To feel sad that I never experienced mutual love because I'm ugly

[KHMP1971]

I turned 54 on Thursday. I am divorced with DS19 and DD15. I split up with their dad in 2017 (it was a horrible relationship and he was emotionally abusive).

I then got into a relationship with someone a bit younger than me who I loved dearly but who refused to commit for nearly 8 years (I loved him and couldn't let go) and then promptly left me in 2023 for someone much younger, blonde and prettier who he decided was The One. He's married to her now. I'm still alone.

He cut contact eith me in May 2024 as his new fiancee didn't like him being friends with me. He said that he had to as he'd found his wife and I needed to "move on".

Still miss him every day. Still feel worthless.

My birthday was depressing. I worked all day came home and then took DD to muck out her loan horse (helped as it was raining and we wanted to get finished) cooked dinner and went to bed. I got a card from DS who is home from Uni and my colleagues gave me an card with a £20 M and S voucher which is dearly love them for.

I'm not pretty. I'm 5'8" but not really in a super skinny model with long legs way. I have dark brown hair and eyes (I'm white - the woman I was left for was a blue eyed blonde) I have smallish eyes, a big nose, thin lips). I've never been a woman men fall in love with. My ex husband/childrens' dad admitted after we split up that he settled for me as he wasn't good looking himself.

I've never known mutual love. The closest came was the man I was with for 7 years who admitted that he "loved me but not romantically". He admitted that he loved her romantically (probably as she's a lot more attractive).

I feel sad for the little girl I was who was so romantic, always dreaming of fairytale and love stories that he life ended up like this. Basically I'm not hor enough to be loved. I'm not monstrous but I dont spark attraction and therefore that's it.

And most men I encounter are married anyway.

How do I come to terms with this? My life is very lonely and stressful a lot of the time (busy mum working two jobs no family) I would give anything to be held, to share something with someone. But I'm just not special, "wife material" or loveable enough and men's standards are incredibly.high, I can't reach them.

Sorry if this is a bit of a ramble. Woke up feeling sad.

You haven’t put me in my place. What on earth are you talking about. Do you understand what the phrase means, hurling abuse at someone and telling them to spend time with your husband is not putting them in their place. Your behaviour is outrageous.

You're obviously a very superior person and I'm very inferior.

Am going to agree with you now as it's probably easier.

Goodness me, this is still going.😵‍💫

I hope this thread is serving you OP, but I can’t see how.

You might be plain. You might be even be pug ugly for all we know. The issue is not your looks. It’s the fact that by your mid 50s, you can’t come to terms with it or realise how ultimately unimportant it is.

If it’s any help, I was very beautiful when I was young (can see it now but couldn’t really then) and I’ve never had mutual love either.

A disastrous relationship at Uni that I saw as my “big love” - I was madly in love with him but not fully reciprocated in the same way - and then married to someone I never really felt any attraction to, who turned out to be very narcissistic himself, and now divorced. A short very sexually charged (ie exciting) relationship post divorce but not serious. And that’s it.

I’m 47 now and I think that might remain it.

OP assumes that anyone who doesn't agree with her is a "smug married".

I don't agree with her and not only am I not married, I never have been, am 57 with no kids. OP is doing better than me in that regard despite her big nose.

Good grief, you came on here asking for advice and when you’ve been given it you’ve attacked, at no point have I indicated I feel superior to you. This is your take , like your take on your ex’s wife, that she is also superior , this time in looks to you.

how on earth is this helping you? Hurling abuse at strangers on line as they don’t agree with you that successful long term loving relationships is not about looks, but about compatibility, shared life goals, trust etc and trying to help you by saying you have this very wrong indeed.

Yes you're right. You are obviously a very wise person and I have been very out of order. Please accept my apologies. I acknowledge my relationships have probably failed due to my personality and I will look for NHS therapy and some self.help books to try to become a better person. Thankyou for your advice.

