Friend asking for 'financial support for a few months'...

[winterhaze]

Hi. Looking for advice. My friend (who I've known for many years) is single. I am too - although; it is because my DH died (in 2022). Needless to say, it's been a rough few years - especially since he died around Christmas time.

A friend that I have known for 22 years was often complaining about the state of her life, which I must admit, I often found insensitive, given what I was going through in the early days of grief, but I guess she couldn’t relate to losing a husband.

She - for a long while now - has been leaving me voice notes about how much she hates her job, flat, life and wants to travel etc... I’ve offered practical/logical advice, but it always results in a week going by - and a similar voice note/similar topic again… the cycle continues.

Long story short, she asked me via a voice note if I would be willing to help her financially/support her for a ‘few months’. (My financial position is better than hers, but I am not ‘rich’). I obviously work FT (live on my own) etc… but I really feel taken aback by such a request.

She’s not asked for any particlar amount, nor said anything about what her plans are, how long she (I assume) would be out of work for…? Nothing beyond 'for a few months'. My suspicion is she wants to quit her job, cover her rent - and go travelling for a few months.

I think she thinks because my DH died, I would have had his money too as ‘play money’ despite my own income.

Another friend - who I was nowhere near as close to; asked me to invest in an interior design business she wanted to start… she is not an interior designer - and has had no experience in interior design. I immediately said ’no’.

However, this is someone I’ve known for 22 years. I don’t know what to do/say/think - it is also the anniversary of my DH’s passing today. Please help/advise.

She wanted to spend your money, not hers.

I think your friendship is done, she tried to prey on you during a horrifically vulnerable time and she did it knowingly. She's definitely not someone you want to keep in your life.

I’m so sorry about the loss of your DH. I couldn’t even fathom such a loss, especially at this time of year. Sending huge hugs.

Just say no. Similar to you I have a long standing friend who is constantly struggling however asked me for funds to cover her caravan site fees (something we couldn’t afford to have either!) and I lent it to her on the understanding I’d have it back the following month. Took me 6 months of asking to get it back and I had various sob stories. But I pushed and pushed. I’d never lend such an amount out again.

Your friend however sounds like she wants you to bank roll whatever she has planned as opposed to a loan. So it would be a hard no from me. Stand your ground.

Oh OP I'm sorry you've had such a long term friend be so greedy, thoughtless and shameless. And I'm sorry for your loss.

I'd just not even reply. Concentrate on yourself - you'll be matching her energy and not wasting any of yours on her.

100% don’t lend her money!

No. No. No. Just say you have no spare money. Then I’d slowly withdraw from the relationship.

Also, I’m really sorry for your loss. I hope you can be kind to yourself today.

This person is not your friend. Absolutely no.

My husband died this year and there is definitely a perception from some people, especially some of his family, that I am a rich widow. I’m not, I’m financially comfortable thanks to my own working life, but not comfortable enough to support another’s aspirations, and I wouldn’t even if I could. Neither should you, and your friend is very wrong to ask. Good luck.

Absolutely not. You will never get the money back. In any case why should you support her. Honestly I would end this friendship, ask her not to contact you again, block and move on; ditto ‘interior designer’

Just say no - if she hates her job she can find a new one, if she hates her flat she can move, if she wants to go travelling she can save up for it, a second/weekend job would help her save quicker. Everything she hates about her life she can and needs to change it herself.

I think you do know what to do.
She sounds a bit unhinged tbh... thinking that that was an acceptable thing to ask. You have just learnt a valuable lesson about your 'friend_. Definitely let that friendship cool off. Care about her but with your eyes wide open about what she's really like.
So sorry for your loss and the stress she has caused.

I'm sorry for your loss OP and no do not do it.

Just say no.

sign post her to a bank loan, she can eff off

I am so sorry for your loss, please don't give this person a penny. She is not a friend, she is a leech. A true friend would never put you in this position.

Please don’t fund her!
My husband died young, 6 years ago. I had ‘friends’ making similar requests and comments. They also expected me to be constantly available for them. They are not friends they are grief tourists. They think that our lives are easy when in fact it is anything but easy.
Just think and answer truthfully: how many times have they been there for you? Sat with you? Listened to you? Comforted you? Helped you through a wobble because you bought ur OH’s favourite biscuits out of habit? I bet they haven’t been there for any of that. Take care of yourself x

Sorry to hear of your dh. It’s not been a long time and you have had 2 vultures asking. I would say to anyone who asked sorry no I’m alone and I have to make sure I have my finances to support me into old age. You work ft and I’m sure there have been times you haven’t wanted to go to work. Please look after yourself.

Yikes. I'd say it's over.

You lost your husband, and she sees this as a chance for her to travel the world with your financial support while her savings go untouched? WTF!?

I'm so sorry these vultures are in your life.

Just say you don't have any spare income as on one salary now after loosing DH and are not in a position to offer support as you are going through a lot.

Say no OP - no explanation needed. It’s disgusting that your friends are eyeing up the money your husband left to you. I’m sorry they’ve let you down so badly. If your friend hates her life she needs to take steps to change it herself - which includes earning and saving up for travel plans.

As others have said 100% no!

Sorry for your loss and the crassness of a "friend's" insensitive and frankly CF request. xx

You must say no… we,ve all been stung over the years by THOSE type of people, absolutely shocking asking for money, when i was made redundant i went down to 7 stone as very little to eat after paying mortgage and bills BUT i never asked a soul for help.. shows you the measure of these people and i tell,you they won,t pay back, hold on tight to your cash and also, dont tell folk about your assets, they get jealous, all the very best ♥️

My SIL asked us to guarantee a loan for her to consolidate debts. MIL was keen to see her daughter sort out her financial strife so we were under pressure, but I pulled the plug.

just had a horrible feeling about it all as well as the new show of love and warmth SIL was throwing our way.

6 months later after she got a bank friend to sign off on the loan without our guarantee, she was again in extra debt with large interest, and she filed for bankruptcy.

while this is slightly a different scenario to yours, the basics of if you can’t afford to lose what you have, don’t let someone lose it for you… regardless of what weak promise they give and how much it will turn their life around.

Firstly I am so sorry for your loss.you are grieving. How dare this so called friend try it on like this! I would say No flatly and block ASAP.shes a user .if she wants to travel fucking save up.or go on a working holiday. 2

Absolutely not

@winterhaze Im so sorry ou lost your DH.

I lost mine 6 days before my birthday and it's shocking how so called friends bahave.

Just say no to her. Make it clear you're living off your salary and don't have excess money.

I'm afraid you need better friends, these two are both leeches.