problem. He does nothing and you pick it all up. Stop doing it all and tell him he has to buy gifts for x, y and z. If he doesn’t, he’ll have the embarrassment of telling them he didn’t bother. Stop hosting. You will not get awards for martyrdom if you keep doing it all, but you will get an ever-increasingly piss-taking partner.

Why the hell are you buying his family's presents?! That's madness. For a man who doesn't even get you anything? Stop. Just stop. Don't do it.

The answer is simple.

Stop doing everything for the ungrateful man child you have married and subsequently are now tied to for life because of a child.

I voted YABU because you’re mad doing all that. Why do so many women doormat themselves?

my husband buys any gifts for his own family and does any cards for his own family. You just need to tell your husband that you won’t be buying on behalf of him next year (assuming he won’t be buying on behalf of you so therefore has no grounds to whinge)

First of all, I hope the imminent baby arrives safely; I can't imagine how you have managed at this late stage in your pregnancy!
You have drifted into this situation, but the new arrival gives you a chance to have a complete reset.
Make it clear to DH that with the new baby, you have many new responsibilities and calls on your time. (He has, as well, but I don't think this has dawned on him yet......)
Then, nicely, switch to "remind then leave him to it" mode. I appreciate that this still gives you the mental load, but that can come later.
Remind him that DM's birthday comes up soon. No present? She's disappointed? That's a shame, but remind him that he's known the good lady a lot longer than you have, and presumably acted of his own accord before he met you. If she comments, as if expecting you act as his PA, apologise but reprimand him in front of her; "didn't you get your Mum anything? After I reminded you?"
I remember a post on here some time ago about a newly married lady being handed a list of relatives and their birthdays, anniversaries etc by her new MIL, as if by marrying her son, she had taken on the mental load; she swiftly and politely handed it straight back!

So stop!
This only happens because you allow it to happen. He doesn't need to do anything because you're rushing around being superwoman.

Next year, just do the basics, so that nobody goes unfed and your kids get a couple of presents.

(Also, clean less, because absolutely nobody will notice any difference).

So stop doing it. If you keep doing it every year what motivation does he have to change? He'd have to put effort in then which he obviously doesn't want to do.

Let him explain to his family why they don't have presents. Scale back on the shopping, forgive yourself the cleaning, just focus on your kids and having a small, traditional Christmas with them. Sod him.

You’re part of the problem. You need to stop doing everything.

Give DH a list of jobs he needs to do this weekend. Yes, I know he shouldn’t need a list but he does at the moment.

After Christmas you tell him that you did too much and next Chritsmas will be different. In September sit down with him and share out the Christmas jobs, tell him that you will not be bailing him out.

I suspect that Christmas is just the tip of the ice berg.

Well, kindly, this.

Agree with all the PPs. I'm happily married and I've never cooked a Christmas dinner in my life (I don't like it - if it was left to me I'd just eat chocolate all day, so DH does it), never bought my DH's family presents (why does ANYONE do that - it's his family? He either bought presents for them perfectly fine before you came on the scene or he didn't, if he didn't then clearly his family don't give a shit about presents, and probably think you're a bit weird sending them all the time - my DHs family is the latter), never sent them Xmas cards, never organised going to visit them. DH either does it or he doesn't - if he doesn't then no one gets cards that year, and we don't visit his family. Everyone in the family is perfectly happy either way. My DH has 2 brothers, and neither of their wives do any of that shit you're doing either??
Why do you feel compelled to do it? I'm genuinely intrigued? No one will notice or care if you don't do any of the things you've listed.

Another one wondering why you are doing so much. He can't even buy your Christmas presents? My DH buys my presents and for all of his side of the family. We liaise over the kids, I used to do more but he's really stepped up on this in the last couple of years so now I'd say we do them together.

I do it because it's not fair on my son, he deserves the very best. He deserves a clean warm home? Presents nicely wrapped under the tree, a lovely home cooked Christmas dinner, this is his childhood. This is about standards which I am not dropping.

the thought of turning up to someone's house empty handed, careless, presentless, makes me feel physically sick. Don't do it then? Wish it was that simple. Because if I don't, it will be me who they talk about behind my back, not him.

Wrapped your own xmas presents ,Why would you do that?

Sorry but I agree with everyone else. Just don’t do it. Hell would freeze over before I’d buy my partner’s family’s Christmas presents! He’s a grown ass man, not a child. He’ll manage.

I correct myself, the only thing that matters is presents for your son, you can ditch everything else, I can guarantee no one else will give a shit.

Of course you buy presents and so on for your son. But why would you buy your DH’s family presents? All of the stuff for his side of the family should be done by him and if he doesn’t do it then it’s his fault.

He's a lazy, uncaring, thoughtless twat - and yet you decided to have 2 children with him.

I don't get it, I really don't.

They won't talk about you behind your back and if they do, who gives a shit, let them - it's your DH at fault not you. Your son won't care about a nicely cooked Xmas dinner. A few presents under the tree for him is fine, that's literally all you need to do. Your bigging up Xmas way too much. What's buying your DHs family presents got to do with how nice your son's Xmas is?

Oh dear I don’t blame you for ranting. I would stop doing everything especially the things he should be doing like his family presents. I stopped with that quite early in our marriage. When my MIL ended up with nothing or something thoughtless I shamed him. He made sure he got better. He always has got me presents though so your husband sounds dreadful. Have you asked him why he doesn’t help? Is it because you are on maternity leave he thinks you should do everything at home or is it the same every year? Do you work normally?

They’re your standards, your DH either doesn’t share those standards or doesn’t notice. Tell him you’re not buying gifts for adults in his family, tell him he needs to pull his weight, agree between you what needs done around the house, tell him he needs to invite his family - or agree who is going to do it. As long as you scoop up behind him he has no reason to step up.