To feel sad that I never experienced mutual love because I'm ugly

[KHMP1971]

I turned 54 on Thursday. I am divorced with DS19 and DD15. I split up with their dad in 2017 (it was a horrible relationship and he was emotionally abusive).

I then got into a relationship with someone a bit younger than me who I loved dearly but who refused to commit for nearly 8 years (I loved him and couldn't let go) and then promptly left me in 2023 for someone much younger, blonde and prettier who he decided was The One. He's married to her now. I'm still alone.

He cut contact eith me in May 2024 as his new fiancee didn't like him being friends with me. He said that he had to as he'd found his wife and I needed to "move on".

Still miss him every day. Still feel worthless.

My birthday was depressing. I worked all day came home and then took DD to muck out her loan horse (helped as it was raining and we wanted to get finished) cooked dinner and went to bed. I got a card from DS who is home from Uni and my colleagues gave me an card with a £20 M and S voucher which is dearly love them for.

I'm not pretty. I'm 5'8" but not really in a super skinny model with long legs way. I have dark brown hair and eyes (I'm white - the woman I was left for was a blue eyed blonde) I have smallish eyes, a big nose, thin lips). I've never been a woman men fall in love with. My ex husband/childrens' dad admitted after we split up that he settled for me as he wasn't good looking himself.

I've never known mutual love. The closest came was the man I was with for 7 years who admitted that he "loved me but not romantically". He admitted that he loved her romantically (probably as she's a lot more attractive).

I feel sad for the little girl I was who was so romantic, always dreaming of fairytale and love stories that he life ended up like this. Basically I'm not hor enough to be loved. I'm not monstrous but I dont spark attraction and therefore that's it.

And most men I encounter are married anyway.

How do I come to terms with this? My life is very lonely and stressful a lot of the time (busy mum working two jobs no family) I would give anything to be held, to share something with someone. But I'm just not special, "wife material" or loveable enough and men's standards are incredibly.high, I can't reach them.

Sorry if this is a bit of a ramble. Woke up feeling sad.

It definitely was traumatic.

I am just having problems coming to terms with it. Thankyou for your understanding. Apart from some of the spiteful comments on here which u am trying to ignore as they ckme from the insecurity of the posters, there have been many helpful ones.

I’ve found the women men go head over heels for are confident and act like they are super attractive even if they are not!

I'm sorry you feel like this OP, but honestly next time you are out and about take a good look at people. Most of us are pretty average, women and men, and yet they find love. You are focusing too much on looks, a person's personality is much more important. I can't imagine anyone I've dated, or my exDH, wanted me for my looks. You have had relationships, you have children, you can't be that awful. You have a romantic version of love, and there really is a lot more to it than that. I think for now you should just concentrate on your life and your family and try and find enjoyment - love may well follow at some stage, but even if it doesn't is it really the end of the world?

I'm going to ignore this.

I'm confused OP.

If you split with your ex husband in 2017, how did you have an 8 year relationship with someone who left you in 2023?

Surely that's a 6 year relationship?

I realise I'm lucky to have them even if the relationship which they came from was not good. They really are my reason to keep on keeping on.

OP, having read more of your replies to posters on here I am beginning to see why you are not having any luck finding someone else if you come across to others as this "poor me" pathetic person who just wants to moan. Once again I can assure you that while we all like to admire attractive people it really isn't the top priority when choosing a mate.

You have had good advice on this thread, which you are choosing to ignore. No-one else can actually help you find someone, you have to do that yourself, and your current attitude is not attractive.

I left my ex husband early 2016. I met the other person a few months later as a friend. It became romantic after a few months and my divorce was finalised in 2017.

He met her in 2023 and left me for her in late 2023. He cut contact with me in mid 2024. It was 8 years from the meeting him until cutting contact. Seven and a half from meeting until he committed to her and officially left me.

OP I can feel your sadness 😢. I feel the same way, I would love to be with someone who was besotted with me!
Not sure how relevant looks are. I’m conventionally pretty attractive. 5’10”, long legs, size 10-12, blond hair, blue eyes, nice face. I have a decent career and lots of lovely friends. But apparently I’m repellent to men! I was married but it didn’t work out, I settled for someone who turned out to be useless. The only unconditional love I have experienced is from my dog.
I’m 50 so I guess it’s unlikely to happen for me.
So no advice just solidarity x

I am apparently attractive, by this I mean people have told me I am since I was in my mid teens, in my younger days I did some modelling, and still get told I’m beautiful even now I’m in my fifties. I’m also awkward, opinionated and despite being a people pleaser I’m actually quite difficult to live with. (Currently being assessed for autism) As far as I can tell I’ve never been loved by any of the men I’ve been in relationships with. Desired, yes, but loved? No. Cheated on and treated like shit, but absolutely not loved.

You are not single because you’re ‘ugly’, you’re single because men of our generation are unable to treat women like people. You’re single because you were sold a romantic fairytale fantasy that simply doesn’t exist. You’re lonely because you have been lead to believe you need external validation and companionship, and this has left you with low self esteem and a sense of hopelessness. You don’t need a new haircut, or makeup advice, or to smile more. You need to learn to like yourself, see the good in yourself, recognise your achievements (you’ve raised two children, probably with very little help by the sound of it) and survived an abusive relationship. These are all huge things. Please see that you are a worthwhile person.

