To feel sad that I never experienced mutual love because I'm ugly

[KHMP1971]

I turned 54 on Thursday. I am divorced with DS19 and DD15. I split up with their dad in 2017 (it was a horrible relationship and he was emotionally abusive).

I then got into a relationship with someone a bit younger than me who I loved dearly but who refused to commit for nearly 8 years (I loved him and couldn't let go) and then promptly left me in 2023 for someone much younger, blonde and prettier who he decided was The One. He's married to her now. I'm still alone.

He cut contact eith me in May 2024 as his new fiancee didn't like him being friends with me. He said that he had to as he'd found his wife and I needed to "move on".

Still miss him every day. Still feel worthless.

My birthday was depressing. I worked all day came home and then took DD to muck out her loan horse (helped as it was raining and we wanted to get finished) cooked dinner and went to bed. I got a card from DS who is home from Uni and my colleagues gave me an card with a £20 M and S voucher which is dearly love them for.

I'm not pretty. I'm 5'8" but not really in a super skinny model with long legs way. I have dark brown hair and eyes (I'm white - the woman I was left for was a blue eyed blonde) I have smallish eyes, a big nose, thin lips). I've never been a woman men fall in love with. My ex husband/childrens' dad admitted after we split up that he settled for me as he wasn't good looking himself.

I've never known mutual love. The closest came was the man I was with for 7 years who admitted that he "loved me but not romantically". He admitted that he loved her romantically (probably as she's a lot more attractive).

I feel sad for the little girl I was who was so romantic, always dreaming of fairytale and love stories that he life ended up like this. Basically I'm not hor enough to be loved. I'm not monstrous but I dont spark attraction and therefore that's it.

And most men I encounter are married anyway.

How do I come to terms with this? My life is very lonely and stressful a lot of the time (busy mum working two jobs no family) I would give anything to be held, to share something with someone. But I'm just not special, "wife material" or loveable enough and men's standards are incredibly.high, I can't reach them.

Sorry if this is a bit of a ramble. Woke up feeling sad.

I would call Charlotte Gahnsbourg very attractive, you’ve very laser focused on a narrow type of attractiveness that the huge majority of people don’t fit into and still manage to lead fulfilling lives often with partners. It’s been said the whole way through the thread, but getting help with self esteem can do wonders for yourself but also in how others perceive you, I’ve been through therapy to work on that in the past and it really does help your mental health.

You didn't experience mutual love because you picked shit men who weren't capable of it, not because you're ugly.

The man who left you for somebody younger and blonder will one day leave her for someone younger and blonder, because there is always going to be somebody younger and blonder and the way you get them is the way you lose them. She knows he can't be trusted, that's why he's not allowed to speak to you. And it's going to suck for her too when she learns that what she thought was 'mutual love' was actually just based on her looks.

But that's not your problem because you already escaped from the shit men and you don't have to deal with their cheating and lying and abuse anymore. Congratulate yourself on your good luck.

I look a bit like Charlotte Gainsborough, but not so dark haired. And I think I'm a good looking woman. She isn't unattractive in the slightest.

I've never been a man magnet but I think that has more to do with my mannerisms being quite masculine and being unapproachable than my looks.

I am beautiful, apparently. Old ladies and kids and men tell me this in the street. I was repeatedly scouted for modelling as a teen/20's. Even at 46, I put a profile on Tinder and had 9,999 likes in three days. I tell you this because.....I have been treated like shit by men too. I have not been chosen by the ones I wanted who often funnily enough went for less attractive, matronly women. The ones I have loved who have loved me back have been dominating and controlling. I have been sexually assaulted multiple times. I have been followed and stalked. The problem is not beauty or lack of. The problem is men.

I wonder what the OP means by "romantic love"?

I suspect this is part of the issue.

Also - singling out women you state are unattractive is very odd. Both the women mentioned look perfectly normal to me. They both have strong features but that doesn't make them unattractive.

I mean this gently, but it is a logical conclusion to make. They both feel they are the most compatible with each other, this is why they married.

op, looks get you together in the first place. Compatibility is what keeps you together, otherwise everyone would just settle down with the best looking person they met. And quite simply that doesn’t happen unless that’s the most compatible person with them also.

you seem very stuck on he married her for her looks, that he’s that shallow, and even seem to think personality wise she’s not his type. Of course she is, otherwise they’d not marry. But more importantly she also has a say in this, they are equals. She also chose to marry him. Unless she’s a complete idiot she’s not going to marry some dude where he just wants to be with her as she’s a pretty blonde, women know and relationships need to be deeper.

but ultimately it doesn’t matter, as gently it’s none of your business, your complete focus is on this woman and the fact he’s with her,

you really do need to seek help in the new year, for your own sake, and for that of your children, waking up crying still, obsessing over this woman, it is really unhealthy, and I think most people reading your posts are uncomfortable. Every post you respond to it’s about them and you ignore anything not about them, and primarily her.

get mental health help, and see your gp, explain your obsession, negative feelings etc, and get on the road to recovery. Live a happy full,life. Not this.

