To feel sad that I never experienced mutual love because I'm ugly

[KHMP1971]

I turned 54 on Thursday. I am divorced with DS19 and DD15. I split up with their dad in 2017 (it was a horrible relationship and he was emotionally abusive).

I then got into a relationship with someone a bit younger than me who I loved dearly but who refused to commit for nearly 8 years (I loved him and couldn't let go) and then promptly left me in 2023 for someone much younger, blonde and prettier who he decided was The One. He's married to her now. I'm still alone.

He cut contact eith me in May 2024 as his new fiancee didn't like him being friends with me. He said that he had to as he'd found his wife and I needed to "move on".

Still miss him every day. Still feel worthless.

My birthday was depressing. I worked all day came home and then took DD to muck out her loan horse (helped as it was raining and we wanted to get finished) cooked dinner and went to bed. I got a card from DS who is home from Uni and my colleagues gave me an card with a £20 M and S voucher which is dearly love them for.

I'm not pretty. I'm 5'8" but not really in a super skinny model with long legs way. I have dark brown hair and eyes (I'm white - the woman I was left for was a blue eyed blonde) I have smallish eyes, a big nose, thin lips). I've never been a woman men fall in love with. My ex husband/childrens' dad admitted after we split up that he settled for me as he wasn't good looking himself.

I've never known mutual love. The closest came was the man I was with for 7 years who admitted that he "loved me but not romantically". He admitted that he loved her romantically (probably as she's a lot more attractive).

I feel sad for the little girl I was who was so romantic, always dreaming of fairytale and love stories that he life ended up like this. Basically I'm not hor enough to be loved. I'm not monstrous but I dont spark attraction and therefore that's it.

And most men I encounter are married anyway.

How do I come to terms with this? My life is very lonely and stressful a lot of the time (busy mum working two jobs no family) I would give anything to be held, to share something with someone. But I'm just not special, "wife material" or loveable enough and men's standards are incredibly.high, I can't reach them.

Sorry if this is a bit of a ramble. Woke up feeling sad.

As I've said before this isn't about my ex or my ex husband before him but a lifelong pattern starting in my teens when I was bullied for my looks (nicknamd "dog features" at school and constantly barked at, pushed and hit by boys, had to deal with all the "my friend likes you hahah" stuff. I've literally never had a "normal" female experience as it's seen with men flirting chatting me up being asked out. Most if my feelings for men have been unrequited crushes where I was rejected before even dating these were mem who knew me snd liked me a lot as a person, would seek out my company and invite me out, but as a friend (they didn't see me "that way") I was basically friendzoned in the same way men complain of being. Repeatedly.

The only men who dated me were men with who weren't attractive or confident themselves. My ex husband was one and he admitted that he found me ugly and that he "settled". He basically resented me and was abusive. I left him. He's now with someone else. She isn't a stunning beauty but slightly prettier than me and she also puts up with his BS which many other women wouldn't.

He isn't remotely attractive - inside or out.

My ex was different. He seemed to see something in me that noone ever else had. Something I never even saw in myself. I truly felt like he loved me at a soul level or it seemed that way. Obviously i was wrong and he left and basically abandoned me for someone else (who just happens to be younger and blonde and looks like a model but I'm being told this isn't relevant or connected) he was average looking or maybe slightly above so was probably out of my league anyway. But for a while it felt like there was a deeper form of love which went beyond looks. Obviously I was wrong.

There hasn't been anyone else and my brief online dating experience was upsetting and disheartening. I asked a male friend his honest opinion on how I looked and he told me that without trying to hurt me in all honesty I was "probably a 3/10. I could maybe push to a 4 or 5 with makeup". I have strong features which have stood the test of time sk this isn't a case that I was hot in my 20s and now am not due to time. I have aged fairly well. But my features are ugly ugly were ugly in my teens and 20s and are ugly now. This is what he was alluding to. I literally dont have any attractive features (nice hair nice eyes nice smile etc) everything is just unappealing. I've been told I have nice hair although it's gone a bit thin and I dread having to cut it off as it's quite long.

I am accepting that perhaps being unattractive is the core feature in my life which has seen it play out as it has. It's interesting to read other storied of women who although attractive also didn't find love or those who say they are unattractive and did. It's given me food for thought (although not hope as I would rather stay away from that) this started out as a vent post but I have responded many times especially to some of the unpleasant posts because I will always stand up to that.

But really that's about all I can say. I'm not looking for anything I particular. I started out venting and interested to hear others experiences not seeking "advice"(?) or anyone to agree or disagree with me. Not entirely sure why some people seem so triggered by this.

