To feel sad that I never experienced mutual love because I'm ugly

[KHMP1971]

I turned 54 on Thursday. I am divorced with DS19 and DD15. I split up with their dad in 2017 (it was a horrible relationship and he was emotionally abusive).

I then got into a relationship with someone a bit younger than me who I loved dearly but who refused to commit for nearly 8 years (I loved him and couldn't let go) and then promptly left me in 2023 for someone much younger, blonde and prettier who he decided was The One. He's married to her now. I'm still alone.

He cut contact eith me in May 2024 as his new fiancee didn't like him being friends with me. He said that he had to as he'd found his wife and I needed to "move on".

Still miss him every day. Still feel worthless.

My birthday was depressing. I worked all day came home and then took DD to muck out her loan horse (helped as it was raining and we wanted to get finished) cooked dinner and went to bed. I got a card from DS who is home from Uni and my colleagues gave me an card with a £20 M and S voucher which is dearly love them for.

I'm not pretty. I'm 5'8" but not really in a super skinny model with long legs way. I have dark brown hair and eyes (I'm white - the woman I was left for was a blue eyed blonde) I have smallish eyes, a big nose, thin lips). I've never been a woman men fall in love with. My ex husband/childrens' dad admitted after we split up that he settled for me as he wasn't good looking himself.

I've never known mutual love. The closest came was the man I was with for 7 years who admitted that he "loved me but not romantically". He admitted that he loved her romantically (probably as she's a lot more attractive).

I feel sad for the little girl I was who was so romantic, always dreaming of fairytale and love stories that he life ended up like this. Basically I'm not hor enough to be loved. I'm not monstrous but I dont spark attraction and therefore that's it.

And most men I encounter are married anyway.

How do I come to terms with this? My life is very lonely and stressful a lot of the time (busy mum working two jobs no family) I would give anything to be held, to share something with someone. But I'm just not special, "wife material" or loveable enough and men's standards are incredibly.high, I can't reach them.

Sorry if this is a bit of a ramble. Woke up feeling sad.

I’m definitely no stunner and am 100% in a mutual loving relationship. Do you feel like you focus a lot on looks OP? There are so many other things to fall in love with a person for. Don’t give up!

There are some very lengthy marriages in my family an and I totally love it. In love for 50+ years! And being honest some of them weren’t exactly oil paintings - clearly didn’t stop them finding love and happiness!

But without looks how do they even get there?

Men are obsessed with looks. What happened to me, (left after nearly 8 years for someone conventionally beautiful who he immediately committed to) would suggest that.

The only difference between me and his now-wife are age (she's younger) and looks (she's significantly more attractive).

Without looks men don't even fall in love in the first place.

I see you as a fortunate person who had a marriage which produced children and then a long second relationship.
That's more than many people ever experience.

Yes, both of those relationships ended but there must have been love and mutual attraction at the beginning of both of them however they ended, particularly the second 8 year relationship.

I think you need to reframe your life in your mind and feel.grateful.to have experienced love and to have experienced motherhood.

And then you need to start to love yourself. It seems you need the validation of another person loving you to feel worthy but that's not how it should be and you won't find happiness that way.
A man in your life is not necessarily the answer. If you can't afford counselling explore some self help books and maybe start by writing down three things a day you are grateful for. Because you do have things to be grateful for, you have listed several in your posts.

This. I think your expectations of “romantic” love are unrealistic. I’m willing to bet your ex and his “hot” new wife have their issues just like everyone else does. And I’m pretty sure you are not ugly.

I think its very obvious you are not over your ex and the way it ended and you are focusing on your looks to understand why he left.
It was nothing to do with the way you looked. You need to try and move on from him or you will never find happiness.

Im 39 ... eeek. I feel soon when im 40, I won't be able to get any interest.
Not that ive had a date for a few years.
I dont really care about the number, but I know others make a thing of it and of course id rather still be 29.. not 39/ 40.

Ive written myself off as permanent single as personal health issues. Very few would see past it.
I am trying to make new friends, but even that is really hard these days. No one cares enough about people that aren't their own family.

Without looks men don't even fall in love in the first place.

This is simply not true. Look around you. The world is full of unattractive people, yet they are more often than not in happy relationships. The way you look is not the issue and fixating on it is not going to help you.

@KHMP1971 by falling in love with the person, not their face!

I really couldn’t disagree with this more “Without looks men don't even fall in love in the first place.”

Some chap i know got married recently aged 79 i believe, i think she was 83? Wonderful.

Without looks men don't even fall in love in the first place.

This is not true in the sense you think it is. Plenty of people end up with people they didn’t think were their “type” to begin with.

OP, I can see beauty in nearly every person I meet. It’s very difficult to be truly ugly so it really isn’t your physical appearance. Attractiveness is to do with confidence and happiness within which then projects outwards. That is what both men and women find attractive.

You need to get your self esteem off the floor and stop comparing yourself to your exes wife so focus on eating healthily, exercising, wearing clothes you love and invest in a decent haircut and a bit of natural makeup to enhance your features. Ignore the finding love aspect and get truly happy with yourself. It’s only at that point love will come (or you might find that you are no longer interested in impressing sub standard men at that point).

My mum met her second husband at 58 at a mutual hobby and he adores her. Of course I think my mum is absolutely beautiful but objectively I can see that she has her physical flaws and imperfections but she’s funny, kind and warm which is far more important.