I get you, OP. I am in the same boat. It's very hard to understand if you are even moderately attractive to men. And then to be told to 'move on' or 'work on yourself' adds insult to injury, because those who attract men like magnets won't ever have to hear that.
Pretty privilege is definitely a thing.
I'm in my fifties now and over the whole trying to find a man thing but I feel as though I never got to experience a great love and I will go to my grave rueing it.

They’re simply pointing out the flaws in your ‘logic’. Most people in happy, functional longterm relationships aren’t unusually good-looking. Certainly, it probably widens your pool of possibles at the dating stage, but it’s certainly no guarantee of mutual love.

A friend of mine had an affair during his marriage. I only met his affair partner subsequently (they’re no longer together, and his marriage ended some years ago), but she was both less good-looking and less interesting as a personality than his wife at the time.

He’s now in a serious relationship with someone very pretty, but I honestly think the appeal there is just the contrast to his ex, who is a reserved, aloof person (which was at one point, obviously the appeal for him). His new partner is the opposite — puppyish, enthusiastic, demonstrative. I don’t think either woman is ‘better’, they’re simply very different. And they’ve got very different types of looks. Blonde, small and athletic versus tall, brunette, distinguished.

Thankyou for understanding. It means a lot to me. I do often wonder how my life would have been if I had been pretty. But it's something I have to come to terms with now.

The feeling if never knowing how it feels is very hard isn't it. I'm not saying it's impossible to accept but there is obviously a period of grieving which is very difficult to overcome.

Do you really think everyone who is in a happy functional long term relationship is a man magnet? Really? Just look around you.

I’m a Soft Dramatic type and sounds like you may have elements of this too. Worth looking into (see Kibbe types online).

She's certainly dramatic!

Yes of course I have many character flaws thankyou for pointing them out.

This sounds lovely. I'll definitely have a look. Thankyou.

I do think "pretty privileged" is a thing & have often thought that I would love to spend 24 hours as a stunningly gorgeous person just to see what it's like.

But I disagree with the idea that looks have stopped you from having a "great mutual love".
I think you have an unrealistic rose-tinted view of what love is and "should" be. Other people might have experienced the relationships you have had and feel they have actually been quite successful in love over their life time.
I think some people do genuinely meet their 'other half" but most people make do and grow to love whoever was around at the right kind of time in their life

I think you are overthinking it and attributing too much to your looks - and I say that as an "ugly"woman myself.

I don’t understand how your ex ‘had no options and was forced to get together with somebody very unattractive’ yet years later, when he’s much older, has seamlessly landed a hot sexy blonde with an incredible figure.

I’ve never known this to happen IRL

some of the boys did this to me too... called me flat chested, said I didn't count as a "girl" or a "woman"... I was also called a dog... all kinds of names... implying I wasn't human or attractive... I would have been 11-13 years old and I still remember it... and it does impact my confidence...

BUT what they said was not true. I mean, I was probably a geeky girl who paid no attention to her looks... but I look back and I know I was attractive... I just didn't see it... I definitely do not look like a model but have many good points and have a good sense of humour.

I have had no shortage of boyfriends, interest from the opposite sex and have been married for 20 years. Teenage boys can be very cruel (makes me laugh when people comment that girls only schools are "bitchy" when it was the boys who were the worst to me).

Because I'm talking about two different people.

Read it again.

I don't know if you mean to but you have quite a rude & unpleasant attitude on this thread

Is t it possible that these ‘character flaws’ are what is preventing you having a fulfilling longterm relationship, and not your appearance? And that they’re fixable?

“Brad was an arsehole. Jen dodged a bullet.”

Do you not think youve dodged a bullet?

Sorry op you sound unhinged. And youre ignoring absolutely everyone who is making very good points. Do you think your ex would leave this woman if she became ‘ugly’?

I agree and it’s sad because it looks like she may have driven him away

Get help op.

She's being sarcastic. She seems to have taken to that in response to anyone who says anything she doesn't like (which is most people and most posts).

She seems to think that everyone who doesn't agree with her thinks they themselves are superior to her, and that they are married but insecure about their marriage (because their husband could also run off with a younger, petite, blonde). An odd assumption really.