These are both attractive women!!!

This is spot on. Without sounding terribly rude, he did not marry her because she is a pretty blonde. He married her because he loves her and sees a life with her. I’m genuinely sorry to say, he obviously didn’t see that with you. Please do seek some help though because you deserve better than to feel like this.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You think those women aren't attractive? I get that they aren't Margot Robbie, and nobody is fancied by everyone in the world, but you don't think they're good looking and photogenic? You think they'd be ignored if they were shy or quiet? You don't think women at their level of attractiveness get noticed unless they're especially flirtatious?

Sorry OP, but there's something really, really skewed in your judgement and perception. I definitely don't believe you when you say you're ugly now. I'm sorry you've had such shit luck romantically but the more you talk, the less I think it's because you're so hideous. Which is not to say I think it's your fault, it's not, but I think you feel a need to fixate on something to explain it.

When Brad Pitt left Jennifer Aniston for Angelina Jolie, do you think that was because Jennifer Aniston wasn't good looking enough?

He was telling me he loved me as well literally weeks before he started things with her, telling me he always wanted to care for me and insisting he wasn't interested in her.

Yes what you said was rude and rather cruel. You're painting them as a virtuous couple and me as a problematic jealous ex and I suspect a lot of this is because you and others on here are married women who want to treasure your marriages as special and exes as irrelevant (hence the post that she was "better"). Things are not that black and white. Men can behave cruelly and impulsively.

Yes he liked her more or saw her more as wife material than me at that point. But enough of us have had marriage failures to know that people dont always marry for the right reasons or live happy lives after marriage. I dont know if they are happy or will even stay together and being told this isn't really relevant or helpful. What was done to me was cruel and my feelings are valid, having "move on" snapped at me is unfair and dismissive.

My looks have been a problem as I am definitely not classically beautiful in the way she is and this has proved a major barrier throughout my life with men who liked and cared for me but couldn't get past the "not in love" feeling. I don't attract attention or get chatted up. Men on dating sites do not respond to me enthusiastically. This post is about missing that experience of mutual romantic love. Which is painful for me as something I've never experienced. The same as someone who has never had children might mourn the fact. And those feelings are valid.

My pretty friends have experienced that "oh its you! You're my wife!" romantic marriage and being snapped up by passionately "in love" men. Not all these marriages lasted or were happy. Some of these men were more infatuated than in love, which when it faded meant the marriage started to fall apart as they really weren't a good fit in other ways.

For those who say I obviously have character defects, my ex would always insist I was wonderful and that he loved me "very much" but it's clear that the attraction.was missing as he never responded to me as passionately as to her. They were engaged within a year whereas we had had seven years of growth together. That's not necessarily.evidence of True love or the one. If so noone would ever get divorced. I've known several of these fast passionate marriages which ended in ugly divorce.

Things are not easy for me at the moment. Christmas is going to be very difficult as the second year without him. And no I don't wake up crying every day but there are days when I do. What this man did affected me greatly. Because he is married to someone else now people want to sweep this under the rug because it somehow seems to cast a shadow on their lovely marriage that some sad jealous ex is still pining over him and she really does need to shut up and "move on" because he obviously never loved her and she was never as special as his wife and her being upset is casting a shadow on the happy story. I've even been accused of "attacking" his wife (where??) I feel it's the poster who feels attacked quite honestly. I've said nothing negative about her. Quite a lot of projection there.

My existence matters and how I feel matters. I will not be told otherwise. I have a right to how I feel. I exist and will continue to exist. I will.not make myself disappear.

I am grateful to those who responded to my post with understanding and genuine insight and empathy.

I have seen lots of men say that Angelina is or was a lot more attractive than Jen however. Although Jen is still obviously beautiful (but in a different way). She didn't have that same ethereal beauty that a young Angelina had.

Brad Pitt is an asshole anyway. Jen dodged a bullet. She deserved a lot better.m

You don't mean it gently at all. Anyone who starts a conversation with "I mean this gently" or "I dont mean to hurt you but..." usually doesn't.

Wow.
OP in my fist reply to you, I told you I looked like Anjelica Houston. Plenty of men have and continue to notice me, approach me, find me attractive.

The ones who like dainty pretty blondes? Probably not. But this thread is proving that there’s more than one type of attractive.

It’s actually annoying that you continually reduce ‘attractive’ to only the cliché of a dainty, pretty, oval-faced bubbly blonde.

It’s also true that we are not solely defined by our relationships with, and perceived value to, the opposite sex. I know the point of this thread IS attraction but I loved what PP said about finding a strong relationship once she’d learned her own value.

I'm sorry this happened to you. I do focus on my lack of beauty as a reason. I have had zero attention from men. I have been "friendzoned" rejected ignored etc.