Just wanted to tell you that so many "attractive" coventionally pretty women also feel less than, and only draw predatory men.
Its a societal issue!
I know, as im one of them......and i can tell you tgat i definitely dont feel like i rule the world

I've spoken to a few such men on dating sites. They mostly seems unimpressed with me and the conversations went nowhere.

They kind of gave off the air of being slightly miffed that they were having to talk to me because the pretty 40 year old blonde woman who they really liked hadn't replied to them.

Sometimes she did reply and they ghosted. Or I ghosted as I was bored with their half hearted, disinterested "yeah hbu?" replies. I deleted the apps a few months ago as they were making me feel depressed.

I didn't really find these men appealing either but was willing to talk to them at least.

Your ex said bitter words to hurt you after your relationship ended, don't take those words to heart, they came from a spiteful person.

People rewrite the script of a relationship when it ends to make themselves feel better. Your 7 year man had feels but they faded and when he fell for someone new it was easier for him to tell you he loved you but not romantically because that made it sound more palatable than saying he'd lost interest.

Look around you, most people are average looking, most people have relationships that don't last forever, and those that do, only a handful are what I would call deeply mutually in love... many are just cruising along because the routine is easier than starting all over again!

What pp are saying about you need to love yourself first and have confidence in yourself is true.

i have a facial disfigurement, its very much out there, there is no hiding it, my husband is very much in love with me and I’ve had boyfriends in the past (not saying this to brag!) but more point out that there is someone out there for everyone, men like women are attracted to a whole range of things. But you have to have that confidence in yourself first, you seem to think that men are only interested in “hot blondes” but that’s not true and sounds like your lack of confidence talking instead. Online dating can be a shit show, but you just have to keep trying and putting yourself out there.

Honestly although its not ideal I think a week on online dating would boost your confidence. Just if you do it please keep all the safety guidance in mind as you sound in a potentially vulnerable place. Im definitely not conventionally beautiful. And I was made to feel like a troll by my abusive ex. But it was part of coming through my divorce logging on and getting likes and messages from lots of men. It is empty I know, but it made me feel like I wasn't this hideous unlovable beast that he had made me believe. I also did the freedome programme and I would highly recommend this to you. It can help you heal from your first marriage and recognise safe healthy relationships xx

Don't go near the dating apps, they will just feed into your low self esteem.

You need to forget about dating for now and try to find other ways to make your life meaningful and full for yourself.

Just out of interest, what do you love about your ex? What makes him so amazing? He is younger than you, is he also very attractive? You seem extremely hung up on looks and to be honest it is coming off a bit shallow. Sorry to be so blunt.

You are focussing so much on your ex’s new wife’s looks and age being the reason he left. Maybe he just wants to have children and that wasn’t going to happen for him if he stayed with you? Perfectly valid reason. I think you need to find a way of moving on from him. Some good suggestions from pp about focusing on healing yourself, new activities, haircut, clothing etc. Basically fake it til you make it.

Please don't post such an unhelpful cliché of a comment. Society predominantly judges girls from the day they are born on looks, and this has not changed for centuries, made 10x worse with social media.

You have no idea if you are exactly the same as ex’s new wife, except for looks. You’re reducing everything to looks, when realistically, this is not what people only go for. Especially not after 8 years. Perhaps it’s easier to do this in your head, after two major rejections.

As PP have said, be nice to yourself and look forward.

Due to insecurities then? Or one controlling partner.
Or not being able to be single...
What about people that are average or below looks, a bit lacking in confidence but not willing to be a slave to a parther and just after some decent company! / evenings out..

Hardly seems any of those about.

You’ve been in two long term relationships! You’ve not been decades on the look out for a lover. My friend is a similar age to you and attractive. She’s been single her whole life. You have literally been unavailable to any man who would have been interested- and you’ve probably not been in the places to meet said men. It’s like saying you regret not being a doctor but you were content and refused to leave your teaching job.

You may never meet someone. But put yourself in the best place to whilst fulfilling your life as a single. Join clubs you enjoy, take care and pride in your appearance- this will boost your confidence and appearance whether it’s needed or not.

So what? You and her have identical personalities? The same sense of humour, interests, moods? The same sexual techniques? The only thing you have in common with this woman is that you're both female and love the same man. You are not "exactly the same" apart from looks. Whatever it was, he preferred her and that is actually allowed and all it says is that they were a better fit.

I know plenty of middle aged couples who met later in life who are absolutely ordinary looking. It may feel easier to blame "looks" and say it's genetics and not your fault because then you can give up but you are doing yourself out of the thing you seem to want quite badly.

People rewrite the script of a relationship when it ends to make themselves feel better. Your 7 year man had feels but they faded and when he fell for someone new it was easier for him to tell you he loved you but not romantically because that made it sound more palatable than saying he'd lost interest.

Yes, men use this all the time as an excuse for ending a relationship - “I love you, but I’m not in love with you”.

You say you have a nice singing voice, have you thought of joining a choir? It’s a nice fun hobby, something creative, you’ll at the very least make new friends. It’s how I met DH.

Indeed poster seems to have done ok.
Ive been single most of my life. With just lots of dating in 20s.
I chose not to get intimate with various people as im not willing to if there is something missing, I didnt fancy them enough to go there etc
So yeh single permanently.