Can you ask your GP for some counselling? You probably have PTSD from your abusive marriage, and then some support rebuilding your sense of self worth.

Thankyou. Your words mean a great deal.

I know I have met many challenges and succeeded and I should be proud of myself but I still feel very much "not enough"

Thankyou. I try to focus on what i have achieved. I am proud of my children and the fact that I brought them up even though things haven't been easy for us. I just feel I would give anything to have her life with him. To me mutual love is a mystery. I've never had it and that's why it hurts so much. I don't feel inferior as a person but romantically yes.

Beautiful women, film stars and celebrities get cheated on and left.

I found this quote from the film Dangerous Liaisons quite comforting when I was left by my husband -

"Do you still think men love the way we do? No... men enjoy the happiness they feel. We can only enjoy the happiness we give. They are not capable of devoting themselves exclusively to one person. So to hope to be made happy by love is a certain cause of grief."

Please contact the NHS mental health support services. There are waiting lists, and the services are stretched, but I’ve had some phone counselling and I’m now waiting for the next stage/level of support. This sense of hopelessness and unworthiness sounds a lot like depression. I can’t promise you that it’ll be easy, or that you’ll find a happily ever after, but you will probably find you’re more content.

Ok, based on your latest posts, I think the reason you can’t find a partner is nothing at all to do with your looks…

Jesus.

After an entire day of your vacuous wanging on about looks, OP, it’s obvious why you’re single.

Counselling would be so beneficial to you - please take up the numerous recommendations.

Op I didn’t suggest she was “better” than you. you read something that wasn’t there, She is simply more compatible with him.

because it is not a competition, sometimes as sad as it is, relationships don’t work out, because ultimately that compatibility is not what it should be. And sometimes they do, because it is, it is not just about looks,

you are 54, you know this. That ultimately that’s what it comes down to.

and why on earth would it be over for you. He is not the only man, I genuinely think counselling would be helpful for you, you need to recover and get happy again, and you can form other meaningful enjoyable relationships, there is no reason why that shouldn’t be the case. Absolutely none.

The vast majority of people are averagely attractive

They can find happiness

It's kind of meaningless anyway though OP. I'm 53 and I have been someone that men like ...I'm fairly pretty, petite and blonde (which isn't better!) but I'm very smiley and they tend to think I'm attracted to them (which causes a lot of problems!). But I just wonder what the point is because if I was exactly the same person but unattractive they wouldn't be interested.

I will probably also be on my own forever because of my lack of libido. Human relationships are shallow and based on sex. But I must say that I'm like you in that I dream of the perfect man coming along and us falling in love. It won't happen because I have no hormones to blind me to all their bad habits.

But you admit that your looks play a part?

I actually wondered with my ex and the women he married, if she had been exactly the same person bur unattractive would he have been interested? Because knowing him I dont think he would have been.

And that's what hurts.

Some of what you write is a bit pick-me - 'I'm not like other women', 'other women are X', a sprinkle of misogyny.

Or perhaps entirely internalised misogyny.

I'm a middle-aged dude and wanted comment on my own experiences of attraction and romance.

One of my favorite movies in The Shining. And I have had a major crush on Shelly Duval since I was 18. I think she is absolutely beautiful in that film and I was sad to see how things played out for her health and career as she aged. When I would tell my friends I found her extremely attractive, they were surprised. I guess she isn't "conventionally" attractive and if that is true, screw convention.

Also, OK Cupid published some interesting data recently about who women and men find attractive. For men, it was a huge range of all heights, weights, etc. Men find many women attractive. And for me, that attraction can change based on her talents and character.

I'd take Shelly Duval over an instagram "model" any day. Not because those models are physically unattractive. But rather, because I don't find the influencer lifestyle attractive. I don't want to be part of that world.

In any case, I don't want to offer up platitudes. Keep you head up don't waste your mental effort on men who don't have the character to really see you. Yes, at first we men are visual creatures. But that doesn't lead to love. Who a woman is the essential thing.

Shelley Duval was pretty though - in a quirky way. Not model beautiful. But definitely not unattractive. She looked very feminine.

Look.up Charlotte Gahnsbourg. I'm pretty sure you wouldn't call her attractive. Or Anjelica Huston. This is what I'm talking about.

If you look like that and are kind of quiet and serious (not bubbly and smiley and loud, plus tall (but not in a rail.thin long legs way) you will absolutely be ignored. I know this as it's happened my whole.life.

I appreciate your input though.

I honestly don't know if they're more compatible. As I've said before they have opposite personalities and she has a personality type which he previously had always disliked and avoided. He's either had an epiphany and realised he loves that type of personality, or he was so enamoured of her looks that he's making an effort to accommodate it. Or maybe they're not terribly compatible but are muddling through. I really have no idea.

I find Charlotte Gahnsbourg very attractive. Partly because of her acting ability. The move, "Antichrist" sucked, but she was great.

Were I a single man and had the chance, I would absolutely ask her out.