I actually have had the supposedly enviable experience of being someone men love to talk to as a friend but who they "don't see that way" and that can be equally hurtful as being seen as someone they want to sleep with only. Because I wanted to be romantically loved as well and I simply.couldnt. things always stopped at the "I love you but not in a romantic way" line.

But I have pretty friends who were swept up passionately by infatuated men who then turned abusive or controlling so I know it isn't all about beauty or that being chosen and married doesn't necessarily mean happiness.

I value myself as a person. I just dont feel I have romantic value.

Perhaps the men I have fallen for only liked pretty blondes. But my experience has been that I have been ignored overlooked not chosen or treated as a friend only by men my whole life. So it's a logical conclusion as I don't have evidence to the contrary. It's good to hear it's gone well for you though.

Reposted somehow ignore 🤦‍♀️

But my experience has been that I have been ignored overlooked not chosen or treated as a friend only by men my whole life

As have I. By SOME men. I refuse to believe that makes me 100% unattractive. You’ve been unfortunate to have been treated badly by two shitty men and you’re allowing them to colour your thoughts far too much. I know you’re still grieving this break-up and I truly hope you come out the other side soon. Don’t bring their words, chosen to hurt you and justify their leaving, into your future.

Good grief you’re obsessed with pretty blondes like it’s the epitome of beauty. Can you not hear yourself, you’re 54.

You are 54 and descrobe yourself as intelligent.

This "pretty blondes" chat is the mindset of a teenager.

Logically you know:

• You can dye your hair blonde if you want.

• The world mosts beautiful women struggle to "find love" go out with bastards who cheat on them (there are numerous famous celebs who this happened to)

• fat / short/ buck toothed / generally not so attractive women ARE loved. Again lots of evidence to support this.

You can say "oh i know its not true" but you keep wheeling it out so you DO believe it on some level.

EVERYONE spends time searching for "the one" .. some find it some dont and its pure potluck.
But 1 + 1 makes 2. You need to "complete" yourself.

I'm 40 now and went through all the im not pretty BS that (honestly) is pretty universal/ not special.
My face is already partially melting 🤣I and i havent thought about my "prettiness" since pre kids.
I cannot imagine a world where in 15 years i am wasting the precious time I have this earth asking am I pretty?
No 54 yr (except for liz hurley when she was 54) was ever pretty

This is about your ex and about your self esteem and also holding on the some babyish societal tropes which you now have cognitive bias towards.

Get therapy. Honestly, this isnt a "normal" way to view the world.

OP, I really feel as though you would benefit from talking all this through with a therapist - your mindset is incredibly unhealthy and if you talk to people IRL with the same “misery” you talk to people on here then they are going to be put off by that. It has nothing to do with your looks.

It's more a case of looking back over my life and seeing patterns. And yes pretty blonde has been the pattern I've noticed. I can think of at least 6 male friends I developed feelings for who didn't feel the same but then chose pretty petite blonde women. And two boyfriends who did it.

At 40 I still had hope and beleived there was someone for everyone.

So maybe my age is the reason I feel.this way. It is seems firmly over now.

But the way men treat me now is the way they treated me in my 20s and 30s it's nit about losing my looks as I aged. I never had looks to lose.

In school I was bullied horribly.by the boys, called "Ugly" and "Dog Features" told I needed plastic surgery. One boy told me I should due my hair blonde because it was the only thing which would make me less ugly. I know teenaged boys can be horrible and I never gave up hope that one day I would find someone who loved me just for me .

And I did. And he left me and married someone else.

Who happened to be a pretty blonde.

So to me it seems like a pattern. It's possible that my thinking is skewed I just haven't had the evidence to the contrary.

And yes I am sad and lonely and not looking forward to christmas which is what sparked the post yesterday. I will.be looking into counselor in the new year but sometimes it just helps to vent online in an anonymous way.

Like I said cognitive bias.

Get some therapy..

You are trapped in your own mind prison it must be hell living like this.

How many more examples that men don’t care about blonde hair, youth and prettiness do you want?

Jesus.

edited because you edited your post to remove the point I was replying to, but I am leaving my question as it stands!

Kindly OP it's nothing to do with looks, it's your attitude that needs to change.
Work on yourself so you no longer require outer validation.
Fall in love with yourself, all that you have survived, all that you have learnt.
life is never a fairytale, forget that fantasy and emerge yourself f with things that genuinely interest you and bring you happiness.
I was 56, riding around on my old fashioned bicycle and met a lovely man, who also like me loves nature and cycling.He is not my happy ever after, l would have had that regardless, but he is an interesting and active partner.
I still live in my own home, and he has his, that won't change.
I still have all my other interests and space and time for myself.
Once you've made a way of life in which your content, and your more than comfortable in your own skin, that's what attracts, that trait is far more attractive than a pretty face.