I'm sure the appearance of his new partner was highly relevant in why he left you. He got an opportunity that doesn't come along often to the average Joe in that he managed to find a woman who was not only younger, but conventionally attractive. He probably couldn't believe his luck and had his head turned. So yes, her appearance will undoubtedly have played a part. But that's HER appearance, not yours. Because any woman, plain, average or beautiful, runs this risk that her partner will be attracted by another woman's looks, age, the flattery and the novelty.
Clearly you have been unfortunate in having a lot of negative experiences related to your appearance. However, I think you are also in danger of affirmation bias now, and worse, have internalised the negativity.

I'm so sorry you feel like this. Some of what you've said seems to be about other factors. And not at all linked to your looks.
For example: your kids Dad was abusive- that's 100% on him.
The younger man sounds like he was just at a different point in his life. I had a series of older partners when I was much younger. And those relationships often fell apart for similar reasons. One partner being ready to commit and the other not.

"It's given me food for thought (although not hope ..."

I don't offer hope. But - food for thought perhaps - I do think, realistically, you're over-invested in the notion of love depending on physical attraction. It doesn't. Really, it's just luck.

I'm nothing much to look at, and in most ways, I'm at best average and often below. That's been true all my life. But I've been lucky in that I've had a life full of love, sometimes passionate (even still, well into seventh decade), always companionable.

I have siblings and friends who have had bad luck in this regard. Some of them were/are very attractive, but things just didn't work out. I do feel sorry for them, even if most of them manage somehow just to get on with lives dogged one way or another by misfortune.

Most of the good things in life are like this, not just sexual or romantic love: some of us are lucky, some aren't, as regards material possessions, peaceful lives, good health ... and so on.

A good book about this: "The Fragility of Goodness" by Martha Nussbaum. (Nussbaum is a philosopher, well-known in academia, generally highly thought-of.) To deal with life's misfortunate vicissitudes, it helps to see them for what they are; chance happenings; pure luck.

You say it's a pattern of your life OP but kindly - you have only had 2 significant relationships, one with your ex husband and the second man for 8 years.
So... a lot of years spent on 2 men who treated you unkindly and weren't right for you.
You just havent had the chance to date more and meet other people who could have given you a very different experience. And now at mid 50s objectively it is harder to start over and find love. But not impossible. Take things slow and easy if you want to try another dating site. A lot of online dating is full of ghosting and people who arent serious, but you only need 1 good person even if it takes awhile.
In the meantime do things for yourself and try to build happiness independently of any man.

You’re still in the same loop, about how ugly you are, and how beautiful his wife is, and she gets more beautiful every time you post. I’m fairly positive if we all saw a picture of her, we would not be rhapsodising about how she was truely beautiful and model like. But your envy has you seeing this and as you dig your heels in, she becomes more beauftul and you become even uglier.

if he was happy in the relationship his head wouldn’t have turned and he left you. He may have cheated, but if he had loved you he wouldn’t have left.

so he was not happy in the relationship, he will have been once, will have meant it when he said he loved you, but love is not unconditional. It is not guaranteed never ending, and people fall out of love. And he fell out of love.

your destined to live an unhappy single life, as you refuse to get help, refuse to accept anything other than this is about your looks.

A few inalienable facts I think it's worth considering:

Internet dating is a nightmare for everyone. Especially over age about forty. The men are mostly bottom of the barrel and not much better than a bunch of incels. Really don't let your experience on that colour your views.

You seem to know a disproportionate number of relationships where the woman is blonde, which has led you to think only blondes have successful relationships. I mean, this is very clearly not true. You may be suffering from confirmation bias (where you think something is true so you subconsciously seek examples to reinforce this, and you find them, ignoring examples that don't support your theory. You're not doing anything wrong, it's a normal human state). Brunette/redhead/grey women have relationships.

There is no universal benchmark of attractiveness. There are beliefs that may be widely held, but that's not the same. Plus there are cultural norms and race variations. But in terms of who is attractive, that's not set in stone. I reckon 90% of people are on the "totally fine" part of the spectrum. 5% at the "pretty unattractive" end and 5% on the "totally drop dead gorgeous" end (based on social norms). Statistically, you're in the 90%.

I'm a bit bewildered why so many people tell you you're ugly, or why you ask people. I have never asked anyone to score my looks. What could possibly be the use of that? I grew up with abuse, I was bullied and called ugly at school - but that was 100% about them, not me. Therapy will help you put this into context.

I agree with the above poster - relationships are largely down to luck

Please go away. You have issues yourself.

I also can’t imagine asking anyone to score my looks, but it shows how hyper sensitive the op is to appearance, she’d even ask friends to score her.

she also doesn’t really respond to anything unless it’s about looks, where she feels at pains to tell us just how incredibly beautiful his wife is and just how ugly she is, even giving us details to ensure everyone fully understands the extent of the wife’s beauty and the extremity of her ugliness.

No part of her accepts successful long term relationships are built on mutual love, trust, compatibility, shared life goals etc, for her it’s just about the colour of her hair and rhe size of her nose and all men want is pretty blondes.

it’s envy, insecurity, inability to have rational thought on the matter. Complete detachment from any form of reality.

As I said it's been a lifelong pattern not just those two relationships.

I really want to say thankyou for this wonderful post. Although I did not come here seeking advice this has proven to be extremely helpful and comforting and I will most definitely look for that book.

I agree luck may be an issue and yes I have pretty friends who have had failed marriages and hardships. For them i feel their looks made it easier to find someone else and they tended to be less hard hit by loneliness and rejection. But it didn't totally save them from it. I also know average looking couples who seem very happy.

But I can only relate my own experiences and as such I can agree that perhaps I have been unlucky that I didn't meet a sweet loving man about my own looks level in my 20s who was able to love me and commit, settle down and live happy with him. I had years of rejections and false starts and now it's over and I am mourning what I never had. ..I'll definitely read that book. Thankyou.

Where have I said I "Refuse to get help"?

What the actual ....?

Not that it's any of your business but I have repeatedly stated I'm looking into NHS counselling after Christmas. Private is not an option due to finances.

I am sorry you lack reading comprehension skills but that isn't my fault. It's all there if you care to look.

Now go and spend time with your husband who thinks you're so great and better than anyone else.

Most of the good things in life are like this, not just sexual or romantic love: some of us are lucky, some aren't, as regards material possessions, peaceful lives, good health ... and so on.

This. I’ve been lucky in love,have been married to a wonderful man for 35 years. Less lucky in the fertility lottery, we weren’t able to have children. I’ve seen lots of married people with children on here saying they wouldn’t still be with their partners if it wasn’t for the children; they aren’t romantic partners any more, just housemates. It’s swings and roundabouts.

I'm not sure what the use was and I didn't actually ask him to "score" me. I told him I felt very unattractive and asked him to be honest. We were talking about my ex and what had happened.

He took it rather too literally so yes I regretted asking. I just wanted someone to be honest because when I had pointer out to other female friends that I did not feel attractive and thag my experiences had backed this up they immediately reassured me that i was "beautiful" and a "great person" and although I appreciate they wanted to support me it didn't feel realistic. Because I've been aware my whole life of how different I am treated to my female friends who are objectively attractive and I felt like I needed someone to tell me I wasn't imagining it.

You've come on here presumably looking for opinions/advice. When these are offered you become defensive and rude to those you disagree with. That in itself is unattractive as is the self pity. Confidence and congeniality is very attractive.

I’m really sorry to hear that you had such awful experiences at school. From the way you have described yourself, you could look at finding your ‘style ID’ (there’s plenty of advice online), and you would probably be one of the ‘taller’ dramatic or natural types. If you wanted shorter hair or to wear jeans there would be advice on how to do so and look your best. You might the. be able to find positive terms in which to describe yourself, as ‘pretty, petite, blonde’ isn’t the only look that is attractive.

I found my own colour season and style ID about 10 years ago. It made me feel more secure in myself after turning 40 and moving to a new area where my looks didn’t fit with the beauty standards there.

Is this how you behave in real life if people don’t say what you wish to hear? You hurl abuse at them?

But lots of people don’t find - or retain - mutual love in the way that you mean. It’s as much a matter of luck and right place, right time, as anything else.

Many sexually attractive people find it relatively easy to find others to sleep with- but lasting love is different. Whenever I sigh at great romances on tv or in books, I remind myself that the most ‘romantic’ couples I knew in real life divorced. 😬

No but I will put nasty superior people like you in their place and gladly.

Keep your advice and have a nice Christmss. You should probably go and spend time with your husband.

Your presumption is incorrect. As I stated previously I came on here to vent and read others experiences. I did not seek advice. However there have been some very helpful lovely posts which I do appreciate.

There's also been a lot of bitchy superior nonsense which I'm going to ignore going forward as its best not to give such people attention.

Yes, exactly.

Throwing nasty comments at anyone who disagrees with you isn't exactly an appealing personality trait that's likely to draw new people in.

Yes. I originally thought the key issue here was your poor self-esteem, OP, but you’re coming across as aggressive, self-righteous and stuck in a very rigid mindset against all evidence offered that you’ve got it wrong, which I don’t think is nice to be around for anyone.

That's interesting thankyou. I will look. I think my style is kind of feminine and bohemian. I'm rather feminine and romantic despite my height and looks and I don't really like jeans or short hair although I sometimes feel.overdressed when everyone else is wearing jeans and more casual clothes. I know they dont look good on me because I feel like I need every ounce if femininity I can get.

For Christmas this year I bought a dark red velvet Boho dress which I adore although I feel very over the top wearing it sometimes.

No I think the others are coming across as very self righteous and condescending. And I dislike that. I will always stand up for myself and perhaps this is a fault as it invites more of this rubbish.

So many people have tried to help you and all you've done is snap back and insult them.